FanficTalk Archive
Unleash Your Fandom
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 10/28/2013
Hi there!
Review swaps give me a chance to read stories which I normally don't have time to read so I'm very glad you agreed to the swap because I was looking for a chance to have a read of the next chapter of this story.
I have to admit, shape has been my favourite character that you have written about so far; your wrote it brilliantly.
Your writing is effortless and I don't mean to sound corny or cheesy but it's very easy to get lost and absorbed inside the feelings of the characters through your writing! Snape's thoughts and feelings were so clear to me when I read it and I liked your inner twist on his thoughts, for example, the fact that his love for Lilly allowed him to believe that even after Dumbledore does kill Harry, she might still love him and that they could somehow be happy together. What a very snape like way of thinking.
Also, the trust element in this chapter was prime and really helped to focus on Snape's fear of loosing Lilly and delivering information as a traitor.
I look forward to reading the rest, well done!!
Author's Response: ^_^ I'm glad you like doing swaps with me. I enjoy swapping with people for the same reason. :D
It's always nerveracking to read that I wrote about someone's favorite character - then it's a huge relief to see that you liked how I managed him!!
it's pretty fantastic that you got absorbed into the story. Snape was really hard to write - I'm very much glad you liked how he twisted and bent in his unusual ways.
I had to imagine that the trust Dumbledore and Snape had grew over time. They were very much frenemies at this point. ^_^
We should swap more - though I'm almost to the end of your story! :(
Thank you so much for a wonderful review!
-Rose
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 10/28/2013
Hey Rose, did you mean to break my heart in this chapter?
The way you set up this chapter with the emphasis on his loneliness and then the mixture of Christmas things which usually relate to family was so sad. It really made me want l cry as you painted Remus as such a tragic figure. It felt as if he almost blames himself for what happened as if he could have changed something and that just broke my heart.
Minor typo here how to grief it should be how to grieve.
The tie in with canon here with Remus' parents was really great and added to his tragic figure even more because he seemed to have tried to disociate himself from his father.
The Christmas flashback was great and really adde to Remus' tragic image. I liked how you began to establish the tension between Sirius and Remus through who looked after Harry the best and Quidditch as it fitted well with canon. This was the dirt they all appeared together with Harry I think (minus the birth as Lily wasn't around) and it was just lovely.
That closing scene ♥ that just made me want to hurl things around due to the unfairness of it all. I loved th way Remus reached acceptance of it and didn't regret it. It was just so him and gah I had so many feels I wanted to explode.
A wonderful piece of yours, Rose, I'm so glad I read it as it was a wonderful insight into the Marauders years!
-Kiana
Author's Response: Hi Kiana! I might have meant to make this sad and lonely. I definitely wanted people to walk away from this overall story (not just this chapter) with a case of the 'oh mans'
The Christmas and loneliness tie-in was quite deliberate (and mean, I'll take mean). When I was chosing who to write about when (and for which part of the Litany against Fear) Remus had the strongest tie to this part because his life always felt quite tragic to me. I am really glad I managed to convey that same sadness I feel for him in this story.
I almost didn't write about his family (or Hope's death) but I felt that I'd wonder why he wasn't visiting with Lyall if I didn't talk about it. (and I had to add to the sad) I imagined that Remus and his father just had a hard time connected after Hope's death. It's so hard to face a parent's death that it seemed natural for them to avoid one another. (or maybe I projected more of my reaction to family after my mom's death into this)
I'm so glad you liked the Christmas flashback! I wanted it to seem happy but laced with some sort of tension (war, personalities, etc.) I thought of Remus and Sirius' behavior with Harry to be more foreshadowing about how they are with him post PoA - but I love your interpretation about it being a seed for their relationship tension.
The last scene made me want to throw things as I was writing it. I felt so sad and depressed about the ending (but yet I kept it like it was).
I am so very glad you read this and enjoyed it! Your reviews throughout this have meant the world to me.
