FanficTalk Archive
Unleash Your Fandom
(for the Winter in Fairyland review event)
Hi, Jo.
This is another fine chapter, althought in this chapter I did have to count the lines a few time (George, Angelina, George, Angelina...) to keep track of who was speaking because their statements are more culturally similar, whereas in Chapter One the statements of the young witch and the old Muggle lady were sufficiently distinct that I never had to count.
Now we know why the flying car filled with jokesters was in the neighborhood.
It is interesting that you have Angelina say that the Obliviation investigation process is stressful because the Muggles are upset by what they have witnessed, and the interrogation upsets them even more. I guess not all of them, since Mrs. Hamilton seemed to take it all in stride. She mentioned three male relatives -- Simon, who watches crime shows on TV, Ernie, who helps her with her insurance, and David, her thirty-year-old grandson. If she lives alone, as Angelina believes, then Simon and Ernie may be her sons whom she doesn't see every day. But a sociable person like her may have more frequent social contacts than Angelina is aware of. Nevertheless, it's good of Angelina to care about the people she meets in her business, including Mrs. Hamilton.
So now George has expanded his social circle to include the old lady who is Ginny's neighbor. That's sweet! One can never have too many friends.
A nice chapter. :)
Vicki
Author's Response:Vicki,
thank you for stopping by again for another chapter!
I appreciate your remarks about Danielle's social life. It's true that she might not be as lonely, or that there'd have to be a reason she is with her personality. This is surely one of the times when writing a character who's different from oneself you can lose sight of what they are really like and slip into stereotypes. Now that I think back to my own grandmother, she always used to have friends to visit no matter where she lived or how old she became. Thank you for the reminder to always check my stereotypes!
Love,
Jo
(for the Winter in Fairyland review event)
Hi, Jo.
I'm here to review one of your stories for the annual review event. This is a fun little story, gentle, with subtle humor and likable characters.
Mrs. Hamilton, or Danielle, as she prefers to be called, is such a cheery person. Her preference for being addressed by her first name shows that she is not formal or stand-offish; everyone she meets is a potential friend. I would be glad to have her as a next-door neighbor. I'll bether garden looks beautiful too. After I head read the entire story twice, shich didn't take long, it was plain that the visiting Obliviator is Angelina Weasley.
You have sprinkled so many clues into the dialogue that it is fun to pick them all out. The flying car, four to five young men, about thirty years of age, two of them red-headed, one of them momentarily in the form of a canary, the mention of a stag party, and then the sudden disappearance of the whole lot. The reader can envision this crazy scene as Mrs. Hamilton describes it in such a matter-of-fact way.
My favorite lines are when Angelina says, "Please don't worry about it, Danielle. I know you're not crazy," and Mrs. Hamilton says with gentle humor, "Then it's good that at least one of us does." Perhaps in her lifetime (with a grandson in his thirties, she is probably in her seventies or eighties) she's seen enough unususal stuff that nothing upsets her anymore.
In a dialogue-only story, it's a challenge to depict the scene clearly in a few words without its sounding forced, but you achieve it easily. By the spoken lines we know we are first at the door of a private home, then walking into the kitchen, sitting down, and enjoying tea and biscuits. At the end of the story we realize that Angelina is standing up, and finally taking leave of Mrs. Hamilton at the front door.
Interactions between Muggles and wizards/witches are a good source of humor because of the incomplete knowledge and understanding that each group has about the other. I enjoyed this charming story. Thank you for writing.
Vicki
Author's Response:Vicki!
Thank you for stopping by to review. I'm impressed with your analytic style of going through the story and pick up on so many technical details! I'm not very good at that, so this is a very welcome new perspective <3
At first I thought you meant you'd identified Angelina after a second read of this chapter and I was beyond surprised, I didn't think that was possible from the info given in this chapter, but I realise my mistake now. It's still reassuring that you didn't have any difficulties recognizing the characters.
Thank you for taking the time to leave such a detailed and in depth review!
Love,
Jo
After the two last chapters being different and setting, I am glad that it was quickly established in this one that we are with Mrs. Hamilton.
Oh one thing I didn’t mention in my last review was a bit of confusion about Mrs. Hamilton‘s husband. I thought chapter 1 said he was around but not home, but chapter two Angelina made it sound like she was very lonely and didn’t have anyone living with her. So I’m not sure if I misunderstood that or if there was an inconsistency.
