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Hey, I'm here for a galazy review!
I'm intrigued by Brienne and why she's had to leave Beauxbatons/France for this new life in the UK. It must be super awkward for her being a new girl but being obviously older than the first years, trying to find somewhere to sit on the train. Falling into a compartment with Luna Lovegood in it was a stroke of luck; okay, Luna can come across as weird,but her heart is in the right place, she's intuitive and she'd never deliberately make anyone new feel awkward or excluded. I thought you wrote Luna really well here because she's a difficult character to get right, IYSWIM.
But Brienne bumps heads with Draco - I'm guessing it's Draco from the description - and he could have been slightly less snappy about it; it was an accident, get over yourself Malfoy! I'm wondering whether this is going to be the start of an enemies-to-friends or lovers story featuring Draco and Brienne. If so, I am MOST DEFINITELY here for it!
This was an awesome start to the story and I look forward to reading on!
Meera <3
Moving another review!
For starters, Nyx is really cute. I love your version of what's involved in training an owl to be a suitable magical pet and post-carrier. It seems a bit too easy and convenient to imagine that any old owl could be pressed into service. Brienne seems to have the patience and affection for the little guy, which he clearly returns. Even Serge seems to have taken something of a protective attitude toward him.
The goofy, irreverent breakfast scene was actually a really nice touch, I thought. Brienne has gone through so much and will likely go through so much more. I love the fact that, every so often, you take a moment to remind us that she's only 15 and prone to some of the silliness that goes along with that age, regardless of the heavy burdens she carries.
She is not going to let Snape get the best of her, is she? I love the determination and her enthusiasm for the subject. I bet Snape is going to be really surprised to get that particular owl.
OK, another character falls into place. Let me make sure I have the particulars correct here. Stanley Meadowes was married to Dorcas Meadowes before her murdre by Lord Voldemort, correct? And he has an as-yet-unintroduced son who is a Ravenclaw in the same year as Brienne? And now he's head Auror? I'm not sure whether this presents a canonicity issue for you, but Rufus Scrimgeour was definitely Head Auror by the time Brienne would have been a Seventh Year and Tonks's comments in OotP seem to imply that he'd been there for a while. It isn't a huge deal, but something to be mindful of.
Totally tangential note, but don't you wish you could eat the way that wizards do? They seem to be constantly gorging themselves throughout the books and through most fan fiction, and they never seem to gain an ounce. That really is magic!
You've tied Stanley into the fold nicely, and managed to draw another line connecting Brienne's mother to canon, as well. I like how you're gradually weaving disparate things together. It makes the plot easier to relate to, at least for me.
These two sentences didn't sound quite right to me: "The French Aurors said that they noticed a young boy who was standing outside the crime scene along with the Muggles from the neighbourhood as the Muggle police left. He was described to be tall, six feet at least, about sixteen." I think it's the words "young boy" that caused me the biggest issue. You go on later to explain that the boy is around 16, so I eventually put it all together, but if I were you I might try a different initial description because to me, "young boy" implies an adolescent or younger.
We get a lot of interesting, new details in this chapter as to how Brienne's mother died. I love that she was doing everything she could to prevent the killers from finding out about Brienne. It was a very motherly touch. I did find that part a bit at odds with the way that the Aurors seem to believe that she knew her attacker. If her attacker knew her, then wouldn't the attacker also know that she had a daughter? Unless their past encounters were all before Brienne was born... Hmmnn... So an enemy she made during the first war, perhaps?
I did have a little trouble following Brienne's leap of logic to the idea that her mother had been betrayed. It doesn't sound like her killer was anyone that she trusted. Otherwise, the killer probably already would have known about Brienne. Does that make any sense?
This sentence confused me, as well: "We are allowed to find out who did. And that’s what we’re doing." - I'm not sure what the action -- the "did" -- that's being referred to in the first sentence is.
Wow. The last section was chilling. So Brienne's mother's killer knows that Brienne exists, and the killer has a picture of her. This doesn't bode well.
You introduced a lot of new possibilities and new plot intrigue in this chapter, as well as a strong hint of danger that had been missing up to this point. I loved it! You now have a budding love story, a mystery and a bit of a thriller, all coming together. Be back soon!
Another review, coming in hot!
Christmas! It's kind of nice that I'm reading this in mid-November. It would be harder to get into the mood in, say, July. Everything felt so festive and warm and cozy in this chapter. All of the descriptions of sights and sensations and smells build a really good picture in my head.
I thought it was interesting that her father quickly dispenses with trying to prevent her from doing underage magic and in fact tells her to keep her wand in hand while he's out. I'm thinking maybe all is not as well in their world as the happy, comfortable Christmas atmosphere would suggest?
A question: didn't Angelina stay at Hogwarts? I'm wondering why Brienne sent her a package in Yorkshire.
I have to agree with Brienne's father. It really was easy to imagine her being much younger based on all of the descriptions and accounts of what happens on Christmas day. It was really sweet, actually. She and her father are together and neither seems overwhelmingly sad.
