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I've probably read this story a hundred times, but I'm only now getting a moment to actually review it. I apologize for my slowness!
I may have told you this already, but this story is amazing. The originality in its structure floors me. And the way you're able to write in this perspective adds so much to the depth here. The repetition of the personal pronouns I and you really banish the narrative distance between the story and the readers. The fact that you're able to take us right into things makes this all the eerier.
I also love that the way you write this highly dysfunctional relationship shows that both characters are part of the problem. Neither of them treats the other well, and the depth of their issues obviously leads directly to the conclusion. But there's still this...hm. Preventability? I think what I'm trying to say is that this outcome doesn't seem inevitable. It's not a foregone conclusion when they meet. They both had opportunities to walk away from the relationship, and yet they chose to stay and things exploded.
The narrator is so intensely creepy throughout this. It's hard not to feel sorry for her at the beginning, but as it becomes clear that she's not innocent in this (especially not by the end), it creates this discomfort where you don't exactly know what to believe. I have to commend you on that—it's no easy feat to write an unreliable narrator.
Really, this is just fantastic. The counts going up and down throughout are an amazing way to track the status of the relationship, and the stasis at the beginning being mirrored at the end is narrative perfection. Wonderful job, my dear. <3
xoxo,
Emily
*for the Fairyland review event*
Gosh Sam, this concept that relationships, regardless of their frequency or seriousness, are about keeping score is done rather brilliantly. The way you interject specific moments these two individuals share with the scoreboard, is just a really creative concept. I love the title of this and how you draw the allusion out throughout this piece in a way that just captures your attention and makes you transfixed by the story. Again, very in tune with the meaning behind the title as you draw us in as reader's like you draw these character's together. This method of writing is INSANELY CLEVER.
"I don’t need to be with you; I can stand on my own two feet, can breathe just fine on my own.
But something is richer about the oxygen when you’re around."
I'm here for personal agency in relationships. But I also love the idea of needing something to accentuate your feelings or to make the world seem brighter somehow. Your choice to not play with light like so many other writer's do and to go with the concept of air and oxygen and breathing and how that feels, was really a refreshing concept.
Your depiction of kissing as a power dynamic is very valid. I feel like physical intimacy is about power and control, who has it, who yields it, who safeguards it and who abuses it. There are so many ways to explore power through physicality. And I love how here it is something of a struggle. Again, it fits with your whole concept that relationships are about keeping score.
And then fuck Sam. It becomes to dark and all consuming and powerful. Love turned lust turned obsession turned mania. I just. It's such a subtle descent into darkness that it shocks the hell out of you as a reader in the best possible way ever. I definitely did not see that coming.
Amazing! I would vote this best experimental writing piece if I could. I just found everything about this to be totally unique! Thanks for sharing this with you!
<3 Courtney
* team ice otter *
Hi Sam! I’m here for the review event.
Your prose in this is absolutely gorgeous and I love your descriptions – they’re so beautiful and work so well. (Please note I have gradually lost the ability to English over the course of the reviewing event, my apologies.) I also really liked the addition of the scoreboard and its updates throughout the chapter – it’s such a cool way of portraying the feelings of the two characters very openly and translating their emotions to another form.
I really liked your narrator. They’re so obviously a goner and their attraction is so cute (and also you do such an amazing job describing it.
Also this line “But something is richer about the oxygen when you’re around” is both really adorable and really poetic but also a really good way to describe love and attraction and desiring someone? I also love the sass of “who let you loose in a Hallmark store” because man those cards are cheesy but also cheesy is fitting sometimes and I think this time was one of those times.
I was definitely not expecting the relationship to end like that. It felt so sudden to me, and yet when I went back earlier I could see how you gradually wove hints of foreshadowing into the fic. Excellent job.
Also that ending. Holy. Wow. I love the gradualy shortening of the narration and how the scoreboard ends with a tie. It seems very fitting and also. This was amazing.
~Liv
Hi Sam! I’m here for CMDC Round 3 :D
This story and this relationship is impossible to look away from. It’s like watching a train wreck (you just can’t look away)! I knew from the start, even without seeing that it was on the topic of dysfunctional relationships, that things were going to be rough. The mere fact that the narrator has to keep score tells me that the relationship is off. If you’re with someone you feel safe with, than you don’t have to keep track of the score. In any relationship, there will be times when one partner gives more and another needs to take more—but usually these all even out in the long run.
