FanficTalk Archive
Unleash Your Fandom
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 02/08/2014
Hey, here from Review Tag!
Glad I'm able to get back to this story :)
Aww, I do like Heath! He's sort of awkward, which is good, but the relationship between him and his flatmate feels very realistic in terms of roommates. I liked how you emphasized the cultural differences; we Americans can be quite over-dramatic, especially after having a drink :)
Seems like Heath and Molly are off to a rough start. I'm sure they'll patch things up when in the presence of beauty like the seven wonders! Normally I'm not a huge fan of sort of zany, over-the-top humor, but I liked how you over-emphasized certain details and made a big fuss about Molly and Heath's first meeting. I think it added a lot of flavor to what could have been a potentially brief and boring scene.
I'm curious to read on later and see what happens! Nice work with this chapter!
-Amanda
Author's Response: Hello!
I'm glad you like Heath. He's supposed to be likeable, but in a different way to Molly. Her charm is that she's so relateable. I am neither British nor American, so a lot of the way I show cultural clash is basically based off anecdotes and television. I'm happy that it's working :P
When I began writing the scene between Molly and Heath, my biggest concern was that it was going to be boring. Meeting new people isn't as exciting as it sounds, so I tried really hard to make Heath as entertaining as possible!
Thank you so much for this lovely review!
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 01/20/2014
Oh goodness I loved this chapter! It really highlighted the humoresque writing ability you have! Heath seems like an awesome character and already so planned out that I just have to like him. Raj is awesome, too! I love just how motherly un motherly he was. It's like he's trying to take care of his best friend, but be a little less obvious about it.
Dennis the talking mountain had me cracking up throughout the whole piece. Especially when he whispered sand it was more like the makings of an avalanche. Though it sort of makes me sad since the only reason he's probably in the business is his big brother and it really seemed to harden him up, which was sort of sad to see.
Im excited for the two of them to adventure together. Heath seems really hilarious, so I can't wait to see hind rice Molly crazy, though I will miss Raj if he doesn't come along. Molly and Raj could use their awesome eyebrow skills on Heath together and it will be awesome!
As for the quote, I thought it was executed wonderfully and I recognized it immediately from the books, so good job on that! :)
I loved the chapter, I loved laughing with it, and I'm excited to move onward!
~Mae
Author's Response: Thank you so much! I love writing Heath. He's more overtly funny than Molly and it's challenging to write but oh so much fun! And it was fun writing Raj that way!
You're right in saying that Dennis probably became an Auror to honour his brother's memory and that's incredibly sad, but life goes on, and excitable young men turn into silent mountains!
Heath is definitely going to drive Molly up the wall, but Molly is going to annoy Heath as well! And the combined eyebrow skills of Molly and Raj would probably be the death of poor Heath!
Thanks so much for reading and reviewing! It was lovely hearing your thoughts :)
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 01/17/2014
I'm back for more!
I'm so excited that we get two different perspectives in this story! And Heath has quite the perspective. He is the perfect male lead--he's overly sure of himself (in the best way), he's funny, he's witty, he doesn't quite have it all together just yet. I'm already falling for him, so I imagine it's only a matter of time before Molly does the same.
Oh, and by the way, I'm loving that Dennis Creevey is their boss and that he's this silent mountain of a man. Such a great detail. And Raj. He's shaping out to be a great OC already. I love the British-Indian ""reserve"" you mention. It suits him well. Basically, your characterization is great and I'm looking forward to watching these characters grow and interact and make a complete mess of things (before Molly and Heath fall madly in love and live happily ever after).
I'm a bit curious why the Daily Prophet felt the need to send an Auror with Heath. It worries me a bit, actually. Do they know something that they haven't told Heath? Does Heath know something that I don't? I'm concerned for him, but I'm probably just being paranoid.
Anyway, I'm looking forward to the next chapter (when I get around to it... life always gets in the way of good reading). Loving this crazy adventure so far!
--Gina
Author's Response: I love writing from Heath's point of view. He's so charismatic but still a bit of a dweeb on the inside, and it's fun playing with that. I think I'm a little in love with him myself, which is so terrible because I wrote him :P
Dennis Creevey was a lot of fun to write this way. And I think there's more story for Raj to tell than what is told (or going to be told) in this one. He definitely has the potential to have his own little story sometime in the future!
Obviously, the Daily Prophet is just loaded with extra cash. Heath definitely is a magnet for trouble, so having Molly around is actually just so that he doesn't die or something :P
Thanks so much for reading! :)
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 01/16/2014
I'm finally here to review the challenge entry! I'm going to start off by saying that you definitely have a knack for writing comedy. I couldn't stop smiling throughout this entire chapter.
I absolutely love Heath, he sounds like the exact opposite of Molly and exactly what she needs. They're a little bit similar but they are more different than alike. The reason that I'm saying that is if I come back to this after a while, I won't be confused as to whose point of view the story is being told from because Heath and Molly have such different voices (and believe me, that's a great accomplishment considering some published authors can't achieve that).
The quote that I gave you was used perfectly, I could definitely picture Heath saying it, especially when he was drunk.
I adore how unamused Molly was when Heath showed up. By the sounds of it, he's pretty used to girls just giving him whatever he wants as soon as he sends them that heart-stopping smile of his but Molly isn't one of those girls. I have a feeling that those two are going to have quite a lot of arguments while they travel together. I can just picture her in my head giving Heath this unimpressed look while he tries to convince her to do something.
I never pictured Dennis Creevey as turning into this mountain of a man as heath puts it, he always seemed like a small type of guy instead of big amd muscly. I guess puberty hit though. At some point, I start thinking of Dennis as a mountain instead of Dennis.
I never really thought that traveling the world would require a bodyguard but then again, Heath is traveling to new and strange places and he could get into trouble (for some reason I have a feeling that Heath is going to end up getting into trouble). He might accidentally end up insulting someone without meaning to and Molly would be forced to bust them out of the situation before they got attacked.
Good luck in the challenge, the results should be up soon (you know . . . once I get through all of the entries of course).