-Rose
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 10/27/2013
Hi Rose! This was, by far, my favourite chapter so far and this review is, yet again, a phone one so sorry!
The whole style and structure of this chapter is really what blew me away with the drifting in and out of cosiousness and the spilt time span was really great. I liked the use of James as a symbol of hope as it represented the Sirius before and how much James meant to him, and then the way Sirius after clung to Harry for that memory of James fitted really well in this.
There were so many moments in this chapter which nearly made me cry but there are two which nearly made the tears flow. Those were when Sirius was berating himself for not telling more people that Peter was the secret keeper and then finding out he wouldn't get a trial. They were just so heartfelt and the emotion so raw it made for brilliant writing.
Ooh another thing I really liked was the evolving thoughts in regards to Peter with him first being worried for him before that quickly changed to anger when he realised what he had done. It had a somewhat eerie air about it to with Sirius visiting the flat and then the laughter with the bodies around him -- very chilling!
A brilliant chapter and I can't wait for the next now!
-Kiana
Author's Response: Your phone reviews come out much better than mine. :D I have a huge phone yet I can't type coherently on it.
I wasn't too sure if the structure would work or if it'd be too hard for readers to follow/stay engaged with. I'm really glad it was a good fir and that you liked it. :D Writing James as a person/idea for Sirius to cling onto was sad for me. I imagined that Sirius had something he could hold onto.
The part where Sirius assumes he'll get a trial was my attempt to rationalize why he didn't raise a stink during his arrest. It was heartbreaking for me to write about that.
I'm really glad you liked the way Sirius evolved his opinion about Peter in this chapter. I couldn't see him jumping to Peter betraying their friends.
Thank you so much for reviewing! I'm very flattered that you like this so much. :D I just finished the last chapter too!
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 10/26/2013
Hi, there!
I really, really enjoyed this chapter. It wasn't my favourite out of all of them, I think Voldy's chapter will forever be that. However, I still loved this one.
I really admire your work with the Marauders once again. James' was so perfect and witty - it was almost possible to look over the James we know was a bully. It was so much fun to read the imaginative conversation with him, because, let's face it - it was hilarious.
I loved how throughout this piece, you went to angry Sirius to fun Sirius and then back to angry Sirius. It was really interesting through out and again, I admire your work with characters.
There was so much pain but then parts were making me laugh, it was really moving. There's just so many emotions right now and I wonder how you do it!
An amazing chapter, and I highly anticipate Remus'. I have a good feeling about it ;)
Author's Response: Hi Nadia!
I guess not every chapter can be a favorite. :) I am glad you liked this one!!!
I kind of want to explore James as a bully in a marauder era story sometime (one where they're at school - I think he's past that phase by now). I am glad James' conversations with Sirius inserted some humor into this darker part of the story.
I'm really flattered at your words. It took a lot of... something to make the story jump between so many emotions.
I really hope you like Remus' piece!
Thank you so much for a fantastic review. You always give me such good feels after reading your reviews.
-Rose
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 10/26/2013
Hi Rose!
I thought you handled the complications in regards to Snape really well. The first section was really interesting with him having to deal with both the Order and the Death Eaters and the way he had established techniques to handle both was great.
Finding out the news about the Longbottoms and Potters was really horrible because I just knew what was going to happen to them and Snape knew to but to be ignored like that made me want to cry out at Dumbledore a say he isn't lying. Basically I would do what Snape did when he got home.
Then the final scene. ♥ it was so heartbreaking and really made me want to cry. All of the emotion in that scene was just right and perfect. I really liked how it merged in with canon too and I almost wish there had been that scene with Sirius as it would have been great for drama.
Great chapter Rose!
-Kiana
Author's Response: Hi Kiana!!
I've really loved reading your reviews for this! Snape was a bit harder to do than Voldemort. Voldemort is just evil whereas Snape is (as you said) complicated. I imagine that he always had a mask on with his forced indifference to news that truly upset him.
