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Unleash Your Fandom
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 08/16/2014
This chapter seemed to be primarily an early introduction to the opening dynamic between Molly and Heath, so I'll focus mostly there.
I think by and large you did well with it. Heath seems to carry on in the role of the slightly cocky, yet tolerably affable American with a side of screw-up in him and I think it's quite appropriate that Molly starts off quite unimpressed by him. It was clear from the previous chapter that Heath was at least somewhat struck by Molly's appearance, given the detailed description he provided of it and it was interesting the way that you had Molly provide a similar, yet not nearly so superlative description in the opposite direction here. For someone breaking from the expected for her, Molly definitely still seems affected by some ""judgment genes"" her father may have passed on to her with the way she scrutinizes Heath's attire and behavior. It's appropriately more clinical from her end though.
As far as individual characterization though, two things have bothered me here. One is how remarkably recovered Heath seems after the dissolution of his engagement. For most people that's going to be a monumental event that would not be as easy to just put behind them, and that's how Heath comes off so far to me. Molly's reaction to the end of her serious relationship was more well-developed and clearly things had deteriorated over time so it makes sense to me on her side of things, but Heath...well, perhaps we'll find out later about him.
Number two is the Stonehenge Guy. I suppose he's comically some people's cup of tea, so I don't begrudge you that. Just being open and telling you he's not mine and we'll leave that there.
Be careful as well overcomplicating sentences that don't need to be. It wasn't a big issue here, but there have been some examples throughout and one that jumped out in this chapter was ""Henry Zhang and she avoided each other’s company after that."" It reads a bit awkward to me despite being grammatically correct and I think it would be more natural to simply replace everything before avoided with ""They"" - just a thought.
See you for the final (so far) chapter.
Author's Response: I'm still not quite sure how much of their nationalities should play into their characterisations. Obviously, they're quite large parts of who they are, and whenever travel comes up, it seems to matter the most, but we'll see. I'm hoping to slowly distance myself away from using ""British"" and ""American"" stereotypes as their relationship develops and they start to see each other as individuals, a little separate from just this one aspect. Molly's scrutiny is part ""judgement genes"" (so eloquently put - love it!), part ""scientist"", and part ""Auror training"". I think once I write more of the way she sees the world, these three parts become a little more distinct.
I go into Heath's engagement a little later. Lazy writing habits made me gloss over it a little at the beginning, but it definitely comes back, and hopefully in a big, messy way.
I completely understand you not liking Stonehenge Guy! Humour is so subjective, and whilst I try to write it in a way that appeals to everyone, I obviously can't achieve that. Some people like some things, some people don't - that's totally cool!
Gah! There are so many sentence structure problems in these chapters! I only noticed them after rereading a few months after writing. I've made notes all over my drafts, to which I've now added this specific example. Thanks for that!
Thank you for reading and reviewing :)
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 08/14/2014
And on to chapter three...
Fab opening line. You've managed to fit Molly's sarcastic attitude in straight away as well as giving us some insight into her surroundings and how they're contributing to her mood. I like it.
Molly's hating other people's lateness shows some of her Father in her, that wanting to stick to the rules and being frustrated when other people don't. I think that's really good. I'm glad you've not made her too similar to Percy (in a large part because I'm not sure I'd want to read a whole book about Percy...) but it's good to see how she's related to him.
""Molly valiantly suppressed an unexpected laugh"" says a lot about the way her and Heath are going to be together. She's really decided not to like him and it'll be interesting to see how he goes about breaking that down.
Is there going to be a silver dragon? Is Heath going to be the dude with the silver dragon? Because I'd quite like that...It's sweet to see that Heath doesn't laugh at socks and sandals (love how she calls him that rather than learning his name) reading Molly's aura. It shows a more mature side of him that we've not seen much so far.
Ooo I really really like Heath calling him 'beard and sandals'. They have so much more in common than they realise.
The stonehenge having a portkey type aspect is a really good idea and I'm looking forward to seeing where it takes them.
Okay, in terms of edits you could make for this chapter I really can't think of much it needs. A bit more setting description of Heath's flat through Molly's eyes might be interesting as a way to show more about who he is. I think some of the dialogue could have a quicker pace as well. I'd like to see some quick retorts between Molly and Heath, maybe a commentary on what the tour guide is saying and their reactions to it? I think if you had a bit more of Molly being irritated by Heath then his moments of being sweet and asking how she is would stand out more.
Hope this is helpful!
Emma x
Author's Response: I really adore writing Molly, and I think that shows. Out of the four chapters I've posted so far for this story, the ones from Molly's point of view have definitely received more excitement. It makes me a little sad for Heath though, but I think, given time, people will warm up to him as well - hopefully.
Molly is a lot like her father in certain aspects. Despite her frustrations from the first chapter, she loves her parents, and the influence that Percy has had on her life is huge. She's just reached that point in her life where she's wondering what that means in terms of who she really is and what she really wants. Does she want to be defined as her father's daughter? Does she want this life that others expect her to have? Those are really interesting questions to explore in her character for me.
Molly and Heath's relationship is one of my favourite aspects of this story. They're so much fun to write together, especially when I get to write them from both sides.
WHO KNOWS THESE THINGS ABOUT THE SILVER DRAGON? Actually, I do but NO SPOILERS. And Heath was weirdly mature in that scene - for reasons that shall be revealed later, of course ;)
I skimmed over a lot of things in this chapter, including all of those things that you have mentioned. Thank you so much for all your wonderful feedback! I really appreciate it :)
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 03/24/2014
I love the difference between Heath and Molly. Molly is sort of strict and straight-forward and she's a no nonsense type of girl, he is just the complete opposite of that. I love how Heath's so confused around London. Molly is all ""of course I know where all of these things are I visited them daily when I went to school"" and she's just so I'm impressed with Heath and his plans for traveling. Her reaction to finding out that they're going to Stonehenge first is so hilarious because she's just so bored, she was expecting this great adventure and instead what she gets is Stonehenge as their first visit. Heath on the other hand is so excited for it because he's never traveled before you so he completely ignores Molly's ""are you serious"" attitude right now.
Molly is this sarcastic and almost a serious person, and Heath is this little boy in a candy store. The contrast between the two of them is really great and it just makes the story about 10 times more hilarious because of that.
