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Hello again!
Another great chapter. I loved meeting Lily! Poor James struggling to ask her out. It's nice to see him a bit insecure and flustered, rather than always arrogant.
I enjoyed the slug club scene a lot. Your characterisation of Slughorn is spot on. I have to say I shared his disappointment that Regulus wasn't here though! I'd love to see some interactions between Sirius and Regulus in future chapters.
Clara seems intriguing (and Sirius definitely thinks so!) so I'm interested to see what happens there. What year is Sirius in this fic? I might have msised it being mentioned but couldnt' work it out. Is he a year younger than Clara?
And then that scene with Aubrey at the end made me laugh. You're doing a great job incorporating all these little details we know from canon.
Excited for chapter 3! Jem xx
Hello hello! I'm here for our swap - apologies that it's a bit late!
I loved this first chapter. I'm so impressed by the world you've built up aroudn the details we already know.
The idea of the boys needing to steal dittany makes lots of sense to me. Poor Peter being left on guard duty! But then it's Sirius' fault they get caught because he's so tempted by the drinks. I half expected Slughorn to offer them a quick drink then and there, but the Slug club invite was better.
I like how they've decided to keep their first aid secret from Remus so that he'll let them keep helping him. I hope that one day they'll tell him, but it's sensible for now to keep him in the dark.
And then we get to see the origins of the marauders' map! It makes so much sense that they would have started with a standard map, filling in all the secrets they discover, and that adding in the names would have come later.
This is a great first chapter. I'm excited to see what comes next!
Jem xx
Tag, you’re it!
The marauders are my security blanket, honestly! I’ll never tire of reading them and I so look forward to reading this piece. I tend to review as I read so I might sound a bit incoherent, but I promise it’s because I’m getting excited and squeee..
Ahhh the mirror makes an appearance right up front! Hi there, Prongs! Of course Sirius doubts Peter’s abilities - would he even be Sirius if he doesn’t.
“ridiculous grandeur of the rich and fussy furnishings” - what a perfect way to paint an imagery of Slughorn’s study. This is exactly how his study is likely to look, haha! Of course Sirius takes note and despises the frills and fancies!
Aha, they’re after a potion ingredient. Wonder what they’re up to. Oh wait is it in prep for them to become animagus? Oh maybe not as you pointed out in the next chapter but I see it’s definitely related.
Of COURSE James and Sirius have a booze collection!!! And OF COURSE that would distract them, haha! Trust James’ quick thinking to salvage the situation. That was one smooth move - appealing to all the right spots in Old Sluggy’s brain - the famous dad connection, the inflated importance to the Slug Club and that little buttering up all well done.
Poor Sirius being caught in James’ lie!!! The punctured Quaffle reference was awesome!
Ahaaaa the beginnings of the marauders map idea… I love it!!!! Ooops did he blurt it out? Remus is so sweet - I can totally picture him being amused and then promptly providing ideas to actually make the map, and then flip back to the rational part of his brain only to be talked off the sanity ledge by James Potter.
Love the whole vibes, yay! Can’t wait to read more!! Will this be featuring primarily Sirius POV? Will we see him romancing maybe? Or more angst perhaps? I will take anything with his name on it, honestly!
Until next chapter,
~XOXO Ysh
Author's Response:Ah, thanks so much for the review! I love review as you read reviews, I love hearing what the reader is thinking as they go along. A quick warning, I'm currently re-writing this fic and this is the only chapter completed thus far, so the other chapters will change slightly in the future. And at present, I think there are a couple of things in chapter two that don't make much sense as I changed the first chapter quite a bit.
I'm glad you liked the imagery, it's something I'm working hard on in this re-write as I thought my earlier writing was lacking a little depth. I'm glad at least a bit of that is coming through. The potion was to go in their healing kit for after full moon excursions, at this point they're already Animagi.
And yes, this will be entirely from Sirius POV. Thanks once again!
Hi, Sapphire. I see you're up to twelve chapters now. I'm way far behind, I'm afraid. I like this chapter also.