Oh it’s sweet how she takes care of and talks to her plants. I like how she compares herself to the plants. It may be a symptom of her loneliness but it’s sweet all the same.
Oh, and we have George visiting Mrs. Hamilton again. It seems like it’s a weekly thing for them, which is nice, especially because it means her memory is not being consistently raised. Because Angelina is the obliviator, I expected her to be in this chapter more, so I’m curious to see if she shows up to.
AWW, and Little James is here!
There is a typo or some odd code at the end of “and who is this sweetheart you have with you today?”
I like that George is on a first name basis with Mrs. Hamilton, especially after she had to keep reminding Angelina to call her Danielle in the first chapter.
George seems much more respectful and mature in his exchange with Mrs. Hamilton then he was in his banter with Angelina and chapter 2, but the way he teases a James here brings out some of his George-like personality.
OMG, George, Madonna is not generation specific! I mean, I know it’s Muggle music, but have some standards, George!
Tea is also one of my favorite drinks, but I have a sense to drink it iced in the summer. Is that not part of the British tradition?
omg, I love George trying to sound like he knows what muggle technology is and saying blue teeth. Who did what to Mrs. Hamilton’s TV? Ha ha, I guess it works out that she’s old?? She doesn’t even seem to realize that George knows less than her.
Oh, between Mrs. Hamilton and George I wasn’t prepared for the feelings of loss to be coming from George, though of course I should have been.
This was a really sweet chapter, and I liked all of the kind of moments between George and Mrs. Hamilton. I kept waiting for Angelina to show up and felt like this was an unbalanced end to the story, but I only just double checked and realize that this is a WIP. I really like this story and the characters and I hope you continue it.
(I’ve tried to check my review for weird errors, but if I missed anything blame my phone’s voice to text)
This chapter was a bit confusing at the start. I expected it to follow the same structure of the Obliviator visiting Mrs Hamilton, but we got two people living together. I thought maybe Mrs Hamilton and her husband, but wasn’t sure. I finally got that it was George and Angelina with pizza a la Georgio, but it took me quite a bit longer to figure out the context that Angelina was the obliviator. I assumed that the obliviator would’ve come from somewhere further away, and perhaps Angelina and Mrs. Hamilton talked before that. In addition to this being a really hard job to have, it must be extra hard to perform it on your neighbors.
The ongoing gag of George’s intense feelings for pizza just keeps getting funnier.
Overall this chapter is sweet and fun, and the banter between George and Anggelina is really charming. But that part in the middle where Angelina is getting really down about her work is also powerful. I definitely feel that the practice of obliviating muggles is cruel to them (not to mention a prejudice based use of power), and I can’t blame Angelina for feeling how she does. George doesn’t totally get it, but he wants to reassure his wife and that’s sweet.
Ohh, now George is visiting at the end? That’s unexpected. I’m curious to see where the next chapter goes.
Oooh, this story is really fun. Dialogue only stories are always a treat, but sometimes tricky to pull off. I think in this case it was a really solid choice for the story, because having no narration contributes to the sense of disorientation of our sometimes confused muggle main character.
Haha, I like how he just straight up introduces himself as an Obliviator. I suppose it doesn’t make a difference, since she won’t remember anyway. It also plays into the wizard trope of not being good at blending in with muggle expectations. In this case, the obliviator has a decent reason not to bother.
They both seem like quite sweet and polite people. Their interactions are precious. I think you tagged this as friendship, but honestly, I could see myself shipping it. I can’t help but wonder if this is the first time they’ve met, or if similar encounters have happened many times already.
Ah, the obliviator is a girl. I did realize earlier that I may be assuming the obliviator’s gender incorrectly. (I still ship it)
Honestly, I’d be suspicious if a cable repair person was this insistent about getting information out of me.
Haha, the thought that she should’ve taken down insurance info for a car on a shed roof XD
Omg, I thought deer dinner was going to be a misunderstanding of a wizard term, but it’s stag night. She is a little out of touch and I love her.
I hope the cable actually got fixed...