The scorekeeping throughout the story was part of the momentum that drove it forward. There was something underlying the whole of it—some danger, even from the start—where it felt like life or death. Like these women were drawn to each other, but that it was an attraction that could only end badly. And it does—death for one and loss of freedom (and maybe life) for the other.
I would be really curious to know if the other woman would have kept score in the same way. Did she feel like she was ahead when the narrator thought she was? Did she feel the same danger?
This is a really spectacular story.
Yours,
Noelle
Hey there!
I'm here to drop off a review for the CDMC - Round 3 event! Congratulations on your nomination for the FROGs!
I absolutely love your description of this person in the first section of this story. Aware and still confident is very sexy indeed. I get why the speaker is enamoured.
Omg. The next scene is so hot. I love that she differentiates between consuming and savouring. I love that she challenges them straight up. This woman seems like trouble, but like in the best way possible.
Ooh. This game is very intriguing. I'm not quite sure what exactly is going on yet. Are they trying to woo this woman or just take her home for a one night stand? Maybe it's just an ego boost even?
Okay. I now know that the second person is a woman too. (And frankly I had already guessed because it's your story and you write ladies so well.) I love that she doesn't take advantage of her drunkenness, that she just gets her home safely and tucks her in. That is very sexy indeed.
I am definitely gonna need a cold shower after I'm done reading this. Lol.
Dying at the "Who let you loose in a Hallmark store?" bit.
Ooh this is interesting now. It's always a strange feeling when you start to see the reality in something you once were so enchanted with. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but for some reason, I feel like her whole destruction of this dude and her girlfriend's reaction doesn't bode that well.
I feel like this whole power and dominance thing that goes back and forth between them is going to turn dark at some point. I can't place why, but there's just an ominous tone to it all. It feels like obsession, not true love.
Called it. I really love how you ended this. This obsession sort of consumed them both, driving the speaker into a frenzy. I do wonder if it had been her plan to kill her all along or if it was more inspired by this mad game that they were playing with each other. Either way, I liked the turn it took.
The format of this was so cool too. I love how you kept the tally going all throughout the story. I also liked that the details were vague and we never really get a concrete answer to why this person murdered her lover.
Brilliant work!
~Kaitlin
Hi Sam, I’m here for the CDMC Event!
God, this was terrifically disconcerting. I love how you built up the level of creepiness and dysfunctionality that exuded from the relationship. Like, I wasn’t immediately suspicious of the way the main character kept score, because there’s nothing wrong with a bit of healthy competition, right? And at first, it did just seem like a friendly game of mutual infatuation, but on a second read now, I can already detect unhealthy, manipulative behaviours long before I became apprehensive the first time around. Even from the very start, the attraction the main character experiences and the way she acts are very much envisioned in relation to power, but I was too caught up with intoxication to notice that at first glance, so I am super impressed with the subtlety with which you unfold their story! I think the fact that you never reveal either character’s name also adds to that creepiness, because for the main character, it never really was about a specific relationship at all, but only about power, so names don’t matter, but only numbers.
Paying closer attention to the actual scores on the second read is also fascinating; I hadn’t noticed the switch from a fairly balanced scoreboard with a changing lead to the way the score was always in ‘Your’ favour later on, with the gap between the two competitors seemingly widen with each tally before. It feels like, the more the scores are drifting apart, the more removed from each other the characters are as well, and the unhealthier is their relationship, which is such a cool detail! But despite the scoreboard losing all sense of friendly competition and one-upping each other, I still didn’t expect the main character’s drastic actions at the end! It’s especially creepy how she thinks of murdering her partner as “sacrifice”, and how she frames what happens as inevitable! It’s deeply unsettling, but oh so fitting for the magnificently disturbing atmosphere you’ve created! And I love how, in the end, the scores get closer to each other beat by beat, almost in a controlled manner, that feels very reminiscent of the stasis and steady rhythm the main character talked about at the very beginning of the story.
Much Love,
Julia
Well, erm, um, that took a sudden dark turn I wasn't expecting. So often I feel that people are afraid of a dark ending or a horror ending, but sometimes it's just what a story needs to give it the right closure. If this had ended in just domestic bliss, it would have been insipid and anemic, but because you dared to go there, you get a good strong finish to this.
