Name: potionspartner (Signed) · Date: 18 Jul 2019 03:47 PM · For: Chapter 1

Hey Emma,

I have to admit. It was the title that grabbed my attention. Marlene’s secret. Perhaps I should have seen it coming, but I didn’t-the exhaustion, the secrets. I was duped into thinking she was pregnant. (It probably would have helped if I read Passionfruit first instead of afterward.) 

Great job with Sirius. You’ve still kept his suave, laid-back attitude that girls drool over, the Sirius we all expect, but balanced it nicely with an introspective boy who is actually lacking confidence but still in awe of his new relationship.

 

Although this story was, of course, to focus on Sirius, Marlene was also well done. You kept the angst up with sporadic clues. The conversations between Marlene and Sirius on the beach, particularly when Marlene admits the truth to him were sweet and poignant, showing how the friendship between the two has grown over the summer. 

Name: down-in-flames (Signed) · Date: 10 Jul 2019 02:35 AM · For: Chapter 1

hi emma - here with your challenge review!

 

i’ve read passionfruit (although it has been a while), so it’s quite fun to see it all go down from sirius’ perspective as well!

 

first off, I love sirius’ characterization in this - he’s cocky and knows his attractiveness, but not in an obnoxious way. his internal monologues are excellent; there's a really good balance between that external confidence and moments of vulnerability. and, of course, all his moments with remus are wonderful. they're so wonderful together - it's clear how much remus trusts him that his only standard for this fake dating situation is to keep the kissing to a minimum.

 

and of course, this is such a fun twist on the traditional fake-dating trope, in that it's not at all the whole 'we fake date and suddenly fall for each other' thing, but instead sirius has a *real* boyfriend that he's going back to after this is all over, and marlene is not at all attracted to sirius either. you've done such a great job taking kayla's incredible story and giving it all these new perspectives and added moments - the two pieces really work well off of each other (which is probably a testament to the fact that you and kayla are practically the same person anyways, and also that you're both really fantastic writers).

 

and then the conversation on the beach is just... it's so excellently done. the moment where everything clicks into place as to why marlene asked him to come and why she's been acting like this all week and is exhausted and stressed out by a family vacation. but also, sirius' moment of vulnerability in his own head, about whether or not marlene's going to accept his own coming out, is just... i'm running out of adjectives, but you just really get at the complexity of coming to terms with one's sexuality in a heteronormative world, and the fact that even though you're 'out' to some people, you're also consistently coming out to people again and again and subjecting yourself to that same vulnerability and judgment all over again, and it's just... yeah. (i told you, i don't have adjectives anymore.)

 

but of course, the real star of the show is this last scene with remus, which is so fluffy and perfect that my heart's just gonna explode. i love that sirius got so worked up about saying 'i love you' at the perfect time, and remus is basically like 'i've been saying it to you for ages' - it's just a wonderful little peek at their relationship dynamics, and sirius saying it back is just the best moment to end on.

 

this was such a great story, and such a great way to spin off kayla's original! thanks for entering my challenge! <3

 

-taylor

Name: Crimson Quill (Signed) · Date: 06 Jun 2019 09:26 AM · For: Chapter 1

 

Hi Emma,

 

I thought passionfruit was such an amazing one-shot that I was so excited to see what you've done with this spin-off and how you've made it your own too. I thought you did such a wonderful job at mixing part of Kayla's work into this as the reader can engage where this action is happening. I thought it was very clever idea to directly incorporate it.

 

I thought you made Sirius come alive in this piece. I love the way that you wrote this because he was so believable. you had this amazing mixture of his confident (loved some of the words about girls making on to him, it's arrogant but it's fun and cheeky too.) but he has this deeply sensitive side to his character which comes out so perfectly in his scenes with Marlene when he tells her she's not broken and speaks about his experiences. It really shows a kindness in his character, he is so so cute with Remus too! The reader only sees quite a small amount of his relationship with Remus but especially their last scene together is wonderful.

 

I thought the scene when Sirius is comparing how he feels with girls opposed to Remus was really well written. I really liked how you explored his emotional attachment to Remus and how Remus makes him feel when he feels nothing. It is so obvious how much he loves him. I thought it was a powerful section to show his bond with. 'eating her out was at the very least a novel experience' < I just found so funny because it's such so blunt haha

 

shout out to how much I enjoyed that interaction when he goes to tell the Marauders about Marlene's invition. I think you had a great job creating such a great dyamic between the friends in such a small scene! shout out to James in this scene.  "Oi, get a room, dickheads,"  haha. 

 

I thought this piece was exceptional at what it set out to do. I hope Kayla is very impressed with this piece because it's so great! This piece adds to yours and Kayla's gay super team vibes!

 

Abbi xx