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“my hate and my heart
and the fucking mess in my head”
this is… oft yeah this is real. i love the contradictions you weave in though this, hate matched with heart and then not enough and too much in there too. it shows how conflicted the narrator is, how much they dont know their own mind, or maybe they do. this just screams of someone who doesn't really have anything left to give but gives it anyway. of someone else who just takes and takes. but they love each other, in a fucked up sort of way, so they keep going. i dont know if its the title but i almost feel as though the narrator is having life and the energy sucked out of them. so they try to fuck it up, they mess the other person around as well and in the end it’s just a toxic cycle. the way you write these toxic dynamics are amazing. you never over romanticize them, it’s bleak and with the mentions of blood it just seems gruesome, it’s so real and honest because that is sometimes what they feel like. It’s just sooo well done.
veni, vidi, foxi
oh i love the metaphor here, the image of naive kids who arent really kids anymore but still have that energy thinking they can take on the world, thinking they’re emperors and conquerors and… the world sort of takes on them instead. conquers them. they’re torn down by life, by the party scene and the drugs and the smoke, the darkness, they fall from normality and youth, their worlds imploding is like the empire crumpling. the repeated image of the ruins as well is so strong, it reminds me of walking through pompey, seeing the crumbling remains of what was once lush and busy and full of life, and the comparison it’s drawing to your words and yoru story in this is actually incredible. you create these little worlds in so little words and yet i can see it all so clearly it’s amazing!
veni, vidi, foxi
all consuming addictiveee loveee! kris you know that i love you and love all of this dearly but i lowkey think i need to read like the fluffiest, lightest thing on the archive at the end of this for my own sanity, or at least something that holds absolutely no comparison to my own shitshow of a lovelife because the more of these i read the more it’s starting to feel like a personal attack lol (i’m kidding, i’m not going to do that. hotmess stories ate the best). i love the repeateed images of burning up, the mouth on fire, the feeling of how tequila burns the throat. this person just has this epic pull for the narrator, when they’re they’re and when they aren't it’s like they never really leave them. they feel them even when they aren’t there. the line about the neon signs, the warning signs that maybe this isn’t the best idea beign thrown up and still going anyway is so good. it shows that people in these sorts of relationships are often really self aware of it, it’s people with addictive personalities who just find something else to get addicted to in another person. the one and offness of it just keeps you coming back, gives you withdrawal symptoms and then the hit of being there again, turns it into just as much of a drug as the kind you get powdered in a bag. i think you manage to convey that really well, it’s certainly done in a way i can unfortunately relate to.
veni, vidi, foxi
i love the image of just hurtling down a highway totally out of control as the sun comes up, it’s such an amazing image of being free and reckless and young and stupid. you can see it, the wind the colours, the freedom. and the corresponding idea of someone just hurtling through their life at a hundred miles an hour being equally reckless i sort of love as well, racing into things, not thinking it though. of course it could all go disastrously wrong, as it seems to here, when everything crashes and goes dark, when it’s no longer easy and free and fast, but for all the time before it would be wonderful.
loved this, love you
veni, vidi, foxi
oh this idea of not wanting to show the real you for fear that people wouldn’t like it is like… yeah… it’s a thing. that i get. a lot. there’s two levels to this almost, one is the shallower, snarky comments that everyone has sometimes (or constantly lol) in their head that would make them seem like a bit of a bitch if they actually said it and the other is the deep imbedded dread of revealing themselves to incase they get rejected it’s… yeah it’s a shit mindset to have. the way you list off thoughts, what they think of themselves, that checklist almost. it’s so brutal, it just feels like intrusive thoughts pushing in, each one so hard hitting and even harder to imagine this being on repeat in your head, that this is what someone labels themselves. even adic lightning… it’s such a powerful image, and another of your references to weather that always works so perfectly. it’s electric and corroding and lights up the sky, sizzling someone's insides. i know i say it all the time but like damn kris you just create these all powerful metaphors and images and they seem to just sum up the dark uncomfortable feelings in a way that hardly anyone can but you make it look SO easy.