I like the scoreboard and the way it goes back and forth for a while until "you" goes on a long run into the lead. Looking back, you can see ‘me' losing her way and feeling like she's becoming subsumed in the relationship. This is a great job presenting a dysfunctional and probably abusive relationship even before the murder. That is, I don't believe ‘me' for a minute and wonder about her reliability as a narrator. I'm so glad I didn't face off against you in the first round as I would have been destroyed 301-295. (At least we both went for dark endings!).
One thing I noticed on a re-read was that most of ‘me's' emotions were hunger, and want, but there is little to no empathy with ‘you' and it adds to the cold edge of ‘me'. All in all a great job and a terrific showing that dysfunction can happen regardless of the makeup of a couple.
SAM IT HAS BEEN TOO LONG SINCE I’VE READ ONE OF YOUR WORKS. (Which is…entirely my fault, oops.)
I am reading this piece currently while listening to Chopin’s Piano Concerto, No. 1, which is this extremely jarring piece with somewhat dark undertones (especially when the piano comes in!), which I suspect will fit the mood of this story. :P Someday I promise I will read your stories with the intended soundtrack playing behind it—I still think it’s incredibly cool how large a role music plays in your writing process. <3
Before even reading the chapter, the title strikes me as incredibly ominous. It’s referring to that phenomenon, right, where moths are so entranced by little candle flames that they end up snuffing out their own lives when they get too close…which, when referring to a relationship, is NOT GOOD. (Makes sense, considering the full story of their relationship, wow. <3) What I found immensely fascinating, after reading this story, is that I actually had no idea who the moth was throughout the entire story…and still I am unsure. Which I actually love! The obvious answer is that the “you” is the moth, because she was murdered by the narrator, but at times it felt like the narrator is the moth because all throughout, she feels that irresistible, uncontrollable pull towards her partner… Perhaps the narrator is what happens when a moth begins fearing for their life, and realizes they need to snuff out the flame before anything bad happens. The title brings so much intrigue and meaning to the story, which is amazing. It’s such an incredible title!
I counted up the scoreboards up to the moment when “You” died, and it does look like “You” has a higher number of wins in the total scoreboards, and not by some insignificant margin, either. Further evidence to prove that the narrator is the moth? :P
I need to tell you how much I love this story. There’s something slightly off about it from the beginning, from the first mention of “scoreboard”—a rather unhealthy way to walk into a relationship—to the extremely hungry banter upon their first meeting. At first, I was reading it and wondering whether this is just how these two women sound when they’re nervous, but the rest of the story tells me that, no, this is how they are. Powerful, intense, frightening, and dangerously flirtatious. I was just unbelievably fascinated by their dynamic—it feels so much like Killing Eve, murderous and traitorous but still so exciting to watch.
In the middle, I was conflicted between hoping that these two would have a really happy relationship and just having a somewhat anxious feeling about it all. :P You wrote the narrator’s obsession SO well; I was just biting my fingernails, waiting for the time that something would blow up and become messy. It’s also really interesting how the narrator misjudged her partner; when she had the revelation upon watching her partner put on her makeup, I was kind of shaken, that was so well done. Like, this woman who is able to wreck the life of someone she finds most irritating is frightening, and the fact that the narrator thought her “endearing” made me realize there is some serious disconnect between these two here, despite their connections in the multiple other ways.
Am I overthinking, or was the wallet thing a catalyst for the murder?? It almost feels like “You” knowing exactly what the narrator was searching for, and also where exactly the wallet became a disturbing point for the narrator. Like, it’s actually quite remarkable, the mind-reading that was going on there, which makes me feel like the narrator felt extremely uncomfortable about that. Perhaps even murderously uncomfortable.
