FanficTalk Archive
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Hi Jacque, back for our swap!
I really loved this description of nature and the river in the beginning, the way you described the river’s flow is so delicate – really enjoyed how you likened it to music, like you did with runa in an earlier (the first?) chapter. I know you’ve shown before how runa flows through everything, but this really tied it together for me. Runa doesn’t just run parallel to nature, it is nature.
I’m also really enjoying delving deeper into runa and how it works, what it’s limitations are, and how that’s going to influence people – Lenora was out of it for the whole night after overexerting herself, and Wit took quite a while to return to his senses; that really brings home how volatile of a tool runa can be, even if it can be an advantage in a moment of combat, there’ll be consequences, and it’s critical to surround yourself with people you trust. It really feels like you’ve crafted a very elaborate, well-thought-out system, and I’m loving getting to see more of it!
Super curious to find out more about relics, whispers, and shadows, and all the darker elements of runa!
Really intrigued by these backstory hints you’re dropping, too! They’ve been apart for three years, so they must have been travelling together for, what, six? The fact that Lenora’s still so hung up on him shows both how strong their bond must have been, and how serious the betrayal – she accuses him of using her as a pawn, so was he stringing her along in some way from the very beginning?
I really enjoyed the tension you create just before the gang reunites, both between Wit and Lenora, and also the suspense of this unknown presence – with the way Lenora is attuned to runa, it’s difficult to tell whether the ‘shadow’ she senses is just an actual shadow cast by a physical person, or if there’s something more to it, something sinister, and I really enjoyed the uneasiness that created, just before Sorrin bursts in.
I wonder how tracking her works, whether it had something to do with following or sensing runa, and if so, whether it is impossible to track Lenora (or anyone, I suppose) while they’re in this other state. I guess we never really knew how far away Wit took her, exactly, only that they were all still in the same forest, but the fact that her new friends went to all the trouble of following and trying to recover her after really only knowing her for two or three days says a lot about their loyalty, how committed they are to someone they view as their own – though Koen seems to be suspiciously absent – I wonder what he’s up to? (Though I suppose absence makes the heart grow fonder, in Lenora’s case, if she’s beginning to fantasise about his smile and jawline :P)
Very intrigued by this description of the apothecary, and the fact that some ingredients never have any melodies – it feels like dried herbs and mashed-up roots especially have been altered too much to still be recognisable as their original state? I’m really grasping at straws here, but it just sticks out to me how the only other thing you’ve mentioned as not having a melody is Wit’s runa – I’m struggling to make a connection, and there might not even be one, but it feels like too deliberate a detail to mention for it to be accidental. Another mystery to uncover!
Really loved seeing some more one-on-one between Lenora and Jessa, and getting to know more about her – she seems like such a care-free person most of the time, the way she doesn’t really seem to think about what consequences her romantic entanglements might have, it makes me wonder why she joined the rebellion in the first place – the way she seems to attribute most things, like Lena’s travels, to lovers and relationships – not entirely incorrectly, mind – makes me think that might be the root of her joining, in some way. Anyway, I really enjoyed getting to see her serious for a bit.
Loved the flirting between Lenora and Koen, too – even if it feels like Lenora is partly just looking for a distraction after being confronted with Wit, they’ve certainly got chemistry! Loved the little detail about Lenora’s failing conviction, both in how bad of an idea this is, and in her leaving in the morning – she’s already switched to “probably” leaving, but we’ll see what her opinion is sober and in the morning!
Excited to see what happens next!
x Julia
Hi Jacque, back for your request!
Before I get to the meat of this chapter, I honestly never would have thought Koen’s and Wit’s physical resemblance was anything but intentional! I initially thought it was a bit silly to assume they were the same person (lots of people have dark hair) but since their introduction was so similar in that way – both identified by hair and eye colour before we’re given a name – I’d convinced myself that I was onto something, and it felt like this mystery that I had to uncover, which honestly made for a really fun reading experience! My latest theory was that they were long lost brothers or something :D I guess Lenora just has a type :P
Onwards to the chapter!
Love this opening sequence! I think this is the first time we see Lenora take up a different perspective in her dreams, like she’s a participant and not just a silent observer, almost, and it’s a non-human one to boot! Very fun! I guess runa runs through everything, not just people but plants, animals, nature so it makes sense that she should be influenced by/able to influence animals, too, I just hadn’t considered it before. The switch from seeing a bird to being a bird was absolutely delicious, too!
Really enjoyed how dynamic that first scene between Lenora and Wit felt, both in terms of actual movement and in terms of physical and emotional sensations – seeing him again is obviously very emotionally turbulent for Lenora, and I really liked how that seemed to be reflected in the action as well. I’m also super curious about what happened on the coast – especially since Lenora apparently just saw herself dead on the coast! If she’s had that same or a similar dream before it’s no wonder she left that place, on top of whatever happened with Wit!
I’m also very curious about Wit’s hideout – it doesn’t seem like the sort of place someone affiliated with the establishment would frequent, and he claims to be operating alone (though if we can trust him remains to be seen, I suppose).