Hiya Jo! :)
First of all I want to say congratulations on placing third in Lost Muse's The Muggle Challenge! Also, congrats on writing this whole thing in purely dialogue! That's a feat unto itself and the fact you did it in combination with the other challenge is fantastic. It's a Fred and Angelina and a nice Muggle lady named Danielle Hamilton story, yay! The emotional rollercoaster you put us through in these three chapters is a lot. First, you've got us feeling all upset at Angelina having to Obliviate poor Mrs. Hamilton because it's her job and she has to erase the memory of the stag night accidental parking on her shed. And then Angelina is feeling all guilty about having to do it because she knows that George was there that night (right?) so then George decides he's going to go visit this woman by himself (or with little James Sirius) every week to keep her in good spirits and so Angelina doesn't feel so bad about her job. Honestly, I just love how you've portrayed their relationship here because it's so pure and strong and good, and of course with the requisite shenanigans from George! The mention of Fred though, ugh that just broke my heart!!
As a whole, I quite enjoyed this piece. The uniqueness of writing only in dialogue really exhibits your skill with writing and being able to still set the scene at the same time! Great job, Jo! :)
~MadiMalfoy x
(Magical Menagerie 3: Team Wolpertinger)
Hi Jo!
I'm here for the Magical Menagerie and BvY, and also because this sounded really interesting. So, here we go!
I really enjoyed that you wrote this in all dialogue. I think it can be hard to write dialogue only stories that feel grounded and that have momentum, but you made it look effortless. Having Mrs. Hamilton lead the Obliviator through the house and serve her tea, and articulating all of it, was really smart. I could picture the whole scene despite there being not a shred of narration or description.
This was so charming and funny, too! Mrs. Hamilton seems lovely, and all her asides and moments of confusion were endearing and sweet and funny. The "deer dinner" HAHAHA. And it's great that she assumes he's the cable guy. They do always appear at the most random times, so I can't fault her for that. Also, I love that she calls them boys, but they're actually adults. It's all relative =P
I love that two of the boys had orange hair and suddenly of course I know it's Fred and George. Or... well, maybe it isn't? Because they weren't well respected yet when Fred was still alive. ANYWAY THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE LIGHT READING LET'S CHANGE THE SUBJECT
Despite being short, this chapter shows a lot of skill and was also extremely fun to read. I really need to try to come back and read the rest of this fic.
xoxo Renee
Hi again! RvG and Magical Menagerie.
Aw, this was an adorable chapter! You managed to pack so much into this chapter and I was really impressed with it. Mrs Hamilton is so, so sweet; I don't feel like we get many Muggle OCs unless they're love interests of (usually next generation) characters, so it's really lovely to see a relationship with someone who's just a neighbour.
Mrs Hamilton asking whether it was Monday already made me smile so much! The last chapter happened just after Harry and Ginny's wedding, and here they already have two children, so George has been coming to visit regularly for a while now. It's so sweet that he'd take it upon himself to do that and keep going to see her every week so she has some company. Even though we didn't have much description of James in this, I loved the idea of him taking his nephew along to visit as well, so Mrs Hamilton gets to see some kids running around and dancing.
George battling with the Muggle technology and cultural references made me laugh so much, as well! I loved Danielle teasing him about the fact he should definitely know Madonna and Friends because they were both from his generation, and he's just got no idea - and then, of course, the way that neither of them can work out the speakers (blue teeth and green teeth really had me giggling).
The moment at the end, when Danielle repeated something that Fred had once said to George and he's hit by a wave of grief - there was something really poignant and touching about that. George is obviously still struggling with his grief (does a pain like that ever really go away? I think it only gets easier to deal with) but the fact that he trusts and knows Danielle well enough to confide his loss to her is really special. I loved the advice she gave him, too.
Sian :)
Author's Response:Hi Sian.
It's really interesting to read what you got from this story, because it's sort of you (re)telling me my story, because with the dialogue only format I didn't give you much info.
In this chapter I tried to show James' accitdential magic turning the music back on each time, even when it was unplugged, but so far nobody interpreted it that way. (I'm guessing because George was simultaneously trying to cover it up for Danielle…) This is such valuable feedback for me, I hope I'll be able to pull this kind of thing off at some point.
Thank you for leaving a review!
Love,
Jo
Hello again! Here for RvG and the Magical Menagerie!
The dialogue format of this story worked really well in this chapter, especially with the canon characters in this. I loved the way that you managed to tie all of this story together from the introduction that we got in the first chapter, and bring in characters that we know to help tie this story into canon.
You capture the characters so well in this! It was easy to tell that it was George speaking really early on in this chapter - he's such a bundle of energy. I feel like I'd probably find it exhausting being with him, but the dialogue in this chapter was brilliant; I loved the dynamic between George and Angelina and the way that they balance each other out.
I am definitely judging George's pizza choices in this. The start of the menu sounded fine, but it got progressively worse throughout.