veni, vidi, foxi
damn. this just.. just hits. it’s that human reaction of wanting someone to try you, wanting them to do something to give you that excuse that you need to explode with anger. and my god she’s got every right to be angry, every girl who’s afraid of walking him in the middle of the night is. it’s that built up horror, wanting to protect those who’ve been hurt, wanting to take all that hurt and fear and turn it on someone else is so human as well. make them feel as bad as they made you feel. the language you use is brilliant, the short lines and the really viid, spitting images. it punctuates the hate so well, drives it on. i think because this is such a universal fear is why it all rings in my head so strongly. like i know what smile it is the narrator fears, anyone who thinks about their route home, who holds keys in their pockets or only walks on streets with streetlights has that image in their head. you tap into that fear here, and that sorrow, hurt. we’re with the narrator as she dreams of taking out her anger. we can feel her horror at remembering what happened to her, for her cries. i’d want to stab his eyes out as well.
veni, vidi, foxi
ahh i want moooorrreeee i want the 3k one shot that matches this, i want to know it all. and the fucking novel too. how have you managed to condense this massive story into just a little amount of words. it’s all told in whispers, the mistakes that maybe if you really thought about it you had wanted all along. it just drips with sexual tension and that whole, alluring idea of a romance that burns so hot that it can't be resisted, one that burns in the shadows which makes it even hotter (because secret affairs somehow always seem that way) burns so hot that they had no choice in the matter. of course they’re both with other people, a brother even, but that these feelings are so intense and so out of control that they didn't even mean it to happen… though they did, obviously. this is like when you use imagery of hurricanes and tornadoes, it’s another thing which is so big and out of control that the narrator can’t possibly contain it. it’s rinsing their hands of any responsibility, all the while going back for more secret liaisons in dark corners. but then there's that taint, the little bit of melancholy that they’re just a footnote, a dirty little secret almost, it turns this from what could sound like a purely self indulgent affair into something a little bit sadder, bringing the humanity back into it. it’s like a mini version of one of your fics, and as i said i would like the follow up please and thank you.
veni, vidi, foxi
there aren't really words for how perfect this is, like omg kris i’m almost in tears here it just struck such a nerve. you know i love starts and myths and things and everything about this is just so beautifully aesthetically written. sitting in the garden at night stargazing and being taught about the constellations, the stories behind them. the notion of being taught that you can be strong and brave and the hero is so sweet, it sounds like her dad, doing what like *is* good parenting, teaching girls they can be anything, not just a damsel, but then it all crumbles after. because that's all well and good but nobody can survive on their own, and when she did need help he wasn’t there. he should have seen that she needed help, and that breaks my heart. because maybe if he had been things wouldn’t have gotten so dark for her, she wouldn’t have had to fight so many battles on her own and wouldn’t have sunk into the dark, thinking of herself as a villain. i love the way this moves and evolves, the soft, comforting opening sliding into something almost bitter but definitely somber, that's mourning the loss of something that's there at the start. how do you keep doing this?
veni, vidi, foxi
BUT THIS WAS NO NICE UNTIL THE END. IT WAS FLUFFY ALMOST. FLUFFY! KRIS WHY DO YOU TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME! agh i hate this so much. i hate friends like that. i was in such a happy wee bubble reading this until we hit the end, and it just burst. which is entirely the point i guess. you capture that first moment, the caving into your gut feelings and going for it, the desire, the build up, the dreamlike quality of locking eyes across the room and both wanting each other. it’s like a fairytale almost, set in a packed club instead of an enchanted ballroom. it’s fearless, the way she just goes up to her, forgets to be scared. it’s an incredible moment and you capture it in all of it’s magicalness. you show the way that you do almost fall half in love when you're young and in lust and feeling the buzz that this is. and then it all comes crashing down. dammit i was on a little cloud floating along reading this and it just disintegrated. people are horrible. like they are. it happens to so many people, it’s the reason why so many of us don't come out for years or laugh it off as just a joke, just done to impress boys, when it’s not. people are really fucking shit and i hate it. gaaaaa. anyway this was clearly very well written and i clearly have lots of feelings about this and i’m just going to go now because i’m just going to get angrier. lunch time.