So they’ve been apart for a year or more, but it seems like Wit’s been keeping an eye on Lenora for at least a little while – which, I guess, with Lenora’s habit of making fast friends isn’t too difficult to do. Really curious about Wit’s powers too – Lenora’s right, he seems to have a whole lot of it! I initially assumed Lenora’d only been out for a few seconds, with the way you described the pain at the end of last chapter and then again at the beginning of this one – but if he’s not only made a fire but also bandaged and healed both her and himself, she must have been out of it for a while; and he seems pretty much unbothered by the whole ordeal. If he’s truly on the other side of this war, that’s a dangerous foe to have!
I’m so intrigued by Lenora’s comment about not falling for it (him?) “again”, especially after calling him an assassin, a liar, and a thief – liar and thief seem like pretty negligible charges, since we already know the two of them lied and thieved their way to make a living together, but is this “assassin” accusation what made them part ways before? Who did he target? I assume it couldn’t have been Lenora, or he wouldn’t have bothered healing her earlier – can’t wait to find out more!
Really loved that fight between them, too, it felt so intense to read! Wit really knows which buttons to push to make it count, and I love that, for every bit of information we learn, there seems to be just as many open questions (these “schemes” Lenora mentions, does she just mean the way he’s currently toying with her, or does that extend to whatever happened before they split up?)!
I absolutely wasn’t expecting Wit to collapse when he did, I thought his comment about giving it a good go was just another sarcastic quip! Maybe he did exert himself more than he let on using all that runa before? Or he prioritised Lenora’s wellbeing over his own? Loved the little detail about Lenora noticing because his runa is no longer droning out everything else, and the desperate energy as Lenora tries healing him comes across super well, especially with the presence of the whispers again, that felt very eerie and creepy, like the dead where encroaching as she frantically tried to keep them at bay.
Absolutely loved that image of Lenora giving everything she’s got and more in that moment, only to immediately feel the consequences of that – I also wonder if Wit really isn’t making any sense, of if “shift” and “fade” are, like, technical runa terms? Like “mend”, or “shudder”, and if this is, like, a concrete danger Lenora is exposing herself to by spending more energy than she’s got at that moment.
Really enjoyed that… interlude? Near-death experience? Glimpse of the afterlife? Not really sure how to describe it, but it felt very compelling, the way that different memories and experiences were woven together, almost as if to craft the perfect conditions for Lenora to not want to return. Even as she knows it’s not real, there’s something that’s keeping her there, and she can’t quite bring herself to return to the world of the living without outside intervention. And again, there’s a beach! Beaches and death really seem to go hand in hand for these two – and that’s been obvious since before their first meeting, really, but it really feels like that’s perhaps a narrative theme I should be paying more attention to!
Really interesting to see Wit going through these grounding exercises with Lenora, even when he is the one who would need them at the moment. Guess that means that fading (? is that what that is? losing consciousness like that, anyway) must have been a fairly common occurrence for the two of them. But, Lenora seems to have recovered so much more quickly than Wit, I wonder – just how much of his memories is he missing?
Great chapter!
x Julia
Hey hey hey! I’m checking out this reboot, even though I’ve read it before. But since I never put words to it, here they are!
There’s a thing that happens in a reboot, where you are more intimately familiar with all the ins and outs of a story, and I think this rebooted first chapter shows that a lot. There’s a deliberate way in this version that you present the information, like you’ve discovered how to pull in the reader to experience the past along with the present. It’s not an easy storytelling choice, but you’re doing a great job of showing us what came before and how Lena feels about her place in it. It’s all solid. We see her as who she was, and then how she’s running away from that, turning into the person she’s becoming in the story. It’s a more immediate presentation, which I think works well to ground us in Lena’s perspective.
Her relationship with her mother is tenuous. I didn’t really get a lot of that from the earlier draft, but now it’s up front and center, and it explains a lot about her character. I loved seeing the way they met for the first time, too, and how it rolls right into a memory from the past.
I also love the way you chose to show how “knotted” people are perceived in this world, with the guard and the vendor, bringing up the spice trade and other things that will play into the story later on. I know, I’m a horrible reviewer since I’ve read ahead so far… 😛
Okay, so that was so cool. Pepper spray to the rescue! Showing the way the runa works, while wrapping it up in all kinds of discrimination, awesome!
“Oh so you can swear, but I can’t?”
Tee hee
And we see relics too!
“Falling for me already?
Yes. Yes, I think I am.
Pix
Hi, I'm here for our swap!
I think I mentioned this in my review of the last chapter, but I like how we're getting both the past and present. It's a great way to get us 'caught up' on how Lenora got into this situation, but it still leaves enough of a mystery that we're still learning things as we go. I'm really interested in who this new king is and why Lenora is hiding in a smithy.
So Lenora knows the head of the Kamari. Interesting that he was banished and now is back. I wonder if we're going to run into him...
So Sorrin, Koen, and Jessa all have runa? Interesting. I wonder if that's one of the reasons why they're rebelling against the new king. From the way the guards were treating Lenora, I imagine that having those abilities isn't exactly popular with the new regime.