As I said in my review last May for Chapter 1, you have a very pleasing way of not dishing out the usual characteristics of the Marauders so heavily that they turn into caricatures. Yes, James keep running his fingers through his hair, but you depict it as being more of a nervous habit by a boy dealing with his insecurities, than as a conscious gesture by a boy who is full of himself. And Sirius finds the habit irritating (as do many readers, I would venture to guess).
I also like the human touch you gave to Sirius where he apologized to Peter for having spoken to him unkindly previously. That's not a side of Sirius that we often see in fics, especially in a sightly older Sirius.
Clara and Aubrey look like intriguing characters, for different reason, of course. In just a few words, you have let us know that Aubrey is a Ravenclaw, a Prefect, and a member of his House's Quiddich team. That pretty much sums him up, doesn't it? Convinced of his own superiority and acting like a stuffed shirt. And I'll bet he holds grudges. What does Clara see in him? It looks like she's got it together, so why would she put up with someone who behaves iike Aubrey? They will be an interesting couple to watch.
Good plotting here -- the boys try to talk their way out of detention and end up in detention anyway. A little plot twist at the very beginning of the story. It shows that you are not automatically going down a well-worn path of story structure. I apreciate a story where I can't guess ahead of time what the characters are going to do or say, or where the story will go.
Thsi chapter is mostly just dialogue, except for the head-expanding moment, but you do the dialogue well. Each line contributes something to the story or the characterization of the people in it, so that it is never tedious.
I am enjoying this story and am eager to see how your refreshingly original vision of these characters will unfold. Good job.
Vicki
I did it! I found your reviews! It was in a really obscure place on my computor lol. Anyway, I have until Chapter 7 So I'll share one every once in a while. Here you go:
That was so silly, I laughed out loud.
I loved the idea of reading about the first Dark Mark and
the hint about a relative of Snape's gone missing. Sirius
wanting to add insults to the map if anyone tried to read it
was great too, it called back to the third book wonderfully.
The one thing that would confuse me sometimes is
grammar. Sometimes the punctuation was a little off from
how it was supposed to read and sometime the tenses
would get mixed up. It's a little general to give a specific
example.
Peter's comment about the Dark Mark could have been a
little less oblivious, I got annoyed too, along with Sirius.
Maybe that was the point
.
"James grinned and said, ‘I think it’s okay to be scared of a
rampaging mass murderer, Padfoot.’" That really did lighten the mood, I laughed out loud.
I'm really seeing a lot of similarities between James and
Harry's personalities, I don't know if I can say the same of
a lot of Marauder era stories. Great job. I'm loving the idea
that they are creating the Map. Such a good idea for a
story.
Author's Response:I lose things like that all the time at work, I think I put documents in obvious places but can then never find them again. Thank you so much for the review, hopefully since then I've got better at the tense thing, I certainly notice I'm doing it since you pointed it out but there are some that probably still slip through the net.
Hello! :)
I thought I'd check out one more chapter, since I really enjoyed the first one! ;)
And this one was really amusing! :P And yes, it is kind of hilarious that after James' so well thought-out plan to avoid detention, they ended up in one anyway... :P Also, interesting your take on Bertrand Aubrey, I love when people pick barely mentioned episodes in canon and build some context for them. He was a real jerk, but James and Sirius didn't deal with it in the most mature way, to be honest... but that's just who they are, right? ;) I wonder if Clara will have a central role as the story evolves...
And, yay, Jily!!! <3 Oh, my! I love the idea of James attempting to ask her out and then making an absolute mess out of it, to the point that he isn't even sure if he actually asked her out... can't blame Sirius for laughing at him, just imagining the scene was so hilarious! Also, I can 100% imagine James panic like that and being all awkward... I love awkward James, he's such a dork and I love him! :P
I also loved how Sirius immediately picked up on his interest, and all of James' mannerisms when he tries to show off... you can tell that they just know each other so well! And it was sort of cute, the way Sirius felt offended that James didn't tell him about asking Lily out sooner... I did roll my eyes at the whole, why put so much effort in chasing one girl when there's a thousand running after you... I don't think that's how love works, Sirius... :P
Another great chapter, I love the way you write these characters and all your ideas and just your writing in general! I will be back soon! :D
Big snowball hug,
Chiara
Author's Response:Hello! Thank you so much for the review. Yes, my favourite thing to both read and write in fanfic is taking small little moments mentioned in canon and flesh them out. I do it as much as I can in my stories to tie things to the books as much as I can. Nope, Sirius and James did not deal with the incident in the most mature way but that is definitely them all over. Im glad you like the way James asked Lily out! I really tried to go for something a bit different to what I ususally read. And yep, Sirius is a bit of an arse when it comes to girls. There'll be more of that later on! Thank you so much once again for reviewing.
