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Unleash Your Fandom
I just read through this review and I want to hide under my desk. Old habits die hard, huh? Or maybe not at all. Sheesh!
Hey there Dan,
I recently realized how incredibly long it's been since I left you a review and I actually read this chapter THREE TIMES with the intent of reviewing and ummm... I get sorta busy?
But I have this weird thing of not letting myself read ahead so that I can leave a review with predictions and reactions without knowing what is going to happen next.
Ok. Done with the rambling half-explanation and on to the proper review.
Loved the switch to Draco and Astoria in this chapter. As usual, you did a fantastic job with their characters. And I'm actually in complete and total awe of the connections between the little subtleties that you mention in this chapter and the happenings of Detox. Did you base that entire story off of the details you gave in this chapter? Or did you go back and edit this chapter to reflect what goes on in that story? OR... are your notes, head canon and back stories so in depth that you always had their story in your head and you just decided to write it on a whim? Because I would never, ever, ever believe that this story was written first. I'm just astounded.
And I'm pretty much in love with Astoria here. I might even love her more than your Narcissa - maybe. She is smart, clever and loyal (where her family is concerned). She knows how to play the game and how to manipulate (I don't love using that word here, but it fits) her husband. I think her personality blossomed over the years because we only saw an inkling of these traits in Detox. She was only sixteen during that story and had a lot of other things going on - falling in love, trying not to be killed, blah, blah, blah. Pure genius to have her character grow into her full potential here. Or rather, working backwards, have it be less developed in her teen years for that story (I still can't believe that was written after this).
Back to Astoria, she gives her husband the advice he needs, not the advice he wants, helps him search the manor and even tries to play her cards with Hermione, all to protect her family. Love her.
And Hermione. She is perfect. She realizes instantly what Astoria is up to and won't back down, insisting that they use the "proper channels." Not going to play Astoria's game. I just am so excited to see someone portray these characters with their true personalities.
What is going on?! Hermione sure has a penchant for being in the wrong place at the wrong time. She was right to be suspicious. Hmmm... Is this couple looking for the same thing that Flint wanted from Draco? I'm wondering if they are working together or separately...
Someone was killed? Everything went black for Hermione. No. You wouldn't. You already had Ginny murdered. You could not possibly do this to me. I need my Hermione. I guess I'll just have to read on to find out what happens next!
♥ Beth
Hello, again. Hello. Another day. Another couple of review transfers!!
Hello Dan,
You were right - this chapter is much less intense in terms of emotions. But it was no less enjoyable to read! Lots of good information here, and knowing you, most of it is in place to set up the mystery part of the story.
I have to keep reminding myself that we are two generations out from the dark times when Voldemort terrorized the Wizarding world. On one hand, it seems crazy that the sacrifices and hardships would be so easily forgotten, but when you think about it - it is totally believable. I liken it to the Muggle WWII. My grandfather fought, but I am sure that I will never fully appreciate the service he and his contemporaries provided to our country - and the world. And the next generation can't even relate because they don't even have relatives to recount the stories. Growing up in a world that always feels safe has a distinct disadvantage. You could tell that even Harry's grandson doesn't fully understand the situations that his grandparents and great-grandparents were in. While everyone wants the best for our kids, history is bound to repeat itself if we don't educate.
On that note, I am flabbergasted at the serious lack of instruction the students are getting on this topic. I can see Neville's issue. No one ever seemed to enjoy History of Magic in Harry's time and I'm sure that subject has not increased in popularity over time. Perhaps Hermione would be willing to be a guest lecturer - kind of what Harry does, at least for the older kids. She seemed to be the only one who actually listened in History of Magic and I think she would be really good at setting the record of recent history straight. Ok. You can tell I'm really into your story when I'm giving suggestions and I know it’s been completed for over two years...
Harry seems the happiest when he is working with the kids - or perhaps it is just that he is at Hogwarts - his first true home. Either way, this is a very different Harry than we've seen in previous chapters and it made my heart warm. I was so happy to see that he still has the ability to cast a patronus. It is a small thing, but to me it speaks volumes that the real Harry is still in there, somewhere.
I really love the concept you've created that the more you talk to a portrait, the more it responds. It explains so much about the portraits in the Headmaster's office. Years and years of seeking advice from the current Headmaster or Headmistress has led them to be really chatty and so much like their own personalities from when they were alive. I can't imagine that the Dumbledore and Snape portraits won't agree with Harry about the teachings of recent magical history lessons.
What?! The kids don't even know what dementors are??!! Geez, kids these days - they just live in a bubble of peaceful oblivion, don't they...
Awesome chapter, Dan!
♥ Beth
Hi Dan!! Trying to keep my transfer streak going!