Author's Response: I'm glad that you think I can write comedy. I don't really write much of anything else, so it's nice to hear that what I do write is well-received :)
Heath and Molly are more similar than either of them realise at the moment. But yes, in a lot of respects they're opposites. I'm so happy that the points of view read distinctly! That was really my biggest concern - that the two of them would sound the same!
I really want to write a scene where Heath is actually drunk. He'd be an immensely fun character to write in that state!
Heath isn't exactly ""used to"" getting whatever he wants, be it from girls or anyone else. He's worked hard for everything so far, but you're right in saying that he's definitely used to people liking him when they meet him. He's quite friendly, and he's never quite met someone who doesn't respond to that.
The last time we see Dennis Creevey he's fourteen and probably scrawny. Puberty and Auror training can do wonders!
Travelling the world doesn't require a bodyguard, but Heath definitely does need someone to keep his head out of trouble! He's a magnet for trouble!
Thanks so much for the review and the awesomesauce quote! This challenge was super fun :D
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 01/14/2014
Reivew swap!
Heath seems quite interesting. I'd like him to align his desire to not have moved across the pond to be mothered by his roommate and yet demand why Raj didn't stop him from drinking, get him up sooner, or make sure he did his work. :P I'm a bit curious about the backstory with his fiance. I can understand how that would lead to a night of heavy drinking though. You've constructed a really interesting relationship between Raj and Heath.
I love it when Next-Gen stories have Dennis Creevey! I think he'd make a good instructor.
*dies laughing* such a boy - noticing her chest. *sigh* at least we know his eyes work. And so do her's. :P Nothing's worse than getting caught with the creeper stare.
Heath seems so eager (and cute) to do his job. I like Molly's cautious behavior. Is it his hangerover making him all waffle-y or is it his nervousness talking to Molly? My husband does the eyebrow thing! It's incredible and awesome.
Oh Dennis, no one wants to be called little. It does sound like he's looking for a body guard. I see great potential in this situation!! I'm really excited to read more!!
-Rose
Author's Response: Hello!
Heath is a bit of a hypocrite, isn't he? It's totally on purpose. I wanted to show that sometimes we take our friends for granted, even in these small ways. And backstory with his fiance is forthcoming - I couldn't leave well enough alone!
Heath is quite the boy! And of course Molly would catch him! And give him a lot of grief for it :P
His work is Heath's life. It's his life's dream. Both Heath and Molly are similar in that way - they're quite committed. I can't do the eyebrow thing, but apparently all my female leads in my WIPs can. It's a little unfair.
It becomes a bit more obvious that Heath of all people needs a bodyguard. He has a way of attracting trouble! Thanks so much for reading!
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 01/14/2014
Hi! Review swap! :D
Firstly, characterisation! Okay, Molly's super awesome character shines through once agin! :D Love her! And Heath is equally awesome! The have great chemistry already! :D love the interactions! And when he thought her hair was fire! That scene made me laugh so hard! And Dennis! All I could think of was when he fell in the Black Lake in his first year! :D and I quite like Raj! His personality is super cool! :)
Description was again quite good :D The flow was fine in the first part at Heath's flat, but I would love to see more setting description there :) but not too much, because that would be draggy :)
Flow was a really good pace! It was amazing! I loved the pacing for this fic!! :D And plot is so so interesting! Yay! :D I can't wait to see what u do with the plot! :D
Great job! It was truly amazing! Update soon! :D
-ReeBee :)
Author's Response: I was worried about writing Molly this way. This is a new style for me, and she's not in it for very long, but I'm glad you thought that she still came through as believable. And isn't chemistry just everything? I'm glad you think so! It's a lot of fun writing them together, and they're still so awkward with each other. And Molly's hair is like, ridiculously red. Dennis Creevey is a boss (like, literally - he's Molly's boss) and I have a tiny crush on Raj (which is quite worrying because he's a character of my own creation).
I always look forward to your critiques of my description and flow! You point out the places where I don't bother looking, and that's just so fantastic! Notes made!
Thanks so much for this review! I really appreciate it!
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 01/14/2014
Tag!
New characters! I really liked the way you set up their introduction, with Heath dreaming of being somewhere that was away from where he was. He kind of has the same idea as Molly, in that short sentence, where he is longing for something more. I suppose that's probably the point, and I'm going to make a safe prediction and say that Molly and Heath will meet sometime in the near future! I'll bet 6 gold stars on it ;).
Heh, it's funny to think of Dumbledore as the old guy who ""kicked the bucket"" many years ago. It makes sense, he's just another great wizard who died, given these characters have absolutely no connection with him. Furthermore, why was there a Santa in July :p? That made me laugh...and even more so when he called him Dumbledore.
Raj and Heath's interactions were fantastic. They made me laugh, and they were well-written (a 2-for!). Ah ha! So he's also broken up with his fiance. I stand firmly by my prediction.
Ooh Dennis Creevey (holds back irrational emotions from a different era)! ""What he’d first thought was the beginning of a forest fire turned out to be, in fact, a shock of fiery red hair."" -- Wow...that's the best description of a Weasley's hair that I've ever seen ;). Whoo! I win the gold stars! :D I love it when I'm right.
Heh, oh boy. Molly doesn't seem overly happy to be Heath's...erm...not-bodyguard (totally bodyguard).
This was great! I can't wait to read the next chapter!
-Rumpel
Author's Response: All the new characters! Okay, there were like three, but whatever.
You're completely right in saying that Heath and Molly want really similar things - they're just coming from different places. Obviously, you have won yourself six gold stars :P
Time and distance can be strange that way. It doesn't take away from the things that he's done, but Heath isn't Albus, who shares his name with Dumbledore, nor is he even from Britain. He's definitely going to see things differently. And who knows why there was a Santa in July? Maybe it wasn't really Santa, but Heath was just too inebriated to notice!
Break-ups abound, and it's only the second chapter! And Raj is just fantastic. I kinda have a crush on him, actually :P
I had to restrain myself from crying out in anguish every time I wrote Dennis Creevey's name - but I think I can do it now - DENNIS CREEVEY OH EM GEE MAH BABY. Haha, thanks for thinking that it was an apt description! Molly's hair is REALLY red!
Molly is totally Heath's bodyguard. Everyone knows that. Heath shrieks too much for it to be any other way.
Thanks so much for reviewing!
