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Hello, hello! I'm here for our Hufflepuff swap :D
I loved this opening scene so much. Albus in such a rush but unable to go past his coffee, and the barista not pronouncing his name properly, haha! And who is this mysterious stranger? I'm looking forward to getting to know Evan more!
I absolutely love this detail, haha! - an enchanted window that was showing a downpour of rain and several bolts of lightning with booming thunder; the weather charmers must be trying for another raise.
Also, I'm relating to Albus in this. He's my age, which I love, and I also bully my parents about how my two siblings have regular names and meanwhile you can never find my name on a keyring.
This was a great first chapter! You set up the story so beautifully. I loved hearing about Albus' work as an Auror, plus his relationship with his dad and Quentin, and the introduction of a possible love interest! Your writing is easy and enjoyable read. Can't wait to see what happens next!
Author's Response:Thanks for reviewing so soon! I had fun writing that opening and changed very little before it was finalized. It just felt natural when I was writing it. I feel like I have a good sense of Albus's character in my head as he talks to me, telling me his story. I felt like I had to slip Evan in the first chapter just briefly so that he would get on Albus's radar sooner since the main point is their relationship.
I so got the idea from OotP when Harry went with Mr. Weasley to the MoM on the day of his hearing because the weather charmers had been trying for a raise and was changing the weather daily. Glad you felt you could visualize it when you read it. I love writing active description.
I'm glad you enjoyed this first chapter and hope you continue to like the rest when you get around to reading it. Thanks again!
Aww, Scorpius is such a good friend. I love him. Quentin is cool too but I like Scorpius a lot more.
Author's Response:Thanks!
Aww, Scorpius is such a good friend. I love him. Quentin is cool too but I like Scorpius a lot more.
Author's Response:Scorpius is definitely Albus's best friend, without a doubt. Thanks again for reviewing!
Aww, poor Albus was so nervous. But the dated turned out so well.
Evan is great so far. He seems like he's a great brother and he's very understanding with Albus being new to all this.
I can imagine it must be hard being Harry Potter's son and it's nice that Albus can be just himself.
Author's Response:Yes, definitely wanted to have at least this part of Albus, his sexual identity, being simple where Evan is concerned because there will be conflicts that arise once he starts coming out to his family and friends. Glad you're enjoying it so far.
Ooh, they meet again.
Evan seems cool. Albus has a huge crush on him. I feel like Evan would be a Gryffindor if was a wizard.
I can't wait to read more.
Author's Response:I definitely agree that Evan would so be a Gryffindor if he were a wizard. He's very bold and will go for what he likes/wants.
Hey here for our swap,
I rarely read Next Gen. It's funny to think that this is ten years from now. Albus seems interesting.
He has to deal with his cousin shagging his best friend. I loved hearing about Teddy and Victoire's kids. I'm glad they named their son Remus and their daughter Dory 'Nymphadora'.
I like his Auror partner, Beasley. He seems like a good guy.
Author's Response:Thanks for review swapping! I have a Louis fic over on a03 that I just finished cross-posting from HPFF that I plan to eventually get back to writing and updating. First Albus and Newt fics have what little of my focus I can devote to creative endeavors. But anyway, in my Louis fic, Teddy & Victoire show up quite a bit with their Remus and are pregnant with the twins. My next gen fics are companions in a way since I try my best to stick to canon and the things I add into canon so that I'm consistent. They just focus on different members of the Potter-Weasley Clan.
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Hello! Here to read chapter one of this story :)
I have to say right away, I really agree about coffee being a necessity. Sometimes it’s worth being late, you know?
OH MY GOD
I have done that! I have forgot my wallet and not realized until it was too late. It is MORTIFYING!
Oh oh oh, Albus/Muggle OC? I am intrigued
And Scorose. Ok, ok, I can vibe with this!
Quentin seems like a decent guy, I hope he’s good to Albus
Wow that’s some intense follow up for disorderly conduct. Magical Law Enforcement doesn’t play!
Awww, see Albus? Harry does care! That’s very cute
I’m glad Al has Rose and Scorpius to support him, even though I agree it is hard to be the third wheel. And queer single life is definitely somewhat different from straight single life, so I get where Al is coming from about that, too.
Normally I'd give a more thorough review here, but I'm going to put that off this time for reasons. However, I am looking forward to read more when I have time, and I'm so glad you've come to HPFT and are posting here!
xoxo Renee
Author's Response:Thank you so much for reviewing! I am happy to hear you enjoy where things are leading at the start of the story. Hopefully it continues to hold your interest. I do have plans with reactions for when Albus fully comes out, particularly with Quentin. Nothing bad, but there will be a bit of drama that throws Albus into a brief tailspin.