Oh. Sevrin, the new king, was one of the guards. And he betrayed Lenora's father. It's interesting that Koen would use the name so familiarly. I wonder if he had anything to do with the Kamari? Or maybe his father did? I'm very intrigued by our little ragtag group of rebels, and I'm hoping that Lenora spends more time with them. They seem very close-knit, and I'm not sure which one is my favorite.
Okay, I love how you made it look like Koen was about to die, but then it turned out to be a vision. That was a really good transition, and I love it so much. I mean, Koen almost died, but I love the transition and how we don't know that it's a vision until she wakes up. And her falling asleep when she thought she was waking up? That was amazing!
Also, small thing, but I love how she can kind of change fate, but I wonder if that will eventually have consequences for her. Escaping death, you know.
I am looking forward to the next chapter, and I'm very glad that Koen didn't die this time.
Thanks for swapping, and have a nice day!
-A
Back for chapter 4! :D
Oh, interesting! I hadn’t realised Lenora and Wit weren’t already friends when they escaped together – I guess this means them sticking together must have been more circumstantial, at first then out of a sense of friendship or loyalty. I suppose that also means that the coup really happened quite soon after the initial scene, when Lenora was 13 – which, looking back, is obvious from your story summary, but I had still been piecing together from context clues.
With that in mind, I really like how you describe their developing dynamic, that it takes years for them to truly warm up to each other – which makes me even more curious about what made them split up in the end, it feels like a connection forged so carefully would be unlikely to end, like, accidentally or as a spur of the moment thing.
That scene where Lenora can’t sleep is so lovely – it’s so intimate, and soft, and you can see how deeply they care about each other at this point, especially when Lenora observes that it’s a softness that is only offered to her – when you’re two orphans on the run together, I suppose you can’t often afford to be soft and gentle, so it makes their trust in each other stand out all the more. I also thought that contrast when the flashback ends was excellent – to have so intimate a connection (even if it may not have been explicitly romantic for both of them) reduced to something as mundane as “being fit” would obviously cause quite an emotional response from Lenora. I especially loved the idea of the question “raking” against her chest, that’s such a distinct visual, but one that fit so well!
Ooh, whispers, this is fun (not for Lenora, obviously, but for me!) – I’m not sure if we’ve ever seen her hear whispers before, but she seems to be familiar with it? I suppose it could be the last moments of a dying person, reaching out to her? Which would mean that her connection with the dead is no longer limited to her sleep, but now infringes on her waking hours as well – super interesting, I wonder how long that’s been going on! I wonder if her travelling companions can also sense relics, just not from so far away, or how common this ability is exactly.
Still, even with Lenora used to it, it makes a lot of sense that that would be something that’s really difficult to shake off, especially since she can’t predict if and where she’ll encounter a relic.
Oh, wow, I wonder what their plans were with a relic, never mind where it had gone – from the way Lenora describes it, relics are super sinister – I suppose additional power could be enough of an allure to anyone with a cause, but still, it just seems to dark – hope we find out more about it soon!
Enjoyed their banter in this section, too – Koen’s blatant flirting is so different from Wit’s serious indifference that I’m willing to accept they’re two different people for now :P
Yay, lore drop! Loved getting to see a bit more of the current political structure, and of Sevrin’s coup. His fear tactics, his separations of families, his indoctrinating the young – it goes a long way both in painting the picture of unease and dissatisfaction that must be felt throughout the kingdom, and in explaining why he is still in power – he’s really cemented his position, so a rebellion would need to be very powerful (which could explain the interest in relics).
Oh, the whispers are back? I wonder if they really were a relict – I suppose there could be some reason a relict would want Lenora to fight this other group, if it thought (? can they think?) that would bring her closer to it, but it feels like a stretch. Maybe there’s an actual person somewhere interfering with her thoughts? Very mysterious, either way!
Really enjoyed the fight scene, too! It makes a lot of sense to me that Lenora would hesitate to engage at first, not because she doesn’t want to help out her new friends, but because there’s no way for certain to ascertain if this is actually real, or just another dream. That, and I feel not doing what a dark whisper tells you to do is not a bad course of action, all things considered. And, after seeing Lenora’s interaction with the cart, where the dead whispering to her earlier? Or are these accusations only imagined? Also, why would they transport a cart of dead bodies – whatever it is, it can’t be good!
Wow! I was not expecting THAT reveal! I guess Wit and Koen are definitely different people (although, I can’t help but notice, their pattern of speech is pretty similar, never mind their looks), but whatever did Wit do that made him end up on that side of the war?
I can’t help but think that, with the way you describe Jessa, Koen, and Sorrin being bested by Wit’s runa ability, his ability to weave in and out, Lenora might be the perfect person to fight Wit – after all, he trained her, so she would know best to predict his erratic movement.
What a cliffhanger!
x Julia
Hiya, here for the next chapter!
Ooh, a flashback! And it seems we’re going to find out more about our mystery boy – I’m immediately intrigued! A telling name – Lenora’s right, it suits him to a tee (if it is his real name, he's certainly lying about other things); and I think it’s a great name for this fantasy setting – phonetically similar enough to the other names to make it seem like a real name, he doesn’t stick out like a sore thumb for being the only one to be names after a normal noun, but at the same time, so fitting for a quick-witted, cheeky boy like him.