*spits out water all over the table* Wow. I got to the bit about the head-swelling hex and thought "Oh, that reminds me of that time James and Sirius apparently used an illegal hex to inflate another student's head. His name was-" And then it HIT me. Aubrey in the books and Aubrey in your fanfic are one and the same. Brilliant reference!
That bit side-tracked me a little. What I was planning on saying was that I'm happy this book is on the website and that I can keep reading. Originally, I was going to read your stuff on AO3, but I saw that this was here and decided to review it as my first read story on this site. I'm still getting the hang of it, so I apologise if I do something weird and/or wrong.
This was another great chapter. You characterised Slughorn amazingly, with nods to the original books every now and again, which I loved. Sirius and James' friendship was written well too, and I'm interested to see more of Clara. Aubrey is definitely going to make trouble! I'm still debating whether the fact that Clara has a boyfriend will do anything to deter Sirius from his interest - he doesn't seem like the kind of person to be thwarted by something that tiny, but then he also doesn't seem like the kind of person to go crawling after a girl who is interested in someone else. I guess it depends on what Clara does.
Hopefully I'll find out as I keep reading :)
Author's Response:I'm glad you recognised it! My favourite thing in fanfiction is little ties to canon and I try and do it wherever I can. It just makes everything feel so much more connected to the series, like these events could actually be what really happened, both in what I write and what I read. Oh I'm glad you're reading it here! It's on a number of other sites, but this is probably it's 'home' now HPFF has gone. Don't worry, I'm still getting the hang of things too! 'He doesn't seem like the kind of person to be thwarted by something so tiny', I love this! Definitely not! I think even if he knew Aubrey and Clara were together before he'd have acted exactly the same! Thank you so much for reviewing.
The way James asked Lilly out was brilliant. He was anxious and he was babbling; she was confused and escaped the uncomfortable question. Or maybe missed it entirely. All that confusion and awkwardness felt very natural and I empathized with both of them.
I like Sirius’s confidence. He doesn’t seem to have any trouble flirting with girls. And I enjoy the contrast you pull between him and James, who seems so vulnerable around Lily.
“Eleven ‘Outstanding’ OWLS” for Clara. Impressive. No wonder she seems to be a favorite of Slughorn.
Author's Response:Thank you so much for the review! I had a lot of fun writing and thinking about how James would ask Lily out, poor James really got himself all tied up. I really wanted to show that he wasn't always necessarily the cool, confident guy in the books when he asks her out. And yes, Sirius is very confident with girls. I thought of what we see of him in the books, he comes across as being very arrogant and sure of himself and I didn't think he'd have any trouble talking to girls. I don't know that he'd even contemplate someone *not* reciprocating if he flirted with them. And yep, Clara's definitely a smart one!
Transferred and slightly editted from HPFF:
This is interesting!!! Your writing flows effortlessly and you manage to pull me into the story.
I loved the prose you used in the newspaper snipped. I’m intrigued to find out how those deaths connect to the plot. I also thought that the boys musing over the news during dinner was very reminiscent of how Harry, Ron and Hermione used to read the paper as children. Sweet memories :)
You gave a very good glimpse of how the war outside Hogwarts frightens them and puts them on edge. And at the same time you balance the tension of the war with some marauder-type mischief. I loved the “homonculus charta” spell.
Slughorn felt very much like Slughorn.
“Slipping Babbling Beverage into the pumpkin juice” - but of course they’ll do that. Loved it! It must have been a very memorable evening.
Author's Response:Oh thank you so much for the reviews! I have all yours saved so I'll pop those up too. Yes, I admit I was inspired by the Trio reading the paper at mealtimes for this. And I'm glad I have that balance, I was really trying to show how students might have been feeling about everything, yet still show that at school they are a little sheltered from everything going on. Thank you so much again.