veni, vidi, foxi
agh this one sort of makes me feel sticky too. to start off with, wow you know how to create such a strong image. the description of the disgusting wasteland of mess that’s been left behind and the way it morphs into talking about the couple, about them lying together is ridiculously strong. it creates a metaphor that makes my skin itch, makes me uncomfortable. can the river wash away their sins? should it? this is just so toxic, the narrator asking herself if she asked for it, if staying in a toxic relationship means you’re asking for or deserving of what you get is horrible. but also very real. because people do stay, and do ask themselves if they’re bringing it on themselves , do hate and hurt and then stay to do it again the next night. It’s not as easy as walking away, and once you start questioning your role it’s so difficult to break out of it. this wasn’t nice to read but it was incredible writing. well done. the last few i’ve read have just made me squirm, and again it’s just a testament to the skill of the writer.
veni, vidi, foxi
i adore the idea of being the girl your mum warned you about, the one you should avoid. because like… on one hand mood and on the other it’s a dangerously daring comment, like it almost invites rebellion to teenagers. you just transport us back with this one, showing another snapshot of being young and wild. the ripped jeans, bad crowd look from school in metallica t shirts who lead people astray and lie to their parents just feels like another world now. everything about this buildup i can feel in my bones, the memories of mosh pits and gigs. you create that nostalgic feeling so well… until it switches. and wow does it switch. my whole body just froze reading this. and this is so tragically dark all of a sudden. the guilt and the pain screams through every word, and the simplistic way you write it, the matter of fact ending almost makes it so much worse, packs more of a punch than if you’re describing the girls pain in a hundred words. “you never listened to another metallica song again” i just… it hurts to read. beautifully done but wow… just.. wow.
veni, vidi, foxi
I love the flow of this piece. It starts with two people facing opposite one another with space between them. And it's lonely and desolate and it almost feels like they're dead until they come together in such a carnal way. I love the ending and how it takes something that is surface level sexual and gives it this deeper meaning. Seeing stars in someone's eyes is such a lovely sentiment. And murmuring and whispering is also a lovely thing. But again, you get the sense that both of them are saying different things, so this moment means differently things to them. So while they are together and alive in this moment, they will eventually part and it feels like this cycle might start up again?
I don't know if any of that made sense. But this was a great piece overall!
<3 Courtney
* team ice otter *
I like the beginning here because the first two lines make me wonder if what is reality versus what is in the speakers head, is a dream or a nightmare. Both dreams and nightmares exist in a variety of ways, so I think it's really interesting that you decided to pair those lines together like that.
And your depiction of this person standing on top of a building and teetering on the edge, seeing this as being the edge of the world--an image that stirs up thoughts of this being a definite end to me--is so powerful and almost scary to me.
And this idea of looking down from such a height and then looking skyward from such a distance below was another stunning junxtaposition! Again, I always love how you convey light and darkness in your poems. I think it really conveys a mood that makes your writing easily identifiable.
<3 Courtney
* team ice otter *
This is just so fast paced and dark and agh… it’s like toxic, all consuming lust but lust with a dangerous edge, that toes the line between what you want and what’s too much, of people’s kinks and how sometimes they can go to far and how that's not good, but at the end it’s still giving into desires, wanting it. As i said this one just felt fast paced, it felt like living on the edge, of violent feelings, harsh words. The language here illustrates it so well, it makes it forceful, hot. You show that it’s all consuming, that it takes over. It’s perfect writing, you know it is when the words have such a storing effect. it almost burns, fills you up. You’re incredible. So talented. Like seriously, it’s not fair.
Veni, vidi, foxi
I love the imagery you use in this, the way you build up the image of someone who’s whole, who’s full of colour and bright, a gold spark, and most importantly someone who’s able to love fully. Of course it’s all compared to the narrator who sees themself as less than, as unable to love, as someone who’s using them as a temporary distraction and it’s utterly heartbreaking. I love (and i hate) the way that they think anything they touch will be destroyed, that this is inevitable, that by going after this person they're the one who’ll turn them to grey. It’s like taking so much responsibility for what the other person chooses onto themselves. But this was all just STUNNINGLY written. You use solar so well in everything but the highlight on it here worked so well, and the last lines “turning everything i touch into dead stars crying silver tears” kris tis is just. so. good! i want that framed or on a fuckign t-shirt.