I think the concept of Lenora being able to hear runa is very cool, and it makes a lot of sense to me that someone having a quiet aura would stick out more to her, when she’s used to pretty much constant noise – I also wonder if Wit’s being quiet is just a matter of chance, or personality, or if there’s something more to it; it almost feels like maybe he’s been trained and has learnt to control it in some way – perhaps specifically to avoid detection?
Loved getting some more info about the magic system, too – I’m not sure if I’ve fully grasped what being ‘knotted’ means yet, so it was great to have a sort of explanation from Wit, even if it was immediately dismissed as superstition – which I think is actually a great way to introduce/talk about something so complex and shrouded in myth; I’m beginning to think I’m not meant to understand it fully, because no one, except for very few people, actually does. I’m assuming it’s some sort of ability to intervene in the fates of others? But I’m very happy to be proved wrong in any case.
Loved that smooth transition from Wit to Koen (who I’m still not entirely convinced are actually different people), and the ambiguity of who, exactly, is heartbeat-less – Wit, Koen, both? And is it just because he’s been hurt, or is he maybe not entirely human, or entirely alive? I’m wildly spinning theories again! And, if Lenora does have some ability to intervene with her seer abilities, it seems to be limited – I’d thought danger had been avoided at the end of the last chapter, but apparently not?
Oh, so the rebels are trying to reinstate Lenora on the throne, even if they don’t know Lena is her, yet. I’d thought Lenora would have been presumed dead, not lost or missing; though I guess that explains why she was moving around so much – a lost princess is much more likely to be recognised on the streets than a dead one, after all.
I love finding out more about how everybody’s runa works differently, and how that manifests in their everyday, and their fighting styles and the like! It also makes a lot of sense how runa is used as a tool for oppression, and reinforcing existing structures, just by way of limiting access to it; I guess it’s like any other resource in that way.
I suppose Koen’s runa being ‘loud and impulsive’ is the point where I should give up on my Wit-is-Koen theory? But then, why would you give them the same hair AND eye colour – especially when you then tell us that those amber eyes have been haunting Lenora’s dreams again? Much mystery to still be uncovered, there! (Maybe Wit’s beard was so unkempt that it leaves him unrecognisable without it? But why wouldn’t he reveal himself? I’m grasping at straws, at this point.)
I wonder what Wit had been talking about, when he didn’t refer to runa? Political stability, Lenora’s position as princess, their travelling together? I also wonder what the timeline is on that, when those lessons started – before or after they escaped together? Hope we get to see some more of that soon, if only to either confirm my suspicions or disabuse me of them altogether :P (And because I’m very intrigued about their dynamic from the flashbacks we get from 23-year-old Lenora, as well as the brief childhood interactions!)
I really like the detail of Sorrin and Jessa’s weapon of choice being some sort of connection to home, and to their old life – I assume they were sent off, or even taken away, to be trained by the mages, so I feel like it makes a lot of sense that they’d try to maintain that connection wherever they could.
Really enjoyed this chapter – felt like some much-needed ease and leisure for the gang, relatively speaking, after the near fatal encounters so far, and I loved getting to know a bit more about each of Lenora’s new companions!
x Julia
Hi Jacky, back for chapter 2 :)
Oh, so it seems like it’s not just Lenora’s life that has changed, but there was an uprising! And I guess it couldn’t have been too long after the initial scene, if Lenora and her mystery companion – who, again, I’m assuming is the still unnamed, darkhaired boy? Can’t wait to find out more about him, the way he (?) keeps popping up – have travelled together for years and are still young enough to blend in with the other orphaned children.
That idea is so heartbreaking, to imagine that orphans are so commonplace that another couple will go unnoticed, and that they’re all just being treated as nuisances ‘overstaying their welcome’ – I guess that’s the sad reality of war though. I also really liked the matter-of-fact tone you used here, no matter how sad the idea is to us, for Lenora, it’s simply her life, so it makes sense that she would be pretty blasé about it.
She keeps seeing him die, night after night? I can’t imagine how harrowing that must be as an experience, but I’m super intrigued by the implications – initially, I’d assumed that Lenora had perhaps misinterpreted her first dream, that she hadn’t actually seen him dead when he’d washed up on the beach and just inferred that he was, because that’s usually what she sees – but it’s not likely she’d make that same mistake over and over again, so there must be something more to it – he certainly seems to be some sort of anomaly when it comes to her abilities, I wonder if he has some runa abilities, too? Definitely seems like a fair assumption on his part to not let fate tell him how to live, he does seem to be above it, to defy it over and over.
I’ve loved getting some more insight into Lenora’s past, I’m very curious now about how, when, why she and the boy ever split up when they initially set out together – I suppose Lenora’s said she doesn’t like spending too much time around any one person to avoid endangering them, but it does feel like there must have been some sort of event to trigger it.