I like to think that Dumbledore did something but he just didn't tell Snape what he was doing. I kind of hint at that in Sirius' chapter (but don't make a huge deal at connecting it back). I think Dumbledore's habit of playing cards a little too close to his chest was a mistake in many cases (this being one of them).
This was fun to weave in canon with this interpretation and new layer of emotion. I'm sorry (and really glad) I made you want to cry. I was trying not to be overly emo with it but it had to be heart wrenching.
I'm so glad you liked this chapter!!
-Rose
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 10/26/2013
You're right, this definitely is an existential chapter and I'm glad that you're enjoying my reviews!
But anyway, the extistenial part of the chapter wasn't bad, I enjoy chapters like this one if they're well written and interesting. And Sirius has always had a special place in my heart so of course I enjoyed this.
My favourite parts definitely had to be the ones where Sirius was having a conversation with James, talking to him as if he were really alive. It was one of the signs that Sirius Black maybe wasn't exactly in his right mind and that he was very very slowly going insane.
I don't know why but even though Sirius was one of he brightest boys in his age and could analyze a situation no problem, I always felt like out of all of the marauder's, he would probably be the one to go insane or maybe not be exactly right in the head.
Those parts also made me incredibly sad because he had just lost his best friend and Sirius would never get to see James again until he died and all he had left was these conversations that his mind was making up.
And now I'm making myself sad.
The only things that stood out to me that I think would benefit from improvement is the pace of the chapter and the fear aspect of it. I mention pace because the pace of the chapter was really fast. You were moving from scene to scene really quickly and I barely had time to settle into one setting before being thrown into another one.
It was a bit disorientating to read and made the flow of the chapter choppy and a bit disjointed. Maybe if you worked on the transition between the scenes it would smooth things out. And adding description can slow down the chapter as well or at least give the illusion of it going slowly.
I mention the fear part because there was no fear. Maybe I'm just not reading close enough but I found it difficult to identify exactly what Sirius's fear was. I was coming up with so many ideas of what Sirius could be afraid of while I was reading and then I got to the end and I still didn't really have any really clear idea.
If Sirius's fear was plainly obvious however, I'm an absolute idiot and you can ignore me. My only suggestion about this is that maybe you make what Sirius is afraid more clear.
All in all, not a bad chapter though.
-Grace
Author's Response: Hi Grace!!
I guess the fear part of this was that he wasn't effected by fear (which is why he wasn't impacted by the dementors). There were items that he could have feared throughout but as he was going slightly insane, the fear didn't penetrate his mind. Ultimately I was trying to match the chapter to the quote rather than finding a fear to write about. I should probably clarify that in the summary for the story. I might write a bit with him trying to figure out why he isn't paralyzed with fear.
James and Sirius' conversation made me sad when I was writing it. I meant it to be a sign that Sirius was not right in his mind. Sirius lost everything he cared about and that would make anyone lose it a bit.
I'll try to make the transitions a bit smoother. I meant for it to be a little choppy but not annoyingly so. Part of the going insane part made me want to make the narrative a bit like spiraling around a story.
Thank you so much for a wonderful review!!
-Rose
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 10/25/2013
Slowly but surely I will make my way through this! This has been written on my phone so apologies for any typos.
I think this was my favourite insight so far because you really got into Voldemort's mind and as a result it was really spooky. I liked the sense of pride at the beginning as he thought about his death eaters achievement in the murders. It was just nice to see he cared a little about them but you handled it in such a way it was great. Plus the way you talked about the murders was very chilling too.
The flashback was possibly my favourite section due to the suspense of who it was and then the shock of it being people. I liked how you developed the background to it with people turning traitor becoming an almost natural thing. I thought it was great when Peter finally spoke out and the shock of all them was tantalising.
Then the final section was really brilliantly. I liked how you only touched briefly upon it as it was vey in character. Then the way Voldemort managed to thwart his fear at the end was again very good. That scene gave me the chills in fact!
Great chapter Rose!