Hello, there! :D
I'm on a review spree today and I told I'd check out your story eventually, so here I am... :P Welcome to FFT again! :D
I really enjoyed this first chapter! Your writing is very good, it flows very naturally, with a very good balance of dialogue and description, and I'm already loving your Marauders! So nicely done! :)
I love the way you used the Map in this chapter! I like the idea of them starting to work on it very early, and the charm you come up with to draw it and make it work. It was cool to see the actual process, and them sneaking into their professors' offices while they are at dinner to do so sounds like something they would do... :P Bad luck Slughorn caught them, but you can always find an easy way out with Slughorn (or maybe not... Sirius didn't seem particularly impressed with James' excuse, although it did work... :P)
So... was that the first time the Dark Mark was cast? I can't blame Sirius for feeling creeped out by it... the almost nonchalant way in which Remus asked "Who is it this time" was sort of creepy, too... goes to show how these things are getting frequent... and Sirius snapping at Peter... I suppose Peter's question was a bit silly, to be fair... very James-like to immediately read through Sirius' reaction and realizing that something's not okay with him... I do wonder if there's more to it than just general fear of the current situation and if his family's allegiances have a role in it as well? And well, of course being scared is natural, but Sirius being Sirius would be ashamed of that... so good on James for pointing out that there's nothing wrong! I'm liking your James already!
Ah, Severus... of course he would make an appearence at the worst time... I suppose the Willow incident hasn't happened yet? I feel like that encounter would've been even more tense otherwise... and I loved Sirius joking about charming the Map so that it'd insult Snape if he ever tried to read it! I suppose he did, given what we know will happen twenty years or so later... :P
There is a lot of build-up in this first chapter already, I'll need to come back and read more soon! I think you did a very good work so far!
Snowball hug,
Chiara
Author's Response:Oh wow, thank you so much for the review! Yes, this was the first time the Dark Mark had been cast. In my mind, the war and the rise of Voldemort has been steadily building for a few years and now they're confident enough to make themselves seen and felt in a bit more obvious way.
The Whomping Willow incident has already happened, it's alluded to in a further chapter. In my head it probably happened a couple of months before this story is set, so things have calmed down slightly since then, but you probably have a good point about the tension between the two after that. It's not something I had considered before.
Once again thank you so much for the wonderful review :)
Haha! There was a lot of James running his hand through his hair in this chapter! I love the description of his awkward, unsuccessful pursuit of a date with Lily and the fact that they ended up talking about Herbology essays. Then Sirius asked Lily about her Herbology essay and the poor girl must have been wondering WTH was going on 🤣🤣🤣
I loved the Slug club scene. Aubrey is a bit overprotective of Clara, isn't he?? I thought the boys were lucky to only get away with losing ten points and acquiring a detention.
Thanks for the great read!
PnK x
Author's Response:Thank you for taking the time to review again and once again, I’m glad you liked it. Yes, there is a lot of James running his hand through his hair, I noticed that reading back through. I’d go back and change it but honestly, I’m too lazy! And thank you again for picking up on one of my favourite parts; Sirius asking Lily about the essay! Poor Lily was probably really confused.
Yes, Aubrey is a bit overprotective. This is another link to the books as James and Sirius are apprehended for using a hex on Bertram Aubrey that caused his head to swell. They received a double detention for it, I added in the points because I thought it was a bit lenient on it’s own! But seeing as they didn’t really start it I thought it was probably something I could get away with.
Thank you once again for reading and taking the time to review.
Hello! Thought I'd drop by and have a read. Great chapter! I'm drawn in and excited to read more after this start.
I love that the story starts by focusing on the marauder's map's creation, and Peter was credited with finding the homonculous charm in the first place. The reference to the map insulting Snape was a genius link to the original stories! And why wasn't Snape at dinner, hmm?
The Prophet article is really well-written and the line:
"'We’re not sure of the meaning of this symbol, so don’t ask us,’ a visibly distressed looking official commented earlier this afternoon"
made me smile - it sounds like it could have come straight from one of JKR's books.