Hey there!
I had a little time this weekend and spent the day reading/reviewing all my must-reads.
I really don't know if I can take another emotionally draining chapter. This one had me tearing up (if I'm being honest, it was more than just tearing up) - and that's something I don't normally do for fanfiction, so I guess you can take that as a compliment - haha!
I know I've said this before and I don't want to sound redundant, but your writing is brilliant. The way you handled the trial scene was perfect. It was captivating yet flowed beautifully. But the scene that followed just tore me up. I felt their emptiness and pain. I already told you I was upset about Ginny, Dan - and now this chapter. Ugh! (I know you're smiling because you like the fact that you've made me feel something - and I can't blame you - you did a great job!)
Geez, Percy. I did not see that coming. Oh man. So that explains why Harry is concerned about Percy's actions in the last chapter. I'm concerned too. Percy going off the deep end could be very bad for him.
My first instinct was that Molly was the killer. She's killed for Ginny before. Although, I must admit that I think the Minister of Magic exercised a serious lack of judgement in sending Ginny's brother - no matter how much he'd proved himself as a Ministry Man through and through. All the same, Percy is Ginny's brother and I guess the Minister thought he had no other options of who to send. He also probably reasoned that Percy would be able to talk whomever showed up out of murdering the Muggle and it would've been swept under the carpet.
I love the portraits. Of course Harry would surround himself with the people most important to him. I'm wondering if there is a reason that he hasn't had one commissioned of Ginny. Maybe he can't bear to interact with her that way.
Sirius is harboring a serious (see what I did there?) grudge against Dumbledore. I'm gonna guess it is because of what Dumbledore put Harry through in DH - and maybe a little has to do with Sirius being holed up in Grimmauld Place during OOTP. Either way, I liked his snarky attitude.
Wow. Harry is that depressed, huh? I thought you characterized Dumbledore perfectly - all knowing and giving out advice in a way that makes you think it was your own idea.
This was another fabulous chapter!
Beth
And, I’m on a roll! Here’s another review transfer for another great chapter!
Hi Dan!
Here for another chapter. Your chapters are long, but riveting. I'm totally sucked in.
The way you've portrayed Harry's grief and loneliness is so real it's uncanny. My heart breaks as I read each inflection or glance at a photograph. He hasn't completely moved on, but he is still living his life. Even as close as he is to Ron and Hermione, he knows (and they do as well) that they can't replace the loss that Harry has suffered. The love between Harry and Ginny that you've described is so deep. It is exactly how I view it. Great job - breaking my heart!! (haha)
I love this Ron and Hermione. They've settled down a bit and come to appreciate each other's quirks. But I can still believe that they go at it every now and again. It is nice to see them enjoying their new granddaughter. I feel like I'm looking at a family photo album.
I can totally see the tumultuous relationship between Rose and Scorpius. She always lets her temper get the best of her, but she does love Scorpius in a way that is deeper than most.
Harry and Rose's relationship is exactly how I picture it. She feels less judged by him than her parents. Sometimes I think it is easier to be understanding of your close nieces and nephews than to your own kids. This works out great for Rose and Harry.
Little Octavia seems a tremendously gifted young witch! I'm trying to place her age. If she's missing a tooth, I'm going to guess around five or six? I also figured Rose was close to forty, but I'm not exactly sure. Sorry, but I can't help myself trying to sort out where everyone is on the timeline and all that...
So Percy acting all weird. He must be close to seventy?? His actions are not just out of character, but they are seriously creepy. I feel like there is more to that story.
The boggart. I must say I see a future Gryffindor in the works. Octavia is brave and bold. I found it really weird that they could hear Ginny's scream in the background. It reminded me of how Harry could hear Lily's scream when the Dementors came near him. Only this time both Rose and Harry heard it - and maybe Octavia as well. You've left a little clue that Ginny was possibly killed by a Muggle with a gun. Hmmm... I guess I'm just gonna have to read on!
Beth
Chapter 2
What’s this?! A two-day streak of review transfers? Well, ah’ll be a niffler’s nephew!
Hey there!
Back for the first official chapter. You've done it to me this time. Oh dear. I was bracing myself for the entire chapter, trying to tell myself that she wasn't dead, not Ginny. But I couldn't convince myself, not after the prologue and the fact that she wasn't talking back to Harry.
I love how you carried their love through generations. And how he is grieving for her. It shows how strong they were and I completely agree that they were fit for each other and completely, wholly in love for ever and ever. Ginny was Harry's first real family. She made him a father and gave him the one thing he craved for so many years. Losing her pulled a part of that away from him.
His favorite thing to talk about is his family. You can hear the pride and contentment in him when he mentions each one of them.