And Angelina was the Obliviator that we saw in the first chapter, and the eponymous character! I really like the idea of her working as an Obliviator, and it's a really original job choice for her - I've never seen that in a fic before. I liked the way that George acknowledge how good she was at her job and how hard it must have been for her, but even so I'm glad that he took on board her comments about how bad she felt having to alter Mrs Hamilton's memory, and the fact that she doesn't seem to get any visitors.
The ending was really sweet! I love the fact that George has taken it upon himself to find a way to visit Mrs Hamilton naturally and give her some company so that Angelina feels a bit better about the work she had to do. I'm looking forward to the next chapter!
Sian :)
Author's Response:Hi Sian,
I'm glad some of your questions were answered and that the format worked better with canon characters. It's logical, since we know them already.
And, yeah, it's disgusting. Nobody should eat that.
Love,
Jo
Hi Jo! Here for RvG and the Magical Menagerie.
This was a really interesting start to your story! I have to admit, I've never really thought much about what Obliviators do before - the job kind of lurks in the background of the HP series as a threat, and we only get a glimpse or two of them in the books; I'm really intrigued to see what you make of the job in this story. Your Obliviator character is a little shrouded in mystery here, as we never even get to know their name in this chapter, but I really liked the spin that you put on the job. She's definitely someone who's approaching the situation in a kind, thoughtful way - someone who seems really good at her job, to be honest. I'm looking forward to finding out more about her in the future of this story.
The format of this was really unusual, too - it took me a little time to get used to the dialogue without quotations or tags, but I think it worked once I figured out who was speaking, and it certainly stood out as something unusual and different.
There was something quite sympathetic here about the Obliviator and the way that she treated Mrs Hamilton. I felt quite sorry for Mrs Hamilton but I loved the way that the story spilled out, with the canary and the car parked on the roof of the shed and all the men emerging from it. I'm so intrigued about whose stag party it was (Harry's?) and what the repercussions might be. I hope we get to learn more about that in the next chapter!
Sian :)
Author's Response:Hi Sian,
I'm two years late, but I hope late is better than never.
So… I'm glad you enjoyed reading Obliviator and I'm glad I managed to touch on something you hadn't given much thought before.
It didn't even occur to me while writing, that the format might be hard to read so I'm glad for your feedback. I'll try to consider my reader's POV more next time. Incidentally I'm trying my hand at a chatfic right now, so I've got oportunity to imporve.
It was Harry's stag party :) I'm so happy you picked up on that. In my mind, they won't face repercussions from the ministry. It's Harry Potter and he's getting married and did I mention it's really Harry Potter, and he looked at me … and so on. I imagine that after the war his fame is much more accute and intense than it already is in the books.
Thank you for leaving a review, Sian!
Love,
Jo
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 04/14/2017
Hello!
So, I'm here for capture the flag!
I really liked this little scene, it worked so well! It was an interesting format with just the dialogue but I thought it really worked. I was wondered how Obliviators went about approaching muggles about their wizard sightings as it must be a bit tricky for them really. I think its a nice little concept for a story, something a bit different though so well done your creative mind for creating this!
I really like your characterization of your character, Mrs Hamilton. She felt quite realistically like she could be anyones slightly nosey neighbour but she was quite likeable too. I love how British it is to just offer someone a cup of tea whatever you're at someone's house. I do it to all my guests too! The Obliviator is lucky that Mrs Hamilton is such a good hostess!
I really wonder what the wizards were doing in her garden as you said they got the wrong house but I would love to know what they were up to. I love the idea of wizarding stag parties, there is a story there but I don't know where you're going with this yet but it really does make rather interested. I'm assuming the ginger haired boys were weasleys who else!
I thought the ending reminded me of men in black with their clicker in that! Xo
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Reviews for Hope by Jo Raskoph
Available online at http://www.harrypotterfanfiction.com/viewstory.php?psid=337134
Author's Response:Hi Abbie, thank you for this review - I hope you can forgive that it took almost two years to reply.
I'm happy Mrs. Hamilton resonated with you and that she is realistic as a british old lady—that's always good to know as someone from another country. And I wholeheartedly agree that Angelina (and George) are very lucky to have met Danielle.
