FanficTalk Archive
Unleash Your Fandom
Hey, this is Beeezie, here with your review!
Yay! I was so glad when I saw that you'd requested another chapter. I missed your story.
Canon/Continuity:
- Mentioning how underage magic might be detected if both Brienne and her father used it at the same time was an interesting touch, and I liked it.
- I liked the mention of it being unlucky to not be buried with your wand.
- Having Fred and George send their packages via Brienne's owl was a perfect touch, as they didn't really have a convenient owl to use.
Characterization:
- Douglas: Toward the beginning of the chapter, you depict him as being hesitant to leave her alone; that worked really, really well for me, given what they've just experienced. He wasn't overprotective, but he was clearly quite cautious, and you didn't overplay that at all. I also liked that you didn't bring conversations about her friends and school too much into this chapter; it felt true to life.
- Brienne: Again, you've done a great job with her. It's the little things that you have a real talent for, I think; things like her brushing her hair and using the bathroom before going downstairs, or her aversion to the idea of polishing her mother's wand, really make her a realistic, three-dimensional character.
- Her friends: There wasn't much of them in this chapter, obviously, but what there was was great. The gifts Angelina and Paisley got her fit how you've depicted their friendships perfectly, and once again, I think that you've done a great job at differentiating between Fred and George and giving them very different personalities in a way that many fanfic authors don't. You've also done a great job at moving along her romance with George.
Can't wait for the next chapter! :)
Hey, it's Beeezie, here with your review!
Canon/Continuity:
- I wondered whether she would have taken her entire trunk home. I suppose we don't see enough to really know if that's generally what happens, and in Order of the Phoenix we may have in fact seen their trunks getting delivered. However, given that Christmas holiday last for about two weeks (if my memory serves me correctly), I doubt that she'd cart home a year's worth of stuff, especially since she presumably has some clothing at home.
- How did her father know Muffliato? That seemed off to me. It was a spell that Snape made up, and one that I doubt he shared.
- You say that she's rarely spent holidays with her father, but I thought you said in an earlier chapter that she spent every other Christmas with him.
- Interesting choice to allow French students to use magic underage outside of school. I wanted a bit more of a justification for it, or some kind of age cutoff - are eleven year olds really allowed to just use magic whenever?
Characterization:
- You're doing a good job at portraying her father as caring about his daughter a lot but still figuring out how to be involved and trying to catch up.
- Brienne's snapping at him about how he lost her mother years ago, her starting to apologize, and stopping herself was perfect. It's true, it makes sense as a response, and it's certainly in keeping with a girl who has lost her mother and wants to understand why.
Good chapter!
Aw, now I'm all caught up. Sad! There's literally nothing of yours that I haven't reviewed at this point. :( Feel free to request in the future! :)
[review transferred from HPFF]
I'm here with your review! (Oh, man, I'm almost caught up! :( )
I foresee this review being short and rather lame, because I really don't have much to say about this chapter! (In a good way, though!)
I didn't notice any mechanical issues other than some double lines here and there, and that when Brienne started freaking out at Lee, I wasn't always sure who was talking.
Other than that, your characterization continues to be terrific - you've got a great grasp on how Fred and George are different, and I also think that you've got a nice grasp on Lee. I would have liked to see a bit more of a reaction from Paisley, but other than that, this was a great chapter that moved along both the plot and Brienne and George's relationship quite well. :)
[review transferred from HPFF]
Yeah, this cliffhanger? Not nice. Not nice at all.
Which really makes it the perfect way to end the story, especially since you got the sequel up and posted pretty quickly. (I cannot wait to see how that goes.) The fact that you ended the story this way actually makes me appreciate the last chapter even more than I already did, because it really was the end of Brienne's story for this book. I wasn't really sure what the epilogue would entail, but I liked it a lot! It was very intriguing, and left a lot of unanswered questions for me in a way that makes me hungry to get into the sequel!