That Beards and Sandals guy is one heck of a character though. I mean I have never come across a character like that in fanfiction before so it was nice to get some new personalities into the story. Molly however does not seem to agree with that because she was just so done the entire time. You could feel her disdain and how incredulous she found everything that he was saying through the chapter and I think that's really great because you don't always get the feeling of what the character is feeling in the story so well done on that.
But anyway I really enjoyed the chapter and awesome job on it.
Author's Response: I love writing the dynamic between Heath and Molly. They're similar and different in just the right ways and that makes for a lot of fun. Heath at Kings Cross is like the best thing ever. He's sort of trying to get things done so as not to look like a complete noob in front of Molly, but he's just so confused about all things British!
Molly's reaction to travel is a normal reaction, I think. Travelling is great and you come back with these great memories, but not every moment is filled with awesomeness and adventure.
Socks and Sandals is one of my fave characters of all time, I think. I adored writing him as this hippie surfer dude who is actually quite intelligent and a little clairvoyant because he can. Molly is like the teenager who is perpetually angry at the world. I love her so much for it!
Thanks so much for reading!
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 03/16/2014
And I'm back again for another chapter!
I completely sympathise with Molly in the start of this chapter. People who are running late are absolutely the death of me, and even more so when they're in their own house! Well, at least she got to appreciate Raj's off-key singing while she waited. :P he's adorable and I really like him - I know they're leaving and all but I really hope he still shows up later in the story. ""Raj the wannabe soprano"" - that's great.
It's good that Molly at least recognises that Heath doesn't deserve the anger she's directed at him, but can't help but dislike him nonetheless. I still can't believe they had to go through training camp in a skirt and heels - I definitely wouldn't have enough grace for that!
Their tour guide is so weird, but so entertaining. He seems a bit like Trelawney, but replacing all of her phrases about death and despair with words like ""rad"" and ""awesome."" I feel so embarrassed for Molly, having this strange guy talk about her ""aura"" as she's surrounded by other people, and even bringing up her partner in this journey, which I'm assuming is a reference to Heath, in both the travel way and ... maybe something more?
This method of travel is really strange, and I have the feeling that because they said, ""what else could go wrong,"" they'll end up in Antarctica or something completely off the wall like that. Oh well, I guess I'll have to wait for the next chapter to find out!
This was another really great chapter, and I'm looking forward to reading the next one!
-ShadowRose (Taylor)
(Blackout Battle review 19/20 on opposite house)
Author's Response: Back again! *throws confetti*
I hate late people too! Once or twice is understandable, but you know the people who are late all the time - one of the reasons I go insane. Raj is adorable. He's such a dork sometimes. I don't really know if we'll get to see him again here - the chances are very high, though! I love him too much to abandon him.
Her dislike stems from the fact that they're still practically strangers. They just don't know each other. However time will tell if she ever gets over her dislike for him... I don't know how she managed to navigate an obstacle course in a short skirt and heels. She's obviously top Auror material!
Haha! I'd never really thought of Socks and Sandals like Trelawney, but now that you mention it, I can see the similarities. He'd be like her happier hippie twin or something! I'd be pretty embarrassed with someone talking about my aura too. She handles herself well though, in typical Molly style. And we'll just have to wait and see if Heath ever becomes something more than a travel buddy... It's early days yet :P
Whenever someone says ""what could possibly go wrong?"" Always expect the world to end. Molly seems to have the right idea with being a little distrustful of the rocks. I'd run screaming in the opposite direction personally.
Thanks for the lovely review!
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 03/14/2014
Hi there, back again! I'm really enjoying the chance to read this story for the Blackout Bingo!
Haha, I loved the way that you started writing this chapter, with Molly waiting for Heath and being assaulted by Raj's awful singing! I felt a bit sorry for Heath there, actually, because he seemed really prepared to be friendly and nice to Molly, but she was all grumpy and rejected his niceness. I think she's going to have to change and develop a lot in this story, especially if the rest of this chapter is anything to go by!
Oh my goodness, I can't even believe that you wrote about the first Molly Weasley as a hippy! The images I now have in my head from that are absolutely hilarious, and the whole chapter was full of funny moments which made me laugh (cue awkward moments because I'm reading this in public).
I loved the fact that they started off the journey at Stonehenge, and that you picked up on the culture differences between Heath and Molly. But the descriptions were brilliant, especially if you've never been there before! The hippy guy that showed them around was fantastic and made me laugh so much but I was really intrigued about what he said about the two of them being partners - does it mean romantically? :P
Then there's the fact that Stonehenge is just this giant portal, so I'm excited about where they'll end up. And then there's the fact they don't seem to be using traditional magical travel which is really cool!
Sian :)
Blackout Bingo review 10/20
Author's Response: I'm a bad singer and therefor Raj too is a bad singer. Poor Raj, having his author's more terrible qualities pushed upon him! Heath's just really chill and then he meets Molly who basically hates the world right now and he doesn't really know what to do with that. It makes for an interesting dynamic.
Wouldn't it be totally awesome if the first Molly Weasley was a hippie, though? Totally awesome, and you can see how her romance with Arthur might be influenced by that!
I'm really bad with description, so that you thought that it was done well means a lot to me! And who knows with these two if it's going to be romantic or not? ;P
In my head, Stonehenge can be nothing but an ancient transportation device. That is the only reason one would build a circle of stones in the middle of the English countryside! No one else can convince me otherwise!
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 03/13/2014
Hi again!
I am back to revel in the awesomeness that is this story! Okay first, I still love Raj. It's not his fault he's slightly off-key! And anyways, how would Molly know it's off-key if he's not even singing in English, huh? Explain me that! Okay, he's off-key, I just wanted to feel better about my singing. :P
This chapter was great and I loved the dynamic between Molly and Heath. The fact that Molly double and even triple checks some things, and that she has to pair up with someone who is perpetually late and has probably forgotten a dozen things, is really interesting and I'm so excited to see where this goes!
I adore Socks and Sandals. I adore him just slightly less than Raj, but I adore him nonetheless. I think you've perfectly captured the naturalist/hippie/slightly crazy/surprisingly smart personality in a tour guide, which makes him even more rad, dude! (How's that for an impersonation?)
