Name: ravenclaw_Scientist (Signed) · Date: 19 May 2020 08:28 PM · For: Rose, A Game

Hi Lily, 

I was stalking your writers journal and saw 'Albus' so naturally here I am!

I absolutely love how you're writing Albus's internal narrative. He will always have a soft space in my heart so being in his head is always comforting to me. You're doing sure a fantastic job. He seems so numb the the world as his coping mechanism and seeing the world through him like this is lovely.

The third person present tense is a wonderful addition to the mood. It makes the whole thing feel more life-like, because it's happening right now and I think that works so well when you're living in Albus's head. I'm really not a fan of first person (not sure why, maybe it always feels a bit forced to me) but I like that here it's very much Albus POV but we still get to learn about the world without it being biased to only his thoughts. 

I am obsessed with Albus and Jame's relationship and love seeing how you're exploring that:

He often wishes that he could get his eleven year old brother back, the one who was fun to race around with and blow things up with. All James can see now is a quiet kid who shuts his eyes tight and breathes a little harder on a bad day where there’s lots of “wrong.” 

The heartbreaking part about their relationship is alwasy getting these snippets of how it used to be, so thank you so much forn adding this in. I'd love to read more about these two.

I'm really exciting to read more of this, thank you for the Albus content! 

Love,

Maia

 

 

Name: Noelle Zingarella (Signed) · Date: 11 May 2020 02:10 AM · For: Rose, A Game

Hi Lily! I’m here from your forum request :D

 

I really like the way you’re delving into Albus and the way he ticks. Using Rose’s game (do you like so-and-so) as a way to show us that Albus has feelings for Fredrick worked well. I’m worried about Albus now though—it seems that he has pretty strong feelings for Fredrick, and it also seems that Fredrick has everything he needs to break Albus’s heart. After weathering a divorce and living day-to-day with anxiety, we know that Albus is strong. But I hope things will work out for him in the end.

 

Poor Rose! I don’t think that Xander meant to hurt her. But how upsetting to unexpectedly meet your crush’s new girlfriend :P

 

I liked how Albus consoled her, he’s a kind and caring friend.

 

If I were going to give you one tiny piece of constructive criticism, I would say that you could probably tell this whole story as third person limited from Albus’s point of view. You’re developing such a strong voice for him, and much of the story is from his point of view already—I think that the few times that you tell us what Rose or Xander or another character is thinking undercut some of the really fine voice that you’re building for Albus.

 

I really loved the end of this chapter. Albus was obviously uncomfortable going to his dad’s for tea; but even though he’s uncomfortable he still loves his siblings and his dad. I really liked the moment when he realized that James loves him, even though he doesn’t totally understand him.

 

Albus is such a wise, kind person! 

 

Nice work on this—keep writing!

 

Yours,

Noelle

Name: Noelle Zingarella (Signed) · Date: 11 Apr 2020 02:33 AM · For: A Long Summer Vacation

Hi Lily! I’m here for your Forum request :D

 

You did a nice job building the impatient tension between Albus and his father Harry in this opening scene. The way that everything seemed to take so long while Albus was waiting and waiting for Harry to be done with work was to be expected from a kid put in this position. And not only is Albus angry about today’s tedium—he’s angry because his parents have recently divorced! That’s a lot for a young man to have to process, and I’m not surprised that he and Harry are having a hard time communicating with each other. Albus’s refusal to go to Harry’s new home—even when his siblings are there—says a lot about Albus as a character, and about his relationship with his dad. Harry’s melancholy acceptance, but refusal to go back to the “real” home with Ginny tugs at the heart strings. I feel sorry for everyone right now, and I’m wondering what happened between Harry and Ginny that led to this, since it seems that nobody blames Harry for the split, except for Albus.

 

I like how in tune Ginny and Albus are with each other—even when Albus expresses frustration at Ginny’s concern, I get the feeling that he’s glad that she cares.

 

And there’s something to be said about being in the home you grew up at—everything is comfortable and familiar.

 

Albus’s easy banter with Rose is cute and fun; and I’m interested to know more about their larger circle of friends. It’s also fun that they are going to the movies together—very classic Next-Gen behavior. 

 

Your use of the 3rd person present tense was pretty well done—and you’ve raised some strong questions to make the reader wonder how the Potter family got to be here. Nice work on this chapter, and thanks for coming by my thread!

 

Yours,

Noelle

Author's Response:

Hey Noelle! Thanks so much for taking the time to read and review my story. I'm really glad that you enjoy Albus's characterization and that you're intrigued with the Harry/Ginny situation. There will be much more information about both of those things in future chapters (most likely chapter three, four, and five to be specific, but I'm not 100% sure yet). Albus knows that his mother cares and he loves her a lot and feels bad for putting her in pain. He has obsessive compulsive disorder, which accounts for many of his odd behaviours or triggers.

There will be much more with the larger circle, fear not!

Thanks again for the review!

Love,

Lily

Name: blackballet (Signed) · Date: 02 Apr 2020 03:31 PM · For: A Long Summer Vacation

Hi, I am here from the review tag!

I am really enjoying the third-pereson present! It feels very real for your Albus. I can tell there are a few sticky spots in the writing where you have the urge to use past tense, but I think that will fade with time and practice. It's a huge undertaking to change which tense you write in, so bravo! 

As for Albus, I can see that he is a teenager (with a mighty big chip on his shoulder). I think I am craving a bit more depth from Ginny and Harry especially. I think that will also come as each character gets more time dedicated to them. I like the connection between the first scene and Albus' ruminations on Harry never being home, as well as Ginny's unwillingness to blame Harry completely for the divorce. And then Albus has to come in and say I know that, mom, in that completely teenager way. Great job! 

I am interested to see Albus interacting with his siblings...I am sad that the divide is already so strong between them! I'm curious why and how they have such different opinions on the divorce, and how Ginny and Harry are going to deal with this in the future. 

I am also glad that Rose is able to pull Albus back a bit and remind him that he does have friends and plans and a life still. I think it puts the reader back into reality. Like, hey, Albus is going through a really hard time right now, but he has people and a life that will help him through it.

Great first chapter! I hope to be back for more.

blackballet

Author's Response:

Hey there! Thank you so much for your review. In terms of the third-person present I think I will keep it, but I definitely do have to go over the chapter again, as well as my next one. Past tense is definitely my usual for 3rd person stories. I want to make my stories more versatile and I think part of that is giving each one a unique voice, so thank you for the applause! It's much appreciated. 

So, Albus is most certainly meant to be a complex character. He has a chip on his should for sure. There will be more Ginny and Harry in fuure chapters and an explanation on their divorce and things. Albus feels apart from the world and his siblings and parents. The reason he behaves the way he does for the most part is because he has OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder), which I actually suffer from. He also has anxiety and things like that. I just don't want to come out and say it in the story because it's obviously not a big thing/known thing in the wizarding world. There will be some more insight into that later as well. It's just that I didn't want to infoblast everyone in the first chapter.

Thanks again for reading! The second chapter is almost done and should be up soon!