The way the score evened out at the end gave me serious chills omggg. <3
SAM THIS STORY IS SO GOOD SJDKFLS. I’M SO GLAD I’VE FINALLY READ IT. And it’s OF, which makes this EVEN MORE exciting!!! <3
Love,
Eva
Hey Sam! :) I was so excited to see something new from you so I had to stop by :D
You have this real talent for writing incredibly interesting, exciting, new and fresh stories - the format, the way you write, the stories that you tell, the characters - everything you write always feels different to every other story somehow, and it means I'm constantly surprised by twists in plots, by the way your characters grow and change throughout the story. It's wonderful because I'm the kind of person who gets bored easily with familiar-feeling stories, so you're like the perfect writer for me to read :)
I absolutely loved the format of this. Omg, it is so incredibly clever and so unique - I've never seen anything like it done before. The way the scoreboard was woven in among the little snippets of story, with the numbers changing between different intervals as time passed and we skipped moments - it was so so good and it made the whole thing flow so perfectly and so easily. It was also so so good, because it seemed kinda romantic initially - the idea of a scoreboard noting the romantic things, the kind and sweet and beautiful gestures, from the little things (putting a blanket over someone while they sleep) to the big things (buying the jewellery, the custom-made present) - but then. But then the ending and wow, does it come across as a cruel, calculated kind of thing: so terrifying and so callous, viewing a relationship as a simple game of numbers which has a clearly definable winner.
Only, I suppose, that's kind of a question in the end: is it actually definable who won? Because you'd think the narrator would have won, but those last snippets kinda suggest that maybe, maybe she didn't after all, because her lover is still winning - because she wins with the narrator still thinking about her, still obsessing over her. It gives it this real kinda twistedly sweet, obsessive colour to it - which reminds me so much of Hannibal or Killing Eve. That kind of beautiful, delicate, romantic psychopathy.
Your writing in this is incredible. It's hard to write a story which doesn't use any first names at all, and second person isn't the easiest pov to write either, but you pull it off perfectly (which is no surprise to anyone, I'm sure ;)). It's just... you're so good at writing stories which are so compact, but have such a real impact and suck you in to them so quickly and so easily. Everything in this story feels so measured, so careful, like each word has been chosen super specifically and put exactly where it should be - it's a precision which only gets dangerous once the twist arrives and it sort of stuns you for a bit? Because, then, it all feels so sort of obvious - like, how could you not get it? But you get so wrapped up in the romance of it all, the little gestures, the super sappy dialogue, the real sense of understanding, of partnership between the two characters - and then. Ugh, it's strange, I almost didn't realise what you'd done - I had to re-read that section about three times for it to really sink in :P
This is gold-standard. As always <3
Laura xx
Hi Sam! You know this was recommended to me by Abbi, but I'm honestly struggling to know where to start with this fic, so please forgive the rambling that's about to follow :P
This was amazing. There's so many elements of it that I loved, and so many lines that were like poetry. I kind of want to quote the whole thing back at you, but that would not be a very helpful way of reviewing.
The opening line was so intriguing - that bald statement, a really unusual one. It caught my interest immediately and pulled me into the story. Who keeps a scoreboard in their heart? It's not a healthy way for any relationship to begin, really, but it was so compelling as a motif running throughout the story. Little vignettes of this couple's time together, punctuated by the update in the scoreboard, so we could see where the two of them both were in the standings, follow the imbalance between them in the relationship. Even though the opening of this story was so gripping and lovely, by the end of it I realised that the scoreboard should have been my first, early indication of how unhealthy this relationship was going to be for the two of them.
The beginning of the relationship was so compelling. Your writing was beautiful throughout this piece, but I thought you captured the start of a relationship so well here - the way that there's that almost dizzy enchantment with another person, the way that they become the first and sometimes only person in the room. But even the start of their relationship seemed to develop as more of a challenge than anything else, both of them trying to come out on top. It tied in so well with the scoreboard that ended each interaction we saw between the two of them.
And then when they do finally get together, I had hope for a few scenes that they were going to have a happy ending. They seemed to be getting closer, to be settling into something healthier with each other - but that was the honeymoon period, and it definitely couldn't last. Right the way through this story, the two of them were battling for dominance. It wasn't just the narrator who kept the scoreboard in her heart, but her lover, who wanted to be the one who had control in the relationship as well. Even when she admitted that she was falling in love with the narrator, there was something almost shameful in it - like she thought the confession made her weaker than she should have been.
Then the ending - oh my goodness, I definitely wasn't expecting that. I could tell that something had definitely shifted when the narrator realised what her lover had done to get rid of the person she worked with (which was really cleverly worked into a scene that started with them falling into a more normal, everyday rhythm with each other), but I definitely wasn't expecting the ending. Because of the length of the vignettes in this story, it came as a real surprise. I could sense that there was a frustration, almost a resentment, building up with her lover, something that's maybe founded on fear and an attempt to protect herself from the heartlessness that she's learnt her lover is capable of, but I wasn't expecting her to kill her, not at all.