The one suggestion I would make is that I think you could go through and tighten up the description a bit. There were a few points where I wasn't really sure who was speaking, and I would have liked to get a bit of a better image in my mind of the setting. Overall, though, excellent job!
[review transferred from HPFF]
*transferred from HPFF*
I feel like a broken record saying this, but I adore your characterisation.
The paragraph about Brienne liking the fifth year girls' bathroom was absolutely perfect. That's something that a lot of people don't understand, I think - looking good often really is about looking good for yourself, and you don't give two figs what the rest of the world thinks. That's especially true when you're sick (or, at least, it is for me), and the way you linked the two and articulated the sentiment was just perfect.
I also continue to love the way you insert different canon Gryffindors into this and extrapolate about their relationships with each other. I'd never really thought Angelina's relationships with the other Weasleys, but this was perfect: Percy as "deathly dull" and Ron as a "bit annoying" made so much sense in the context of what we know about Angelina and how you've developed her character throughout the story.
Along the same lines, I continue to appreciate the way that you're keeping Brienne removed from a lot of the canon characters outside her year, especially the trio. The mention that she hasn't ever really spoken to Ron, the fact that she still clearly doesn't really know Harry - it works, and it helps keep this feeling realistic.
I'm not entirely sure that she wouldn't even know Hermione's name halfway through the year, since Hermione is pretty well known, especially in the Weasley circle, but you didn't overstate it, and I could certainly believe that in the middle of the night Brienne wouldn't immediately place her, because she's just not that important in Brienne's life. Ditto Malfoy - what does Brienne care about a random Slytherin kid two years below her? That's all especially true since she's only been there for half a year.
You handled the Sirius Black scene perfectly. The twins had an appropriate reaction without veering into being too serious, and the idea that Sirius Black attempting to kill Ron in Gryffindor Tower (well, as far as they know) would have an impact on Brienne, whose mother has been murdered and who has just learned that someone may be trying to kill her makes perfect sense.
I think my favorite line was, "She isn't crying, she's hyperventilating." I'm not sure why that came across as so funny to me, but it definitely did.
I do think that you may have missed a paragraph, though - toward the end, Brienne goes from feeling like she's intruding to falling into an armchair, and I had the impression that they were sitting already. Other than that, though, amazing amazing job.
Sorry this review is rather short and unconstructive. I would be more constructive, it's just that I have nothing bad to say. :P
Author's Response:Hi! I continue to thank you very much for taking the time to transfer all of your reviews over! Your reviews are some of my very favourites so it gives me such a treat to read them again :) So thank you!
P.S I will get to reviewing your story soon, I promise!
*transferred from HPFF*
Canon/Continuity
This is just a minor detail, but you know how I am with those. :P I loved the little mention of Angelina working with Wood on Quidditch strategies. Harry didn't really pay much attention to that sort of thing, so we never saw that in canon, but it does make a lot of sense that she would, given that she was appointed captain after him. It's complements canon nicely.
Characterization
I liked the way you described Brienne and her friends preparing for the OWLs. I felt like you approached it in a realistic way and didn't go overboard - it makes sense that she'd see less of Paisley, who's in a different house, and I loved the fact that they were so busy that they didn't really have time to talk about their holidays.
I also liked the way that you segued into how happy Brienne was to be back despite all of that. Given what she discovered over the holidays, I can understand why she'd want to get back to Hogwarts where she could see her friends. Her relationship with her father is strong, but it seems to me like being with him is also kind of a reminder of what happened to her mother, so even beyond everything else that's different, he can't really draw her out of herself in the same way.
However, you also didn't make it as simple as, "Brienne is back at Hogwarts so everything is perfect!" She clearly becomes a bit of a bystander in her circle of friends at times, and she was definitely a bit hypersensitive (as shown in her reaction to Lee's joking about the kiss). Her character continues to be consistent and realistic, which is one of my favourite parts of this story. (And why, like a bad person, I usually read the new chapter as soon as I see it and then go to review it at a later point.)
Just my take on it. Maybe I'm reading into things that aren't there.