Fred and George's letters were really well done. Fred seems to be laying it on thick to help out George. Or embarrass him. Sometimes it's one and the same when guys are trying to help one another win a girl's heart. And George's letter was hilariously awkward and touching. He comes so very close to letting her know that he fancies her, but probably still not quite enough for it to really dawn on her. Instead, she just sits there wondering with her heart beating a mile a minute.
I thought it was really lovely for her father to give her mother's wand to her as a gift. Wands always seem to have so much significance in HP stories. I'm wondering what you might have in mind for it.
"... a long, juniper wand from the box, which was clearly the original box from the original box," - something isn't right with this sentence. Maybe "from the original shop"?
Dinner sounds like a huge feast. I giggled at the idea of Brienne unbuttoning her pants. Decidedly unladylike, but at the same time she would fit in really well with George and the rest of the clan.
And a sweet, little baby owl to wrap up the day!
The next chapter should be really interesting. I'm sure the Auror will have a lot to tell them.
Good morning! Some more reviews, coming over!
This chapter was short, but very warm and touching. It was so nice to see Brienne arrive at a place where she feels completely at home. Her father seems like a wonderful guy, nurturing and protective.
Your descriptions of King's Cross and London at Christmastime were really lovely. The picture in my mind was vivid and brisk and cheerful.
I really liked all of the extra back story that you attached to Brienne's parents in this chapter. It helped to flesh out the picture in my mind of what brought the two of them together and why her mother might have been killed. With Voldemort hiding out in Europe and on the verge of regaining his powers, it's obviously not a safe place to be associated with the Order.
It's funny that Brienne is frustrated by not being able to use magic outside of school. That was a nice, realistic little touch.
The way that she opens up to her father about her feelings and her need to know more about her mother's death made me feel hopeful about her future interactions with her friends. Walls tumbling down...
Oh, and lest I forget to mention it, her father's house sounds really lovely. I wonder who does his decorating? ;)
Here's another review, hopefully brightening your day!
Awww, such a sweet chapter. You did a really good job of capturing the strange, uneasy, "three steps forward and two steps back" nature of teen romance. George and Brienne are so clueless, but in a really charming way that feels very natural for their age.
From the outset, I liked the way that you start to draw out the not-so-subtle differences that are beginning to separate George from Fred and Lee as he begins to realize his feelings toward Brienne. He's a little more reserved, not as quick to mock or make light of things. He isn't shoveling food into his face as fast as two hands will allow. ;)
Fred, for his part, seems to have picked up on what's happening between George and Brienne. I guess it shouldn't be that difficult, since he sees it first-hand with his brother and Angelina has probably been dropping some pointed questions in his direction. Lee, on the other hand, has no idea what's going on and it shows.
The scene in the courtyard was just about perfect. I honestly can't recommend a thing. It was that perfect sort of moment where they both seem surprised by the outcome buy not really unhappy. The only thing that seems to worry both of them is whether they've made the other person uncomfortable.
I really liked Brienne's outburst on the train. As you root for her and George to get together, it is easy to forget that she's less than a year removed from the loss of her mother and sometimes she's not going to be in the mood for the sort of excessive ribbing that Lee and the twins are known for. Add to that the awkwardness between her and George and it made perfect sense.
And I really loved her reunion with her father. That was a heart-warming moment.
Another lovely chapter. I'll be back again soon!
Part 2 of a two-part review migration!
Hello, again! I've had this chapter open in a browser tab all day, trying to get my head above water and write this review. It's finally time!
I love Christmastime at Hogwarts! Authors always have such a good time with the spirit and decoration of the castle and this was no exception! Your descriptions were bright and vivid and easy to imagine.
It seems like Brienne has really turned a corner, at least for now. She's broadening her circle of confidants and hopefully her support network along with it. Her bad dreams are becoming less frequent and the whole outlook of this chapter felt much more light and positive. One thing I wondered was what has happened to Alicia and Katie? I realize that Brienne seems to have grown closer to Angelina, but it seems like she might choose to share with her other dorm mates before Lee.
The twins are hilarious as they contemplate their day's shopping. "Lump of coal for Ron?" - I loved that line. It was interesting to watch the other characters stumble a bit awkwardly around the topic of mothers as they tried to be sensitive to Brienne's loss. You did a good job of capturing the moment and making Brienne's feelings really clear in response. It's nice to see that she's able to handle things.
Watching Brienne and George struggle mightily to try to shop for one another was a really nice touch. If my own experience is any guide, that's the beginning of a solid relationship right there! The middle part of the chapter just has a very fun, back-and-forth feel to it. The contrast between the two pairs was well done.
Angelina's rationale for why Brienne and George should be seeing one another is so solid. One thing that makes your fic really unique among many romance stories I've read on HPFF is having a female lead who really struggles to acknowledge her romantic feelings, or even have them at all in some cases. Most stories with a female lead have her pining away after the male love interest, or loathing him only to be brought together by fate. Brienne's feelings are so different. Very refreshing.
And it seems like maybe, just maybe Angelina's talk is starting to get through. Go, Angie! I love the way you characterize her feelings right before bed. She's a bit dense about love, but she might be figuring it out!