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 01/13/2014
Review SWAP!
I'm so glad you asked me to review this chapter because I was really enjoying this story. ESPECIALLY since it's about Molly. She's fab, in this story, by the way!
I love what you did with Heath, and seeing his friendship with Raj is both entertaining, believable and endearing. I can't wait to see how this little trip goes. Molly seems like she might be a bit grumpy for some of it, and I certainly can't wait to see how Heath interacts with her in such a close setting.
I wonder if we'll see some more of Raj before they go?
Is Dennis the head of the Auror department? If he is I think that's an interesting take, having it not be Harry or Ron or Hermione. And if he isn't, then I like that you sent in someone who wasn't famous or head of the department to deal with Heath's silly request. Either way, I really like the scene.
My computer wants to change Auror to Aurora.. If only. Then Dennis and Molly would be Sleeping Beauties. Okay, sorry, I got distracted!
I really like what you've done here, and I hope you update soon so I can keep reading, I'm definitely adding this to my currently reading!
xoxo LL
Author's Response: I'm glad you liked Molly in this chapter as well! I didn't really write her in any sort of detail, so I was worried that she'd lack depth.
Everyone needs a friend who acts like their mother. They're the people who make sure you get to class on time even if you didn't go to bed until 3am the night before. Molly is most definitely going to be grumpy for some of it, but mostly at Heath, and not the actual travelling, I think!
And Raj makes a cameo in the next chapter!
Dennis is in charge of training the Auror recruits. Harry is head of the Auror department, so I can't imagine him being involved personally in training new Aurors - ain't nobody got time for that, kinda thing. Dennis was really fun to write this way!
OMG THE AURORA THING IS SO CLOSE TO ANOTHER FANFIC PROJECT I'M WORKING ON WITH A FRIEND, IT'S CREEPY.
Thanks so much for the review! I look forward to hearing from you soon, hopefully :)
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 01/11/2014
Tag!!! :D I'm so excited you updated this, I really love it!
Heath is great. Really, he seems very quirky but also has a certain maturity and growth. It's interesting to see you write older and more mature characters who know their own selves more, it seems to be going very well so far. :) I like how right away he's introduced as this outwardly laid back bloke, but inside he's consumed by wanderlust. I can definitely relate to everything he was feeling about traveling! The little hints about Heath, like that his father had some sort of company he was trying to escape, and that he recently broke up with his fiance, really leaves a lot of enticing questions. I also like how he shrieks. Boys should shriek more.
Raj is hilarious too, it's so funny how he's sort of Heath's mum and I love how he's British-Indian. Fan fiction really needs more multicultural characters!
Why had there been a Santa at the pub in July? And why on earth had he called it Dumbledore? Hahaha, this really made me laugh. This story is just soaked in your typical rather dry humour and I love it so, so much. All the more because I was actually thinking over Christmas that Dumbledore and Santa actually have a lot in common! But the Santa in your story sounds quite creepy to be honest, so perhaps not.
You did a really good job of introducing Heath and Molly to one another and I'm already starting to see how they might get along. The premise under which they're meeting and the adventure around the world is fantastic, not what I was expecting, but I'm really excited about it. It will be cool to see the wizarding point of view on the wonders of the world- maybe they'll meet some frightening magical folk and creatures along the way! I actually love the idea of wizards having their own secret layers of tourism that Muggles wouldn't see which might be interesting.
Wonderful chapter, I'm so excited to read the next one! :D
Author's Response: :) I'm glad you liked it! I didn't get the same good vibes off it as I did the first chapter, so I was a little worried about it.
Heath... I actually adore writing Heath. The maturity and growth I think comes from knowing what he wants from life. It's actually a little weird writing characters that are a little older. It can be an introspective sort of experience. I didn't used to think that it was too different writing a character who was seventeen and a character who was twenty, but they really are in different places in their lives.
Heath is the sort of person I'd want to be if time, money, and commitments weren't an issue. He's just itching to get out there! And boys should definitely shriek more. I think in the next chapter, Heath yelps. Twice.
I've never written a fic with multicultural characters, and I have no idea why, because where else am I going to get to see the diversity that I want to see in mainstream media if not in my own writing? People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, and all that!
I didn't think this chapter was as funny as the last one. I'm so flattered that you think I have a certain flavour of humour. I feel like I'm in the big leagues now :P And Dumbledore, Gandalf, and Santa are just long-lost brothers. I mean, Aberforth is into goats, and Santa likes reindeer. And the beards! What more proof does one need?
Heath and Molly have a lot in common. They're both coming from similar places, but just attacking their problems in their own unique ways. They're still strangers at this point, but yeah - hopefully they get along soon! I've never been to the places that they're going to go, so this'll be an interesting exercise of imagination for me, trying to figure out how Muggles do it, then how wizards would do it! I'm looking forward to the headaches!
Thanks so much for the lovely review!
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 12/28/2015
Hello again!
Gosh, I really love your writing. It doesn't matter what genre or era, you're pretty amazing at all the ones I've read so far!
I absolutely love your characterisation of Molly! She seems so real, and is at that terribly confusing point in life where she looks at what she's done and where she's headed in the future and just has to think, ""Is this seriously all there is?"" I'm sure you've got some crazy adventure awaiting her, which I can not wait to read!!
Also, Agatha Painsley-Bumbershuffle... I think that is my favourite name that I've read in any fanfict! I love it, and cannot stop laughing every time I read it! I so hope we get to see more of her (even if it's just her name and not her character!).
I pretty much love everything about this story so far, the plot, the characters, the snarky comments, even the dull Percy-esque ex-boyfriend! Great start to a story!
-Your Secret Snowflake
Author's Response: YOU ARE SO SO NICE I CAN'T EVEN.
Molly is great. I love this first chapter. I don't think she's ever her truest self more in the story so far as she is in here.
THAT NAME IS BASICALLY THE HEIGHT OF MY CREATIVE GENIUS. I CAN'T DO BETTER. I SHOULD QUIT WHILE I'M AHEAD. I want to use every single possible moment I can to write her name into the story :P
Goodness, it must be so horrible to realise that you're basically dating a dad-clone. Molly takes it rather well, I think
Thanks for the lovely review :)
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 10/24/2015
Hey there,
Don't worry, I'm planning on reviewing the latest chapter of this for our swap... but I can't seem to ever pass by that little box here. It always looks so lonely.