It was really difficult to tell the story of the stag party through only dialogue and through someone's words who didn't know the people involved. I'm not sure how much I succeeded - the responses are mixed as far as I can tell. My idea was for it to be Harry's stag night, with naturally a bunch of Weasleys in attendance. The flying car might have been a new project of Arthur's :)
The ending, the whole idea of this story, does seem men in black like - maybe I was inspired by the clicker somehow, I don't know.
Thanks again, for reviewing.
Love, Jo
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 06/23/2016
Hey! Lost Muse here with your challenge review.
I absolutely loved this. You have a strong entry here. I really enjoy the unique writing style though it takes a bit getting the hang of. Your portrayal of Mrs Hamilton, George and Angelina is all lovely. I really like how they've all become friends. The entire premise of this story is very good and interesting and I'm excited to see where things proceed. Had a great time reading this!
Love
Angie
Author's Response:Hi Angie, thank you for leaving a review :) I'm sorry I'm replying so very late.
I was very happy to find out you liked my entry - it wasn't written for your chalkenge but as you say, the topic ended up fitting your theme very well.
I'm ashamed to note that despite years having passed since your review, I haven't added to the story. I'll try to get to it.
Love, Jo
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 05/11/2016
I've been meaning to leave this review for you since I first read the chapter so excuse my slowness. First of all, in the story summary I noticed ""Being the next-door neighbor of a living legend does have its disadvantages"" but I think if we are being perfectly honest here, Danielle is the real living legend. Now that's cleared up, on to the review!
""Now let’s get some water, the Asteraceae look frightful today"" I can't tell you exactly why this line is my favorite but it's probably because I'm a big old nerd that loves the proper taxonomic names. Danielle is just my absolute favorite character and I picture her just walking around holding a conversation with all of her flowers like it's completely normal.
Sweet shy little baby James just melts my heart. Almost as much as sweet understanding Danielle. Not all old people are like that. Some get high and mighty about children being shy (ie. my relatives).
George not recognizing Madonna is hilarious. Not to mention Friends! Though truth be told, I've never watched the show either, but I at least recognize the references! The wizarding world is too sheltered! If they are going to survive they need to adapt and blend!
Being stuck in my American mindset when he said it was 30 degrees I thought fahrenheit and I was so confused! Like yeah, it's freezing! Grab some tea! But then I realized that was celsius (like the rest of the world) and that would be miserable tea weather. I could really go for some chocolatey chocolate cake right about now. Even some tea even though it's got to be close to 30 degrees here. Celsius. Not the dumb system I'm stuck with. Do I sound bitter? I'm bitter.
I think you've just done such a wonderful job creating such a dynamic, interesting relationship between George and Danielle. They really complement each other and they are so entertaining to read. She's the epitome of sass. I love every single line she has. Oh my god, the blue teeth. Between his lack of muggle knowledge and her age, they are beyond hilarious.
Are you trying to break my heart with the whole ""take a joke thing""? Because you're seriously breaking my heart. I want it to get better for him because no one should have to carry that kind of pain around. Especially not anyone so lovely. I hope he finds some sort of peace. As usual, I can't wait for the next chapter! It's bound to be wonderful!
Author's Response:Hello Paula,
your reviews are a true joy! I'm sorry it took me so looooong to respond!You might be onto something with your observation about Danielle and the real living legend. This is the first character I ever felt started to come "alive" and make their own decisions - it's an awesome feeling.
It's awesome you liked the Asteraceae line, but to be honest I mostly used the latin taxonomy because I find it really hard to find translations for plants - the common names are seldom listed in dictionaries…
It was a really fun moment writing the reverences to pop culture scene, because it made me realise how out of touch the wizards really are - they missed all the things. Everything… They'd be so lost in the real world (JKR did allude to this with the wizard in the flowery nightgown in Goblet of Fire).
Oh, now that you mention it you do sound a little bit bitter.
I really want to write a next chapter, reading this, but I feel this is sort of done or almost done … we'll see.
Thank you for leaving this awesome review!
Love,
Jo
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 04/28/2016
Interesting first chapter. Got to say this dialogue writing is pretty fun even if it takes me a second to sort out the characters as I read.
Author's Response:Thank you, leeloo, for taking the time to drop me a line!
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 04/25/2016
Hey Jo!