-kiana
Author's Response: Kiana!! Thank you so much for reading through more of this!! :D
Writing Voldemort was creepy and dark. I am glad this is your favorite so far!! I am a bit disturbed how fast I got into Voldy's head.
It was kind of fun to write about Peter's move to Voldemort. I like to think it was a hard decision for Peter to turn or that it was a ton of tiny events that led him to switching sides.
I almost ended with Voldemort just about to face his fear but it felt right to take him through the moment where he expected his fear to go away. I'm really glad it was the right amount of detail - I didn't want to repeat the narrative from the books or movies but wanted to provide a new perspective of it.
Thank you so much for a wonderful review. I am really glad you're enjoying this story!!
-Rose
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 10/25/2013
Hiya! Review tag :D
So, first of all, I love that this totally wasn't expecting when I came into this chapter. I'm sure a story about Lily being afraid while fighting death eaters or something would have been great, but this is even more interesting and it really makes the story stand out for me. You've really shown that even in a war, that kind of danger isn't the only thing to fear; emotional dangers can be just as terrifying.
I loved the contrast of the war they're living in and the death of other order members, with the supposedly joyous occasion of a wedding. It's interesting because both events have tinged the other; the wedding is made tense and dangerous because of the war, but at the same time, the war is kind of softened by the wedding. It really shows that life will always go on - the small things, the happy things, just life in general, it doesn't stop because there's a war on.
Lily's fear was great. It's a really common fear - that the person you love might stop loving you, that you'll both fall out of love, whatever - but you wrote it so beautifully that it was very poignant. I loved some of your description here, it really brought the events to life. Some of my favourite lines were:
Once the darkness was gone from her mind's eye, she began to focus on her wedding, her marriage, and her soon-to-be husband. That is where Lily knew she'd find solace.
Had their love grown organically or because of extraneous stress that pushed them together?
We don't know what will happen from day to day but I do know I will love you until my last day.
^ Those were all really poignant lines for me, and your description and the way you phrased all of them was beautiful!
Overall, I thought this was an amazing piece. Well done!
~Maia
Author's Response: Hi Maia!! Thanks for coming back with another review tag!!
I got a good amount of squee reading that this wasn't the fear you were expecting.I didn't want this to be an obvious fear. I like the idea of people still having lives with normal fears in times of a war and much more at risk. War is a temporal state but humanity perseveres throughout.
I'm really glad that my descriptions and unfolding of her fear worked well in this part. ^_^ I was kind of stealing from my own concerns regarding marriage
Thank you for another wonderful review. I really like how you point out what you liked and even specific lines that stood out.
-Rose
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 10/24/2013
I had been meaning to review this chapter and it was so much more interesting to read because it's rare to come across a chapter/ story that concentrates alone of the fear aspect of Voldemort's emotions (or lack of) even.
I think you displayed his way of thinking brilliantly. Voldemort's a twisted guy and some of the things you wrote were deffinitly twisted enough to belong to him, I don't mean that in a bad way at all, what I mean to say is characterisation could not have been more perfect and fitting.
You wrote a great paradox between Voldemort's strong and evil side and the side of him capable of experiencing fear.
I can't wait to read more! :)
Author's Response: Twisted is a great compliment for this chapter. :D I guess there aren't many stories or chapters that focus on voldy. I didn't really think about that before I wrote this. I never really look at other fics to see if there's something similar.
I'm really glad that I managed to capture Voldemort in a believable way. He's such a dichotomy of evil and smart. I was a bit creeped out playing in his head for a while.
Hope you like the rest of it!
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 10/23/2013
Please forgive me for taking aeons to get back here :P I meant to, but it slipped my mind, thank Merlin for you status update!
I really liked how you showed it from Sirius’s perspective as it sort of showed how those two were now splitting up as James’s fear was now unrelatable to what Sirius could feel. His initial panic of when James said that though was brilliant and had me chuckling away when he was referencing the other sections when he comforted people.