Okay, so where are you and have you been watching me? You just described my break up from two weeks ago. In detail. How did you do that? (Well I guess most breakups with people Molly's age are kind of similar... people leave school and grow apart.) At least Molly -well, her Ex boyfriend rather than her- was smart enough to break up NOW rather than dragging the relationship on for ages...
And UGH THAT COFFEE SOUNDS TERRIBLE. Terrible coffee should be made illegal. Instant coffee shouldn't even be sold anywhere. (You're talking to a girl who gets in the car on sundays and drives 4 hours to get to italy just for a great espresso... I love me some coffee)
Maybe it's just me and my circumstances (but I don't think it's just that) but I love the way this story feels so real and relateable. Molly, with all her insecurities and her resolution to fix her life right now is a character I can easily slip into and see the world through her eyes.
I love how you described Audrey and Percy... the family dynamic there was almost comical, especially with Rose's slightly sarcastic comments... I'm going to head to the next chapter now, can't wait for more.
xxx
~Anja
Author's Response: Heya! Thank you so much for all the lovely reviews that you left on this story! It means a lot :)
Ah! I'm so sorry about your break-up! But if it was like Molly's, then I hope it was a good thing for you. It is a little weird though that I got it so spot on...
THAT COFFEE REALLY IS THE WORST. Terrible coffee is a crime against good coffee. Gives all of coffee a bad wrap. And that is some dedication to get a good espresso, although I am a little jealous that you can get to Italy in four hours to do that. I'm a 20+ hour transcontinental flight away.
I'm glad it feels so easy to relate to. That's what I want from this story. Molly's just your average person who has to figure out what she wants from her life - and also that it's okay not to know right away.
Haha, I'm glad you enjoyed Audrey and Percy. They were a lot of fun to write.
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 02/18/2015
Hi there!
Here with your requested review from the forums.
So I will start off by saying that this is not the type of story that normally would catch my attention. In fact, I usually find fluff to be either obnoxious or boring. That being said, I think you've done a wonderful job of making this more interesting. The breakup in the beginning provided a nice amount of depth to your character.
As for characterization, I thought you nailed the voice of a woman in her early 20's. Molly sounded angsty and frustrated, like many 20-somethings do, but she doesn't seem to know exactly what to do to fix it either. She had a nice self-deprecating sense of humor that also added to the story.
I did notice a few tiny things when reading:
You use the word CRIED a lot. On a brief re-read, I counted 7 separate occasions where a character cried. I would suggest breaking that up a bit by using other words instead of cried repeatedly. (Exclaimed, shouted, protested, etc.)
The chapter where you introduce Agatha Pasiley-Bumbershuffle is a bit awkward. I can't quite put my finger on the reason why, but something doesn't quite flow right for me.
Overall, I'm really surprised to be enjoying a fluff story. Looking forward to the next chapter!
~TreacleTart
Author's Response: Heya! I'm sorry for taking so long to reply :(
I completely understand! As a predominantly fluff writer, I'm completely aware that it isn't for everyone. It makes me doubly pleased that you enjoyed it despite your preference.
Oh, thank you! I did want Molly's struggle with herself and where her life is going to be relateable. And I'm pleased that you enjoyed her sense of humour.
OMG that is a lot of times to use the word CRIED. I've made a note about it in my draft for editing purposes.
The introduction of Agatha reads a bit awkwardly, I think. I have a feeling that it's the sentence structure in that place - far too convoluted!
Thanks for your CCs and your kind words!
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 02/13/2015
I must first begin by saying I have never read a next generation story, but this was a rather rrefreshing experience. I did indeed find this first chapter a rather interesting one, you began and finished quite solidly, which was also incredibly pleasing. You have indeed opened me a little more as to reading these kinds of fiction, and I will continue to review the remaining chapters you have uploaded so far.
The flow of your writing overall is very good, although perhaps at the beginning I had to go back and reread over the first few paragraphs, just to make sure I knew who was being spoken about. Though this did not hinder the chapter overall, it may be something you wish to address if you revise this.
Although not much action or progression happened in this chapter, I did like the way you set the scene and established Molly's personality, and I must say that it was not what I had been expecting at all. Though considering the nature of her extended family, it would be unsurprising for her to have a playful if not impatient temperament.
Your slight hint at humour, particularly in your last few lines lightened the chapter considerably, and it's always good to see authors giving their fiction more or an every day feel from time to time without it feeling as though it has been forced.
Thank you very much for taking the time to write this, and I look forward to seeing how it developes.
Author's Response: Heya! Thanks so much for reviewing, and I apologise profusely for my incredibly late reply.
I'm glad you enjoyed the new experience! I'm so impressed that you decided to try something new and doubly pleased because you liked it. A strong first chapter is just so important, and I'm glad that you felt i delivered that.
Yes! I have a tendency to get a bit wordy especially when I'm starting a new chapter. It's something on which I'm trying to work, so thank you for mentioning that.
Molly is a lot of fun to write. I hope that you continue to enjoy her as the story progresses. She really comes into her own whilst still maintaining aspects from who she is here.
Sometimes I can be a little heavy handed with the humour. I'm so happy that you didn't find that to be the case.
Thank you so much for this lovely review. I really appreciate it :)
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 02/08/2015
Sorry it took so long for a review, I managed to start reading late last night and needed to reread this morning because I think I turned into a pumpkin.
You're a very solid writer, quite impressively so. The first couple of sentences, I thought ""Oh, dear, here we go!"" pertaining to wordiness and over-writing, but that was the last I thought of it.
I didn't pay attention to the story information so the first couple of paragraphs I thought I was watching Molly Pruett, not Molly Weasley of next gen :)
So let's talk about Molly. You've written her beautifully. She's annoying, whiny, cerebral, a total girl, and quite clearly Percy's offspring. I'm certain if I was friends with her in real life I'd throw myself out of a window.SHE'S WONDERFULLY WRITTEN! I love it.
I can't answer what I think about readability, because I'm not really sure what you have up your sleeve for her. But so far, I really like it...she's such a pill, lol.
