Name: Rumpelstiltskin (Signed) · Date: 18 Dec 2017 10:55 AM · For: Chapter one; Of things to come

Hello!

I love the repetition of Lucy crying, it definitely adds to the overall mood of this story. There are actually a lot of elements that add to the mood at act as symbols in this. The tree's losing their bright leaves to make way for starkness, the cold creeping in, and then a brief reprieve into the warm comforts of the coffee shop. The livelieness of the the cafe and all the bustle therein seems to add to Lucy's pain, like it's mocking her. She's trapped in her own grief as the world continues to move on without her. And crying is definitely a good outlet, a fantastic way to relieve the pent up emotions that we sometimes keep bottled up inside of us. Though Lucy might not cry over boys, it's clear that a girl has broken her heart. It's such a sad little peice outlining Lucy's breakup and it breaks my heart a little. It was written extremely well and I thin you certainly have a way with descriptions and imagery.


Lovely job!


-Rumpels

Name: justawillowtree (Signed) · Date: 16 Dec 2017 07:02 PM · For: Chapter one; Of things to come

I know this is mostly just a set-up chapter, but already I'm just stunned at how wonderfully you described the setting of the cafe. The way you described the autumn and winter air, the way you described the people inside the cafe... It really made for an image of a bustling, very much used place filled with chatter (as well as peace).

 

The repetition of "Lucy Weasley was crying" and "Lucy Weasley cried" was really well done. It really juxtaposed her sadness to the energetic activity surrounding her, and I thought that gave a very strong comparison as to exactly how sad Lucy actually is. I also like the choice to make Lucy bi/gay. (In fact, we should just make everyone bi/gay and be happy!)

 

This was a beautifully written first chapter. It was short and sweet, and I hope to see more of this story soon!