The build-up for that surprise worked so effectively with the second person narrative, too. The two characters in the story are never actually named, and so the narrative feels almost like more of a challenge to the reader, who wants to see who will lead the scoring each time - and then we're shocked at the same time as the narrator's lover, when the knife slides into her. It was so well written - sinister and shocking and really powerful storytelling.
The scoreboard at the end was a beautiful way to round out the story and bring everything full circle. Opening and closing with this sense of stasis, of nothing happening until the narrator meets the other woman, and then everything happening so quickly and having such a deep impact. I was watching the scoreboard level and creep up for one or other of the two throughout the story, and there's a chilling kind of poetry in the fact that it's only at the end, in death, that it levels, because the murderer can't have the upper-hand when the victim is so strongly engraved upon her heart.
This was a really stunning piece of fiction, so layered and complex and imaginative, and I'm so glad that I got the chance to read it!
Sian :)
Hi there! This is for the review event this weekend! I hope you know what an amazing piece this is!
I really enjoy the concept of a scoreboard being how someone juggles the beginnings of a relationship. As if whoever had the upper hand in the start wins some how. I enjoy that though the main character knows that this person has some sort of power over them, that still they press onwards, completely enthralled by the person. Their score gets higher while the main characters stays at zero and still they don’t care.
I think my favourite part is how you as the author show the imbalance in power that the main character practically gives to the other character, and yet over taken with desire they continue into what it sure to be a toxic situation. The way the other character speaks to the main character is interesting, they practically ooze confidence and self assurity, where as the main character seems so entranced in the others well everything.
“But not so many want to savour me”
That was such a beautiful and deep line, and I really enjoy how you have brought that out of the other character. People can’t help being naturally beautiful, and sensual, cannot help being naturally attractive, and this brings a whole new view of the other character. They seems now that they want to be loved, but people just want to use them for their obvious attractive qualities.
You have a way with words that captures my attention, the imagery and the descriptions paint the characters in beautiful colours and features that inspire attraction obviously between them, but shows the reader how the main character sees the other character.
It’s interesting to see the scores rise and rise on both sides, at first I wasn’t sure the genders of the characters, but soon came to light, and I love that its a femslash piece! slowly I saw the main characters scores rising the higher of the two, and I was getting this feeling that the other woman may not feel the love the same from them. This game that she's been playing from the start, maybe she's the only one playing, but then the co worker loses his job and his fiance leaves him and that's interesting that she had something to do with it.
I didn’t see the ending coming, but honestly, does anyone see something like that coming?
Overall I was completely amazed and I really enjoyed this piece. You brought so many elements together and knowing the challenge this was written for you did such an amazing job!
Thank you for sharing this piece with the world, it was beautiful in all it’s gothic romantic glory.
xx
Hey Sam :)
Just thought I’d check in on some of my (hopefully) future competition in Kevin’s KO Challenge :P
The concept for this piece is really really cool! The scoreboard idea is so neat and breaks up each “point” in their relationship so cleanly and defines who is winning at what time based on their actions, I love it! I think it’s also quite telling that the first few scenes are much longer in terms of descriptions and dialogue, whereas towards the end they trend to one or two sentences maximum. I’m not sure *what* it’s telling, but it’s telling… something. :P The variable amounts of points being added is interesting too; I’m curious to know whether or not there was a method to the numbers or if you just knew that a certain person had to be “winning” by a margin over the other. The increased distance of the numbers between some of the snapshots also shows the passage of time well -- we see that they’ve been together for some time now, like when it skips from 131 to 157, etc, and how that’s changed their relationship dynamic clearly.
Not going to lie, I was 100% shocked by the turn of events at score 295 to 300, I swear! I know this is a dysfunctional relationship prompt, but like, I thought it was going to be more like, “oh I gave you all this stuff, now I’m going to peace out, byeeee” but here we are with a murder instead. [insert shrug emoji] My real question is what else is going on with our narrator and in her mind that drove her to first seek out this woman to be her romantic partner, and then to coldly kill her and sit there comforting her brother about it but using it to her advantage is definitely like,,, sickening. Your descriptions are ALL ON POINT in this fic, by the way! Honestly this is a fic that will probably fuck me up for a while after reading it [insert sweat smile emoji] so that’s a high honor.