Also, the little tour that Socks and Sandals took them on sounds uber cool and I wish I could go on a tour like that, where the wind all but stops and time passes by too quickly to notice.
It was really cool to see Heath and Molly quasi-working together, or more aptly, Molly isn't constantly at Heath's throat. And then to see Heath make Molly take a risk like taking that port-key like that? It's really cool to see such perfect character growth, since Molly seems to listen to Heath and try something new, even though she's really scared.
I just really loved this chapter. Great job, I'm off to read the next!
Lo:)
Gryffindor vs Slytherin Blackout Battle Round 3 Review 3/20
Author's Response: Raj continues to be amazing. I don't know when we'll see him again... In this story, but he almost definitely will get a companion piece. He's just too wonderful to waste as a secondary character!
Writing the dynamic between Heath and Molly has been interesting. They're two complete strangers who've suddenly been forced into intimate company for an extended period of time. They still don't know if they even like each other or not but they're getting there.
Socks and Sandals came to me in a rare moment of inspiration and he was just too awesome not to write down immediately! I love writing him - even the craziest of caricatures have hidden depths!
I really really want to go to Stonehenge myself and see how much I got right and wrong. Maybe one day...
Their relationship is still in its infancy but the way they form attachments reveals a lot about their characters, as you shall see in future chapters!
Thanks so much!
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 03/02/2014
Oh gosh! A late Heath in his own home! Never mind that I can sometimes resemble that... *hides* The singing on the loo was crazy funny, as were all of the reasons that Molly decided to agree to this trip. Wait. SEVENTY DAYS??? That's a looong time.
Those little details of yours are absolutely adorable. An obstacle course in a short skirt?? You've got to be kidding me! At least we know she's been trained well. I hope she doesn't have to use it all up on their first day out.
""Raj the wannabe soprano"". Snort.
You wrote the banter between these two really well. I can see that they're trying to get to know each other while pretending not to enjoy it. Very funny! Though you do bring up valid points about Salem and the Sorting Hat. Too true! And the bit with the chocolate frogs... eww! But a great way to make more connections. :)
Ahhh, Agatha - insidiously creeping into Molly's head to push her onwards towards adventure with chocolate frog man! Excellent!
Socks and Sandals had me in stitches! Where do you find your ideas for these absurd caricature characters?? And then something happens. Inside Stonehenge! Mysterious predictions! (Does Heath have a Silver Dragon tattoo hidden somewhere?)
And three elements already! And another chapter!
Author's Response: I hate people who are running late in their own house! I don't understand how that can happen. Maybe it's a case of ""the closer you are to your destination, the later you'll be"". And seventy days is a really long time. I've set myself up for the long haul.
The obstacle course was so sexist. I could feel my inner feminist getting enraged as I wrote the scene.
Raj is in fact a marvellous tenor. Molly is obviously tone deaf. I hate people talking trash about my baby Raj.
... I'm WAY too attached to Raj :P
I loved taking the opportunity to poke a little fun at the wizarding world in that conversation between Molly and Heath. And that chocolate frog scene was my attempt at writing something better suited to a book for twelve year olds. It was too much fun, which meant it worked for me!
Socks and Sandals came to me in a rare moment of inspiration. He was perfect for what I wanted him to do. His stereotype makes it even less likely for anyone to believe that Stonehenge is a giant transportation device. And yes - about that silver dragon...
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 03/01/2014
Howdy, partner! The Blackout Battle gave me an excuse to finally come back and leave you another review. Woo hoo!
First... WARTHOGS. :D I died.
Witty banter for the win. Seriously. Heath and Molly are just a delightful pair. Heath seems so well meaning, despite his annoying tendencies, but Molly is so skeptical. It makes for awesome humor.
I really enjoyed the spiritual/otherworldly atmosphere of Stonehenge. It seems to be an entirely new form of magic. Socks and Sandals was hilarious and at first I thought he was just going to tell them a bunch of theories and burn incense and that it would be silly--but something deeper is happening here. I'm really curious as to where they will end up in the next chapter.
And finally, all the little details that you throw into your writing are great. The bit about the emergency tampons made me giggle. And Raj singing on the toilet. Also, the Star-Spangled Order of Merlin (or whatever it was) was interesting, as was the reaction to it as sounding like some old rock band. Another bit that stuck with me was Molly ""valiantly"" holding back an unexpected laugh. These little details really bring the story to life. You are clearly a thoughtful writer and as your reader I appreciate that.
I'll be back for chapter four soon!
xx Gina
Author's Response: Partner! So lovely to hear from you! Now you have reminded me to go read Hourglass, which I have been neglecting :(
Haha! I'm glad you liked that little addition. Warthogs makes a lot more sense as a word than Hogwarts, namely, that it's real.
You found the dialogue witty? I am so relieved. I always try, but sometimes I worry about coming across as trying too hard... or not hard enough. I'm so happy that you found it to work!
I loved writing Stonehenge that way! It's always been this really mystical/spiritual kind of place for me, and having someone like Molly experience that sort of feeling from it was an opportunity I couldn't pass up to show another side of her character. And Socks and Sandals is just... he knows his stuff, despite his terrible fashion sense.
You think I'm a thoughtful writer? OMG *DIES OF FLATTERY OVERLOAD* I'm blushing so hard right now. That means so much to me, you have no idea.
... Now I've just come off as a little creepy. I'm not usually this creepy, I promise - just in reviews, sometimes.
Thanks so much for reading :)
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 02/10/2014
REVIEW TAG! :) I've missed being your secret santa and reading about your crazy characters. :(
Okay, and now I'm getting this really odd sense because I'm 100% sure I read this chapter before and 50% sure I left a review on it. But... did I?? Did the review get removed (for some reason...) or not post properly? Did I dream I posted it? Inception? WHAT IS HAPPENING AHHH!
Sorry, minor freakout there. :P No worries, I loved this chapter regardless so don't mind (possibly) re-writing it. :P First of all, I love how you've sent them to Stonehenge for the first stop, and Molly's sense of anti-climax when she realizes they're not going very far at all. :P
Heath and Molly's banter is hilarious as well, and I love the cultural differences between America and Britain. Not everybody realizes it, but they have a huge impact!