I love that you've chosen to write this from "Grandpa Harry's" POV. It is really ingenious. I haven't seen it done before, but really makes sense. I can also see Harry as a DADA teacher (making assumptions here, but I'm pretty sure that's what he would chose to teach). It is fitting that after he retires as an Auror, he would find fulfillment in sharing his knowledge with others - especially when they include his own grandkids!
Neville as Headmaster! Awesome! My own headcanon is that Neville would find his confidence after killing Nagini and would be a completely different character than he was in the books. Headmaster headcanon accepted!
Of course Harry blames himself for Ginny's death. It's so Harry. This is a great setup for the rest of the story. I'm curious how she died, why Harry thinks he could've saved her and generally what happened. All I know is that Jeremy Gamp is involved somehow - but I'm kind of glad I don't know more because I want to read and find out on my own.
Very captivating first chapter!
♥ Beth
Well hello, hello! Fancy seeing you here. I thought I’d continue my transfer streak. (However, this will have to be the last one for today because I have to get ready for work.) Here we go!
Hi Dan,
I wasn't kidding - I hit submit for my last review on Detox and then immediately clicked over to this.
This is just an awesome Prologue. The reader knows this. We've been here before, right along with Harry. It is warm and safe and hey, the last time we were here, we got to see Dumbledore, so it can't be all bad, right?
I love that Harry isn't bothered by being dead. He's very much like: been there, done that.
But what is Ginny doing here? I remember you left me some reviews early on that told me how attached you were to Rose Weasley, and I must confess that I feel particularly protective of Ginny. I hope you haven't done anything awful to her, Dan. I love Ginny.
Sorry this review is so short - but I'm on to the next chapter!
♥ Beth
On the whole, this was another good chapter. I think that you're moving the plot along well, and I'm really curious to see how it continues to develop. By introducing the mysterious woman and the possibility that Hermione will never walk again, you've definitely introduced some major draws that will definitely keep readers coming back for more.
I do have a few critiques. There were a couple mechanical issues, and as I recall, Nott and Goyle weren't Death Eaters. I also think that you should be careful about how many perspectives you introduce. I'm not saying that any of the ones you've introduced thus far are unnecessary - Astoria's the only one I think you could have reasonably cut out. However, it could start to get unwieldy quickly if you're not careful.
On the whole, however, it was another great chapter, and I'm looking forward to the next one. :)
On the whole, I liked this chapter. It brought the plot along nicely, and it added a bit of intrigue in terms of whether or not Hermione is actually going to survive.
There were just a few things that struck me as slightly problematic.
Astoria not stopping to change her clothes when she was wearing something so inappropriate for daily life struck me as a little unrealistic. Maybe if she had gotten word that Draco was in the hospital, but it takes about 20 seconds to get dressed if you're being really quick about it.
I also didn't love the way you handled Hermione being in St. Mungo's. I didn't buy that Rose and Hugo would leave so quickly after their mother woke up. If my mother was attacked by anything, I wouldn't just stay for a few minutes and then say that my spouse and kids send their regards. I'd say that my spouse could take care of my kids while I sat at my mother's bedside. I also didn't believe that it was "Ron's space" - surely they're past that by now, and it's not inappropriate for Harry to want to at least stop by to see his best friend. I think you could have made him unable to go because of other responsibilities, but as is, I think it could use a little work.
The scene with Draco was also not my favorite. I know you said that he'd probably evolve as a character over this series, but in a lot of ways, that makes it even more problematic - if serving Voldemort didn't reform him, why should this? You know? I just would have liked to see less open animosity between him and Harry, because at this point, if they're at all reasonable adults, I'd have thought that they'd have moved past it.
Other than that, it was a good chapter. :)
This was an interesting chapter. I believe that it's the first one that wasn't through Harry's PoV, which I found a bit jarring at first. That's not a bad thing - I just wasn't expecting it.
I don't see any major mechanical or continuity issues here, so I'm mostly just going to focus on the plot and the character development.
I really liked what you did with Narcissa. It's interesting, and I think it's very true to her character in the books. She was willing to do anything to protect her family, especially her son, and I can easily imagine her putting her foot down. I also liked the fact that you made her reconcile with Andromeda - it's not really unexpected, but it is in keeping with how you've developed her character.
I wasn't as sure about your characterization of Draco. It's possible that it's just because I'm so used to thinking about Draco and Astoria in my next-gen universe that I'm not as flexible as I should be, but it seemed to me that in the 6th and 7th books Draco (and Lucius, to some extent) stopped being so focused on blood purity. I guess that, especially given the way that you've shown significant (not unbelievable, but significant) changes in Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Percy, I would have liked to see more evolution in Draco. Does that make sense?