Great job with this, I’m excited for the results to come out and hope you advance to the next round!
~Madi
Hiya Sam! Here to spread some holiday cheer with a review <3
so I was gonna livereview this like I did all the other stories, but honestly from the first sentence, you had me so hooked that i could not be arsed to switch between tabs to write up the review as i went because holy crap what a story. It draws you in, makes you wonder how the scorebord is made up and what makes the tally’s go up and down. It’s dark, twisted, it’s a game that never ends and is dangerous for all involved. There is action, danger, seduction, love, hate, fear, revenge, all wrapped in one package, yet one never overpowers the others. it’s subtle, yet prominent, like it’s a dance over and over and over again and god I’m so in awe of your talent because this is so good? I wish i could write like this because this is just pure amazingness and I can’t do anything else but bow for you. Damn girl.
Hello, Sam! I'm here for your wishlist! Happy holidays!
Oh, my Merlin! I was so not expecting this... I mean, I knew from the advisories that this had to take a dark turn, but I wasn't expecting this way... and I'm not sure how to comment on it... expect saying that this was such incredible writing! I was so caught into the story, constantly holding my breath... well, not constantly... there were moments when I was actually believing it, when they seemed to be truly happy, in love, so cute and sweet... I knew it was destined to change, but I let myself be lulled in the illusion for a little while.
The scoreboard was so effective. Haunting in some ways. The style of the story in general was brilliant and worked so well. The tone, the pace, the tension... everything was perfectly dosed and executed... I just have no words, it's such powerful storytelling.
And now I'm so sad... :(
I'm sorry this review is so inconclusive... just know that you did a stunning job with this! You are an incredibly talented writer!
Huge snowball hug to you, my dear!
Happy holidays again,
Chiara
Author's Response:Thank you so much! This review (and nomination) was a lovely surprise, and I'm glad you liked it so much! I know dark fics aren't your favorite (hence why I skipped your review thread for this one), so the fact that you still liked it is reanice to hear. Thanks again!
Wow, I have so many thoughts about this I'm not sure I'll even be able to articulate them all properly.
First and foremost, I really like the theme of keeping score, and more generally, the theme of power and control in a relationship. It's a thing I think happens a lot, though people don't like to admit it. I admit to having had similar thoughts myself in a much less mature and secure phase of my life (keeping score, not killing my partner, just want to be clear about that). There's a pervasive cultural feeling - sometimes overtly expressed, sometimes not - that you don't want to be the person who is more attached, because that means you have no power and you're more likely to be hurt. The person who is more powerful is the one who is more aloof. It's the entire basis for the practice of game-playing in relationship, and dating advice like you'd find in The Rules.
That theme alone served to make this a dysfunctional relationship, especially because there are hints throughout the story that both these people are playing the game, though we can't really ever know what person B is thinking (and in that way we the reader are at a disadvantage just like person A!) But you definitely took it to the next level with the murder, and clearly person A has a lot more going on with her than the socially ingrained practice of playing hard to get. Whether her issue arises from a mental illness affecting her perceptions of reality or whether she is simply abusive and narcissistic remains a mystery.
You asked about my impressions of the characters and whether they changed. At first person B presents as cold, aloof, a little arrogant, and it seems like she might be playing the game. I was pleasantly surprised to watch as she turns into someone who seems to be genuinely invested in this relationship and in love with A, though it seems she is also capable of throwing barbs at inappropriate moments ("Who let you loose in a Hallmark store?") and it's unclear whether she is doing so to be dismissive on purpose or whether they are just misguided attempts at banter.
Then I go back to seeing B as being someone who is cold and calculating, when she makes the comment about having destroyed her coworker. I admit when I read that section, the first assumption I made was that B slept with her coworker's fiancee to destroy their relationship. It occurred to me later that "I destroyed him" could simply mean that B did something else, even something perhaps as ethically justified as revealing to coworker's fiancee that coworker himself was cheating with someone. But it seemed to me (maybe I'm wrong here?) that A assumes the worst, as I did as the reader, and this is where we see A really start to go downhill in her dark, obsessive, spiraling thoughts.