Loved that first paragraph back in the present timeline – it’s so vivid, with all the different sensations Lena is feeling, the pain really comes through, and that makes it so clear that every time anyone uses their runa, there is a price to pay. Was it Sorrin who healed her ribs, is that the energy you describe running through Lena’s body? Makes me wonder how widespread runa ability is, and how much of it could be taught, or is innate – he doesn’t seem like the type to have received a formal education in it, in any case.
Still very curious about the stranger from the marketplace – he remains a ‘stranger’, in Lena’s eyes, so maybe some of my earlier assumptions were wrong. (Though, that won’t stop me from making new ones; the mage Tariq, who was expelled for ‘amplifying the runic connections of young mages’, I wonder if he ever got his hands on Lenora? He would have had ample opportunity as her diviner after all.)
(Although, with dark hair AND hazel eyes, I can’t see how the stranger could be anyone else – and we’ve finally got a name! I’ve a number of theories to explain this disconnect between Lena’s past experiences and her presence, between her waking state and her dreams already, each more unhinged than the last.)
More worldbuilding! Very excited to find out more about the current political state of Syla, and about the rebel uprisings – this one in particular I’m keen to dig into; if they’re trying to reclaim the throne for House Alymere, who exactly are they planning to give it to; as far as they should be aware, there wouldn’t be anyone left, would there? Unless they somehow have intel about Lenora having escaped…
It definitely seems like Koen knows a whole lot about Lenora, I wonder if he’s seen straight through her disguise as Lena.
I admit I got a bit lost there in the middle, the way Koen was looking out onto the ocean made it seem like they were still on the high seas, but then Lenora steps right onto the dock – I suppose she could have been so absorbed in their conversation that she missed them sailing into the harbour, but it did feel a bit sudden to me.
I’m so confused about Koen’s/the boy from the beach’s/Lenora’s travelling companion’s identity – I can’t make out if they’re all the same person, two people, three? It’s certainly a very effective way to keep your readers hooked! Either way, very fascinated to find out she’s not had a nightmare about him (them?) in months!
Trouble really does seem to follow Lenora, but at this time, it feels more than incidental! I really enjoyed the way you described combat, it feels very dynamic with the way you detail everything that’s going on with the different fighters, and I love how they’re still getting banter in even while under attack.
Ah, it seems I’ve fallen for the age-old trick of mistaking a dream sequence for an actual occurrence – but who can blame me, when it felt so real. I wonder, does this count as breaking the months-long streak of Lena not dreaming about mystery boy dying? In any case, it’s good that she did, she seems to have avoided tragedy for her troupe (new-found friends?)
Great chapter! Some questions (partway) answered, even more new ones raised!
Excited to find out more, and to dig into some new party dynamics, too!
x Julia
Hi Jacky!
here with the review you requested and to celebrate the archive being up again :P
I’m really loving the way you set things up in this first scene, the way that Lenora is made to repeat the basics of the political and magic systems is, I think, a good way to let readers know a bit about what’s going on without it seeming forced. I’m also really intrigued by the way you set up runa – you’ve already made it clear that it’s not some sort of can-fix-anything incredible power, but comes with its own costs and consequences – quite harsh ones, in Lenora’s case! The way that Lenora describes the night she saw the dead boy as a relief really stood out to me; it feels like Lenora is already much more intimately familiar with the ‘responsibility’ that the diviner mentions, much more so than Mivian realises!
I really like the… idk, tension isn’t quite the right word, but this conflict in Lenora’s character of her still being so young, and childlike in some ways (like not wanting to be caught snooping by her mother, and the little fibs she’s prepared for that exact situation) and so wise beyond her years in others – she knows a lot more than other people presume, and it feels like she’s aware of the advantages that can bring in some circumstances. I feel like that’s a very natural consequence of her growing up as a future queen, and with her runa ability to boot.
I’m very intrigued by her dreams as well – at first I thought she was merely a witness to what was happening, but with her saying that she’s been protecting and defending others, it seems like she’s more than just a helpless witness, but seems to have some influence over what might happen? Can’t wait to find out more about that!
Oh! Bare fingers! When you first mentioned Lenora wore gloves I just accepted that as a given, normal thing, like, yeah, noble women in a pseudo high/late medieval fantasy world would probably wear gloves – but now mentioning a superstition, it feels like a much more deliberate choice in Lenora’s case, and probably related to her magic! What a fun detail to include! It feels like a really powerful metaphor for Lenora’s isolation from others, too – she’s not only isolating herself by keeping her nightmares/visions and the full extent of her runa to herself, she is also (more or less?) unable to physically touch other people?!
Really enjoyed this opening sequence, and I love where you left us off – it feels like the boy she’s just met is going to be important, but I like that that’s the only thing we learn about him. I think revealing his name, or his connection to runa might have put Lenora’s bravery into the background, but this way, it’s still very much a story about her, so I think that’s a great way to end that scene.
Small detail, but I really loved how you kept likening runa to music, and referencing chords, harmonies, etc. – really felt like a way to have it be both mystical and tangible in a way, if that makes sense!
I love how that rush of water serves as an anchoring point between Lenora’s life as a child and her life now – they are so different, but the nightmares seem to be the one thing that remains! I hope we find out more about what happened to have Lena end up where she is, but I like not knowing in that moment!