""No,"" Molly replied, offended. You didn't see her making fun of his stupid school. Who went and built a school in a town known for persecuting witches, anyway? Hahaha, this is a really good point. The Hat would seem ridiculous/does seem ridiculous, and I liked how Molly got all defensive of Hogwarts. She's so funny.
The story about Henry Zhang really made me laugh, as did that whole incident. Okay, I remember commenting on this in my (ghost) review and you responding to it in your (ghost) response. Did this happen?? Sorry. :P
Even after all they'd been through as a society, from the bubonic plague, to widespread witch hunting, to the most evil person ever to exist since possibly the dawn of the dinosaurs, a trip down to a pile of stone as old as writing was probably incredibly exciting stuff. This sentence was really brilliant, I loved it. All the historical and cultural references, as goofy as some of them may be, really remind me how awesome traveling is and what a brilliant writer you are.
I love how you've tied in Muggles visiting Stonehenge with the wizarding side of the tourism, and how they sometimes have to cooperate. It's also cool how the wizarding aspects of it are tied in to make it all the more magical. Socks and Sandals makes me a little suspicious, but he's also a fantastic character and I wouldn't mind having him as a tour guide.
""I prefer unstoppable."" I thought this was a great line in reference to the summary - loved it!
I'm so excited to find out what happens next. You write this story so well and it's really entertaining and brilliant. I'm glad I got the chance to come back and reminisce on my ghost review which may or may not have happened. :P Amazing job, I'll definitely be back for the next chapter soon! :)
Author's Response: Aww! That's so sweet of you :)
I ALSO REMEMBER THIS REVIEW. A GHOST HAS STOLEN IT.
For their first destination, I wanted to choose the most anti-climactic place I could, but still have it be cool. Stonehenge seemed like a good fit :P
Being neither American nor British, I'm having a lot of fun writing all the cultural differences. I get to poke fun at both of them!
The Sorting Hat always scared me a little, and when I talk about HP to friends who haven't read it, they look at me really strangely for getting all exciting about a talking hat that reads minds. Those are the basis for Heath's reactions.
I definitely remember reading about you telling me how you thought that the frogs were going to be alive once they were thrown up and that would be really gross. I think I sat there and cringed at the idea - although, it has merit...?
Okay, basically that sentence is me being a huge nerd. I couldn't help letting that slip in. Who else knows that Stonehenge is older than the first forms of writing so far discovered? Nerds. I'm glad you think it worked :)
All of the places they're visiting are in the Muggle world. The idea is that all of these things were built before the Statute of Secrecy, so wizards and muggles still hung out with each other and built cool things together. I like playing around with that idea - still collaborating, but in secret. Socks and Sandals is like the best tour guide ever. He was an absolute blast to write.
""I prefer unstoppable.""
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 01/20/2014
Can you write a romantic comedy movie? Because I feel like you'd be really really good at it! ;)
Ok, so just to start off, all great ideas do come to sitting on a toilet seat. ;)
I want to bring up something that confused me just a little bit though. When Molly said ""100 miles is 100 miles"" and Heath was confused, I didn't understand since miles is a very American measurement (unless my eyes really misread meters or whatnot). Because he does describe Dennis as being 2 meters tall in the last chapter, so it was a little confusing as to which metric system he actually knew. :) that's all I was confused on though. The conversation in General was pretty hilarious though. And I thought we Americans were the only ones who drove on the right side of the road? With the exception of maybe two other small countries haha. Shows how much I know!
Otherwise, this chapter was perfect in every way. Socks and sandals, or bear and sandals (nice touch on them noticing two different aspects of the hippie by the way) is awesome. I love how he predicted Molly's journey and I want to see where Heath is hiding his silver dragon tattoo/necklace/token of some kind haha.
I think what you did with Stonehenge was really cool, and the fact Molly was a little afraid of it while Heath was ready to go just helped your characterization even more. I love these two characters and I love this story! You're doing a great job and I'm so ready to move on to the next chapter! :D
~Mae
Author's Response: Hahaha! Thank you so much for the compliment! Alas, screenplays aren't exactly something that I can write :(
All my best ideas somehow involve bathrooms. They're great thinking spaces!
With the measurement thing, Britain uses the metric system, but the Wizarding community there uses the imperial system. You're right that in America the imperial system is used, but to make the Wizarding community of America a sort of analogue to the British one, I had them using the opposite system of measurement - metric, just for one. And actually, most of the world really does drive on the right side of the road!
I'm neither confirming nor denying that Heath is the Man with the Silver Dragon :P
Stonehenge seems like the perfect teleportation device. I can't actually believe that it isn't one in real life. I hope it is.
Thanks so much for reading and reviewing!
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 01/19/2014
Hi!! I'm here for our review swap!! Sorry for the lateness (?)!
Okay, firstly I was super excited to read this and it so didn't disappoint! Great job!
Firstly, characterisation continued to be super awesome! LOVING MOLLY! GAH! She's awesome! Love her line, ""You're insufferable."" And how Heath replies, ""I prefer unstoppable"" was perfection! Eep! They are so cute together and have great chemistry! Lovely! And I was giggling and 'aw'ing at the small romantic touches in this story!
Description continues to be awesome! Lovely! It controls the flow perfectly! I would've loved to see some more during Socks and Sandals (HILARIOUS) predictions? Just a thought :)
Plot! Gah! Perfect! To be honest, I'm a bit hesitant at reading stuff outside of England and featuring almost none of the main next gen characters, but I loved this!! Awesome! CANT WAIT TO READ THE NEXT ONE! Will get around to it soon :)
Anyway, awesome! Thank u for the super awesome review swap! Your writing style is improving so so much (not that it wasn't jaw dropping in the first place)! On that note, please PM me when u update Not Normal! :D
-ReeBee :D
Author's Response: Hello!
:D So happy that you weren't disappointed!
I'm glad Molly is relateable. She's supposed to be relateable and it's so great that you like her! And of course I had to include a reference to my summary! Otherwise it doesn't really make sense :P
Thanks for the tip. I rewrote the Socks and Sandals prediction scene three times, so it can definitely go through another edit!
I'm excited about taking it out of England and just exploring other Wizarding communities!