The dream sequence at the end felt like such progress for her! Very nicely done. Even a word of advice from her mother. I'm excited to see what happens after Christmas!
Another review, coming on board!
Hello, again!
Oh, poor Brienne. It seems like the Dementors left her a lot worse off. Paisley was a good friend to make sure that she was OK, even while she was worried about her own sister. Her reflections on the memories that the Dementors brought back and the way that they connect her to her mother were painful to read, but very realistic. She has begun to deal with her mother's death somewhat and find a bit of joy in her life, which makes her a more obvious target for them. Probably the saddest part of all was the way that she rationalizes the pain she feels into almost a good thing. Poor dear still has a long way to go.
It was good to see Brienne open up to Angelina. It seemed like a really big step for her, one that hopefully leads to better places. At least for one night, she seems to have rested a bit easier.
I liked the way that you wrote Professor Lupin's return. It reminded me of the books, especially the way he dismisses Snape's homework assignment. I'm not at all surprised that Brienne is struggling with the Patronus charm. There really isn't much for her to be happy about at the moment.
I'm very intrigued by this relationship that seems to exist between Lupin and Brienne's father. And now there's an Auror involved, as well. Perhaps Moody? At any rate, you're developing the sense of mystery quite nicely. All of the different elements of Brienne's life are starting to come together here.
Professor McGonagall's role in Brienne's life still confuses me a bit, I have to admit. At times she seems rather distant, then at other times it seems as though she's taking a very acute interest in Brienne's life. It definitely veered in the more acute direction this chapter, which felt a bit odd in the context of some of their past interactions. This did feel more like the McGonagall I think of. She seemed honestly concerned about Brienne's state of mind and whether she had enough support to lean on. She obviously doesn't think that Fred and George are particularly reliable in that regard, which was amusing.
You ended it on a really high note, I thought. It's good that she feels confident in her friends. I felt happy for her.
Your writing was lovely in this chapter. I couldn't see any mistakes or other issues. Nicely done!
Reviews, reviews, reviews! All the reviews, marching in a line...
I have to say, this one definitely had a lot more emotion! Brienne really seemed like things were weighing on her much more in this chapter. I keep rooting for her to open up to the others, but she's plainly not there yet. I have this feeling like George knows that something isn't right with her, as well. That could be a big part of why he's holding back. But I'm sure all will be revealed very soon.
So one sort of nit-picky thing I felt I should mention. Eight feet of parchment seems very over the top. I can't remember ever seeing more than two feet assigned in the books. You normally keep everything so realistic and consistent with canon that it stuck out.
I liked the little bit of awkwardness that the girls share over Cedric Diggory. He always seems to be a flash point for the Gryffindor boys, even if he is a sparkly vampire underneath it all. ;)
Another bad dream. This is really becoming a problem for Brienne. Again, I keep expecting her to finally break down and seek help or comfort from somebody. Soon, I hope!
Paisley is back! I think you've characterized her really well for a Hufflepuff. She cares about her house and supports them, but she's not a maniac about it like most of the Gryffies. And she clearly has some skills with the charms.
Brienne's Dementor-inspired vision was another piece of the puzzle and you delivered it in a very creative way that made a big impact. Using the Dementors was so much better than just a narrative flashback.
You ended the chapter on a strong note, too. Overall, very nicely done.
Here's another review, finding its forever home!
Hello, again!
I have a big sad face from imagining Brienne remembering her mother and realizing all the little ways that the loss is going to affect her. It sounds like she's also missing Beauxbatons a bit. The notion of the school staff putting on a brilliant Halloween light show was a clever idea and it sounds really amazing. But the Hogwarts feast is obviously nothing to sneeze at.
If I had to try to put a label on the overall feeling I'm getting from Brienne's character right now, I'd say she's stuck in a rut of sorts. There seem to be a lot interesting things going on around her, but I don't get much of an emotional reaction from her to most of them. It's as though she's a passive observer most of the time, unable to really connect to the events that are causing so much intrigue at her new school.
I guess my biggest reaction to this chapter is that I'd like to see Brienne more engaged. I don't want to sound too harsh because I know that every story has slow chapters and busy chapters, but the majority of this chapter felt like I was re-reading PoA, just through a different set of eyes. I want to know what Brienne makes of the things going on around her, what sort of feelings they're inspiring in her and how she's relating to the other characters. I wish you had written out the dinner and told me whether George was stealing glances at her during dinner and how that made her feel. I wanted to know whether Fred and Angelina are starting to get close. You've picked a really amazing slate of characters and I want to know a lot more about them.
All that said, the dream sequence at the end was very interesting. In her mind, she's putting a different spin on the tarot cards, much less flattering and playing strongly, I think, to her own anxieties. It was revealing. Exactly the kind of look inside a character that I'm a sucker for, and delivered in a very aesthetic way. Nicely done!
I'm still really looking forward to that explosion of emotion you've been promising me! ;) I'm in tune with these characters now and I want to see them blossom and shine. Til next time!