I really enjoy the tempo at which you reveal more details about the state of the kingdom ten years later – much of it seems the same, or similar enough, with Syla still being a thing, the Guard, there being a king (which, of course, doesn’t necessarily have to be Lenora’s father, but that’s what I’m assuming at this point), so it feels like Lena’s being where she is is more the result of personal developments than a system change – can’t wait to find out what exactly happened there!
I really enjoyed the fast-paced action of the confrontation in the market, but I’m not sure I followed it fully – is “the stranger from before” the long-haired soldier (who, with his dark hair, I’m assuming is the boy from the beach)? Or someone else entirely? In any case, I really loved the way you’ve described Lena’s use of runa in that scene, with the use of the pepper, the physical effort of focussing, all the references to sounds, vibrations – it all felt very vivid and immersive!
Love where you left us off! There are so many questions that need answering – is the dark-haired soldier who I think he is, what exactly is in that cart, and how did Lenora end up in Lawic?
Great opening chapter!
x Julia
Thrilling first chapter! Near drownings, chases through the market, and a terrifying gift of visions!
Hey Jacquelin! My sincerest apologies for taking a while to get to this but I am finally getting around to reading this story and reiewing it! I’m also here for the Snowlodge/wishlist event although I’m aware that it’s super late but alot has happened. Anyway, that being said, onward to the review, shall we?
So we’re starting out with Lenora and from what I learn, she is a Princess who seems to have the ability to be like that of a seer or a seer of some kind, in part, thanks to runa. However, this is more of a curse than blessing which makes me feel that she’s going to be struggle with the powers or more specifically, an ancient type of magic, that causes her to dream of events as well as bring about fates of many things including things she probably has no control over which is probably why she’s not fond of her powers. That, and the fact that it’s recurring for her especially the nightmares.
I already like that the story actually starts off with Lenora’s disinterest and far off thoughts to her runa as opposed to being focused on the lesson as that’s relatable because who actually wants to be stuck listening to a lecture or learning things cooped up inside all day? Come again, unlike Lenora, what the Diviner is teaching her actually fascinates me enough to want to learn more about the runa and the kingdom of Syla as well as the other kingdoms in this world. I do, however, also sympathise for the Diviner too as she has to deal with trying to help educate and teach Lenora important things and Lenora is not willing to be there.
Has something happened with the runa involving Lenora possibly or somebody else that her father is objecting to what the Kingsguard and the instructor of Redan are discussing with him? Definitely can understand Lenora’s curiosity as to what is happening seeing as she’s walked in a discussion that sounds highly important. Ah, so she lives in the Kingdom of Syla, that’s cool then and there’s another kingdom called Lyra. You know…those are interesting names especially for warring kingdoms.
The conversation about seashells as well as Lenora’s pouch makes me ponder if they live nearby the ocean or a sea based location. Ahhh, so is House Alymere another House they’re affiliated with or are they allies with them? It may be a smaller detail yet I love how you’re setting up the world through such an object such as Lenora’s pouch and the sigil of House Alymere! The recurring nightmare is a pain in the butt yet it’s also must be difficult to hide it even from a family member that you love because you don’t want them to react in a way that could make the situation worse for both of them.
The words that you use to describe Lenora’s actions in the story is one of my favorite things that I’ve been reading so far, whether she’s running out of the castle into the sea or how when she gets knocked back by the waves as she does. Oh no! So her nightmare is becoming reality then. That cannot be good! I’m guessing this is before she finds out that she’s a seer or has seer-like powers or the timeline of what her runa abilities are. Am I right? This feels like the catalyst of what’s to come. What significance does this boy in her nightmares, now a reality, hold? Will it be somebody that she’s fated to save then and later on, be an important connection in the future?
You know what’s great about your writing? The way that I could imagine the scenes flowing in the depths of my imagination when you described the sensation of her trying to save him only for her to get swept into the waves. Oh, and when you were saying she, did you mean the ocean whose waves were dragging her feet in as she tried to resist? Or did you mean the boy’s runa? I think that’s one part that had puzzled me somewhat. I actually enjoyed this scene very much so! Oh, and my favorite part is this: “I kicked my legs again but the blue of the sky melted with the hues of the ocean and I couldn’t tell which way I was swimming.” The ocean and skies are both similar in blue yet the way you described in here is just chef’s kiss! I also liked that the boy had smirked at her and she smiled at him in spite of her conflicting feelings regarding that the fact that he was supposed to be her nightmare. Wonder if this is where she was hiding her fear in this moment or if the boy, despite the nightmares, made her feel differently from what had occured.
The contrast of past Lenora facing the amber eyed boy with black hair on the beach to the present Lenora who is much older with tangled, messy brown hair and smelly clothes as opposed to the elegant dresses and combed hair as the scene transitions of the timeline is pretty smooth. It seems like a set of events have lead her to where she is now stripped of her royalty status where she is now instead living more like a commoner which leaves tons of room for speculations and questions as to how she ended up where she is now which is great because who doesn’t love the mystery of what changed from the timeline from then to now? For some reason, I couldn’t help but think in a sense when you described her waking up from the dream that she had as if she actually fell from grace. I hope that made sense!