Thank you so much! There's always room to grow, and I'm so happy that you think my writing has improved! That is like the best compliment ever!
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 01/15/2014
So, last night I totally thought I reviewed this, but then this morning I realized I didn't. Though now I'm wondering if it was my subconcious doing it so I'd have to come back and re-read this fabulous chapter!
I mean, I really didn't mind re-reading it, it was worth it! I think that Molly is hilarious. She really is. I love that she wants to get away from her family, and be different, but then she's so cynical about EVERYTHING. It's just perfect. And Heath is too funny, not understanding Platform 9 3/4 and The Sorting Hat and then the whole Chocolate Frogs thing. Oh my golly. It was just very well done.
I can't wait for the next chapter! I really can't! I'm a little upset that there will be no more of Raj singing off-tune in a shower, but that's okay. Because all there was is silence, so now Molly and Heath are in silence somewhere in the world, and Molly so did not want to use that portkey. This will be very interesting! I can't wait to see what you do.
xoxo LL
P.S I'm so sorry that this review was all gush and nothing constructive but I just couldn't help myself.
Author's Response: Seeing how long it's taken me to reply, I really can't hold that against you :P
I'm glad that you think Molly is funny. She's probably as angsty as I've ever made a character, but I still wanted her to be relateable and a little... dorky, I guess. And Heath can be forgiven since he didn't grow up in Britain. Culture clashes are bound to occur.
I'm a little sad to see Raj go as well. He's actually got some potential to have his own story, so we'll see. We haven't seen the last of Raj for sure!
Thanks so much for the wonderful review (my ego totally didn't mind all the compliments :P)
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 01/14/2014
That is just a trifecta of badness: singing off-key, loudly, and in a foreign language.
I really like the idea of Molly idolizing her supervisor. There's so many stories (RL and fiction) where a boss or a supervisor is portrayed in an overpowered and egotistical light. It's nice to see a character play a strong role as a boss, enough so to cause another character (as an employee) to look up to them. It's a special relationship that has specific and very clear boundaries and it provides me with a ton of entertainment. That supervisor being Dennis Creevey is just icing on the cake. It also provides for grounds to influence a character to do something that they may not necessarily want to, but will essentially be necessary (or, in the least, helpful) to the plot, much like Molly acting as Heath's bodyguard.
Anyway (sorry about the rant), now it is officially time for me to state the obvious and say, whoo it's adventure time!! Tent--check, socks--check, something ominous in the near future--check! Stonehenge...I'm probably becoming excited prematurely but, what the hey, Stonehenge!
Wow, the conversations...where do I start with the conversations. Toilet seats? I think I'll skip that one ;). Houses as clubs? The singing Sorting Hat? I absolutely love well-executed dialogue! Even if it's just witty, meaninglessness ramblings of measurement systems or some hearty, good-natured teasing, I really love dialogue. You execute dialogue very effectively and, in combination with the clever exchanges, is very entertaining. I could read dialogue like this for hours, plot or no plot (and there is a plot, so that's just a bonus)!
...Socks and Sandals...that's fantastic. It reminds me Heath's focus on Molly's hair in the last chapter, where the immediate dialogue following his descriptor of her fire-forest-hair, where the dialogue tag was ""said the hair"" (or something to that extent). Using a physical attribute in such a way is very clever, so kudos, because it makes me laugh :D!
Using Stonehenge as a transportation device is also very brilliant. The historical relevance to be used as an artifact in such a way is pure awesomeness! Also, cliffhanger! That's not very nice!! Gah!
Anyway, this was brilliant, exciting, and humorous. Fantastic job!
-Rumpel
Author's Response: I can completely relate to Raj here as I am just as guilty of singing badly, loudly, and not in English.
Dennis is more than her supervisor, I suppose. He's her mentor and that makes all the difference. There are all kinds of relationships when there's a disparity in power, and mentor/mentee ones are probably one of my favourites to explore. And I liked the idea that after Hogwarts Dennis became an Auror to honour his brother's memory. Obviously, he'd be good enough at his job to start teaching other graduates!
Adventure time, indeed! And of course, I went and chose the least-dangerous place I could think of to kick it all off.
Thank you! I do love writing dialogue, but the story's still quite new, so I'm not as comfortable writing the dialogue between these two as I would like to be. It works out well though, because I get more comfortable writing Heath and Molly together, they get more comfortable with each other as well!
I deliberately chose to describe strangers by their physical aspects. What people look like is really all you have to go with when you first meet them.
I'd love it if Stonehenge actually was a teleportation device. It has all the hallmarks of being one, so I was helpless - there really was no other option :P
Thank you for reading!
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 01/11/2017
I read the first chapter of this a long time ago and loved it, so I'm really excited to be back and reading more of it.
Heath seems like a cool character. Please tell me though, how he managed to write a coherent article while intoxicated/hungover. I can't even even write a coherent fic review when I'm tired. Also, having just reread the first chapter so I could catch up (I reviewed it like, two years ago), part of me is wondering if Heath is Agatha's former fiance. Based solely on the fact that he's American and something about the family business. It's a long shot but that's my theory and I'm sticking to it.
Dennis Creevey growing up to be really tall and with a booming voice is basically the best thing that's happened so far in this story. XD
Adventuring around the world and writing about it sounds like literally the most amazing job ever. I'm so jealous. But more than that I'm really interested to see how these two work together on their globetrotting adventure!
Author's Response: Heath is great. I'm looking forward to the readers getting to know him better. One of the things that makes him great is his super power of being able to write coherently after a night of inebriation. Lesser mortals can only hope to be such greatness. And IS Heath Agatha's former fiance? WHO KNOWS. (Obviously, I do.)
Writing Dennis Creevey this way gives me great joy.
Molly and Heath do have the best job ever, I agree. I am also exceptionally jealous. Thanks for reviewing :)
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 12/28/2015
Wow. So Heath managed to wake up from his nap after a night of partying/drinking and get his article written? That's pretty impressive! And, I'm guessing it was actually alright if he's now being sent on this amazing trip! This skill needs to be taught!
I did have a suspicion after the first chapter that Agatha's fiance would be making an appearance (you went into a lot of detail for her fiance if he was just meant to be a side character with no other mention!). So happy to see that I was right! Because that just means drama for the future!! I wonder when Molly will figure out who he is!