The way you united James and Sirius was really nice as it showed how they were still incredibly close despite the massive changes. Then the way Peter and Remus appeared was really great as it was another sign of unity and possibly one of the final moments the Marauders all appeared together. Gah, so many feels were triggered there though most of them focused on bashing Peter’s head in :P
The way you weaved in other factors to it such as the war and James being so young was really great. It made the fear even more real in a sense as it showed how it can suddenly creep up on you with all of these other factors and that was just written really well. The little bit of humour at the end from Sirius was a nice way to show that this fear can be conquered and it only lasted for a moment :P
Gah, the last scene was so cute. His happiness was just so lovely to see, my only wish was that we got more of it because I wanted to see baby Harry but that was just me wanting to gush over babies :P
Great chapter, and I hope to get through some more tonight!
-Kiana
Author's Response: Hi Kiana!!
I always get really excited when I see a review from you. :D It's like getting a piece of chocolate.
I thought it'd be fun to contrast James and Sirius at this point in their lives. Sirius was still in the young, single dude mode where James had a wife and kid on the way. I've hit that point with my friends before (I've been the single dudette to my friends with kids and other grown up things). I *had* to make a reference to Sirius-the-girl-chaser. It's not a trope I believe 100% but it's fun to dabble in.
I tried so hard to make Peter likable (mostly). I'll pretend that he was annoying because you knew he was going to be a traitor. :D
I'm really glad that the fear and real life were weaved together well and that they built up nicely. The humor felt like the right thing to add with so much heavy stuff going on.
^_^ I might add more baby Harry. I am glad the last scene was cute though!
Thank you so much for reviewing!!
-Rose
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 10/23/2013
This was positively heart wrenching but I loved every moment of it.
The phrase ""he was stuck in a forsaken emotional wasteland"" struck me the most. The combination of words that you have delicately pieced together created a perfect tone for the chapter. It is a masterful representation of Sirius's emotions and I truly adore it!
I have sat here for a while now attempting to figure out how to formulate proper sentences that express my feelings about this chapter, but it seems that I am at a loss for words. It gives me chills, really.
Sirius' downward trending mental stability spiraling from his extreme emotional duress is haunting and masterful in application. I am awestruck. The way you used James to ""communicate"" with Sirius is pure genius, by the way.
I apologize for really not being able to leave a proper review but...
Oh my god this was freaking fantastic!
Yes, that about sums it up.
Now I am going to sit here and reread this and stew over it for a while.
-Rumpel
Author's Response: Rumpel!!!
Your review moved me and was just really awesome. I don't know how to respond to ""masterful representation"" or ""freaking fantastic"" except to say THANK YOU! (I just shout out my emotions and excitement.)
I was so unsure about writing Sirius' downward spiral. It felt to inductive and non-linear (which was hard for me because I line linear). ^_^ Needless to say I'm quite excited that you like how that turned out. Writing in James for communication was sad to write. I mean, having a conversation in one's head with a dead person is just depressing.
Thank you so much for reviewing this and raving about it!! You've put quite a grin on my face!!
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 10/20/2013
Fear is the mind killer... (I actually had a random person say that to me at a climbing gym once when I was hesitating on a wall.) :P Anyway, I think that was a great way to start off this segment, and completely fits with the story you tell. It's all about the way James approaches the situation, because its going to happen anyway - and fear will do nothing but hinder him.
But, like the first one, James' fear is very real and applicable to a non-magic life. I absolutely love the way you wrote the Marauders (I know I've said this to you before, too! You write them wonderfully!) Sirius out of his depth a little and trying to lighten the mood with humour, Remus being the actual voice of reason and advice, and Peter trying to avoid putting in an opinion about something he doesn't understand. Perfect. And it was really sweet, how they were all there for him (at least for a little while...) The end was really cute! And the part about James and Lily making sure their son would never do something like blow up his aunt, made me laugh, considering Aunt Marge's fate :p
About your A/N: I definitely think this was a good point in time to write about James' fear. I imagine he was afraid of the war too (obviously), but in an entirely different way. In a way, the mundane-ness of his actual fear made it that much more poignant. I also think it was really good because James is so young, making the fear of fatherhood even more intense (I imagine so anyway, although I'm neither a wizard nor a father so I have no idea lol.)