Veni, vidi, foxi.
This is… yeah i get this. I can understand this all too well. Feeling like you’re just being held together and the silence around you presses in, being left alone with your own head, no noise around you is horrid. You feel trapped. And then of course you slip away, and when someone feels like this the easiest way is just to switch off. To feel nothing, because feeling everything is too difficult. And you’re SO right, because the numbness is suffocating, it’s like a cold hand on your throat. The last sections, where she takes the leap off the edge of the world into the lights almost makes me think of someone throwing themselves into the clubbing world., the noise and the bright lights to hide it, to cover it, the lights just brought that to mind, but then of course they fade, and what you’re actually falling into is more of the same, of worse. When you get like this it can be so difficult to come out of, it feels like you never will. You were about to sum that up so poetically, to really capture what it does feel like to feel absolutely nothing and let yourself go. This was brilliant writing, if incredibly sad.
Veni, vidi, foxi.
Aghhh i love this idea, the difference between how the world sees her and what’s going on inside. I can imagine it’s hellish, doing things that grow more and more dangerous out of self destruction and pain while everyone just sees them as showing off, as a laugh. Maybe choosing not to see the real reason. This can be so damaging, especially when someone’s doing it as a silent cry for help. The line about seeing someone as beautiful and brave but ignoring the mayhem just sums it up. I just want to give this person a hug, before their actions burn them up.
Veni, vidi, foxi.
this really is like peak self destruction. and it’s so self aware, but that almost makes it worse, being aware that you’re destroying yourself and doing it anyway is such a powerful, terrible thought to have. the imagery of a shard of glass is perfect, it’s a broken piece, a ragged edge that was once hole that you can just see being almost violent, cutting. the comparison you make between the mental and physical ideas of turning the glass shard. it’s actually this destruction. turning it on yourself and then turning it on them, knowing that you're hurting them but knowing that they do the same to you. but also sort of staying with them because only someone who also knows how this feels and who needs you as much as you need them would get it. the notion of not being able to exist with this person is a very real thing, it’s the sort of emotional dependency that people who unfortunately have these kinds of thoughts often get. it’s almost not real love, it’s just fulfilling a mutual need that those with self destructive tendencies have, but then again it is love. i’m in awe at how you capture all of these amazing complex things. i’ve just seen branwen’s review and like yes, how are you so good at all the things, i fully agree!
veni, vidi, foxi
eugh I want to hug this person so much. you shouldn’t ever think that you don't deserve love, or that you have to try harder to be loved. like I know that's so much easier said than done but it’s just a really tragic way to open. and the more damaged someone is the less they think they deserve it, the more they try to cover up their real selves and the worse it gets. you go from talking about cracks and flaws to talking about glitter, something that’s just coated onto surfaces to appear distracting and shiny and sparklie. it’s like they’re trying to cover up and hide their insecurities. the glitter and the gold mentioned just feel wrong, it’s not real gold, it’s fools gold almost. they’re trying to be perfect, but as you say it’s fake. all that glitters is not gold. you write the feeling of not being enough so well, and i think it’s something that a lot of people can relate to. but it’s so toxic. destroying, vandalising your own life to be *enough* is never right. i think i’m just gonna collect all these characters together and give them a big old pep talk, which like i probably need and all but with them i just want to protect them, wash the glitter off and show them they’re enough. then go hunt down everyone who made them think they aren't :P
veni, vidi, foxi
lying about how you feel about someone and what they mean to you is just so heartbreaking. and lying to yourself about it is even worse. but it’s also sortof a self defence thing, y’know. i love the way you almost develop the relationship between the two over such a little amount of words here, going from lying about being casual to almost lying about wanting to keep it secret, lying about how you feel and whatever else the narrator is keeping to themselves shows how it’s evolving. the last line about the lies being worth it, that maybe keeping the truth to yourself, even though it cant be easy, is worth it is almost understandable, because the feelings here, that creep in are so strong that that whoever is talking is just willing to do anything to hold onto this person, for however long it lasts. everything comes out though, and the line about it being a temporary fantasy that’s been created really underlines that. it’s so well done. it shows the vulnerabilities and the worry even without having to say it, because the inevitable truth seems to be hanging over this bad liar. and the emphasis on those words 'bad' and 'liar' underlines that. these later poems are really so emotive. they just have this continuing story to them, like the different aspects of the same relationship in different settings.