I'm also continuing to like the way you're developing Fred, George, and Angelina's characters in general - it works nicely with what we see in canon, but you also go far beyond that. Both what you show of their personalities - mocking Snape, waxing poetic about the Firebolt - and how they react to her being more withdrawn and unhappy is perfect. You show the difference in her relationship with each of them in subtle ways (especially when she leaves to go outside and George and Angelina eventually go and get her), which is another aspect of this story that I really love.
So yeah. Definitely shorter, and I hope you're not disappointed at the lack of CC. I really can't think of much you could improve about this chapter - it's beautifully done, and I can't wait for the next one!
Author's Response:Thank you so much! :D
*transferred from HPFF*
Loved this!
Characterization:
Once again, you are a master at characterisation. Brienne is absolutely incredible in this. The way you describe her physical reaction to everything that she'd learned was absolutely perfect. From her vomiting and shaking in the bathroom to her sobbing in bed at the end, you really portrayed grief and tension very well - as you have throughout the story. She responded in a way that felt natural and reasonable, both in general human terms and in terms of what you've established about Brienne's character thus far.
A lot of the details you included really added to this. Her feeling like her father and Stanley must be able to hear her heartbeat, her going-to-bed routine, her father standing in the doorway, her holding onto her mother's wand… honestly, I could just go on and on, because you did an amazing job with this entire chapter. I also thought that the direction her thoughts went once she was in bed were terrific, and definitely opened the door for some stress and tension in coming chapters.
The only issue I had here was that I wanted a little more explanation of why she couldn't pretend that she didn't have feelings for George any longer. I mean, that's obviously been building, but I want to know why that's popping into her head along with all of this. Is it because she's worried about him being safe if he gets involved with her? I can guess at it, but I just wanted a couple more sentences of explanation (or even of establishing that the thought came out of the blue).
I think that you were right to cut this off where you did. It's a short chapter, yes, especially compared to the recent ones, but I think you covered exactly what you needed to in it, and jumping over to anything else would have just ended up coming off as awkward.
As always, this was a real pleasure to read. I'm sorry it's so short and mostly unconstructive praising. <3
Author's Response:I will never say no to praise, especially if it comes from you! :D Thank you so much again!
*transferred from HPFF*
Canon/Continuity:
I love the fact that you made it necessary for Brienne to train her owl. That's something that we never really got to see in the books, but it's entirely plausible that most owls did not come already able to make full deliveries. As with many little details you've included in the story thus far, this supplements canon rather than contradicts it. Excellent.
I was less sure about the fact that she was practicing spells and making potions. IIRC, all potions require spells, and she's technically not allowed to use magic outside of Hogwarts. I would believe that she's doing the spells illegally for practice, but the potion was a little much. It also seemed odd that Nyx managed the trip to Scotland and back in the space of a couple hours to deliver the potion.
However, you're continuing to do a great job at alluding to the events going on at Hogwarts just enough that it works. Brienne doesn't have inside knowledge about the break-in, and they're not spending a lot of time on it, but it would be unrealistic for it to not come up in this situation or in her narrative as a whole. I did think that a side thought or comment from her about Ron might have been appropriate, given that he's Fred and George's brother, though - maybe if you paired it with, "The idea of a murderer at Hogwarts" etc?
I also liked the fact that you had Stanley say Voldemort's name. While most people didn't like to say it, it's clear that some people who weren't Dumbledore were willing to - Lupin, Sirius, and Kingsley, for example. It makes sense to me that Aurors would be more likely to be okay with that. Excellent job. However, I did think that Stanley's wife killing six death eaters and being taken out by Voldemort was a bit much. The idea that she was able to fight hard enough alone against at least seven wizards/witches (presumably more) to kill most of them felt unrealistic. I'd cut down the number a little or add something else in to make it more plausible.
Characterization:
I really liked the way that Brienne thought about Bernadette and her motherly instincts. It's an interesting dimension to her character that you've kind of hinted at before but not come out and said until now. I feel like you're building on Brienne's character slowly but surely every chapter, and you're doing a really incredible job at it.