Welll, now that I've sufficiently gushed about this chapter, I suppose I should give you some CC, but I don't have much! There was a sentence missing a full stop: It might give the poor kid nightmares""
But content wise, I like it how it is! :) Wonderful work on this, I always enjoy reading your stories.
Author's Response: Ha, I would have not been able to climb after that (for laughing and having a omg, you're a nerd moment). With each section, I wanted to tie the story to the quote. I didn't think I quite managed it here so I'm really happy that you saw how it connected in with James' fear and the overall story.
I thought about giving James a war or death related fear but it seemed too shallow to justify as his greatest moment of fear. War and death were commonplace in his life for years - a common theme could not be his moment of fear.
I get a bit of squee when you say I'm good at writing the Marauders. I didn't consider them part of my repertoire before writing this (and Impressive Vroom). I had to add in a bit of irony about stuff Harry actually did :D It made me giggle a little so it ended up in the story. (really that's how I decide on a lot of what I write)
I'm really glad you thought I picked a good fear and that it was quite meaningful. I'm not a parent or wizard but I can easily imagine parenthood being the scarier of the two.
Thank you so much for pointing out that full stop I need to add. I shouldn't push to post these when it's past my bedtime!
You've kind of made my night by saying you always enjoy reading my stories. ^_^ :D :) (trying to find the best emoticon for this). Thank you so much for saying that. Requesting reviews always feels a little blah but hearing something awesome like that makes it worth it!!
Thank you so much for such an awesome review!
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 10/20/2013
Ahhh I really enjoyed this. I think you have really got into voldy's head - I believe that's what he is thinking and I love the plotting and obsessing he does.
I think you displayed pettigrew well too.
A few grammatical errors there , probably just typos. The newspapers were encouraging -and I think you left out the word them -to greater atrocities.
And when you wrote it had been with a sense of victory that the first of the turn coats sought him out, you have implied that the turncoat felt the victory. In that sentence you need to specify voldy felt the sensed the victory.
Other than that it was really good
Probably my favourite so far cause the idea of voldy fleeing with the idea of admitting to gear is awesome! Well done!
Author's Response: hi!! I'm so glad you're back to read about Voldy. It kind of scares me that I was able to get into his head. Just because it's so dark and twisted. I had a bit of a challenge with Pettigrew. I hate making him just a traitor. I've always liked throwing a bit of depth his way.
Thank you so much for pointing out my typos. I'll be sure to fix that up when I edit!!
I'm so glad you liked this chapter! Your reviews are always really helpful!
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 10/19/2013
I've got mixed feelings about this. I feel sorry for Snape but at the same time, there's that usual feeling of hatred in me that sparks up.
His fear for Lily is understandable considering that he was infatuated with her and wanted her to live. It's what anyone would wish for someone that they loved or deeply cared about.
At the same time though, as much as I can understand Snape's fear, it also disgusts me that he cared so much yet so little for Lily. He cared enough that he was frightened for her and whether she was alive or not, but he didn't care enough about to her to think about her husband and child, the two things that would undoubtedly break Lily like nothing else.
Everything is complicated when it comes to Severus Snape. The only question that I have though is about the news with Remus and him being cast out by his friends. What exactly was Snape talking about there and why was it true?
Author's Response: I was hoping to make people both pity and hate Snape in this chapter. :D Your reactions are awesome (and make me really happy)! Snape is a complicated guy and writing him was a real challenge.
Ultimately, Snape's love was a bit selfish. I mean, it turned into a rather self-less act when it came to watching over Harry but Snape had selfishly loved her up until that point.