As far as the plot goes, this was an important piece of the puzzle. However, it did feel a little rushed to me, for a couple reasons. First, this is the first we see of any PoV that isn't Harry's, and because it's such a departure from the rest of the story thus far, I would have liked to see that without so much action immediately accompanying it. Second, the story has been building slowly but surely until now, which made this feel a little odd in comparison.
Overall, a very good chapter. :)
Another great chapter!
Minor continuity issues/questions that arose:
- Neville is offering Harry a full-time job. What about their current Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher? Maybe you'll get to that in a later chapter, but I would have liked to see some mention of it here.
- At least when Harry was in school, my impression was that apparation wasn't possible in Hogwarts period. They had to lift it within the Great Hall specially for the apparation classes. Again, it's very minor, but it raised the question.
- It seemed strange to me that only three seventh years have managed to produce a corporeal Patronus, given that Harry managed to teach at least half of the D.A. to do it when most of them were significantly younger. Obviously with the war there was more pressure to get it right, but even so, I would have expected that at least most of the seventh years and a couple sixth years to have managed it at least once. I know it's supposed to be highly advanced magic, but...
- I didn't love that Harry took them to see dementors and then just let them leave. It's a traumatic experience. I would have liked to see him give them chocolate, at least, and sat with them for a few minutes.
Positives:
- Your depiction of Harry as a character continues to be terrific. His being uncomfortable with being called professor and feeling stupid about calling his grandson Arthur but being comfortable in a teaching capacity is a very realistic blend of what we know about him as a teen and the fact that he's matured a lot. The continued guilt over Tonks, Lupin, and Fred were also perfect - we know how much trouble Harry has with letting things go.
- Interactions with Neville were very believable.
- Nice depiction of the problems the wizarding world is currently facing, especially with the gaps in education and the acknowledgment that something that happened 50 years ago should be taught in history.
- Great depiction of a dueling lesson and new spells.
- The interaction with Alice and Frank was perfect. It brought tears to my eyes. I mean, thinking about Alice and Frank frequently brings tears to my eyes, but you could easily have shown it in a way that didn't make sense and I would have been too focused on that to think about it enough. You neither overplayed it nor underplayed it. Good job.
This was terrific. Keep at it! :)
That's an interesting plot twist that you made quite believable. I think that people frequently turn Percy into a villain and forget how devoted to his family he really was. You took that and went with it, and it turned out well.
There were a few parts that felt less plausible to me. I wasn't convinced that the only people the Wizengamot could have thought were responsible were Harry, Ron, or Hermione - as Harry himself thinks, Ginny had plenty of other loved ones who could easily have committed the crime. Her sons or daughter, for example. I wanted to see a better reason for thinking that Harry, Ron, or Hermione was responsible for the crime than what you gave, especially considering the respect they've earned from the Wizarding world as a whole. There are certainly ways you could have done it, but I wasn't convinced as it is.
Overall, though, another great chapter. :)
A major concern for you was whether you were telling the story clearly or if the details were excessive.
Personally, I think that details are only excessive when they're irrelevant and boring. For example, if you had described what everyone was wearing down to the last detail, that would have been a problem. However, as is, I think that for the most part you're doing fine. You're moving the story along well, and adding just enough mystery and intrigue to keep the reader interested.
The way you've portrayed Harry, Ron, and Hermione now that they're all grandparents was good. It felt true to their characters without feeling like they were stuck in their past. What I liked a little less was some of the detail you used in describing some of the things Harry has done since the War (the Scholarship, the Center, etc) - it was the only point where I felt that the detail was a bit overdone, and I wished you'd held back a bit or found another way to work it in. It just didn't feel relevant in the same way that your mentioning Percy did.
Overall, great work. :)
This was good. What I liked is that you gave us an idea of the time period and stage of Harry's life this is set in without just making it an info dump. It's a plausible way to get the information across without breaking the fourth wall or writing awkward narrative, and a lot of people have trouble doing that.
Something I would have liked to see was more emotion from Harry before he broke down completely, especially when he talks about Narcissa dying. Even if he's trying to speak normally, the fact that he fell apart does indicate that he hasn't really come to terms with her death yet, so I didn't really believe that he'd be able to hold it together in the way you were describing.
Overall, though, it's a good chapter!
I reviewed this forever ago, and it's so nice to revisit it. I love this story so much.
This is a great prologue. The thing that really sticks out for me is that it draws the reader in. It left me wanting to know so much more. Is he dead? If not, why is he there? Is Ginny dead? When is this taking place? It's an incredibly strong prologue, and just as I did when I first discovered it, it left me needing to click to chapter 2. :)
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