Name: Oregonian (Signed) · Date: 16 Mar 2022 10:40 PM · For: Chapter 1

Hi, RDeHwyl.

It will be interesting to see how this story plays out.  I liked the beginning, where Harry is mowing the lawn and fantasizing about mowing down Bellatrix.  And the addition of Mrs. Figg to this scene was very welcome.  I have always envisioned her as a savvy, competent lady who deserved to be written with respect instead of being just a batty old cat lady, so I was glad to see how you depicted her.

I also liked some of your touches about the Dursley family -- how they hid in the bathroom whenever any wizarding people came to check up on Harry's wellbeing, and how the temporary pig-transformation spell had been put onto Dudley if he mistreated other peope.  A good idea not to tell him when that spell was lifted. Maybe he will eventually become accustomed to treating people deceently.

I was struck by this exchange between Shacklebolt and Harry:

"A lust for power -- that's all that drives You-Know-Who, and having no real conscience, he cares not for whom he harms,"

"Sounds like a sickreason tostart a war."

"Any reason to start a war is sick...and it's always the innocent who are the losers."

That's pretty apropos for the current situation in the world, isn't it?

I liked the image of the Quidditch player who drove his broom straight into the earth up to the footrests when he couldn't pull out of a dive in time.  Little touches like that spark the prose up.

Ah, so romance tentatively pokes up its head..  I'm sure there will be plenty more in upcoming chapters. Everyone is so embarrassesd to talk about it.  I feel for them.

A good start.

Vicki (for the Race Across the Galazy review drive)

Name: Ameripuff (Signed) · Date: 16 Feb 2021 01:09 AM · For: Chapter 1

Robert,

Cheers and I’m jumping into ‘Rampage’ first – mostly because I’m a fan of continuity. 

You’ve done a great job of capturing Harry’s perspective, angst, and thoughts in this first chapter.  Whether it’s the lingering hatred for Bellatrix, the desire to get away to the Burrow, or the hesitating cadence of his discussion of Ginny when Tonks pops in.  I think you’ve connected with him well and there wasn’t any challenge for me to just ‘pick up’ where Phoenix left off.

I find it funny that Fudge would choose Percy to be his replacement – especially since he was calling him ‘Weatherby’ just a book previously.

The hesitating conversation that you capture between Ginny and Harry is spot-on for awkward teenage conversations.  The repeated words, verbal pauses and half-spoken sentences really bring out the tension and ‘will they or won’t they’ between these two.  I enjoyed their entire scene and you’ve done a great job at moving their relationship along – and then hitting the brakes a little as they figure things out.  Really excellent job here from a reader perspective.

 

Some minor editorial points for your consideration:  (Again, let me know if this is too nit-picky and I can lay off in future reviews)  

-Consider putting Harry’s active thoughts in italics throughout the chapter.  It makes it easier for the reader to distinguish them from the narrator POV.  Here’s an example: “…wondering if he could repair it when he was able to do magic freely again.  Is the other mirror still at 12 Grimmauld Place, and if so, can I find it?  With Bellatrix Lestrange still at large, is Sirius’ old home still a secure place for the Order?  Harry had many questions…’  The same is true with the newspaper article – setting it in italics helps separate it from the narrative to make it easier for the reader.

-‘Apparition’ has an ‘i’ in the middle. (yes – even though people apparate…I double checked the HP wiki)

-apologize (currently apologixe)

-I think I mentioned this in a comment a while ago on HPFF, but the word choices that Harry and Ginny use in their letter exchange sounds very mature when I consider that they are 15 and 14 years old.  That being said, you write eloquently, so it’s relatively easy to suspend my disbelief and just run with it – especially since you did such an outstanding job with their in-person conversation later in the chapter.

-You mention that the Order has been given official status as a ‘secret’ counterespionage unit – except that as of the events in the end of ‘Phoenix’ I'm pretty sure that everyone knows about it…including the Death Eaters.  Maybe 'not-so-secret'?

- It’s interesting to note the names that are used as a stand-in for Voldemort.  Harry and Dumbledore seem the only ones who openly use the name.  Most other good characters use ‘he-who-must-not-be-named’ or ‘you-know-who’ and dark characters (like the Death Eaters) using ‘Dark Lord’.  In this chapter, you have Shacklebolt use ‘dark lord’ – which suggests he thinks about Voldemort differently – I’m wondering if that’s intentional like it was for Barty Crouch Jr.-in-Moody form from ‘Goblet of Fire’.

-Near the end, you put Ron’s dialogue “Yeah, she’s okay.” Right next to Harry’s response – just add a new line before ‘Er, Ron no—I like your sister…”

Overall, this was a great chapter and a great start.  I'll keep going until I run out of chapters and then jump into Philtre.

-Drew