I also loved the way that to deal with her stress over the upcoming visit, Brienne buried herself in schoolwork. That's exactly what a lot of people - including myself - do to distract themselves from something that's anxiety-provoking. It's subtle, but it's those sorts of small things that really make Brienne three-dimensional and, to be honest, one of my favorite OCs that I've ever read. She's certainly my favorite who's written in the Hogwarts era.
And, while I really adore Brienne, I don't want to forget her father in all of this. You're really doing a great job portraying a man who clearly loves his daughter and is trying to do what's right by her, despite a terrible situation and the fact that they've spent the vast majority of her life apart. You've also done a good job at alluding to other things that her father does when she's not around - he very clearly has his own life, and is not just a plot device so Brienne isn't an orphan. That's really important, and it's wonderful that you're managing it so well.
Other:
One thing that stood out to me was in the very beginning of the chapter, you mention Brienne bringing Nyx up to the attic to feed him. That seemed a bit odd to me for two reasons. First, if her father has largely been living alone, it seems strange that he'd have a house large enough to have an attic. Second, why does Brienne feel the need to take her pet upstairs into what is probably a cold and dusty room to feed him? It just seemed a little strange to me.
I don't have much to say about the answers she's gotten yet other than that you did a terrific job with that scene and I cannot wait to find out more. I seriously love this story.
Author's Response:Thank you :D You are such a star! I hope to finish reuploading Joker soon, so I can continue with the sequel! It's been such a long time since I've written, I hope I still know how!
I'm so happy you came back and are uploading this here, I am loving revisiting Brienne. <3
Canon/continuity:
- Worked well with what we know about Hogsmeade, and you added in some interesting products.
Characterization:
- Brienne's reaction to her mother's death continues to be perfect. She has a clear reaction when Angelina makes the off-handed comment and when Fred is talking about his mother, and that's important. However, she also recovers and moves on, which shows some development in the healing process.
- The conversations about what to get their love interests were perfect (especially Fred telling George to stop thinking about Brienne naked)
You are such an amazing writer, never stop.
Another good chapter!
Canon/Continuity:
- I'm continuing to love your portrayal of Cadogan. It's spot-on.
- I love your interpretation of dementors. As with several other things you've done throughout the story, you've added to the canon in a way that compliments rather than contradicts. Terrific.
- I liked the fact that most people were not able to make a Patronus, and the first person that was was not someone we knew.
- Good portrayal of Trelawney.
Characterization:
- You continue to portray friendship and emotions in general very realistically. Paisley is worried about Brienne, but wants to check on her sister; Angelina is briefly annoyed at Brienne for not telling her, but quickly gets over it. That makes sense - or at least, it's how the people I know would behave!
- Along that vein, good development of Brienne's friendship with Angelina.
- Good interpretation of Fred and George when you say they don't really like emotions that aren't happy.
- You're continuing to portray Brienne's grief well; she's not consistently mopey, but this was one of her worst moments, and it came at a time that made absolute sense. You also showed that sharing with Angelina helped to ease it. Good job.
- McGonagall's character was a bit more iffy for me, and here's why: while I can understand why she might be asking after Brienne's mental state, the way you portrayed it didn't seem quite like her. Pulling Brienne out of any class didn't seem very like McGonagall, even if it was Divination, and questioning Brienne's friendship with Fred and George just didn't make much sense to me.
Other than that, there were just a couple other issues I had. I wasn't sure why Fred smirked knowingly when she stayed behind to talk to Lupin - it just seemed like a weird response. I also would have liked to see her mention Angelina and Paisley by name in the letter - just mentioning Fred and George and "a couple girls" kind of sells them short.
On the whole, another great chapter. :)
(originally posted 9/21/11 on HPFF)
Great job.
Canon/Continuity:
- The Quidditch practices being increased to almost every night made sense, except that I recall you saying that they were most nights before now.