I thought I'd come over and leave you a review, just as a little thank you for your help with my icon size issue. You're such a gem! Anyway, I thought I'd dash over and check out your AP, and let me tell you, I thoroughly enjoyed this. What a cute idea! Mrs. Hamilton--sorry, Danielle--was so funny! I mean, the best thing is how calm she was about everything. Like, ""Well, I thought I saw a car on the roof. And a giant canary. But I'm sure there's a logical explanation. Old eyes, you know."" I always imagine Muggles being freaked out or launching into conspiracy theories when they see magic. But this was so much more amusing and, really, just as likely. Danielle is chill about it. It's fine. These mistakes happen. She's not even really worried. That's the best part! She just sounds like this delightful old lady who's maybe a little dotty, but is actually telling the truth. You wrote her so well.
Like, the insisting on tea and biscuits, saying that her son is always telling her to write down the details for insurance purposes--she sounds so wonderfully grandmotherly!
I also like what you've done here with the Obliviator. Starting with ""Who is it?"" ""Your Obliviator"". They don't even lie in the beginning! I guess they're about to erase the memory anyway, so what's the point? I'd love to see how that would go down at another house. Say, the Dursleys. ""I don't *have* an Obliviator! I don't know what you're about, but we're not buying whatever it is you're selling. Get off my property!""
But, besides the comedic value, it also gives some insight. I mean, I always think of Obliviators as the Big Bad, but really here, they're helping her. Danielle is clearly getting on in years, and if her son heard her talking about these kinds of things, he'd probably think she was losing it! She could be hospitalized. Or maybe they would put her on dementia meds she didn't need. Something like that. For once, I see the Obliviators as not just serving the Wizarding community's interest, but also truly helping a Muggle. Danielle wasn't scared or even terribly perturbed, but here I can see it may well be for the best if she forgets this incident.
So, yes, this chapter was wonderfully amusing, but it also made the Obliviators seem more kindly than I usually perceive them.
CC:
It got out of the car with the boys and one of them clapped on its shoulder.
--it might be more correct to say ""and one of them clapped it on its shoulder.""
It might also be good to mention that it was a giant, like, human size canary. Canary creams, I'm guessing? But at first I was picturing a small bird, so it might help to have size described.
You’re wellcome Mrs. Hamilton
--""wellcome"" should be spelled 'welcome""
Thank you again, Jo. I'm so glad that I stopped by to read this. It really made me smile.
Also, Deer Dinner. Oh my gosh. Actual laughing out loud :D
What a delight!
--Penny
Author's Response:Hi Penny,
gosh, just re-reading your review makes me so happy and I feel really bad about leaving the reply this long. I'm sorry! This is such an awesome review! And full of very thoughtful observations and very useful cc (that I finally did work into the story).
I really like that this gave you the feeling the obliviators were not all bad - I don't remember which fic it was, but I read one exploring how you could either take your time about obliviating someone and find out about them to make the memory modification as seamless as possible - or you could sort of just barge in and like blast their memory, leaving them disoriented. I sort of built on that idea, because it makes so much sense. And yes, I do think Danielle would be in trouble if her memory wasn't wiped - not just because of her son, also because she was starting to doubt her own senses and that couldn't be good…
At first I thought about making the story about differtent Muggles the Obliviator encounters, but once I'd written the first chapter Danielle had charmed me and I didn't want to leave her :D
Thank you so much for your review, it's a joy reading it every time I scroll through my reviews!
Love,
Jo
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 04/18/2016
Haha, it gets better and better! You are quite talented at dialogue. I can tell the speaker is George without you even having to say it -- although the pizza a la Georgio did help. :) I suppose that makes the woman Angelina, then. I never really considered what she did for a living. I guess someone in the family has to be a little bit sane.
I'm a little bit confused by the end, though -- do Harry and Ginny live in 12 Grimmauld Place still? I hadn't thought that they stayed there. Of course, you can do whatever you like. I just hadn't realized it (although I probably should have by the description). Anyway, I'm not sure if I should be excited or scared by the fact that George is visiting dear Mrs. Hamilton...
Are you going to tell the whole story in only dialogue? That's pretty cool. I've never seen that done before. How long are you planning on making it?
Again, good job! Your characterization and dialogue are awesome. :)
Author's Response:Hi again Songs,
it's funny that this story worked out as it did, because I was specifically signing up for UnwrittenCurse's challenge because I always found writing dialogue quite difficult. So: Thank you for finding it good.It's amazing that you recognised George :) this makes me very happy! And Angelina, yes, I do think she is the saner one of the two. Not by much though, she certainly relates to George's brand of crazy or she wouldn't be living with him.
Oh, it never occured to me that George's visit might come across as threatening - in my head it was atonement for causing Angelina such an emotional workday.