I think I do like Molly's perspective a bit more, mainly because she has hilarious comments/thoughts. But, I do like Heath's character as well! He seems quite a lot more carefree than Molly, but I do see that they have many similar traits as well. Both are written so well though!!
Great job with this chapter!
-Your Secret Snowflake
Author's Response: Heath has a secret superpower that I want really badly. What even, Heath. What even.
IS HEATH THE MYSTERY FIANCE?!?!??!!(Yes, of course! You are correct. You win a doughnut!)
I enjoy writing Molly a bit more, simply because I get where she's coming from and Heath... is a little strange. But, when I was thinking up this story, Heath grew on me more and more, so I hope he will grow on you as well over time - like a fungus!
Thanks for the wonderful review my lovely Secret Snowflake :)
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 10/24/2015
Okay so I love Heath. HOW did he manage to write something while practically passed out? Could he share that super-power please? I need that in my life.
Also, it's awesome that, for once, this story deals with breakups but doesn't have all that snotty crying and depression, but a huge load of sass instead. I'm really enjoying that.
That assignment from the Daily Prophet is awesome. I'd love to do that trip. And even though Molly really doesn't seem too happy about it, I think it may just be the perfect thing for her to do.
I'll head to the next chapter now.see you there.
xxx
~Anja
Author's Response: Heath has a REAL magical talent and I want it really bad. Maybe he's an X-man? Or perhaps an Inhuman...
The crying and depression, whilst having it's place in stories, is not the focus. Both Molly and Heath aren't doing all that because they were ready to move on. They want other things from their lives now. And of course they're sassy instead. Sass is great!
The trip actually sounds wonderful! I really want to do it as well :P I think I'm living vicariously through my characters...
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 02/18/2015
Hello Again,
I'm here with another requested review from the forums.
I thought chapter 2 was interesting. The set up for Molly and Heath to fall in love was well-written. The flow in general throughout the chapter was pretty smooth.
Heath's character was fairly authentic to a guy in his early to mid twenties. The night of drinking and hung over morning sounded like something out of my own college years. I do find him to be a bit grating at this point, but I feel like that's a good thing because I'll have a chance as a reader to grow to love him as Molly does.
A few minor critiques:
I lost count of how many times you repeated Dennis Creevey's name. It seemed like for the entire middle section of the story every few sentences started with his name. I would maybe vary that a bit because it did get a bit redundant.
I also thought the first part of the chapter, where the two friends are discussing their drunken night could use a bit more detail. Most of it is dialogue, so it reads really quickly. Perhaps slow it down a bit with some more descriptive sentences. Maybe add some detail about his break up.
In closing, I felt this was another solid chapter. I like the direction it is headed and am looking forward to reading the next 2 chapters (although they'll have to wait until tomorrow)
~TreacleTart
Author's Response: Heya again!
I'm glad you liked Heath's introduction. And flow was a big issue for me in this one, since I jump settings in the second half.
Heath is also supposed to be super typical. And I think it's a good thing that you find him a little annoying at this point - he is a bit annoying from time to time.
Too many Dennis Creevey's? Probably true. Certainly a problem. Thanks for letting me know.
Ah, the first part reads as a little rushed? Gah, I'm so terrible with description, but I've made a note of it again so that I can beef it up a little. Thanks for the suggestions.
Thanks so much for the lovely review :)
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 02/17/2015
Beginning reading this chapter was rather confusing, considering your OCs, however I was intrigued by the raptor between Heath and Raj, and keen to read on. It was surprising a little way through that Heath's voice suddenly acquired an American accent! Raj was indeed a breath of fresh air with subtle humour and a rather conserved nature.
There was however, one phrase that stood out to me, which was ""How much had he had to drink last night"" to which the character simply repeated this statement. It would have perhaps been better to adjust these phrases slightly, rather than repeating yourself. Also, I though that Heath's sudden snapping at Molly was a little out of context and unexpected, but perhaps slightly understandable.
Your description of dream to awakening however also really stood out as a good choice of wording. It created an image that reminded me of previous, rather arduous awakening that most people will endure at some point in their lives.
I did enjoy the relationship between Molly and Heath however, and I think there's so many places that they could go, it'll be interesting to see what you decide.
Many thanks
Author's Response: Ah, yes. I can see how the start can be a bit confusing, since I just drop two new OCs into the story with no warning. Sorry about that! But I am glad that you enjoyed the relationship between Heath and Raj.
Thank you for that CC! I'll keep it in mind when I go back to edit this chapter.
I'm so pleased you enjoyed the waking up sequence. I just tried to channel my usual feelings when I wake up. You're right - it can be an incredibly arduous process.
Thank you so much for this lovely review. I hope you enjoy the places Molly and Heath will go :)
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 08/16/2014
Hello again!
Here you led with Heath (who I'm assuming is going to become involved with Molly over the course of their little adventure 'round the globe). Again you gave him a distinctive characterization which I thought was positive. As you mention in your A/N, he's obviously also breaking from expectations (though he appears, based on the description that I believe turned out to be about him in Chapter 1, to have had that more in him from the word go than Molly). I definitely don't mind that similarity, but I will admit that the fact that both are recently exiting serious relationships and the time-frame suggested by your title for their relationship to develop, feels a bit...convenient. Perhaps the development, given your strength with characterization and word choice will overshadow that, but only time will tell.
I'm interested to see what I encounter next chapter.
Author's Response: Is it too spoiler-y of me to say that it's a bit obvious and also not obvious (somehow at the same time) where Heath and Molly's relationship ends by the end of this story? I don't know.
Heath and Molly are similar in a lot of ways - like you've mentioned, but also very different - in the ways you've mentioned. As to their relationship status... I have to figure out a way to address this without spoilers, but for the moment, I'm going to leave people to their musings. But you're definitely right - time will tell how people react to these two. Hopefully decent writing makes up for anything too glaringly annoying.
Thanks for reviewing :)
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 08/14/2014
Hello! Back again for more review swapping (and also because I can't keep away from your wonderful story).
I often don't like it that much when stories switch POVs, but this one works. You've made Heath really likeable and it was good to see this through his eyes rather than Molly's. (Something tells me Molly wouldn't have given us an honest representation of who he is...)