Good morning! Another review, transferred over:
The Draught of Peace. You know there are a lot of days where I think I could use some of that. It would really help at work sometimes. ;)
I love the scenes of Hogwarts near Thanksgiving. Your descriptions of both inside and outside the castle were good and painted a vivid picture for me.
I guess there are certain things you don't feel instinctively if you haven't been a Gryffindor for very long. It's a really interesting choice to make Potions one of Brienne's favorite subjects. Clearly, it puts her at odds with nearly all of her housemates. But Snape doesn't warm to her one bit, which kept things realistic for me. You did a really good job with him. He always reminds me of certain professors I had in college, the ones who knew their subject inside-out but had zero ability to teach. They'd just stare at you with an attitude of, "you have the book and I did some examples on the board, how can you not understand this? Are you stupid or something?" Clearly the man was never meant to teach, but that hardly makes him unique among Dumbledore's haphazard staff.
Poor Brienne. She really thought she had it, didn't she? I see that she's learned her lesson about Snape the hard way. And it clearly left her a bit angry.
So George is making a move. I like it! You may be all over this in the next chapter, in which case you can feel free to ignore me, but I wanted this to go on! I want to know what sort of awkward, vaguely romantic things take place at dinner. Augh! Why must you tease me so? ;)
And that more or less wraps this chapter up. Not as much happening as the last chapter, but we find out a little more about the way Brienne approaches her schoolwork and George finally shows his interest. Small steps. Back again soon!
What's this? Why, it's another review!
Ah, Divination! The subject that most fans of the books love to hate. Isn't it kind of ironic that Trelawney actually made two completely correct and critical prophesies in the books? Anyway, that's neither here nor there. On with the review!
You did a nice job of setting the scene in the Divination classroom, especially the choking excess of incense and perfume. I like the hot-and-cold reactions that Brienne has toward the Weasley twins. She's good friends with them obviously, but practical enough to be a little annoyed by their antics to the extent that those antics affect their schoolwork. The little gesture where she narrows her eyes at them when they show up late really made me thing of Hermione for some reason. I was watching Goblet of Fire the other night and that's exactly the facial expression she gives then twins when they try to use the aging potion to defeat the age line that Dumbledore places around the goblet.
Ah, we have another original character! A Hufflepuff gift named Paisley, to be exact. She seems friendly, a bit mousy, but reasonably well grounded. At least enough that she seems to see that Divination is mostly nonsense. At any rate, the two of them seem to get on fairly well. They get through the lesson just fine together. Beyond that I'm not quite sure what to make of Paisley just yet. Perhaps we'll see her again soon?
Wait, did I say that Divination was mostly nonsense? Apparently Harry isn't the only one for whom it occasionally works. The Tarot reading for Brienne was really interesting. I hope -- assume? -- that there's a lot of foreshadowing going on here, because that would make for an interesting story, indeed. The Empress and the Hermit together seem like a really accurate summation of what we know of the past year or so of Brienne's life. The Lovers... ooh! I'm quivering in anticipation! And seeing Justice really makes me hopeful that this story has some action waiting somewhere down the road. So far it's been pretty benign by the standards of a Harry Potter story. To see Brienne and possibly some of the other Gryffindor Fifth Years tackling the mystery of her mother's murder would be very cool, indeed.
I don't have all that much to say about the surprise that Fred and George have engineered for the Slytherins. I'm not sure what Blood Sweets are, but hopefully it will cause something very amusing to happen. And Brienne doesn't exactly approve, but she doesn't want to miss the outcome, either. She's pretty awesome, you know that? ;)
Her dream sort of reinforces what I took away from the Tarot reading. For me, it started out really good. We get a strong feeling for Brienne's emotions when she sees her mother appear on the Empress. Then you sort of back away, which made me wonder why. We get a bit of a reaction to the Hermit, and very little emotional reaction to the Lovers or to Justice. In terms of drawing me into her characters emotionally, this is where I wanted you to really let Brienne's feelings flow out onto the page. Does she want a relationship with George? Is she attracted? Happy? Scared? Confused? I don't have much of a feeling at this point and it feels to me like I should understand her better since this story is all told from her point of view.
I'm enjoying the story, but I feel like I'm waiting for you to hit me with a big emotional moment for Brienne. I want to find that "aha!" moment where I feel all of her emotions suddenly exploding out of the written words and that hasn't quite happened for me yet. I'm really looking forward to it, because I like the character and I want to lose myself in her thoughts and feelings.
More reviews! Always more reviews!
You've really pulled Brienne right into Fred and George's social circle, but you did it in a fairly natural way that didn't seem to abrupt or awkward. I liked the way that you wrote the exchange between the two of them on the way to the pitch. Some things can be better said without any dialog, and this was definitely one of those situations. Also, the way that Brienne speaks French under her breath when she's annoyed with something is kind of cute.
Moving along to the scene in the common room, it was really heart-warming to see Brienne finally find her laugh again. The one thing I would suggest is that somewhere in the first couple of chapters of the story, you could have made a slightly bigger mention of the fact that Brienne hasn't felt truly happy in a long time. I know that's hard to do without giving away the big reveal on her mother's death, it's just that she never seemed particularly unhappy before the last chapter. Overwhelmed, perhaps. Out of her element. But never unhappy.