Fantastic writing style.
Author's Response: That's cool! I went to sleep to sleep anyway :)
Thank you! I have a tendency to get wordy - I seem to have an allergy to full stops. I'm pleased that's only an issue at the beginning.
Haha, no! Definitely Molly II! Although imagining Molly Prewett like this is a lot of fun...
I'm glad you are enjoying Molly! I love writing her. She's so much fun. And yes, she very clearly is Percy's offspring. I'm pleased that comes through.
Thanks for the lovely review and all your help :)
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 01/28/2015
Hi, I'm here with a (slightly late) hot seat review!
I haven't had much time to get reviews done this week since school just started for me, but I got to school early today so I could type this up.
This is such an interesting start to a story. I definitely see why everyone's begging you to update this one :P I'm really loving the quote used in the beginning and how you kind of based this chapter around it.
Starting a story off with a breakup is always an interesting choice and I can tell it'll be a lot of fun to go through the post-breakup period inside of Molly's head. Her ruminations about why she hates the cafe they're in was kind of hilarious. She's getting dumped and she's thinking about how much she hates the coffee there!
I'm so intrigued that Agatha going on about her seemingly great, perfect life is what caused Molly to become disillusioned with hers. I can actually really relate to that because I definitely would say that maybe that nice, neat little life may not be for me. I get the feeling that she wants a bit more excitement, maybe? I thought it interesting that they are going to be an Auror and a Healer, which is usually the thing people in fic are aspiring to. It's almost as if it's all too easy for her. (also I love that Molly is the Auror-to-be and her boyfriend wanted to be a Healer. it's so often the other way around)
The way Molly broke the news to her parents was so great! And her big monologue about how much she hates her job and how she hasn't had a day off in years and just her general disdain for the path she's been on was just amazing. I feel like that deserves to be quoted somewhere. It's such an accurate social critique and wow, I just love this story so far.
- Joey
Author's Response: Hola! I am here with a slightly late response, so that makes us even. I get that - school has an annoying habit of getting in the way. But alas, such is the nature of real life.
Haha, this is a fun story to write. I stopped writing it for some reason, and it's taken me a long time to get back to it - much longer than anticipated, but an update shall be imminent! I haven't read Perks, so I just used the quote in the way I felt like, without feeling the pressure to conform to its meaning in the novel. I'm very pleased that you found it to work.
I've never started with the end of a relationship before. That was new for me. But Molly is great. She's a character who's very dear to my heart, and I hope that you continue to like her as the story goes on.
Agatha serves as Molly's wake up call. This is the beginning of her realisation that she has to figure out what she wants from her life for herself, rather than blindly following some pre-written plan. She may return to wanting the sort of life Agatha has in the future, but I want her to find out for herself if that's what she wants. Agency is a big deal. You're right in guessing that what she really wants right now is excitement. That's a very great word to describe her feelings on the matter. And I didn't even think of the role reversal. I just didn't want Molly in a totally typical role - not very many women are written as aspiring to be Aurors in fanfic.
This is what happens when you bottle your feelings, Molly. Hopefully she gets better at announcing life-altering events like this over time. I just want her struggles to be relatable. Thanks for the lovely review :)
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 08/22/2014
Hello! Ah, so I planned to review swap with you exactly a MILLION years ago, and then promptly lost the tab of this story and couldn't find it again (I spent an absurdly long time looking through Molly II stories trying). Anyway, discussion of roti helped me find it again, so here I finally am!
ANYway, on to the story:
You did something really unique here, namely, I see a lot of stories where the basic gist is ""X person (usually Rose) is tired of being a good girl, and goes reckless!""--but here, you actually really spent a lot of time fleshing out how Boring being perfect can be.
And it's admirable how you really reveled in Boringness, and found ways to write about it interestingly. Like sugar sinking to the bottom of bad coffee, or a potions instructor brought to tears on an essay about Dragon's blood (which I lol'd at). The little details here shine (Percy and salt), and manage to convey a lot about your character. Noticing all these small things kind of suggests that she's at a lack for more interesting things to notice.
Molly is definitely a very real character, and rather different from a lot of characters on this site. I love that you managed a light story, that's genuinely funny and a good read, but isn't *silly*--which is rather a feat!
Anyway, I definitely want to read more, and I apologize PROFUSELY for being so late on reviewing this!
Cheers!
-Roisin
Author's Response: Haha! No problemo! I'm a terrible person for dropping the ball on things as well, so I completely understand. And well done for going through all those stories!
I thought about writing this from Rose's point of view, but you're right - it happens a lot. And I felt that Rose would have been coming from a different place than Molly. Also, reckless and Molly don't quite fit. Her ""rebellion"" for lack of a better word, is much quieter and more internal than something I would've written for Rose.
I loved writing all the details of everyday life! It really helped me connect with my own real life that way - one can forget the little things amongst everything else. I'm glad you liked it!
Considering how many silly stories I write, I'm really pleased that you don't find this story silly, but still funny. I do still want to make people smile! Thank you!
Thanks so much for the review swap! I really enjoyed doing it :)
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 08/22/2014
Hi! Maggie here with your requested review! Thank you so much for your patience with me. I'm sorry to have kept you waiting so long, but I'm really glad I got to read your chapter!
Wow, what an iconic quote to start with. I think it was a gutsy move having it as your first line, and you used it really well. Having it come from Molly's inner voice instead of a line of dialogue was a nice effect. It didn't feel forced or gimmicky at all, which can easily happen when a character actually speaks the challenge quote. Great technique there :)
I can totally identify with Molly's struggle to find what she truly wants out of life. Her tone is feisty and sharp without being to over-the-top. And she's very perceptive, too, which is so much fun. I LOVED the dinner scene with her parents, with Molly focusing so much on the minute details of her food. Her commentary is so dry and funny there; overall, her narrative voice is just a pleasure to read. I do wish I'd seen her interact with the (ex)boyfriend, though. That was the one thing I felt was missing; you show us a lot of Molly's thoughts during the breakup, but I wanted to see how she handled it in the moment. What did she say to him? Was she calmly accepting, or was there some snark involved?