Despite all that’s happened in the past, am glad that she was able to befriend Calia who was able to give her a place to stay in the pub and is trying to help her in own way as well to get out there in the world. Also the way that she’s woken up by the town drunkard must have been annoying to have to deal with considering that it was a rude awakening at that!
I love worldbuilding as it definitely spreads out here and there throughout the whole story as opposed to having it being dumped in one whole scene. Whether it’s the way that you describe the streets of Lawric that Lenora walks through to the phrases such as knotted being used here yet with a different meaning, it genuinely shows how thought and care is put into this world.
Ahhhhh the introduction of Sorrin and Jessa! I love it so much as I’m pretty sure that I’ve read about and it’s great to finally see them in action! Oh, who is this mysterious stranger and what does he want? What's his role in all of this? The plan where she pretends to be the vendor’s granddaughter and the way she tried to escape shows that she’s resourceful and somewhat prepared to face the soldiers shows me that she wasn't going to let the soldiers keep mistreating the vendor back there despite it causing a setback for her. Oh, and loving the way that she uses the black pepper seeds as a weapon to fight against them. The use of runa as self defense and the means of escape is great! I have to ask if the fact that her long hair always getting in the way is something that she's going to have face constantly. I actually chuckled when she exclaims as to why it got in her way hahaha!
The part where Sorrin says that he’s not allowed to swear yet Jessa is also made me laugh although I have to ask: does Jessa not like it when other people curse or something?
I actually have a question in regards to these two sentences which reads: “The closer the cart go the louder the silence grew, surrounding Lenora like a veil of cold, stale air. It sent a shiver down my spine as the whispers started.” I wanted to ask you if you meant to write in first or third person in terms of Lenora’s point of view and wanted a clarification regarding those particular sentences.
Oh whoa! There's alot happening in these scenes whether it's when she’s trying to escape from the guardsman, the stranger and Sorrin becoming obstacles, and using her runa again were just great! My favorite, however, has to be when she somehow lands into the arms of the mysterious stranger who manages to catch her efficiently while asking her that question had me squealing as to what’s to come! I can’t even! The way he just flirts with her kind of made me chuckle! What a way to end the chapter for sure! Who is this mysterious dark haired soldier with the green eyes and what’s going to be his connection with Lenora? That’s one of the many questions already pacing through my thoughts as I read it! Nonetheless, I shall definitely find my answer when I continue to read more of this! Aside from that, I wanted to mention the way that you write the action scenes is pretty great and I immensely love reading them even if my brain has to go back and reread it to get a better understanding of it.
Overall, I am very much enjoying this story and want to know more about Lenora, the dark haired, green eyed stranger who caught her, Calia, Sorrin, and even though we got bits of her: more of Jessa too! The dialogue throughout, the way we got to see Lenora’s past as well as present day, and just everything about the runa and the world is all just great! You definitely pulled me in with this chapter for sure! I truly hope to find time to continue onward with Lenora’s adventures hopefully from here on out or as soon as possible!
Until then,
Di/Diana
Interesting chapter there - another well choreographed fight scene with a big twist. Now to figure out what the hell is going on, eh? The sequence of revealing backstory while moving through the setup for the fight scene is really effective for you - well crafted! Of course you're making it awful tricky to know who to like, but that's the point, right? Everything worked really nicely in this sequence. Thanks for the story!
George
Happy winter!
I have been meaning to read this, and I'm very excited to see what Lenora gets into. Also, love the chapter titles.
'The ocean was singing a soothing song of chaos and I wanted was to get swept up in it and drown out the whispers that crept in when it was too quiet'. I think that's my favorite line so far, but it's had a lot of competition. You're very good at describing this world from Lenora's point of view, and it shows both the world and Lenora's character.
Ohohohohohohoh, the boy from her dreams?? Interesting. I wonder if he's also the boy who laughs at death? It would make sense, seeing as he didn't drown.
...Lenora?? Why did you run away? Where is the boy?
I like what you've done with the past and present sections because where you ended the past scene tied so nicely into her waking up in the pub. I'm curious how she got to said pub, but I'm also super curious what happened to the boy after she found him. If it weren't so late at night, I'd definitely read the rest right now, but, alas, it'll have to wait until tomorrow.
Why do I get the feeling that Sorrin's going to be a little troublemaker? Interesting that the soldier's back. I wonder if he's been sent by the royal family to keep an eye on Lenora? Or is he even a real soldier at all??
Great first chapter, and I'm looking forward to reading the rest of the fic. Have a nice day, and happy winter!!
-A
I've been wanting to get into this OF of yours for so long and I am so happy I finally got the chance to do so.
You've managed to introduce into an intricate new world and have it quickly feel familiar and like somewhere we've been before, which is no easy feat. I thought Diviner Mivian's lesson was very interesting hehe I felt bad for Lenora who obviously did not want to be there but I liked learning about the political systems that are in place in this world.