The thought of James and Sirius getting drunk on Slughorn's booze collection made me laugh, as did spiking the pumpkin juice with a Babbling Beverage.
Beautifully written and I'm looking forward to reading more!
PnK
Author's Response:Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to review. I’m glad you liked it! And what’s more you picked up on all my favourite bits. I love little links to canon so I stick them in as much as I can, they’ll pop up every now and again. Thank you once again for the review.
you are a master of adorable banter
Author's Response:Haha thank you!
ooooh interesting so far! great first chapter!
Author's Response:Thank you so much!
hii i've finally started reading this and i love it already!
i just,,,there's so much to love about this first chapter, the marauders feel so real, sirius is obviously a complicated character and i feel like you've somehow managed to get at that without even getting that deep into his head since it's only the first chapter and all but he ~~feels like sirius but younger and less marked by everything that's happened to him even though it's still so obvious that his own life experience is already quite different than the other marauders' and i've really enjoyed seeing that.
and the map creation is super cool, i love that you started the story with it because like,,,i really like seeing kinda missing moment/history type of stories, and making the marauders map is one of those moments in time and it was really well done. i laughed out loud at sirius' comment about how he's going to charm the map to personally insult snape hahha it's just really great the way you've also incorporated stuff like that from canon, it's super cheeky and super sirius to actually do it :D
i'm looking forward to reading more!
kris
Author's Response:Ah thank you so much for this review! I'm so glad you like it. I love missing moments too and I try to include as much as I can in my stories, along with the little snippets of canon like the Map insulting Severus. And I'm so glad you think that Sirius feels like a younger version of the canon Sirius, I've really tried hard to capture him and it's made my day to think that I may have succeded a little bit! Thank you again.
Hi, Sapphire_Skies!
I'm Vicki from Slytherin House. Welcome to the archives of FFT. Let me be the first to write a review for this very promising story, which has a lot of things going for it.
What struck me instantly was your writing style--clear, open, accessible. You say a lot in a relatively few words because you don't belabor your points to death. The story line shines forth clearly, unobscured by excess verbiaqe, and the plot advances apace. Nice to see that.
You introduce several story elements in only 2745 words. :) The Marauder's Map is in the process of being invented, the Dark Mark appears for the first time as a spate of deaths begins to be attributed to one wizard and his followers, and James and Sirius are starting to feel the fear of the rise of Dark Magic. The brief scene in which Severus Snape catches a fleeting glimpse of the map being stuffed into James's pocket evokes a smile as we readers hear Sirius promise to enchant the map someday to insult Snape if he ever tries to read it (as eventually happens in Prisoner of Azkaban).
I really enjoy seeing these bits of "history" that reveal the origins of things we see later in the canon of HP.
The Marauders have been written in more stories than anyone could count, but you have managed to make them fresh and interesting. This is partly because you have avoided the stereotypes and exaggerations that often appear in Marauder stories. Your James and Sirius are not swaggering and wise-cracking. Your Peter is not a hopeless loser. Remus is not angsty and depressed. They all seem, well, normal; one could see them making a good, cohesive team.
June 1976 -- the boys are just sixteen years old, at the end of their fifth year at Hogwarts. In your chapter, they do sound appropriately young--not flirting incessantly with girls, not able to avoid being caught when they break into Slughorn's office, Sirius not having tasted Firewhiskey yet.
I like the moments where you have James showing his mental quickness--instantly understanding why Sirius snapped at Peter and knowing what to say to Sirius to support him, and then his quick thinking to lie their way out of Slughorn's office with false sincerity rolling off his tongue like melted butter.
You have made a good start in presenting a fresh and improved look at the Marauders. I haven't been a huge fan of Marauders stories in the past, but maybe it was just a matter of waiting for the right story to come along. :) Your story gives promise of being "the right one." I'm looking forward to reading more chapters.
Good job!
Vicki
Author's Response:Thank you so much for the review! It's really brought a smile to my face and you've picked up on a lot of things I was really hoping to convey. I'm really aiming with this story to avoid common tropes and stereotypes so I'm really happy you've picked up on that. Everything that happens is a deliberate choice and I'm glad it feels refreshing. Thank you so much once again for the lovely review!
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