- I don't remember when Snape assigned the third-years the werewolf essay, but if it was at this point, I'm not sure what I think about him not assigning the fifth-years that. On one hand, they are in a different year, but on the other, wasn't he trying to out Lupin (so to speak)?
- Loved the interaction with Cadogan.
- Are they called "Aurors" in France?
Characterization:
- Brienne: She's coming along quite nicely. Making her start to have coping issues because she has more time to herself, is sleeping poorly, and is stressed from homework works well. You can only repress for so long, especially when you can't distract yourself.
- Love the way your portraying Lee so far, though I would have liked to see more of him earlier on.
All in all, another good chapter. :)
(originally posted 9/21/11 on HPFF)
<3
Canon/continuity:
- Nice presentation of the Fat Lady's being gone. I liked the fact that you had a few Ravenclaws notice it, members of different houses must occasionally pass by the entrances to other houses.
- I didn't love the description "slashed to pieces by an unknown criminal" - it seemed too leading. Cutting up a portrait doesn't make someone a criminal. Just "slashed to pieces" (or even "slashed to pieces by an unknown vandal") would have worked better for me.
- Brienne taking off her robe surrounded by people seemed odd to me.
Characterization:
- There wasn't much character development here, other than our getting a better sense of Brienne's friendship with Angelina and how attached she's gotten to her friends at Hogwarts, which is good. (I'm not complaining. You didn't need major character development.)
The only thing in this chapter that jumped out at me as being problematic were your transitions. There were just a lot of them, and they weren't very smooth. "It was later" following the students being ordered back to the Great Hall just could have been handled more elegantly - for example, "Once they'd reached the Great Hall..." or something. Does that make sense?
At any rate, I did enjoy this chapter, as always. <3
I love this story.
Canon/Continuity:
- You imply during the lesson that Fred and George are working together on the potion. Sometimes in the books students did team up, IIRC, but then Brienne's working alone didn't make sense. When Snape goes around, Fred and George each have a potion. It was a little confusing.
- I did, however, like the way you depicted making a potion and talked about what could go wrong.
Characterization:
- Brienne does not seem to be a fan of everything Fred and George do, which is something I actually like a lot. Often, I think fanfic writers fall into the trap of making their OCs adore canon characters, which isn't realistic. The side comment Brienne makes about not wanting to hear them complain about Snape was good.
- I liked the way you portrayed her becoming closer with Angelina while also setting up Fred/Angelina and moving George/Brienne along. Nice job.
On the whole, this was another great chapter. :)
(originally posted 9/19/11 on HPFF)
Amazing chapter!
Canon/Continuity:
- Nice description of a Divination class, and nice alluding to the cards potentially working without coming out and saying that it hadn't been a coincidence.
- Brienne says that she only likes the lessons that other people hate, but I don't recall anyone hating Charms or Herbology. I remember them being fairly popular classes.
- It didn't make sense to me that the Quidditch team was practicing "nearly every day" - there are four teams, and not nearly enough hours for them all to do that, and even with Wood being Wood, I didn't believe that they practiced more than 4 times a week at the absolute most.
- I like the fact that you're not making Harry a huge character, but if she's become close to a lot of the Quidditch team, I'd like to see some mention of him and Wood.
Characterization:
- You continue to do the twins well - they're pulling off exactly the sort of pranks I imagine them doing. I also like the way that you have her appreciating many of the pranks without becoming a third miscreant. - Her anger and fear is done quite well.
- If she didn't want to see the future, why did she take Divination? I wanted some explanation for that choice.
Overall, this is a strong chapter. I really don't have much criticism. :)
(originally posted 9/19/11 on HPFF)
Omgggg I remember making that CI ages and ages ago. Wowwww that is a blast to the past. :P
Great chapter!
Canon/Continuity:
- I liked the use of Crookshanks. Many authors - myself included - often don't think to include interactions with animals in their stories, but we know that Crookshanks was wandering around the tower, and you used it well.
- "Many" Quidditch practices didn't make sense to me. If it's only been a couple weeks, how many practices could they have had? Five at most?