I'm not sure how long the story is going to be - but if/for as long as I continue it, it will stay all dialogue. It's sort of the story I write when I have a hard time getting anything written and want to do something fun. I did write a sequel set five years later, though, and that's not all dialogue.
Love,
Jo
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 04/18/2016
This is legitimately awesome. I love your Mrs. Hamilton; she's so grandmotherly. It's also cool to see how an Obliviation would look from a Muggle's perspective.
I must ask, though -- who is the canary? I feel as though I should recognize it (him?) from canon, but I'm not sure. Is it Teddy? Also, is the Obliviator anyone from canon, or is she an OC as well? What a life it must be, living in 13 Grimmauld Place. Or what a life it would be, if Mrs. Hamilton could remember any of it. :)
Also, I think it's interesting that you chose not to use any quotation marks. You don't need them, since the entire story is dialogue, but it's not something I would have thought of doing.
Anyway, good job! Mrs. Hamilton is very lovable and the dialogue is very believable and smooth. I don't believe I have any CC for this. :)
~Songs
Author's Response:Hi Songs and thank you for your review!
I'm really sorry about not responding sooner. I read it at the time, though, and I loved receiving your response.
I'm happy to hear the format worked for you - I didn't think about it at the time, Unwritten Curse had posted a few examples of what she wanted for the challenge and I guess the one I read ommited the quotation marks so I did too. It really wasn't a conscious decision.In my mind, the canary was one of the guys from Harry's stag night - so it could have been George, Ron, Seamus, Dean, … anyone you wanted it to be from that era who was likely to be invited.
Thank you for taking the time to review this, I really appreciated it!
Love, Jo
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 04/16/2016
Hi again! It's me. It's always me.
""But how can you resist tomato sauce and cheese? Lots of cheese, and salami, … and pineapple, pickles, mushrooms, … What else?"" I'm not judging or anything...but pickles? ON A PIZZA? That sounds blasphemous.
This is the exact behavior that I would expect from George Weasley. It sounds exhausting being with him, but also super fun and exhilarating. So it's totally worth it.
"" She was just so desperate to have somebody to talk to … so frail and all alone in that huge overstuffed house – it’s full of pictures of her family, but I don’t think any of them ever come to visit …"" YES! Look, you're the same person as me! I totally hate when people act this way towards their elder family members. I just don't understand it. I hate to think of anyone in the world being lonely.
I'm curious if the obliviator is Angelina? Or is it an OC? Or other canon? Until you confirm/deny, I'm going with Angelina.
George and his disgusting pizza is hilarious. Yeah, go ahead and order while you're having a row. You can see where his priorities lie!
""my fearless warrior woman"" these are the kinds of pet names we need in relationships.
That's a phenomenal tagline. I've found your back up thing if dancing gets old. Companies will pay billions. Trillions even!
I love George so much for going and chatting with Mrs. Hamilton. I'm sure he has a million better things to do, but it is very thoughtful of him to take the time out of his busy schedule.
Alright. Where's the next chapter? I don't think I can wait forever! The dialogue was so well written and their relationship is the kind that I think everyone should be envious of. That's such a healthy relationship. I prefer someone you can laugh with instead of all drama all the time. It's meant to be easy. You did such a great job with characterization. THROUGH NOTHING BUT DIALOGUE TOO! That's real skill there.
Author's Response:Ouch, my heart!
So much nice, so very compliments. What are words, to tell you how much I loved receiving your reviews?
I can only repeat: It were your reviews that made me write more of this!
I'm glad I managed to find a kind of pizza that everyone seems to agree is gross (though I did read a menu once after writing this where they listed a pizza with pickles - there might be real George Weasleys out there…) and that you thought Angelina and George worked as a couple. To be honest I have never met a couple who were this relaxed and easygoing with each other, but I really hope they exist.
Thank you, Paula!
Love,
Jo
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 04/16/2016
Hello lovely!
I loved this dialogue! It's definitely one of your strongest skills. The voices are very distinct so it's obvious who is speaking without you having to tell me.
Poor old Mrs. Hamilton. She's a cute OC. She's just kind of losing it, but still apologetic for it and very polite. I like her a lot and hope to see more of her!
""You’re welcome dear. It was nice having someone to talk to."" My little heart. I've taken to talking to older people anytime I get a chance (especially grocery shopping) because I think so many of them get lonely. Their grandkids never visit enough and their kids are always busy. That was near and dear to my heart.