This: 'Why had there been a Santa at the pub in July? And why on earth had he called it Dumbledore?' made me laugh. It's like what you did in the last chapter with introducing minor characters, where you show a huge part of somebody's personality in a single sentence, and I really like that. Likewise 'With great power comes great need to take a nap. Wake me up later'. I hope you write more drunk scenes later on, you get them perfectly.
The fact you've not mentioned the name of his ex-fiancee makes me think she's going to be someone interesting? I'm definitely keen to hear more about her.
Ooo I absolutely love that you've made little Dennis Creevey grow up to be a scary man with a rumbling voice. It's like what you did with Percy and his elopement, accepting that people change, and Dennis definitely had some experiences that would change him. It's good to see him with the aurors.
I like that Heath relies on his 'winning smile' to get him places, and like even more that Molly's having none of it. I can see that they're going to have a really interesting dynamic.
I'm guessing there's some danger on the trip that hasn't been mentioned yet? It seems strange for the aurors to get involved with journalism, wouldn't have thought it was really their job description. If you're still planning to come back and rewrite this story that might be something to expand on, just to make it clear why the aurors are willing to give up time and workers for some travel article? I don't know whether you go into more detail later anyway, but it seems to stick out as something that doesn't quite make sense right now.
I really enjoyed this chapter. I think I prefer Molly's POV to Heath's but it was good to hear from him too. The only other thing I'd say is that depending on Raj's role later on in the story it might be nice to see a bit more of who he is? Is her exasperated with Heath or just laughing at him? Did he despise his best friend's fiance or was the break up a shock to him? Little details to expand on your minor characters were really strong in the last chapter and it would be great to see some similar touches with Raj.
I'm still really loving this story and will move straight on to the next chapter.
Lots of love,
Emma x
Author's Response: Hey, hey, hey! I'm so sorry for the late reply - and the complete lack of review swapping actually being done on my part :( I haven't forgotten and I'll be sure to get right onto it as soon as I get the time :)
If you read one of my other stories, the points of view change like people change underwear - except it's actually a lot more often and with a lot less predictability. I've really tried to strike a balance with this story between the two points of view though - trying to grow as an author and all that :P I'm very pleased that you like it!
I have at least one drunk scene planned for later on. I've never really written one properly before, so I'm really looking forward to it. I'm so glad that you like the humour and you find it useful to the story, rather than it just being there for the sake of being there.
And oh, Heath's fiancee... how I love Heath's fiancee... but more on that later ;P
I was really pleased with the way Dennis Creevey turned out. He's someone completely different to the way he is in canon, and I don't usually do that with canon characters but for Dennis, it seemed to fit. Also, there need to be more characters who physically look like Hagrid - the lean Quidditch physique is too popular.
Heath and Molly are great separate. Heath and Molly together are sheer awesomeness to write. Synergy is a wonderful thing for these two.
The real danger on this trip is Heath - he's crazy, as shall be revealed later. But yes, that's definitely a huge plot hole that I must endeavour to fill. Thank you for pointing that out.
Raj... I have plans for Raj. Big, grand plans. You shall be seeing more of Raj in some shape or form, for sure.
Thanks for the lovely review :)
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 04/16/2014
Hello! I remembered reading the first chapter of this story at the beginning of the year and I thought I would come back for more! :)
Ooh, different perspective! And it looks like Molly's going to be stuck with him for a few months as she travels around the world with him... Well, she wanted adventure, so that's what she's going to get, right?! :D
Heath is quite a character! Molly will have her hands full while trying to look after him--she'll have to keep him from falling off pyramids and such, hahaha. I love his friendship dynamic with Raj--Raj is so cool and I feel like he rolls his eyes at Heath a lot. :)
Hm. Heath is one of those journalist types... He has a rich father in America who wants him to take over the family business... He's DEFINITELY Agatha Painsley-Bumbershuffle's fiance--'scuse me, I meant EX-fiance! So little does Molly know that she's going to go on a journey with a ""perfect"" fiance, as he was described in the last chapter, which I reread before reading this one so that I could remember what was going on. :)
I love your style of writing so much! I hope that chapter 5 is coming easily for you, and I also hope that you update Not Normal soon! :D
~UnluckyStar57
For the Huffleclaw-Ravenpuff Eggstravaganza.
Author's Response: Bonjour! Welcome back!
Yes! Different perspective! I love Heath too much not to write from his point of view. No one would like him as much as I do if we only ever saw him from Molly's viewpoint. And Heath has so much adventure packed into his person, that Molly didn't even really need to go off around the world for a little taste of excitement. The poor thing has no idea what she's in for :P
I hope people warm up to Heath the way I did. He's really quite adorable once you get to know him. And there's a spin-off story on Raj in the pipeworks, so there's that to look forward to!
OMG. YOU'RE THE FIRST PERSON TO GET THAT. I thought I was being really obvious about it, but then NO ONE MENTIONED IT. So then I thought I was being really sneaky about it. So shh! Don't tell anyone ;)
Chapter 5 is on the way! Hopefully it will arrive soon! And the next chapter of Not Normal is halfway there! Thanks so much for reading and reviewing :)
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 03/16/2014
Hello! I'm back again for chapter 2!
I love the switch in point-of-view - I wasn't expecting it, but it's great to see the story from a second pair of eyes. I do like Heath as well, he seems similar to Molly, in that they're both in the pursuit of happiness, but they've also got some different traits as well. I feel like Heath is much better at adapting to situations and taking life as it comes, and Molly's a little better with self-control. This trip should be good for them - maybe they'll rub off on one another.
I still really like Molly - she's definitely a powerful force and she's got a lot of passion and fire, but she also knows that maybe Dennis Creevey isn't the best person to fight with on the matter.
Speaking of which, your characterization of Dennis Creevey is probably the best thing ever. He was such a tiny little thing in the series, so the fact that he grew up into a monstrous man with a voice that resembles an avalanche is just too funny. I can definitely see why both Molly and Heath were intimidated by him, though.
Raj is a great character too - he cracks me up! He's got a bit of a motherly streak, but he also let's Heath make some of his own mistakes - although I guess in this case there wasn't too much of a mistake since Heath ended up finishing his article.