All that said, the way you handled it was nice. George and Fred are known for going to any length to get a laugh, so it certainly wouldn't have bothered George to get ink all over himself if it helped put a smile on Brienne's face.
Interesting! So the Chasers all think that George is hot for Brienne. You've been hinting it at rather strongly for a couple of chapters now, so it was good to see that the attraction wasn't lost on the female contingent of the Gryffindor Fifth Years. For my taste, I thought Brienne's reaction was a bit muted. Not that I expected her to be more vocal and argue with the others, but I would have liked you to get deeper into her own thoughts on the subject. Even if she hadn't really noticed George's interest, the fact that the other girls have noticed certainly should have started her mind spinning. If you'd taken some time to draw the reader deeper into Brienne's thoughts then I think you also would have gotten more shock value out of...
The water fight! Brilliant touch. Quintessential Fred and George. Oh, the poor house elves. What a mess they probably had to clean up that night. And it's only the two erstwhile couples left at the end. I have one possible typo and one suggestion. In this sentence: "George jumped on Angelina from behind, getting a mouthful of water for her trouble." I think you meant to say "for his trouble." My suggestion is that you should have played up Brienne's enjoyment a little more. When girls and boys of that age get soaking wet around one another, all kinds of funny, interesting things happen. I think you could have drawn this scene out more, tying in what the other girls told Brienne about George fancying her to sort of enhance her physical interactions with George. Because that would parlay straight into...
Her feelings of guilt at the end. I totally get what you were going for here, and it was incredibly sad. The poor girl feels terrible about letting herself have fun when she thinks she should be grieving for her mother. There's something universal there that anyone who's ever lost somebody close to them can relate to. As much as I liked it, I think maybe you needed one more sentence to set it up. If I understood correctly, the reason the curtains were "swimming before her" was because of the tears in her eyes? It's a good way to set a scene, but maybe just a hair too abstract. Like I said, one more sentence to make it clear that she's crying and I think this paragraph is amazing.
I really like this story. You're doing a lovely job of pulling me into your characters. The main thing I find myself wishing is that you dedicated more words to exploring Brienne's feelings. There's so much awesome potential there, and I feel like you could get even more out of it!
More reviews from back in the day!
Isn't it amazing how fast Fred and George can turn somebody into a friend? They're just so infectious! I'm a little sad that Brienne didn't manage to become friends with Luna, but that may have more to do with Luna than with Brienne. I want everyone to be friends with Luna. She could do so much good in the world if everyone just listened to her!
So. (stubs toe awkwardly on the carpet) I guess that's why you've waited a while to tell us about Brienne's mother. You wrote the entire scene in the Great Hall very well. From the slightly amusing arrival of the owl to her reaction and especially the letter, itself. I felt sucked into the moment and really sorry for Brienne. (stubs toe on the carpet some more...)
The moment between George and Brienne in the owlery was sad, but also deliciously awkward. George doesn't seem to know how to manage his feelings very well where girls are concerned, and Brienne is really in no condition to help him figure it out. He seems to be caught halfway between a mature desire to comfort a friend and an adolescent reaction of "Eww! Owl poop!" Then Fred wanders in and it seems like it's just too much for him. He pulls himself away. It's going to be really interesting to watch this all play out. George is going to have to achieve some separation from Fred, I think, which opens up so many possibilities for both comedy and drama.
I loved this paragraph: "After leaving the Owlery, Fred and George had treated Brienne delicately, as if she were a bomb that threatened to explode. They had the rest of the day to get through, and the Twins sat a numb Brienne down as soon as they had all finished dinner. They waited- doing their own homework and talking quietly- until everyone else was asleep before Brienne began to explain." It's an amazingly accurate description of what it's like to try to help a grieving person make it through the day, although couched somewhat in terms that are appropriate to Fred and George Weasley (bomb).
I know I gave you some grief about the transfer student plot line way back at the beginning, but I think you just sold it really well with the story about Brienne's parents divorcing when she was young. There is really no hole that anyone can poke in that narrative. It's such a sad story, as well. Her mother seems to have been very afraid of something, and in the end she couldn't outrun it, whatever it was.
"...whilst Fred frowned at him, for once not knowing what was running through the mind of his brother." - Clever. Very clever.
The Defense lesson was nicely done. The only thing I picked up that seemed a little odd was the phrase, "... the Headmaster has informed me to teach you..." Maybe "instructed" would sound a little more natural here. It feels a bit strange to suggest something about your word choice. It's usually flawless!
So I thought you needed to pick up the pace a bit and the next thing I know you're dropping emotional bombs on me! I like it. I really liked everything about this chapter. Til next time!
Another review makes the leap! -Dan
Interesting that Brienne knows who Harry is and apparently knows why he's famous. Since you explained that she was actually born in the UK, that makes more sense. I'm intrigued to see whether she has the same sort of hero-worship for him as the other students, and how that might affect the first time she meets him.
I liked the way you introduced Fred and George. It was easy to get that mental picture of the two of them finishing one another's sentences or speaking in stereo. If I had to guess, I'd say that George seems a bit taken with her, something that Fred finds amusing. The banter that the two of them share was funny.