Up to this point, A has seemed immature, naive, pining, perhaps a product of the social ideology I mentioned earlier. As the reader, I sort of cheer for A in the beginning when she begins to see that B seems to have formed a genuine attachment to her. I feel very bad for her when B disparages the gift A gives her later on. But in the light of A's conscious choice to murder her lover, it calls everything that came before it into doubt, and I have to wonder how much of B's behavior is being warped by A's perspective, and how many of these slights are figments of A's imagination. In this way, A is a pretty unreliable narrator, though at the same time I don't doubt that A's thoughts being narrated here are all genuine. A 100% sees herself as a victim here.
The end is interesting, and I wonder whether this pattern continues until B's score is once again higher than A's, or whether A ultimately concludes that they are now "even."
This is a really great submission for the dysfunctional relationship prompt!
Melanie
Sam!
I'm here for some holiday gifting!
I don't know where to start with this story because it's amazing. I thought you've done such a good job at creating atmosphere within this piece. I thought the whole piece was electric, I was honestly so gripped by it! It was wonderful that we don't really know anything about these two characters e.g. names/appearance/background but there is anything you need to know. It's an excellent psychological insight into these two characters. the use of the i/you narrative is so effective and gives it these personal tone which is almost creepy.
I thought the imagery was just fantastic 'The cold November air claws at you, but you are a mountain, immovable and indifferent.' You can tell just as much as the character narrating as the character being described in these moment. I love the continued use of the scoreboard between the two characters and how it structures the piece. It really adds to that feeling control dynamic between the two. I love how dangerous the whole thing feels which is just why this piece was so compelling.
Both of these people seem so messed up but the killing of the character B goes beyond anything ever before. I think the way you address the motives behind the characters thoughts was impressive. It was so effective how you were able to show the emotions or maybe lack of emotions throughout the whole piece. This obsession for the character. I thought the scoreboard ending was a fitting and poignant ending.
good luck with the challenge because this is a masterpiece in my book.
Abbi x
Hi Sam! It's been way too long until I read your beautiful writing!
I don't even know where to begin with this story. I loved it so much! I loved the way it kept me guessing, and the darkness of it. It left me completely shook! This struggle for power was so dangerous (but, like, amazing to read?), and I probably should have guessed where it was going, but I didn't! I thought this was going to be a story about a woman who is attractive and who knows it, and uses that to get what she wants. What I got instead were two strong personalities fighting for dominance, and only one could win. But I don't even think it was a fight You even knew was happening? Somehow, I think she was just herself (but eventually saw the danger) and Me was twisting that to make sure she was the one on top. I'm just kind of repeating the story back to you, and I'm sorry :P But this is the kind of story I need to talk about, because there's just so much to unravel!
I love the way the scoreboard was written, and it really should have been a warning sign from the beginning, because who keeps a scoreboard in a relationship? It was toxic from the start, but it gave us a really good insight into how Me felt after certain events, and how she saw the balance of power shifting. I thought it was a really clever idea. And then the way you wrote it in the end! Like, even in death, Me was using You to feed off power, relishing in all the attention, but eventually she still feels her power slipping, and then when they're even... Like what was the point of it all? But then there's the fact that You still had so much power even dead, which again comes down to Me's manipulation, I think, since Me was twisting everything You did to turn it into a power struggle. Ahh, it's just so good and dark!
Anyway, absolutely loved this, and it'll be in my mind for a long time to come, I think!
Hey Sam! I’m here with your requested review from the forums.
So, you asked about my opinions of the characters and how they change over time. My first thought about the character that the piece is narrated to, is that she’s quite mysterious, is are definitely attractive and she knows it, maybe a little vain, but even from the beginning the narrator’s attraction to this woman seems so consuming. The primary mood I’m getting here is “sexy danger” XD Idk why I’m also getting vampire vibes but I can’t decide which character I’m getting that impression from. XD
…I meant to keep reviewing as I read but I got so absorbed in the story that I forgot to keep track of my impressions as I went along. (appropriate considering the nature of this story?) Anyway, this story did not go where I thought it would. I mean, I don’t know where I thought it would go, but not there, hah. No one turned out to be a vampire. And I can’t tell which character was ultimately more dangerous; they both kind of brought out the worst in each other. The narrator (who I will call Person A) did ultimately kill the other person (B), but person B also “destroyed” that coworker and it’s unclear what exactly she did to make all these events fall into place. But I think it’s the complete lack of emotion showed by person A that makes her such a chilling narrator, and that extends throughout the entire piece, whereas person B has moments of showing the true self behind her mask.