- I also want to commend you on your handling of the plot of the actual book. You're doing a great job at not contradicting anything but not overlapping much, either - which is especially good because it makes sense, given Brienne's social circle.
Characterization:
- At this point, Brienne has a very clear personality that is neither boring nor cliche, which is good. This chapter, I especially loved her using French when she didn't want others to understand her (I grew up in a multi-lingual community - that is totally what we do), the fact that you kept her angst at a reasonable and realistic level, and the way you made her oblivious to her chemistry with George.
- I didn't really have a problem with any of what was there, but I wanted more. Why does Brienne especially like Angelina? Who are Katie and Alicia as people? How comfortable is she with them? I didn't get much sense of their personalities. That would have been fine if there had been a lot of other things going on in the chapter so Brienne's oversight made sense, but there wasn't, so I wanted more.
My biggest complaint about this chapter really is that I wanted more. Not that I didn't want the chapter to end, but just that I want more detail and more of a sense of how the characters were relating to each other, if that makes sense.
Overall, it was a very good chapter, though, and I enjoyed reading it! :)
Another solid chapter!
Canon/Continuity:
- Nice description of the common room - you don't contradict anything that I remember from the books, but you're not just recycling it, either.
- You continue to do a great job with the DADA lessons. Lupin teaching the charm to fifth years makes complete sense to me. My only problem was that he seemed to be saying that it someone might question him doing so, and my impression of DADA has always been that it crosses into different subjects when it applies. After all, Lupin does teach the third years about magical creatures.
- Telling the twins apart. How is it that Brienne doesn't seem to be having any trouble with it when occasionally their own mother can't tell them apart? I wanted to see some reason - different clothing or different body language or something.
Characterization:
- This continues to be (in my opinion) your major strength. Some of the things I liked:
- Your description of Brienne's feelings about Luna was perfect and quite realistic. Luna is quite odd, and three years younger than Brienne. The first people you meet in a new place often aren't the people you ultimately become close to, and you navigated that perfectly.
- Your portrayal of her friendship with the twins is perfect and well-suited to who the twins are as people. The same closeness would not make sense if she was friends with Harry, because Harry is a rather distant person when it comes to serious emotions. The twins are not. It works.
- The ways you're portraying the romance with George is also terrific. It's being introduced early, but it seems like you'll be building on it for awhile first, which is good. The signs are not so subtle that I missed them, but I also didn't feel like you were beating me over the head with them.
There were only a couple other problems I had:
One has been an issue since the first chapter, and I've been hoping you could address it but thus far, you haven't. Why did Brienne need to transfer? Theoretically, it's not like she couldn't have just come to England from France on the holidays - magic, you know? It would have been nice to see just a quick mention of a law or something saying that you needed to be a resident of the country to go to the school or something like that. You also jumped around a little bit timewise, and I wish you'd had smoother transitions.
Otherwise, terrific chapter, and I hope you're continuing to find my reviews helpful!
Her reaction to seeing Harry was perfect to me - it wasn't overdone or blase. She was certainly surprised, but she processed it and moved on. That's a silly thing in a lot of ways, but it's the little things as much as the big that make a difference, and it's the little things that are harder to get right. I also loved your portrayal of Fred and George, and the way you depicted a more advanced class under Lupin was quite interesting.
I'll see what you do with the Lupin backstory with her parents before I judge it, though I wasn't sure about the way you made it happen. Lupin seemed a little OOC there, which is really the only time any of the characters thus far have struck me that way.
The only other problem I had was with Beauxbatons. The impression I've been getting is that everyone in Hogwarts (especially the boys) think that Beauxbatons is awesome and full of amazingly beautiful girls. Given that the number of transfer students is either quite low or nonexistent, and that we don't really see such an attitude in the books even after the Beauxbatons students arrive, it seemed out of place to me.
Again, though, this was another very enjoyable chapter. Feel free to keep rerequesting! :)
Another great chapter! :)
I love Sortings in general, so I was interested to read how you portrayed this. I thought it was great. You portrayed her nervousness and embarrassment perfectly. I liked that fact that since she is an outsider who knows very little about each house, you really didn't give her an opinion about where she got Sorted.
