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Delaney,
I love the setting of the Triwizard Tournament for your story. It was such an interesting time - not quite as dark as when we get into the later years, but with plenty of excitement and tension.
You set up Michelle’s mysterious backstory right away. I don’t know who her half-brother is, but there are a few hints thrown in for me to think about. “Their dad was tortured into insanity when she was ten.” Is it Neville? (Later, you mention her ‘strict gran’, so I’m going to say yes - she’s a Longbottom…except an adopted Turner.) Her going into hiding is dark, too. Yet more mystery to figure out.
Michelle seems nice enough on the outside - pleasantly greeting Percy even while being unhappy to be stuck next to him. I’d love to see more of her internal dialogue as she goes through her events. What she’s feeling and thinking as the events of the Triwizard Tournament develop around her? What is her internal reaction to the unveiling of the cup and the unexpected twist of Harry’s name being pulled from the flames? Why does she insist on calling Ludo Bagman by his last name?
You do a great job painting how Michelle’s circumstances color how she looks at the world. She knows she’s the daughter of a teen pregnancy, she doesn’t have her biological father’s name, and she has a series of magical and not magical half-siblings. You’ve still given her a very close and loving relationship with her mother and even have her longing for more family connections (i.e. a younger brother). It makes her character very relatable and likable.
I also enjoyed the mention of Charlie and judging by the tags on the story, it seems to be the beginning of a slow-burn romance or maybe a rekindled one.
Some suggestions to really add some depth to the wonderful story you’ve created here:
-How does Michelle know what Neville looks like? Does she recognize him from a picture that she has, or does she instantly recognize the sea-green eyes that mirror her own?
-Consider taking Dumbledore’s words in this scene verbatim from GOF. You can just mark them with an asterisk or put a note at the end that they are from there. I think it would add to the immersion of the scene to have the original dialogue - but have Michelle reacting to it as a whole different perspective from Harry’s.
You’ve obviously put a great deal of thought and effort into developing and writing this story. Thanks so much for putting yourself into these characters and then sharing it with us.
-Drew
For the Galazy review - rising through the ranks
hiya,
here for the galazy reviewing event :)
yay! it was lovely to get to see michelle building on her relationship with neville! they had a lovely chat and they seem to be making a connection over some shared similarities of theirs. michelle seems to be making progress with bonding with him. i thought she was very blunt when she mentioned her/neville's father were being totured but she is deffo quite blunt as a personality.
aww! her chat with charlie was fab. i already love the chemistry and how much they were being a bit flirty. charlie's personality seems really fun loving. so far i'm enjoying his character and i think michelle and charlie have some flirty banter. i love the detail and description that you use for his eyes. that was very nice. i can't wait to see more of them together! i saw sparks here!
Abbi xx
hi!
here for the galazy reviewing event :)
ahh! I can really feel michelle's emotions here like she seems really excited. she is counting down the hours until her meeting. i think that's maybe alsod a sign of a bit of anxiety being mixed in there. conversation with dumbledore, i like how this is a little piece of awkwardness as she is being reminded as a student but she's grown up, the weird feeling 'call me albus'. i liked the meeting with neville. i thought michelle handled in the situation really well, one moment that I really liked was her saying the gran sent angry letters. it honestly seems like sometimes augusta longbottom would do. we know how protective she can be! i sense some chemistry between michelle and kirley!
Abbi xx
Howdy!
Just dropping by for our swap and bang! Neville has a half-sister...it seems you wrote the chapter primarily to emphasize that so color me intrigued...keeping things relatively basic and succinct as far as that goes was a good decision too as this kind of interaction was bound to be a bit awkward - especially for someone like Neville (at this point in life). Also, as just a minor point, I also loved that you got his canonical hair color right.
I did feel the very, very last two sentences were unnecessary (at least here). The continuation of corresponence seems like it could've been more gently addressed in another chapter (possibly the next one depending on the content) and that its predecessor is sort of assumed.
All in all though, your MC continues to have an interesting story and you're keeping the fullness/manner of her arc somewhat shrouded in mystery thus far, which is always a good thing to keep readers coming back.