The lesson seemed like the sort of thing that Professor Lupin was known for, emphasizing the practical over the theoretical. I do think that the stupefy spell is a stunning spell, not a repelling spell. It does tend to fling people around a bit, but I don't think it can block other spells. Overall, though, the lessons seemed about right in terms of the skill level of the students. They really haven't had a decent DADA teacher prior to Lupin, so I'd expect them to be lagging a bit.
Another intriguing development. Lupin knows these mysterious parents of Brienne's. And her mother is no longer alive. Both very interesting bits of information. Clearly it's a sore spot for Brienne. Fortunately, she's surrounded by the two most difficult people in the world to keep hold of a bad mood around. ;)
If anything, I think the pace of the story has been a bit slow so far. At three chapters in, we have an idea of what the key questions are and we've met some of the key players, but not a lot has happened yet. Some of this I'm sure is due to the way that I'm reading this. If I sat down and read it all in one sitting without trying to stop and review each chapter, it probably wouldn't be as big of a deal.
No qualms at all with your writing, though. Everything was crisp and clear and flowed nicely. You're quite good. I'm just hoping I start to get more into the plot of the story soon.
OK, here's the next review, making its way to its forever home!
In my review of your first chapter, I think I said something to the effect of, "Being a transfer student from another country, I sure hope that your OC doesn't just instantly blend into Hogwarts like she's been there her whole life." So I really liked the way that you maintained a certain separation between Brienne and the rest of the student body in this chapter. She's different from the others, and it's plainly going to take her a while to integrate. You handled that really well.
The way that McGonagall approaches her before the sorting was interesting. Not overly welcoming but not exactly rude, either. And there was something about her wand that the professor needed to check. The characterization felt about right to me. Everything about the scene, from the way the First Years sort of look to her to lead them to the way that she's very nervous about the prospects of being placed into a house, made sense to me. I also loved your descriptions of Hogwarts and the grounds as they cross the Black Lake.
As far as the sorting, itself, I think I would have liked to see you try to come up with a complete speech for the Sorting Hat. I know it's hard -- very hard, actually -- when you're predominantly a prose writer, not a poet. But the way that you started and then didn't finish left me hanging a bit. The hat's thoughts on Brienne were interesting. There's clearly a lot more to her characters than we've learned so far. Whatever has caused the bitterness and fear the hat sensed, it obviously believes that she has the courage to overcome it.
Your descriptions of the feast, the castle and the common room were all rich and engaging. It was easy to visualize what you were describing and feel some of the wonder that a new student would feel while experiencing Hogwarts for the first time. You also dribbled in some additional hints about the past that Brienne is obviously not eager to deal with. It seems that she was living in France with her mother before something bad happened. I'm also wondering whether the timing of her arrival in Britain and Sirius Black's escape from Azkaban might not have been purely coincidental, since you made a point of that.
Let's see, what else? It's a very minor thing, but I found it a bit odd that Ron and Hermione didn't introduce themselves during dinner. Maybe they did and it just didn't seem worth mentioning, but that struck me. Also, you didn't mention anything about Professor Lupin being introduced during dinner. Again, a small thing but it felt like a bit of a gap in events.
Your writing continues to be great. Everything is nice and smooth and easy to read. You choose your words well and things never sound awkward or sing-songy.
I hope you found this review useful, and I look forward to reading more!
Hi, there! Look at this, I found all my reviews of this story from the Old Place. Here goes...
So I'll be honest with you. When I see an OC being introduced as a transfer student from Beauxbatons/Durmstrang/Wherever, I usually cringe. An awful lot of stories use this plot device, yet most of them have the OC acting, looking and sounding like they were born in the British Isles by the third chapter. I really hope you don't fall into that trap, because at least so far I like your OC. She seems appropriately anxious about her new school. She doesn't immediately tumble into a train car with any of the main canon characters and fit right in with them by the time the first chapter is over. Instead, she falls in with Luna and sort of enjoys the awkward silence. It gives me hope that you'll avoid the major pitfalls of introducing an OC into the Hogwarts era.
I thought you did a great job of portraying Luna. She's out there, but she's completely comfortable in her own skin. There's no such thing as "awkward" to her. Silence doesn't phase her. Her dialog was also almost perfect for her. Draco, in his brief appearance, also seemed nicely in character.
The visit from the Dementors was very spooky and just as I remember it from the book. I did think it a little odd that the Dementor would have just given up if they were holding the door closed. The creatures were looking for Sirius Black, after all. I think they would have found that suspicious. I also remember Professor Lupin leaving the trio's compartment to check on the other students after the train was moving again.
So she's going to be sorted alongside the First Years? Interesting. Already, you're breaking with the usual "transfer student head canon" of Dumbledore just picking a house for them. It makes me hopeful once again. Good, old Hagrid! I don't see enough of him in fan fic.
Your writing was great in this. No typos or grammatical problems and it all flowed nicely. You had a good balance of dialog and narrative, and I don't feel like you beat me over the head with ridiculous amounts "plot dumping". There are still plenty of things to learn about Brienne and her situation as the story unfolds. I really appreciate that.