Of course, this scorekeeping mindset that threads through their entire relationship is all kinds of messed up, and their relationship is about nothing more than power and control. It definitely is that way in the mind of Person A, at least; in her perspective through out the entire piece, she’s trying just to get one step ahead, to “win” the relationship. And it’s less obvious with person B because we’re not in her head, but things like the last minute cancellations and the emotional distance kind of hint at her own way to maintain control too.
There are moments of true emotion – like when person B admits that she thinks she loves the narrator, and in her own way, I think she really does – but I think these are the most dangerous moments of all because rather than be vulnerable, person A uses that as a moment to establish control, and the emotional moments that would be so treasured in a different sort of relationship end up feeding into to the dysfunction of this one. The narrator never loves person B, it’s just an obsession. The narrator’s lack of emotion is so twisted that ultimately it’s because person B loves her, actually sees her for who she is, that the narrator can’t take, and the perceived lack of control she has there is what drives her to kill person B. It’s so messed up but makes for such a fascinating read.
I really like this line: The more our eyes skirt around the truths of each other, the more I suspect that one of us is looking into a mirror, and I become less certain which of us that is. – I think this sums up the entire story, and what I’ve been getting at in this review so far. Maybe in different circumstances, different relationships, these two people would be fine, but they’re too similar in the wrong ways, creating this sort of positive-feedback loop where they just become increasingly more manipulative and destructive.
As if the main relationship in this story wasn’t desctructive enough, that end part where Person A “consoles” the brother of Person B is so messed up ugh so disturbing but such good writing. I really like where you ended it, though. After all that, they both lost. (of course- how else could it have turned out?) But there’s nothing else the narrator can do except for think about her.
Anyway, I think what changed the most about my perceptions of the characters during this piece was which was the more dangerous one? It fluctuated throughout the story, because they seem to mirror each other so much. Looking back now at the title, I think that in the beginning scene, the flame was person B and the moth was person A, but by the end, it was vice versa, and only after reading the whole story do I realize how clever the title is. The perception that did not change at any point during the story was that both characters are messed up and the relationship is so dysfunctional and abusive and they should have stayed away from one another hah.
This review is all over the place haha I can’t seem to get my thoughts in any cohesive way. Here’s something a little more concrete - typo patrol:
“A stunning gift for a stunning woman.” I kiss her hand in veneration before linking the bracelet around her wrist – here you slipped out of 2nd person narration, “her hand/wrist” should be “your hand/wrist”
This was such a good dark fic. I loved the way you twisted things around so much and delved into this messed up relationship, as difficult as this topic can be to read. Thanks for requesting! Your writing is wonderful as ever.
Author's Response:AHHHH THANKYOU THANKYOU THANKYOU
(I may have been veryyyyy eagerly awaiting feedback on this)
“Sexy danger” is very much what I was going for
Omg the fact that you got so consumed while reading is an A+ compliment I am not going to complain!
“And I can’t tell which character was ultimately more dangerous; they both kind of brought out the worst in each other” yesssss I am so glad you thought this. When I started, the “you” character was going to be kind of innocent and idealized in the speaker’s mind, but the more I got into the story the more fascinated I became with her ability to be potentially more twisted than the speaker. I wasn’t sure how much that would come across because she’s portrayed in more of a victim position and we don’t see her thoughts and motivations, so I’m
I’m really glad you talk about whether or not you think the characters love each other. I have a lot of thoughts about that, not all of which are directly expressed in the story.
Oh, I’m glad you like the mirror line. I thought it was a little clunky and thought about deleting it, so I’m glad it was worth keeping
AHHH and I love so much that you got what I was going for about who is the moth and who is the flame!! The title for the story didn’t actually come until after I had pretty much finished writing it. I spent soo much time making a playlist for this (exuding that sexy danger vibe you mentioned), and knew one way or another I had to pay homage to one of the songs on it in my title (oh, and the Melody Gardot song I reference playing when they meet is the first song on theplaylist, Your Heart Is As Black As Night). Before I settled on this title, I was working with “How To Twist You” by Halestorm’s I Get Off, but I couldn’t resist the double meaning of The Moth and The Flame.
Ooh, thank you for the typo catch!
This review made my day so hard, thank you a million!
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