I really really liked your portrayal of Percy and Audrey. They are a little high-strung and they expect a lot, but it's clear that they love their daughter. That's the most important thing :)
Great job with this opening! I would love to see you pick this story back up, because based on this chapter I think it will be a very enjoyable read. Your style is great; subtly funny and engaging :)
Author's Response: I'm finally here to respond to your review, so really, I should be thanking you for your patience!
That's what you get for entering love quote challenges - you can end up with really awesome quotes, but also really popular quotes which mean so much to people and you're just like... how do I even begin to do this justice? I'm so pleased that you felt it worked.
I'm so glad Molly's struggle is so readily identifiable. She's this quiet person on the outside, but on the inside, she's like this rolling mass of feelings and the only way she knows to deal with that is through sarcasm. She's just tired of what her life has become. Thanks for letting me know about her ex-boyfriend! I didn't have any interaction with him because he's become so unimportant in her life now, but yeah, I can see how it would have been cool for her to interact with him. I'll keep it in mind for the future!
Percy and Audrey are a lot of fun to write. Their own love story is pretty crazy, too!
Thanks for the lovely review :) I'm so sorry about the late reply!
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 08/16/2014
Howdy! Dropping by to fill your review request!
So, for starters I think you've really got an excellent start with Molly's characterization. She's clearly been affected by her upbringing as Percy's daughter, which I think would be impossible to avoid given that the epilogue tends to indicate he remained irritatingly overbearing. But you also give her internal thoughts a distinct voice and flair that makes her her own person even before you reveal the reasons behind her break-up.
I also think you did a good job in the story of balancing dialogue, description, and internal thought. This is always crucial (at least in my opinion) and while this chapter was bound to be less dialogue-heavy, you used what dialogue you needed to well to supplement the story's development through your very well-handled descriptions and internal thought sequences. One thing that made this particularly strong (aside from the characterization) is that you varied your word choice well, leaving phrasing simple for more straightforward or blunt moments, but not shying away from stronger, more evocative language when needed (as in Molly's thoughts on why she was okay with the abandonment of the track she'd been on).
The only thing that really leapt out as a negative to me was this sentence ""She was certain that she was going high places in the Ministry, having followed a similar path to the one her father Percy Weasley, who was now at those fabled high places."" I read it over several times and I think there's something missing in the clause between the commas because it reads broken to me.
All in all though a very strong start. Looking forward to the next chapter!
Author's Response: Heya! Lovely to hear from you :)
I'm glad you like Molly's characterisation. I think she out of all my characters is closest to my heart, and that makes things a little more... complicated when it comes to critique, but it's still oh so important! But still - super pleased you like her.
So happy to hear that everything was in balance! I'm trying so hard to improve upon my description, but I feel as if it still falls to the wayside from time to time. And I can get a bit prosy from time to time, so you a) noticing the word choice, and b) finding it to be appropriate are all good signs!
That entire section has really odd sentence structures. Thank you for pointing that out - I've made a note in my drafts so that when the time comes to edit, I can give it my full attention. Thanks for the lovely review :)
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 08/14/2014
So, it's my favorite time again: reviewing! You're actually one of my favorite authors already, and then I accidentally found this story on the forums, thought it looked good and later realized it was yours!
So far so good my friend, because this little baby is going to SAIL! I suppose now is the time to jump into some constructive criticism, or my favorite parts...etc... but no. Not quite yet. First, I'd like to take a moment to tell you that wow. You're writing really awesome fan fiction, are the favorite author of some pretty cool people, and also (probably) have a life.
Kudos!
NOW we can get into the serious stuff.
You wrote this chapter with just the right amount of quirky, surprising, classic and fresh, and you corralled me from the very beginning. I really like Molly because she seems down-to-earth, believable, ridiculous but still relatable (HPFF says NO to that word). That's good characterization, that is.
Now, let's start from the beginning beginning. I liked it. Start the story with a breakup? Almost as ingenious as that one person that decided white trucks were a good idea. I'm kidding, it really was great, and fresh and welcoming (surprisingly...). Beginning solidity? Check.
Now, onto the middle. I'm afraid that there was something...confusing about the middle. Not enough to be damaging to the story (oh GOD no), but enough that at one point I was like...what...? It was that whole Agatha Painsley-Bumbershuffle part.
I agree with you that's it's needed to show what life would be like for Molly if she didn't take the reins, but I think you need to smooth and streamline that section so that we get a very clean, definitive feeling from that part. What should this feeling be? Something like this: Agatha! That poor, idiotic soul! How could she throw away her life to that kind of self-centered, posh, high and mighty kind of lousy living? Thank goodness Molly is doing what she's doing NOW instead of when it might already be too late!
I was just kind of confused at that part, and if it's confusing...that's not good.
I'm going to read the rest of the story and undoubtedly enjoy it, so beware! I may be sending more reviews your way :)
Author's Response: Goodness me! *blushes* *dies of all the flattery* OMG! Thank you so much for all your lovely words! I AM SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW. Seriously - this review has made my day :)
Ah! Thank you so much! I'm very pleased that you enjoy my writing since I don't do it with any sort of regularity, even though that's what I really want to do. Alas, as you have surmised, my real life gets in the way all too often :(
I am SO HAPPY that everyone who has read this story so far (and reviewed, because how else am I supposed to know this?) seems to like Molly. I love writing her, and I'm just so incredibly excited that people love to read about her.
I liked opening this story with an ""ending"". I've written like one breakup before, and that didn't have any sort of finality to it, so I really enjoyed writing a relationship ending for good. When one door closes, another opens, and all that!
I feel as if that scene with Agatha is a bit confusing too. For me, it's mostly because the tenses read a bit weird and my sentence structure is... crazy. I've made a note about that section for when I go back and edit this chapter. Thanks for pointing it out!
Thank you so much for reading and review - and as always, totally looking forward to your lovely reviews :)
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 08/14/2014
Hey, Midnight from the forums here!
Beautiful starting, I have to say! I was really tired after training today and I knew I had to sit down and review your story, so I did. When I started it, I felt really alert, as I grew more interested in it. It was a great chapter, I got to see ANOTHER different portray of Audrey (I always enjoy that) and Percy's plain old boring self. Molly is great. I have a feeling she and I are going to meet more often.