Thanks for sharing!
Howdy howdy howdy!
Sorry for the delay, but I'm glad to jump in to this story I've seen you (I think) bouncing about the Discord about this one so it was good to see it 'face to face'. Beginning ramble over.
Having an MC who is an assistant to a character like Ludo Bagman is really intriguing from the start and getting that kind of 'administrative' perspective on the tournament also seems like it has a lot of potential. The dynamic between she and her mom is something that will be important to the story going forward (based on the content, presumably in support or at least consultation in this future relationship).
I do think that the non-dialogue portions could do with being built out a bit more. The strongest example of this is at the beginning of the third break, where there's just a few sentences breaking down Michelle's entire day pre-goblet. I understand the why behind it - kind of creating an almost monotony about the day because the goblet moment is the highlight of her day - but given the minimalism in the previous sections of the chapter, it feels sort of rushed. There's a lot to build on in those few sentences that would give it a more immersive feel.
I think you can extend that building out to the other scenes by adding more description to balance the dialogue. At some point or another I started being really dialogue-heavy myself so maybe my war against that aspect of my own writing colors that a bit. Take that FWIW.
Can't wait for Percy to cause personal and professional drama because of his Percy-ing. I can already see it unfolding and even though the HIGHLIGHTED interaction is minimal I was already smiling at the looming dynamic. And how you summed up Percy from the start with his line at the end of the chapter. Oh Percy...
Anyway, I enjoyed reading and after I get my life back under control will hopefully keep on reading as I see you've got a lot more already up.
Hello! Here for the arctic gifting event with a little review! Happy holidays :)
The first thing that I wanted to ask questions about was Michelle's parentage - half-brother at Hogwarts and her Mum was a teenager when she gave birth...so I'm curious as to who her father is/was. At first I was quite shocked when the information was revealed about her father having been tortured into insanity when she was ten years old... OMG - Frank Longbottom??
It's plausible, for sure; we don't have any canon information as to Frank's age, so he could have easily had a relationship with someone before he met and married Alice. I wonder what her parents' backstory is; how and where they met, I'm guessing they must have known each other at school if Frank was a year younger than Barbara? I'm fascinated and hope to find out more!
And there's a hint towards Charlie Weasley? I'm alrready excited for this pairing as I don't come across many Charlie fics at all...I can't wait for the tournament to start and see what happens between Michelle and Charlie :)))
Great start to this story! I'd love to know what house Michelle had been Sorted into at Hogwarts; sorry if it was mentioned in this chapter and I missed it.
Meera <3
Hi Delaney!
I'm here to leave you a review for your wishlist as well as in general since I haven't done so either! So yay for killing two birds with one stone! Anyway, onward with the review!
First and foremost, I really love how the main character, Michelle is a witch that works with Ludo Bagman and I love how they not only get along but that Ludo also insists that she call him by his first name rather than the formal Mr. Bagman. Seems like they would be close. I like how you tell us the events of The Goblet of Fire or at least parts of it through her eyes too so we get to see it in somebody's viewpoint other than Harry's which many of us know. I also like that she considers herself an amateur artist yet she's still enjoys drawing in her sketchbook as a hobby and that she also reads too! It's cool to learn more about the characters and their hobbies outside of work!
Another thing I enjoyed reading was that Michelle and Neville being half siblings and it was great that she was able to see him! I cannot wait to see the interaction between the two of them! Also love that she also interacts with Percy Weasley in this as well! I love her relationship with her mother too seeing as they not only get along well with each other but love how they have such a loving relationship.
One thing I also enjoyed reading and even it may seem like a small detail was the fact that Michelle isn't only half siblings with Neville but that she was adopted and I'm happy to see her in a loving family and that she gets along with them as well. To me, it's a pretty cool detail or part of her story.
If there's something I would suggest in regards to improvement and or what could make the story, I think it would be cool to hear more of Michelle's internal thoughts of what's going around her or hear descriptions of what's happening. Otherwise, I definitely am enjoying the start of this story so far!
Keep up the good work!