Nice start!
it's nice to see that brienne managed to fit in with the gryffindors, even going to quidditch practices and joking around with the qudditch team. she made friends not only with fred and george, but also with angelina, alicia and katie. i think that a lot of the reason why fred and george first asked brienne to come to their quidditch practice is to kinda keep her busy, keep her mind off of things (like her mother's murder, obviously).
the fact that brienne finally managed to let herself laugh and have fun and relax a little bit tells me a lot about how much the friendship fred and george have offered her means to her and how much it helps her. i also see that the girls noticed that george might fancy brienne - it's funny how oblivious she is to his feelings, but at the same time, i think she just didn't expect it. especially with her mother's murder, i think that romance is probably somewhere at the back of her mind, so things that are obvious to someone else, might not be to her.
kris
so, brienne didn't know that her mother was killed - she thought she just died from an accident or something? from her father's letter i would have thought that her mother died fairly recently if they just managed to conclude that she was killed - i mean, investigations into how a person had died don't take too long, the coroner usually knows pretty quickly, and especially if it was the killing curse, everyone probably knows what it looks like when a person is murdered in that way.
i'm not surprised that brienne didn't tell fred and george about her mother's death - who would want to talk about that, especially since she just started in a new school and the twins are her first friends there. she probably doesn't even want to think about it, let alone talk about it (which isn't exactly healthy).
and first the muggle police and then the aurors tried to investigate her mother's death - no wonder it took them a while to get to the cause of death, the muggle police probably had no idea what to do.
the little shared moment between brienne and george was very sweet.
kris
beuxbatons has a terrible dress code - kitten heels and figure fitting dresses? i bet brienne is glad to be rid of that part of her old school! and hogwarts students imagining beuxbatons as glamourous is something that could be expected since for them, bauxbatons is this kinda exotic place (and i can't imagine madame maxime wanting to dispel the rumours, she probably enjoys them!).
i think you've written brienne's reaction to seeing harry in a realistic way, though it's refreshing that she was surprised but not one of those people who basically fangirl over harry - i think this tells us a lot about the type of person she is.
and the twins make an appearance, with george seemingly being just a tiny little bit smitten or interested in brienne (fred will probably tease him about it). i love how they just grabbed her and dragged her off to class and even though she might seem a bit disgruntled, i think brienne will be glad to have made some friends.
and wow, lupin knew her parents?!
kris
the first years can act so stupid sometimes, but brienne should just ignore them. i think she might be glad now that she came over the black like by a boat instead of the carriages, just because of the grand view that the boats offered. i'm glad she seems to like hogwarts - hopefully she'll be able to feel at home there.
and of course silly first years are expecting brienne to be the first one to climb the steps first and meet professor mcgonagall.
i can definitely understand brienne's embarrassment at being put in the spotlight and being sorted with the first years, like it's not enough that she's a transfer student. but, she got sorted into gryffindor, and while it isn't luna's house, i'm sure she'll be able to make friends quickly.
from your summary i understand that someone killed brienne's mother - she doesn't want to think about it, which makes sense, but i'm definitely intrigued by the whole thing! who killed her and why?
kris
oh, so brienne is a new student at hogwarts. i wonder where did she transfer from (figure hugging blue dresses sound like beauxbatons to me)? and, more importantly, why?
i think that for someone who was new at hogwarts, it's good that brienne met luna on the train - it seems that luna's company is exactly what she needs because luna is pretty much accepting of every decent person that she meets. and obviously, she's letting brienne do things, like not talking and just sitting in silence, in her own way and her own time.
i feel bad for brienne - first time going to hogwarts and the dementors end up stopping the train and searching it. it's definitely not a perfect way to start in a new school. how come she or luna didn't know that those were dementors?
i don't quite agree with brienne about the boats being an inelegant way to introduce the students to the school - it's actually a great way for them to see hogwarts for the first time. but brienne is probably used to things being handled differently at her old school. i'm excited to see where she gets sorted! :)
kris
*Transferred from HPFF*
Hello from review tag!
I don't remember if I said this in my review for your first chapter, but I really like your author's voice. It's clean and crisp, yet very descriptive and vivid! Well done!
We still haven't learnt a lot about Brienne, except for the fact that she and I agree that Sorting a new student who does not start Hogwarts in their first year, is something that should be done in private. It's already so daunting starting in a new school, and in a brand new country to boot, without adding the pressure of the entire student population knowing who you are into the mix. I think she handled herself very well, and I guess I can see why she may have been placed in Gryffindor!
Looking forward to the next chapter!
*Transferred from HPFF*
REVIEW TAG!
So, I've seen this story floating around the forums, and I thought it was about time I gave this a shot!
It's been a really long time since I read some good ol' drama. From your summary, the plot sounds very promising!
Our introduction to Brienne is interesting. We know bits and pieces about her; enough to form an opinion on her, but without knowing who she really is. It's a really subtle and well-done way of characterisation and I commend you on it!