I'm so intrigued by Lenora's dreams and the fact that they catch up with her in real life. I thought you did a wonderful job weaving that information together for us and I found myself paying extra attention to the details you were proving. I can't wait to know more about the young man she saved. But phew, poor Lenora. It's no wonder she hasn't been getting enough rest.
And now ten years have passed, and so much has changed. There's tons of new characters in this second part, and I'm finding myself enjoying all of them. The dark haired solider especially... What can I say, I'm sucker for lines like, "Falling for me already?" hehe
A wonderful start to this story, dear. I'm so happy to see there's quite a few chapters up ahead for me to read.
- Quilly
Hiii, I'm back :)
I adore the opening scene, and I love how you're using the beginnings of each chapter to refer to the past. I'm wondering if, eventually, it will catch up with the main story and what will happen when it does :eyes: I also just love the tone in this section, I can really get a sense of their struggle, and it keeps me wanting more, knowing how Lena ends up in the present, at least.
WHOA. That whole second section was a total whirlwind. I don't think I missed it in the first chapter, but she can predict the future? Holy badass. I was really engrossed in the fight scene after she "fell asleep" at the bar. Can she do it on command, or is it only in her dreams? So curious.
I'm also ready to hear more about Koen. Halfway through I found myself going "Alright, alright, I'm interested in him." I think I still need to re-read a bit to get more of an understanding of the structure of the world, but I can tell that she waas royalty and that is not something she can be proud of anymore. </3
Excited to learn more about Sorrin and Jessa, too!
Great chapter, Jacque :)
Cat
Nice chapter! I really liked how well you interleaved exposition long your world, especially the elements of runa, with your protagonist's observations of her present situation and her companions. I'm still curious about your choice of first person perspective, as I as with the previous version. I've always struggled with first person myself, any last I'm prose; poetry as easier but I digress. To you find that your protagonist being a seer simplifies of complicates your writing? Either way, your work has good flow, so if read as if you're not struggling with it. I'm looking forward to catching up with this one.
George
Jacqueeeeee
Hi! I thought I would come check this out after you left a response in my nano nest :) I've been meaning to but I'm short on time lately
I am SO intrigued by Lenora/Lena and this whole world you're literally building.I'm excited to learn more about Runa and what it does and who has it and this mysterious soldier. Also, our mysterious, washed-up boy. I love the different slang words like knotted and the geography like The Straight. I'm slowly learning, and it's wonderful. I'll def have to go back and read our lil prologue once I learn more about Lyra and its place in the world. For now, great first chapter
Cat :)
Hi Jacqueline!
I'm here to read and admire what you've come up with in this story and to give you a review as a Treat for the Trick or Treat October Forum Challenge.
What stands out immediately is that there is a lot of action in this story, so that it requires careful reading and attention to detail to understand and capture it all, especially since we are learning a new world system at the same time. It is a challenge to distinguish what is happening in real time and what is dreams/visions on Lenora's part.
In the opening scenes I pick up the vibes of the political situation being precarious for the ruling family (Lenora's parents). I get the impression that Lenora has the ability to sense, by means of dreams and visions, what the mortal fate of various people is going to be (and possibly she can take steps to prevent impending tragedies; correct me if I am misinterpreting). She sees a half-drowned boy washed up on the beach (real life) who resembles a boy she has seen repeatedly in her dreams and attempts to save him, but almost gets drowned herself. Apparently she is saved by the black-haired boy whom she so recently pulled from the water..
Now this is all very intriguing, and I would love to know who this boy is and what happens next, but I must corral my impatience. We readers get a ten-year flash-forward, in which Lenora is now a family-less blacksmith's helper in a coastal town of an outer province, no longer the daughter of royalty. Obviously a lot has happened in the intervening ten years, but I have faith that we will eventually learn it all, in the author's good time.
As is your forte, you regale us with a lot of action, which is very easy to follow when I do careful re-reading, although there are several new characters introduced -- Calia, Sorrin, Jessa, the nameless blond-headed soldier, all of whom seem like 'good guys', as far as we can tell.
The story intrigues me such that I want to keep reading, to find out what brought about Lenora's great fall in social status, and to find out who these people are--some sort of resistance to a new regime? And I hope to find out more about what runa is, exactly, and how it works. Lenora is a pretty tough customer, but I suppose she always was, and we'll see what she and her new acquaintances manage to accomplish!
Nice story. thank you for writing!
Vicki
Nice recycling of the tavern fight into a something new. It makes an interesting chapter this way. Lena's gift can make her appear almost unstuck in time, which I suppose is the real challenge of telling this story in first-person, eh? You're doing well with it so far, anyway, at least for my taste. I think your pacing is better this version, too. Whatever your main stimulus for this rewrite was, it seems to be working for you.
As with your earlier version of this story, I enjoy your action sequences very much. I also appreciate the addition of some backstory so that Lena's situation is more understandable, although I confess your structure surprised me a bit - once I got far enough along to see how you were doing the exposition through dream/daydream I got rolling along fine, though.
I look forward to how you continue developing this - I think you've gotten a tighter hold on it this time. Thanks for sharing it.
George
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