-Diana/Di
Delaney! I am here to spread you some holiday cheer! Did you do some revision work on this story? I thought I remembered reading & reviewing this before, but I could be mistaken. Anyway, I think your descriptions of Michelle are really great here. I love when we get small details about original characters like their eye color or insight into their minds or even their backstory like you show here. All of that stuff adds up and really gives us well rounded characters, so great job there!
I really enjoy the inclusion of Percy in this chapter. He's such an underrated Weasley, so I just get really excited when people bring him to the forefront thag you have here.
The bond between Michelle and her mother is lovely! You can tell they're close and given that her mother was a teen mom, and a heavily involved one at that, definitely supports this point! So well done on creating that dynamic here!
This was such an enjoyable start and I will try to come back for a few more reviews, because I definitely want to see Michelle's journey here!
<3 Courtney
Author's Response:I did do some slight revisons on this story. I also accidentally deleted the story and had to repost the what I had posted.
Author's Response:I did do some slight revisons on this story. I also accidentally deleted the story and had to repost the what I had posted.
Hey!
I'm here for some holiday gifting!
So I'm so pleased to read this chapter because I think you've really developed the description/inner monologue for this story which is exciting. You always have such interesting set up for your characters, they always have their place within canon. I love the idea about neville having sister and I'm hoping that we're going to see siblings moments later into this story.
I think Michelle seems like quite a blunt person, at least that's how she's coming across for me. she talks about being product of teen pregnancy and neville's parents being attacked. It's very frank and raw. maybe she just likes to look at the things in a very practical way.
I really enjoyed Michelle's relationship with her mother, there was some cute dialogue in there and they're obviously close which is really nice. I like how her mother teases her. I like the detail of Michelle being creative as well. I also really enjoyed the percy's dialogue about harry always getting ron into trouble. it's so true and seems so perfectly in character for him. This chapter was fun to see a canon moment another pov. can't wait to see michelle and charlie meeting!
abbi xx
Hi Delaney, here for our swap!
I like the way that Dumbledore talks to Michelle here! I think it's super in character for him to have her call him Albus. And yay, she gets to meet her half-brother Neville! You also wrote a great Neville, he seems just as shy as the text, and I like how she is protective over him regarding who I assume to be Malfoy.
Ooohh this Ki character is intriguing, I wonder how they fit into the Triwizard Tournament. I love how she plays her position as Ludo Bagman's employee close to the vest. She has a lot more to show, and I can't wait to hear more from her :)
Another good chapter Delaney!
Catherine
Hi Delaney, I am here for our swap!
I feel like I have already started this, so I'm just going to leave a short little thing here and a more in depth review on chapter 2. I love the suspencse of GOF, and I can't wait to read it through another POV. Michelle seems great, and I love the relationship that she has with her mother. I hope we get to see a bit more of that throughout :)
See you in the next!
Catherine
Author's Response:You probably have read this since I accidentally deleted the whole story. So, the first few chapters might be familiar.
Hi Delaney, I'm here for our review swap! I like the ease in which Michelle and Neville can chat with one another. They seem pretty open with each other for not knowing one another very well, but I think the way you show Michelle's protectiveness makes sense since she was previously bullied. I'd like to know more about Michelle's relationship with Frank as that seems like such a curious dynamic. I wonder how old she was whenever he was tortured and how it affects her. I'm sure it would be pretty traumatic for a kid to learn about and then see the later effects of it.
And ooh, she meets Charlie! <3 Of course, I love their banter already. And Sparky haha. I like that you've given Michelle a hobby as a way to decompress from her work. It gives her an additional layer as a character. :)
One thing that I think would strengthen your writing is to include some of Michelle's internal thoughts and feelings. I want to know more about her and how she feels about herself and the world around her! I'm sure as time goes on though, I'll get a better sense of her.
This is a great start to this story and I'm really enjoying it!
<3 Courtney
Hi!
I love the idea this is happening during the Hogwarts era and that your OC is related to Neville! I also love pairing her with Charlie eventually :)
If you don't mind a little CC, some more description of her surroundings or emotions wouldn't hurt as well as playing around with how you phrase sentences. There was a lot of "She".
I can't wait to read more!
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