Author's Response:Thank you so much for reviewing! I am happy to hear you enjoy where things are leading at the start of the story. Hopefully it continues to hold your interest. I do have plans with reactions for when Albus fully comes out, particularly with Quentin. Nothing bad, but there will be a bit of drama that throws Albus into a brief tailspin.
HEYOOOO you awesome writer person! Lily here with your requested review. First off, the way Albus is remembering someone he barely talked to/just crossed paths with is really giving me a Blue Is the Warmest Colour (La Vie D'Adèle) vibe. If you're not familiar with the film then I highly recommend it. But what I mean by that is that this girl just passes this other girl with blue hair and the street and can't stop fantisizing about her and is just worried and blergh. That's what Albus is reminding me of hahahha.
The way you portray Albus half wanting to see him really badly half being too scared/anxious is perfect! I can actually feel Albus's feelings.
Definitely a little weird that Evan recognized Albus but it is the next day after all.
Bro if I were Albus I would have already melted on the floor. I love the straightforwardness but I also kind of hate it?? I'm weird that way. If it's a Mainland European guy (especially Scandinavian) then I'm like yesssss please. But it's so out of character for Brits and North North Americans that it makes me squirm. I'm not familiar with other continents roles in that stuff.
Yaaaas Queen! Go Albus. Oh my God I'm so excited to see what you do with the date. Please please please keep them together I'm so invested in this couple now AND I really really want that whole Seamus Finnigan style "me dad's a muggle, other dad's a wizard. Bit of a nasty shock for him when he found out." And then BOOM explosion hahaha. Just kidding.
Oh my God I hate the visual of "popping us out." It's good writing it's just traumatizing though. Keep it though. It's a love/hate relationship haha.
The Werewolf protest is interesting. Awwww and I love Albus's relationship with his fam at home. Good job! Clap, clap, clap. Everybody clap!!
Nitty picky picks...
1. The sentence [I had no way of knowing whether it was a crush that would even lead somewhere] is a little weirdly worded. Maybe try: I had only seen him once so I had no way of knowing whether or not it was a crush. It wouldn't lead anywhere no matter what it was. OR to me it seem just to be a stupid crush that wouldn't lead anywhere.
2. Puts on my best 12th grade creative writing teacher voice... Arehm, this sentence ["I thought I would never see you again,"] is really cliché. Which could be a good thing or a bad thing.
3. [paths converge] is a little formal. Try paths cross.
BIGGEST LOVES <3...
Great line: throat suddenly feeling like I had stuffed it with cotton balls. It's the perfect sensory description/simile.
I was just randomly wondering (nothing to do with writing ability but also kind of in that it's hard to write as an ESL person)... Is English your first language? Because it's not mine haha! Overall I really love your story and this was another awesome chapter. It's just the perfect amount of everything and really enjoyable to read. The characters are ones you want to be invested in (and are) and the storyline is interesting but not so complicated that it becomes hard to follow.
1st review haha! (Copied and pasted from AO3)
Hi there. Lily here with your request review. First off I really relate to Albus being late. I’m pretty much late for school every morning and my Bio teacher hates me for it (I mean, school is cancelled now so no more problem I guess). I find it interesting how Harry is his son’s boss. God I would not be able to stand that if I were Albus. I really wonder how it affect their home relationship, but I guess I will find out if I read on further haha. Oooooooh, I love how I didn’t even put that I love m/m pairings in my review thread and yet you still seemed to know. Yep, obsessed. So Evan is the male oc huh? That seems interesting. I really love your characters so far!! I hate the name Evan but that’s just because I hate it. It has nothing to do with you or your story bahahaha!! I’ll get over it. My goodness it’s the perfect amount of intrigue, life drama, and slight humour. I am really enjoying this. Keep at it you awesome writer person!!
Just a few nitpicky things… Of course these are always just suggestions and irregardless your story is wonderful!
-you might want to add an ‘a’ before the word button-up. [I had thrown on a pair of trousers and button-up shirt]
-The sentence [Why couldn’t my parents had named me something normal, like James and Lily had been so lucky] poses a little bit of problem. I would separate it into two or three sentences instead: why couldn’t my parents have named me something normal? A name like James and Lily’s. They’d been lucky.
-This: reaching for his own coffee, creates a tautology (basically a repetition), so you don’t need the ‘own.’ Just his coffee.
-I still hadn’t came out to anyone should be I still haven’t COME out to anyone
-You could add a hyphen to make half listened to Quentin, half-listened to Quentin.
-The sentence apparently the offenders… could use a comma: apparently, the offenders…
There are a few other little things but they don’t distract too much from the readability of the story and running them through a grammar checker briefly would help.Overall I really enjoyed your story! It seems like a very interesting beginning to a delightful novel and I’m excited to read more!!
Yours,
ImaRavenclaw
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