And, as far as interactions with housemates goes - Again, you did this perfectly. She's not being shunned or ignored - the impression that I got is that everyone is perfectly friendly, but not very concerned with the new girl because they're too busy catching up with the friends they haven't seen in several months. That's quite realistic to me, as was the fact that she didn't seem to mind very much. The impression that I've gotten is that her mother has died - whatever happened, she's clearly fairly depressed and probably not focusing on whether or not she has friends.
On the whole, it's a great chapter! I hope that this review is helpful. :)
Hi, stopping in for review tag.
I know transfer students have been done before but, like time travel, they can be hard to resist. I appreciate that you did a few things to make Brienne's transfer to Hogwarts more believable. First off, she has a tie to Britain. Secondly, it's more than "you moved in 7th year, when we consider you a legal adult but will for some reason ship you across the world so you can go to Hogwarts". The other thing is her inner conflict, which I want to touch on in more detail.
I think it was great that you spent so much time with Brienne thinking about her past and present experiences, how they differ and how they're the same. Her weighing pros and cons for each school (uniforms, other students, and the like) is great. People tend to struggle with change and for a 15-year-old with a family crisis her trying to make the best of a bad situation but still wishing it hadn't happened it made perfect sense.
One question: why would everybody at Beaubatons look the same? Your description sounded sort of like Fleur and Gabrielle, but theirs were for veela blood. I suppse this could be the "cool girls" but I was just wondering.
Oh yeah - having her sit with Luna was a good choice. It seems like random new students (or even first years) always end up sitting with people who become their BFFs. Having her sit with a student who would not judge, but who she would not later be best friends with (I'm assuming) was a nice touch that made this stand out from other fics.
I would love to have seen a bit more detail. She and Luna have both lost their mums, so that could be something that came up post-Dementor or even hinted at a bit during the Dementor attack.
Anyway, I enjoyed this. An intriguing first chapter. :) Her melancholy ways (however understandable at the time) will be an interesting match for the Weasley twins.
Author's Response:Hi there! I'm so sorry, I thought I'd already responded to this!
Thank you for the lovely review, I'm glad it all made sense and didn't seem like too much of a push to make sense.
Yeah, the Beauxbatons thing is sort of supposed to refer to the popular girls who get all of the attention. Maybe I should tweak that description a bit.
Thanks again! :D
*Transferred from HPFF*
Tag!
This is a great chapter, and I really liked the character development that comes out here. You've introduced more of a mystery surrounding Brienne's mum and I am so curious to find out more (as Brienne must be, as well!) I liked Brienne's star-struck moment at seeing the Boy Who Lived, haha.
The twins! I love them, and the way they marched Brienne to class was hilarious. Despite all the angsty sad things going on in Brienne's life, she's not going to be able to dwell on them too much with Gred and Forge around. And I think that'll be good for her. I liked her reaction to them too, her bewilderment and attempts to brush them off!
I also liked when you mentioned all her previous interactions with Hogwarts boys, especially how they had been asking if any girls at Beauxbatons needed a pen pal. I would have loved to read more of that, I think it'd be a really entertaining scene, lol.
One of my favourite things in fanfiction is actually just the everyday stuff at Hogwarts. Classes, friendship, etc. and I loved the way you did that in this chapter, with the DADA scene. Lupin was spot on, and that seemed just like a lesson he would teach on the first day. Well done!
I see that this story is completed, so you may be done editing it, lol. But just in case you go back to edit, there are a few things in here you might want to look at:
Brienne was at a loss to what they were now up to.
You used that phrase twice within a few paragraphs, so it seemed a little repetitive. Maybe one of the times you could re-word it a little.
And here... Lupin stood up straight and made his way to the back of the class, where he lifted his wand and conjured a large figure, something that looked like a mannequin made of tin, out of thin air. Lupin made his way back to the front of the class,
you started off two sentences with "Lupin". That's an easy fix though, you could just change one to "he".