veni, vidi, foxi
i don't know if this was the intention but this almost feels like the relationship started outside a club with someone borrowing a lighter, like that way that people do to try and start a conversation. probably wasn’t what this was meant to be but the image just came to mind, like that was the spark that ignited this whole dynamic. and what a spark haha. the way you write this all consuming burning idea is incredibly powerful. and the idea of a cigarette burning as well is such a good metaphor, it’s burning up and being destroyed by the flame, its the same with them. now the narrator is the thing burning, being destroyed by the flame that the person they’re talking about ignites. its such a strong metaphor you’ve created. again the images of hurricanes and being torn apart by a force of nature is so stong. it almost feels like it’s inevitable, like the narrator can control this as much as they can control the weather. and the last verse just sums it all up, maybe its love and maybe it’s lust but whatever it is it’s uncontrollable. once lit it’s just going to burn.
veni, vidi, foxi
y’know this makes me think of teddy haha. the imagery, it’s just so beautiful. thunderstorms in eyes and lighting up like a bad habit, it’s just poetic (yes, deni, it’s a poem). the narrator talks about him like he's an island or something, a beacon of light in the dark, when they get lost in their own head, an anchor of sorts. he’s the only thing solid, when nothing else is certain he’s a physical presence there. I’m also honestly just blown away in this one by some of the individual lines or phrases you use, each of them is so specifically stunning. it’s like a snapshot of all you writing, you images and the very kris-descriptions rolled into one. I can see why you recommended this one <3
veni, vidi, foxi
‘radiant nightmare’ is just in itself poetry. this is just stunning, like actually one of my favourites so far because how could it not be. the poetry itself is just beautiful, and then the image, the way they’re so wrapped up together, in their own dream (or nightmare) where nobody can touch them apart from each other. this idea you come back to again and again of someone being toxic and irresistible all at once an addiction, they’ll just take and take from each other until there's nothing left, and even then they’ll keep doing it. It’s a horrible but horribly romantic feeling. a love that burns until it burns you up. every time i think you must have run out of words to express it there's another one that's more haunting and beautiful and just so damn sexy than the last.
veni, vidi, foxi
ayyy okay this is what i needed, angry. because damn fucking right theres every reason to be angry. i’m angry right now. honestly telling someone just not to be angry when they are is 10000000% a way to make them angrier, and the way you use words here, the extra short, staccato (let’s pretend that’s the right word) way the sentences hit, it just screams of the way your thoughts get, short, shrp, the way you spit words and rage. it feels angry, if that makes sense, it just captures the emotion perfectly. it’s different from the way some of the other poems flow, this isn’t flowing, this is raging. and it’s utterly perfect. not in any way an over reaction to rip someones head off for saying calm down. i'll help.
veni, vidi, foxi
this is sort of everything. the title reminds me of the gone girl monologue, and while the sentiments aren't exactly lining up they are similar. the girl who changes herself to get boys approval. who fucks them and blows them and lets them treat her like shit. this just screams of someone who’s looking for love in all the wrong places, who hates herself, so needs somebody else to fill that void. the lines describing someone else being bought drinks by a guy that the narrator has just fucked is almost tragic on both levels, it’s sad for the girl in who’s totally unaware of what’s going on and for the narrator… i kinda wish she was the one being bought the drinks… she deserves it and sort of needs it from the sound of it, just that little bit of care. Because the cool girl might not act like she cares but she definitely does, and people might just see the front btu theres more to her than that. i just want to give her a hug. I’m getting all sad now. And angry. she deserves better dammit! KRIS BE NICER TO YOUR CHARACTERS. ALSO I’VE JUST REALISED BUT WHERE DO HER FRIENDS THINK SHE IS AND WHY AREN'T THEY ASKING AFTER HER. NO. BAD FRIENDING.I”VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS DESTRUCTION AFTER ALL THIS.
(kidding… i haven't... obviously...)
veni, vidi, foxi
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