The plot is going superb, I love the way you started, It has great potential!
~Alex
Author's Response: Heya!
Thank you so much! I'm so happy that it made your day better. And yes - I love reading different versions of Audrey too! And I hope everyone comes to love Molly as much as I do!
Thanks so much for reading and reviewing!
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 08/14/2014
Hi there! I'm here with you review as requested!
And let me just say right now, oh my gosh, I'm so glad you did! I was in love with this story immediately. Seriously. In love. I could tell from the beginning that you are a really, really talented writer.
I loved being in Molly's head from the beginning and going through the events at the cafe with her. You wrote the events and her thought so perfectly. It was the perfect balance of dialogue, events, and thoughts, but I liked that it was mainly Molly's thoughts because it established her character and personality immediately. I think that's so important, and not only is that important, but creating a unique character is even more important! And I really think you did that here. Molly sounds like myself even and she's relatable! She's not some Mary-Sue. Honestly, you did a perfect job with her.
You had the perfect little inclusions of humor too, like when Molly realizes picking today wasn't the best day to change her life and so on. Then the meal with her family was just the icing on the cake to follow up the previous scene. I love that she freaked out. Honestly loved it. Once again, it just establishes the brilliant character you've created even further.
You really have a great start here, and you have written it awesomely. I'm sorry this review is gushing more than anything, but I really don't know what CC I have to offer! I just honestly loved it all and I don't know what I could say to make it any better!! Seriously. Brilliant job. I haven't read a story of this quality on the archive in quite a long time.
I'm sorry I couldn't be of more use, but I hope you still found this useful in some way! Thank you so much for requesting and introducing me to your great story. I honestly can't wait to see where this goes. Please feel free to come back and request the next chapter whenever you like!
Author's Response: Hello!
Aww! Thank you so much! You're making me blush ^.^
I loved writing Molly. She's just such a fantastic character, and I identify with her so much, so it's wonderful that other people are connecting with her as much as I am.
I'm glad you like her humour! She definitely has one but it's quite subtle and very self-deprecating. And I loved giving Molly a breakdown! She's usually very put-together (as you'll see in the later chapters) but I wanted to set up right at the beginning that she doesn't have it as all together as she'd like.
Thanks once again for this wonderful review! I'll be sure to rerequest soon!
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 08/12/2014
Hiya! Stopping by at last for my side of the review swap (so sorry for the delay!) and I have to say, I really enjoy your portrayal of Molly!
You start off really well with her snooty boyfriend (Hi there, Percy Junior!) and his terribly boring break-up speech. I like how you used the speech as the kickstart motivation for Molly to change her life, and as a way to introduce her internal monologue and as a way to introduce the characters and the setting. I really enjoyed how you sneaked in little facts about characters who aren't yet present, like Lily's adoration of books (or at least, the bestseller list) and Lucy's manipulative nature. Your descriptions of the café and the horrendous coffee were really fun and helped to make the setting feel more real!
AGATHA PAINSLEY-BUMBERSHUFFLE!!! Excuse me while I roll around on the floor in laughter... Ahem. Back now. She's a very fun character, and despite the tongue-in-cheek name you chose for her, I think a lot of people have their own Agatha in their lives, so incorporating her was a good idea. I get the feeling that the break-up, Agatha, Lily's quote, any of those things on their own wouldn't have sparked her desire for something better. But to have all those things pile up and happen at the same time, I think that's really put things into perspective for her.
THE DINNER!!! I'm resisting the urge to write this entire review in shouty capslock because your portrayal of her parents was so fun! Percy and Audrey remind me a lot of Arthur and Molly in a way -- Percy's like a refined Arthur, very restrained but still adoring of his kids and happy to let them have their way, while Audrey is this super dramatic person, kind of how I'd imagine Molly the first to be if she'd had too much coffee ;)
This seems like a really fun opening chapter, and I'd be happy to swap with you again if you'd like to! (Or I might possibly find my way back here...) You've developed your characters well, particularly Molly -- you've had her try, and then quickly lose heart and seek metaphors in food. She's got an uphill struggle, it seems, and it's going to be interesting to see what the next step she takes will be!
♥
Author's Response: Not a problem about the delay - I went to sleep so this was a lovely way to wake up :)
Haha! Percy junior for sure! It must suck to realise that you're dating someone who is very much like your father was at that age - it probably was a factor for Molly. I love writing Molly so much. She's just so fed up with her life at this point, and I feel as if that's something that people can relate to from time to time. I'm really pleased that you liked the descriptions! I suck at them, but I try to improve, so this means a lot!
AGATHA'S NAME IS MY FAVOURITE. Everyone has an Agatha in their lives, don't they? They're this ""perfect"" person that you simultaneously hate, want to be, and then don't want to be. You're right in saying that not one of those events would've caused Molly to decide to take action, but I guess that's how life works sometimes: everything happens all at once and you have no choice but to make a change.
The dinner scene is one of my favourite scenes that I've ever written. Percy and Audrey were great. They are inspired a bit by Molly and Arthur - definitely Percy's cluelessness is! And haha! That's such a great description of Audrey! Love it ;)
I would love to continue to swap for the rest of the chapters! There's heaps of things I haven't read on your page so I'll just go crazy! And Molly definitely has a long way to go!
Thanks for the lovely swap :)
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 08/12/2014
Hiya, it's Emma here for our review swap.
Okay, I really enjoyed this. First off, I love the title. It's got just the right amount of humour in it to match your writing style so that's great. I think there's a typo in your summary though. You have 'an unstoppable force meets AND immovable object' where I think it's meant to be 'AN immovable object'? Not a big problem at all but I thought it was worth noting.
I really like the way you've characterised Molly. You've made her very real, and her internal commentary on the break up scene is really good. I loved her not wanting to end up like Agatha. When you first started describing Agatha's life I thought it was going to be the other way round, a wake up call to show Molly what she wanted her life to be, but this way is much funnier.
I absolutely adore your Percy and Audrey. I love the idea of them eloping together. It's so out of character for Percy and it's lovely the idea that when he actually falls in love it brings out a different side of him. Their trying (and failing) to be supportive and show Molly they care is very well written and sweet.