Those little things aside, this was a great chapter and I'm really enjoying the story!
PS: HI AND WELCOME TO HPFT/ WELCOME BACK TO FANFIC! I remember you from HPFF (new username now, but I was marauderfan there) and haven't seen you around for a while so I was really excited to see this story appear here. :)
Author's Response:Hi! Wow, it is so kind of you to copy your reviews over! It made my day so thank you! Yeah, I've been away for a long time, nice to be (sort of) back! Thanks again :D
Transferred from HPFF*
Review tag!
This was a well written chapter. I particularly liked when the first years all looked to Brienne to walk in first to the sorting - obviously because all the first years are worried and she's the tallest, the oldest, they sort of make her the leader. It seemed very natural. But poor Brienne - no one wants that as a new student! :-/
I liked Ron's cameo, just eating his huge pile of food and ignoring the new student. Way to go Ron, lol. And I think it's cool that in this story you can kind of do whatever you want for the sorting and still keep it canon, because Harry wasn't there for the sorting. So it didn't seem odd to have a transfer student being sorted.
The only thing I wondered about was why Brienne got nervous about Slytherin after hearing the hat sing about it. The hat's song wasn't included here, but I could hardly imagine it singing "And Slytherin sucks because they're all evil!" Generally I feel like the sorting hat just says stuff about ambition or cunning, which I don't think is enough to make someone nervous...? (But there's also a lot I don't know about Brienne at this point so maybe that was intentional.)
All in all this was a solid chapter! :) I can't wait for Brienne to be introduced to her roommates. And the twins!
Transferring reviews over from HPFF to here! :)
Review tag!
I like Brienne's interactions with the characters we know - saw Malfoy in there for sure, with his "when my father hears about this!" comments haha. (Loved that Brienne called him a spoiled princess, too) And I think Luna is a perfect person to meet for someone who's new and has just dealt with death in the family (I'm assuming that's why she's so detached in this chapter, given the story summary.)
It'll be interesting to see Brienne's comparisons between Hogwarts and Beauxbatons, which she's done a bit of in this chapter but I'm sure she'll have more to say when all the uncivilised aspects of Hogwarts (i.e. Peeves) show up!
I think your characterisation of the canon characters is generally good. There were a couple of things Luna said that seemed a bit OOC ("How old are you, may I ask?" sounds a bit formal and polite for her.) But I loved how she was talking about pie when the Dementors showed up - I think that is very Luna :)
This is a good first chapter, you did a good job setting the story up. Great work!
Author's Response:Hi! Thanks so much for transferring your reviews over, that's so kind of you :)
There were a couple points where I wasn't sure about your descriptions or word choice - for example, when you said that everyone at Beauxbatons looks the same, I was a little confused because I didn't understand the relevance and, more importantly, I didn't find it plausible. Why would they all look the same? I also didn't love the way you described Brienne's appearance - it felt a little forced to me. I might have liked it better if Luna had asked her why she looked so sick, and if a [insert random animal that only Luna and Xenophilius believe in here] had attacked her recently.
There were also some weird formatting things - more spaces in some places and fewer in others where it didn't really make sense. However, I know how annoying the formatting can be, so I don't fault you too much for that! :P
Other than those (which are obviously really minor), it's a good opening chapter. Transfer students are so overdone (and usually badly) that it's always important to be careful when you're writing them, but I think that you walked the line really well. You wrote Luna quite well, and given that Luna is so difficult to write, I'm quite impressed.
On the whole, this is a great job!
Author's Response:Hi! :) Thank you for copying your review over!
Any access or use of the FanficTalk Archive is conditioned upon compliance with our Site Guidelines and Terms of Service and the Copyright Policy and Privacy Policy contained therein. Should you have any questions about them, you are very welcome to contact any of our archive validators. For advanced searching, please click here.
Any characters, source code, text, or titles contained herein which are recognizable as copyrighted material are the sole property of their owners.