OH MY GOD, I'm laughing so hard. Deer dinner. I mean...close enough, right?
I never really considered what the life of a obliviator must be like until I read this. I think a lot of daily jobs that wizards/witches have probably get over looked, but what a neat perspective! I actually think it would be a job I quite enjoy.
Overall, I loved the story and I can't wait to read more! It was excellently written, like all of your stories! :)
Author's Response:Dear Paula,
I can't believe I haven't responded to this - I even went on HPFF to check that I hadn't replied - your reviews were what gave me the motivation to write the next two chapters of this!Your comment about old people makes me sad now, because my grandma died recently and I wish I'd visited her more. It's awful how we sometimes really only appreciate the things we had enough when we've lost them. When my grandma used to live closer, I was too young to visit her on my own, then she moved away. When she wanted me to call more often, I didn't think I had the time and when she got older I couldn't call her anymore because she forgot what to do with a ringing phone… but that's a whole other story - I just wanted to say, you are so right and please never change!
Thank you for reviewing, Paula.
Love, Jo
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 03/31/2016
Hi there, here for our review swap! Sorry for the delay :)
So I think you did a really great job here. The voices were distinct in my head, though admittedly at first it was a male Obliviator who came to see Mrs. Hamilton. But that has nothing to do with how you wrote it, just the way my mind jumped. It was very helpful when you mentioned ""young girl"", it helped clear the picture up quite a bit.
You had a great voice for Mrs. Hamilton. She sounded just like an old woman, losing a bit of her memory and getting easily distracted. I giggled a lot when the deer dinner turned out to be a stag night XD And bright orange hair, hmm? In their thirties? I wonder if maybe it was a Weasley up to some trouble? ;)
I never really wondered what kind of a job that would be, erasing the memories of muggles who had seen peculiar magical things. Of course she wouldn't seem frightened about the car parked on her shed if she was distracted by the canary.
I don't really have any CC for you. At first I thought maybe to use quotation marks to separate the dialogue, but that's more of a person preference than anything.
Great job, and thanks for the swap! :)
~Jill
Author's Response: Thank you Jill!
I'm sorry you were confused about the Obliviator, when/if I edit the chapter I'll look into making the gender obvious sooner. I'm glad it worked later on, but it's definitely something I overlooked and I'm grateful you pointed it out.
I'm really glad you liked Mrs. Hamilton. She's mostly absent in the second chapter, but is one of the main characters and officially my first OC so I'm really, probably overly, proud you could picture her :)
This topic / the whole story came quite surprisingly out of nowhere for me too. I hope you'll like what I imagined abou Obliviators and their craft.
Thank you as well, just pm me - or tweet - if you want to do another one :)
Jo
Transferred from HPFF
14th April 2017:
Jailbreak for Abbie at CTF Round 2!
Grimmauld Place 13? So Mrs. Hamilton, no, Daniel lived next to Grimmauld Place 12 where Harry Potter lived? Was he going to marry with someone and had the stag party? Were they Harry and Ron with the other old mates? It’s an interesting piece of work written from Muggle old lady’s POV. It sounds funny but these conversations are full of author’s affection to each character. The way how Mrs. Hamilton urged the Obliviator to have biscuits and tea is heartwarming. I could visualize the ordinary Muggle grandmother who lived in London in mind. From the canary and bright orange hair, I imagined there were Weasley clans like George and Ron. I guess George let the canary fly?
The scene was really well written, ‘coz I could imagine how Mrs. Hamilton witnessed the magical car and the wizards with the canary and she was outside to hang up the laundry and I visualized her garden in my mind. It must have some herbs and trees with bushes, which may be different from the other readers’ imagination. The time went by Mrs. Hamilton and the Obliviator calmly and slowly, and I like the pace of your tale.
Your Obliviator is also a kind person. She (I thought it was a wizard first, but I got the Obliviator was a woman from your description later,) did not force the poor Muggle old lady to talk rapidly or didn't let her forget everything she witnessed in haste. You embodied the task done by the Obliviator untold by J.K.Rowling very well. Hahaha, a great start and an end with “here for the cable” and “the cable is working again”.
Author's Response:Thank you so much for your review, Kenny.
You say so many nice things about my characters and the pacing, it's awesome to receive a review like this one! I'm glad you could picture the scene, especially since there's only dialogue to set it.
Thank you for taking the time to write this!
Love, Jo
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