Overall, another really great chapter and I enjoyed reading it!
-ShadowRose (Taylor)
(Blackout Battle review 18/20 on opposite house)
Author's Response: Woohoo! Chapter two!
I try to try something different with each WIP I write, and switching POVs every chapter was one of those things for this one. I'm glad you thought it worked - and also that it was unexpected. I'm not really used to writing ""unexpected"" things! You're right in saying that Heat and Molly come from the same sort of place, but yes, they do go about it in different ways. It makes for an interesting dynamic, for sure.
Haha! Maybe Molly doesn't realise how tactful she can be - backing off from a fight with Dennis Creevey seemed like a pretty tactful move to me!
Puberty is funny like that. I really wanted t write Dennis in a way that we might not expect to see him. It made sense that he'd go into the Auror office, and enough time has passed that it was plausible that he was in charge of training new Aurors. Making him a talking mountain was just too good an opportunity to pass up!
Raj probably has a little story to tell, I think. He's been surprisingly popular, and so there's an idea or two floating around in my head now!
Thanks for reading!
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 03/14/2014
Hello! I really enjoyed reading the first chapter of this so I couldn't resist coming back for the second chapter too.
I really liked the way that you changed the point of view for this chapter of the story. I wasn't expecting it to switch from Molly since she's the title character, but I was surprised by how well it worked and impressed with how quickly you helped the reader get a handle on a new character. As before, your writing was of a high standard - your editing is great and I didn't spot any mistakes.
Heath seems quite similar to Molly in some ways; he's obviously frustrated with certain areas of his life and the move he made (for his career?) hasn't been as great as he thought it would be. It was great to see some similarities between them so early on, because it helped me to relate to Heath a bit more. Molly seems more serious about her work though, and I can't imagine her relying on other people like that.
The second part of the chapter was really fun to read. The confrontation between them was brilliantly written and I loved seeing some fire in Molly. This trip is definitely going to be interesting for the two of them - it looks like Molly's life is going to change much more than she hoped!
Sian :)
Blackout Bingo review 9/20
Author's Response: I love changing points of view when I'm writing simply because I get a little bored writing from one character's point of view all the time. I decided to do something a little more structured for this story since my last stab at changing points of view is crazy.
Heath and Molly really are two sides of the same coin, which is really cool to write because they approach the same situation from really different directions despite having many of the same frustrations.
This trip is definitely going to be a blast - hopefully metaphorically, but knowing Heath like I do, probably not ;P
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 03/13/2014
Hi!
Well, I absolutely love Heath, just as much as I love Molly. Heath just seems so... carefree. I think he could teach Molly quite a bit on that front. But I think Molly could also teach him a little bit considering his, ah, well let's just say his ability to party a little bit *too* hard. I think she could be a really good asset as a chaperon.
It's a little sad to see that Heath broke off an engagement with little remorse. I'd like to see exactly why, since he seems so nonchalant about it now, so hopefully it's in the chapters to come. I'm sure he has his reasons though, although if not, you've certainly developed a wonderful character with quite a few flaws (which is great and I applaud you for such a three-dimensional character).
Ooh, Raj! Can I just say I utterly adore him? He's like a little bunny I just want to keep. I love his patience and matronly attitude towards Heath, but also that he doesn't govern his friend's life and lets him mess up and have to deal with the consequences sometimes (even though this time Heath actually managed to finish the article, so I guess no actual consequences this time). I also love how he can do the eyebrow thing (along with Molly).
And Dennis Creevey! Little bitty Dennis is now a mountain with a voice so powerful he can silence an entire room! I loved those little details and your characterization of him is one of my favourite things... ever!
This was a great chapter and I'm so excited to read on. Your premise is strong and interesting, your character are amazingly developed, your writing style (as usual) has me hooked, and I'm just very much in love with this.
Great job!
Lo:)
Gryffindor vs Slytherin Blackout Battle Round 3 Review /20
Author's Response: Heath is an absolute joy to write. He's very different to any other character I've written. You're right in saying that he's carefree, but there's also this other quality to him that makes him more adorable than your average carefree dude. And we all know that Molly's going to end up as his chaperone! This bloke really can't look after himself soemtimes!
More about Heath's fiancée shall definitely be revealed. I don't know how you'll feel about her, but I think there'll be some surprise and then some ""of course. Who else?""
Raj is surprisingly vey popular. I was not expecting that. Obviously he has a bright future ahead of him in a fic! I have a few ideas already... And I just realised that all my main female leads can do the eyebrow thing, which is really strange, because I can't.
I loved giving Dennis the ultimate puberty! It was so much fun yet slightly heartbreaking writing him this way. But oddly fitting at the same time.
I'm glad you enjoyed this little story of mine!
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 03/02/2014
I love how you start us off with a fresh character straight away! This is obviously the guy we need to keep our eyes on, yeah? He seems like he's not in a very happy place either. Ahh, I'd be so afraid to read that article now... did he really write it half-sloshed?
I'm also loving how you're bringing in some of our well-loved canon characters as adults into this Next-Gen world. I think that's what I miss the most when I read Next Gen - I mean, I know that the main characters are generally the younger, active people, but what happened to all those other people that have grown up? Dennis' appearance was great here.
Oh no! He thinks her hair is on fire! This cannot be a good start.
""Heath's gaze wandered back down towards her face, only to be arrested by a rather aggressive stare form a pair of hazel eyes.""
Maybe it's better than I thought. Err... okay, I take that back. Molly's being roped into something she knows very little about. I'm sure she'll take that well... not. Haha!
Heath seems like the overly
Author's Response: Heath is one of my all time favourite characters to write. He's just so adorably... Adorable. And Heath is DEFINITELY the man. He's in a very similar situation to Molly, but they're two different people who don't quite realise that. It causes some conflict, as can be expected. And I don't even want to think about that article. Can you imagine the grammar?
I couldn't resist bring Dennis Creevey into this! And writing him as almost a different person was wonderful but also heartbreaking at the same time because life changes you and it hurts you sometimes in the process.
Fiery hair = good start. Hair on fire? Not so much. ;)
It's actually strange the way she handles this little adventure. But more on that later...
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