I, too, think it's a really inelegant way to be introduced the school. For first years, the boat trip across the lake is the best thing ever, but for a new kid starting not in first year, it's not so crash hot. I'm looking forward to reading about Brienne's reactions!
Wonderful first chapter (you probably get this a lot), and I'm looking forward to meeting more characters and getting to know Brienne better in the next chapter!
Hi! I am so excited to read this story - finally! I remember hearing so many people enthusing about it on HPFF and I'm really glad that I have the chance now to read it, because I've only heard good things.
First things first - was Brienne's name inspired by Brienne of Tarth and the actress who plays her? Because if not, that's a really cool coincidence. And if it is, then I'm intrigued to see if they share the same qualities :P
I really enjoyed this as the first chapter to your novel. I thought it was very well paced, and I liked the fact that Brienne was so unsure and uncertain as she arrived on the train to start at Hogwarts - it mirrored our unfamiliarity with the character. I'm intrigued about why she's moved from Beauxbatons, but I liked the fact that you didn't overly emphasise a mysterious past. And I really liked the fact that she has no time for spoilt princesses, too :P
One thing I loved about this chapter was the way that you included characters we're familiar with from canon to help really anchor her into the setting. Luna was just amazing, and I thought you characterised her brilliantly - her dialogue in particular. I also love the idea of Dementors being called Cloaked Farnzies. It makes them sound far less scary :P
I thought you did a really good job of mirroring Hagrid's speech here (I always find that so difficult). I'm looking forward to seeing how Brienne fits in at Hogwarts and learning more about her!
Sian :)
Author's Response:Hi! Sorry to take so long responding to your review!
Brienns’s name was a complete coincidence! I couldn't believe it when I started reading ASoIaF!
Thank you so much for your kind words and positive feedback!
Hey, this is Beeezie, here with your review! Sorry about the delay - life has been really crazy lately. I'm going to admit to something that probably makes me an awful person: when I saw that you posted a rerequest, I immediately read this chapter, and it's only now that I've moved through the rest of my queue and can review it. I love this story.
Canon/Continuity:
I love the fact that you made it necessary for Brienne to train her owl. That's something that we never really got to see in the books, but it's entirely plausible that most owls did not come already able to make full deliveries. As with many little details you've included in the story thus far, this supplements canon rather than contradicts it. Excellent.
I was less sure about the fact that she was practicing spells and making potions. IIRC, all potions require spells, and she's technically not allowed to use magic outside of Hogwarts. I would believe that she's doing the spells illegally for practice, but the potion was a little much. It also seemed odd that Nyx managed the trip to Scotland and back in the space of a couple hours to deliver the potion.
However, you're continuing to do a great job at alluding to the events going on at Hogwarts just enough that it works. Brienne doesn't have inside knowledge about the break-in, and they're not spending a lot of time on it, but it would be unrealistic for it to not come up in this situation or in her narrative as a whole. I did think that a side thought or comment from her about Ron might have been appropriate, given that he's Fred and George's brother, though - maybe if you paired it with, "The idea of a murderer at Hogwarts" etc?
I also liked the fact that you had Stanley say Voldemort's name. While most people didn't like to say it, it's clear that some people who weren't Dumbledore were willing to - Lupin, Sirius, and Kingsley, for example. It makes sense to me that Aurors would be more likely to be okay with that. Excellent job. However, I did think that Stanley's wife killing six death eaters and being taken out by Voldemort was a bit much. The idea that she was able to fight hard enough alone against at least seven wizards/witches (presumably more) to kill most of them felt unrealistic. I'd cut down the number a little or add something else in to make it more plausible.
Characterization:
I really liked the way that Brienne thought about Bernadette and her motherly instincts. It's an interesting dimension to her character that you've kind of hinted at before but not come out and said until now. I feel like you're building on Brienne's character slowly but surely every chapter, and you're doing a really incredible job at it.
I also loved the way that to deal with her stress over the upcoming visit, Brienne buried herself in schoolwork. That's exactly what a lot of people - including myself - do to distract themselves from something that's anxiety- provoking. It's subtle, but it's those sorts of small things that really make Brienne three-dimensional and, to be honest, one of my favorite OCs that I've ever read. She's certainly my favorite who's written in the Hogwarts era.
And, while I really adore Brienne, I don't want to forget her father in all of this. You're really doing a great job portraying a man who clearly loves his daughter and is trying to do what's right by her, despite a terrible situation and the fact that they've spent the vast majority of her life apart. You've also done a good job at alluding to other things that her father does when she's not around - he very clearly has his own life, and is not just a plot device so Brienne isn't an orphan. That's really important, and it's wonderful that you're managing it so well.
Other:
One thing that stood out to me was in the very beginning of the chapter, you mention Brienne bringing Nyx up to the attic to feed him. That seemed a bit odd to me for two reasons. First, if her father has largely been living alone, it seems strange that he'd have a house large enough to have an attic. Second, why does Brienne feel the need to take her pet upstairs into what is probably a cold and dusty room to feed him? It just seemed a little strange to me.
Okay. Hopefully this was a good enough review for you to forgive me for making you wait so long.
[review transferred from HPFF]
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