There's so much to say that's good about your writing style. I think my favourite thing is the way you characterise people we haven't yet seen, like Lily and Lucy. We can already tell that Lily likes the idea of love, and that Lucy has a manipulative side, and that sets you up really well to give them interesting contributions to the story so I'm looking forward to meeting them.
Basically I think this is brilliant. I don't really have much to say in terms of constructive criticism. The only thing I might say is that your structuring of the break up scene around 'we accept the love we think we deserve' doesn't quite make sense to me. It's effective to read but I didn't get the impression Molly was accepting the love she thought she deserved. I thought she'd just had enough. It's just a minor thing, but it might be good for the opening sentence to more closely link in with the action.
I'm definitely keen to read more of this story and will add it to my reading list. If you want we could review swap for the other chapters too?
Thanks for the swap anyway. Great writing,
Emma x
Author's Response: Hey, hey, hey!
Of all the titles of my stories, I think this one is my favourite :P And thank you for pointing that out! Typos are terrible - they're the worst in summaries!
Molly is a character who is very close to my heart, so I'm glad that you like her. I'm pleased that she's so relateable. And she DEFINITELY doesn't want to end up like Agatha, even though Agatha has her life sorted.
Percy and Audrey were a lot of fun to write! I couldn't help but give Percy an elopement. It's so out of character that it couldn't be helped! There's a story and a half in there. And sometimes parents just don't get it, but they try and help anyway!
So flattered that you like the writing style. It's a little different from my other stories, so it's always a pleasant change to write. Percy has his Slytherin moments so I wanted to make Lucy a sort of more ruthless character in that way - like what if Percy had been in Slytherin.
Structuring the break-up scene around that quote... I understand where you're coming from. Molly definitely isn't accepting the love she thinks she deserves - the entire point is that she's sick of it and doesn't really want anything to do with it. I think what I was trying to drive at was that she was finally deciding to put herself and her needs before what others wanted - kind of like learning to love herself or something. I'll look into structuring that a bit better... Hmm. Much to think about!
I'd love to continue review swapping! I shall get to the rest of your chapters in the next day or so :)
Thanks for the swap! Lots of fun :D
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 03/16/2014
Hi! This story caught my eye so I figured is swing by and review it for Blackout Battle!
I really like that this story is Molly II-centric. Of all the next-gen characters, I feel like she's the least written about, but she has so much potential. I really love how you've written her too - she doesn't want to fall into that rut of a ""perfect life"" and wants to experience life fully instead of going through it checking off little tasks along the way, when if that means breaking out of the shell she's lived in for her whole life. She's also emotional and emphatic, which definitely shows she's inherited something from her mother, but she's not always tactful, as illustrated by the dinner, which really makes her a believable character who's fun to read about. She's by no means perfect, and that's what makes her so great.
I'm go glad she got away from her boyfriend - he sounds like a bore! Actually, he sounds a bit like a pre-Deathly Hallows Percy (read, pompous and obnoxious), but I guess they equate to the same thing! Her parents are great too - they're still obsessed with this idea of Molly having a ""perfect life,"" but at least Percy's a little more laid back about it, which shows he's changed a bit for the better since the series ended. I also love the little tidbit about them eloping - it's so funny and completely against Percy's personality, which makes it so much better! I'd love to see a story about that *hint hint one-shot maybe?*. Also, you win for best last name -
Paisley-Bumbershuffle is hilarious!
I think you've incorporated the quite really well into this story - it's definitely a strong theme in this chapter, and I think it makes a great point about Molly needing to love herself and follow her heart.
I'm excited to see where this story goes - it's off to a great start!
-ShadowRose (Taylor)
(Blackout Battle review 17/20 on opposite house)
Author's Response: Hello!
She really is not written that often, and I find that really strange because being Percy's daughter allows you to take her in so many different directions. I wanted to write her as ""normal"", which is a refreshing change from my other OCs. She has normal pressures to succeed and be a certain way, and she doesn't want that. And I loved writing that dinner scene! She doesn't quite realise how much like her mother she can be, and her tactlessness is almost definitely from Percy! It's kind of scary how much like our parents we can be!
Her boyfriend is a bore. And yeah, he is a lot like Percy pre-Deathly Hallows. Definitely another reason to get away from him! Percy and Audrey are a lot of fun to write, because is think they're a lot like other parents who want the best for their child but things get lost in translation between parent and child. And there's definitely a story in Percy and Audrey's past! Maybe someday...
Thanks so much for this wonderful review!
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 03/13/2014
Hello! I'm here reviewing stories for the Blackout Bingo! I've seen this story mentioned round the forums a few times and thought now would be a good time to check it out :)
Ah, I love Molly II! She's so underwritten generally in next generation and so naturally I love her for that, and it's always great to see how different people choose to interpret her character. I really liked the way that you opened this story, with the quote and with something dramatic happening, because it made me really want to read on and find out what was going on.
I loved Molly's thought process, too. You write so well from first person! She seemed almost detached while her boyfriend was breaking up with her, as if it didn't really matter, since she was thinking of so many other things. It sounds to me like she's better off without him!
Her parents reactions were brilliant! I like the fact that she generally seemed to get on with her parents, rather than there being a lot of problems between them. Audrey was hilarious, going on about her body clock ticking when she's twenty, and I loved Percy's reaction to that as well, shrugging his shoulders because he knows he can't do anything about his wife.
I'm really intrigued to see what Molly's going to do about changing her life - it's exciting to think of where she might go and how much it will affect her!
Sian :)
Blackout Bingo review 8/20
Author's Response: All my shameless advertising is working! Muhahaha!
She really is an under-appreciated character and I have no idea why, because the way I picture her in my head, she's very relatable. I've been wanting to write her for a while and I've finally found the perfect story for her and that makes me really happy!
She is quite detached in the breakup scene. She just doesn't feel connected to her boyfriend and the direction her life is taking anymore. I get like that sometimes, and I feel as if other people also get like that too. Her story in many ways is everyone's story.
Yeah, I wanted to write a realistic parental relationship. We like to think that our relationship with our folks is very black and white, but in actuality, it's a lot more complicated than that, even if you generally get along with them. I'm glad that it came across!
Molly's in for a crazy ride! Thanks for reading!
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