I guessed that, being a spy for Voldemort, he might have heard that Remus wasn't trusted by his friends. Remus mentioned being mistrusted in PoA. for convenience more than anything, I thought it'd be something Snape might learn.
Thank you so much for reviewing this story! I'm glad you liked it so far.
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 10/19/2013
It's not often that you get to see things from Voldemort's perspective. Harry and Dumbledore really were one of Voldemort's only weaknesses and fears.
Dumbledore because he knew the secret to Voldemort's success and Harry because he would defeat him. I thought it was really interesting how you went into Voldemort's mind and showed how he probably saw everything.
I think your portrayal was pretty accurate. I could see all of this happening in Voldemort's head and some of his thoughts were truly sick. Taking pleasure in the gruesome death of others.
I'll get to the last chapter as soon as I finish with dinner.
Author's Response: Writing Voldemort felt icky. Kind of like walking into a public bathroom without shoes on (it happens sometimes). I'm glad it seemed twisted enough to be his voice and not so gross it was impossible to read.
I'm really glad this chapter fit in with how you'd see his thoughts churning for his fear.
Thank you so much for another awesome review!!!
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 10/19/2013
Oh my God this is my favourite one so far and probably is going to be my only favourite one but I just really love James so that's irrelevant,
I'm pretty sure that I've come across very few stories that focus on the fact that James could be terrified of being a dad.
I love how this was focused on that, something that's not about the war exactly but is a much more normal fear that people have. And I love that James is afraid of whether he's going to be a good father or not, it's such an ordinary thing to worry about considering his extraordinary situation and life.
I think you did really well with his fear and explaining to your reader's why he was afraid of being a father. It made his fear more realistic and a little relatable. Being a parent is a big thing, you've got the life of a small child on your hands and it's your job to teach them right from wrong and to be a good person.
I'm just going to comment on some of the things that Remus, Sirius, James and Peter were talking about Harry maybe getting up to. That part put a smile on my face because I kept thinking oh if they only knew exactly how much trouble Harry got into.
After all, it was mentioned that his file was almost as big as Fred and George's. The one about riding a hippogriff was especially great though.
And the ending was just so wonderful. That entire last sentence just made my night.
Okay, I'll stop gushing now.
~Grace
Author's Response: I'm so excited to get feedback on this from James fans. (well, from everyone but James fans have a vested interest.)
It's exciting that this idea hasn't come up a lot in your reading. I never look to see if there are ideas close to mine before posting a story because I would probably not post once I knew someone else beat me to an idea. so, I'm glad you have the background knowledge to make me feel I have a mostly original idea. :D
I'm really glad you liked the very non-magical fear James faced here. I thought about the fear of Voldemort of the danger of the war but those seemed to shallow and easy to capture without making a real emotional effort.
I did write their bit talking about Harry getting into trouble with a touch of irony knowing that he would do all of that and more. :D I'm pretty sure they'd be proud rather than disappointed.
:D I'm glad the last line made your night!!!
Thank you so much for a wonderful review!!
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 10/19/2013
Hey there! I'm here with your review.
Lily's fears are totally believable. Especially the one where she was doubting whether the love between her and James would always be there. She didn't know whether she really loved him or whether she loved him because the idea that he might be gone the next day was very real or because she actually loved him.
And of course her fear of the war. Who wasn't afraid at the time for their lives and their loved ones. For all Lily knew, she wouldn't be alive the next day and that could've very well happened when Voldemort tried to recruit her and James.
And her fear that her relationship with Petunia was beyond repair (that ship sailed a long time ago) was also understandable. Petunia wouldn't even attend her wedding. What if Lily died, would Petunia even be at the funeral?
I like the advice that Lily's mum gave her though because it's in fact very true once you think about it.
But all in all, I think that you've got the fears that Lily might've had down pretty well.
~Grace
Author's Response: Hi Grace!
I want to apologize for taking so long to respond. I was on vacation and didn't have my laptop with me (and responding on my phablet isn't a picnic).
I'm really glad her fear seemed reasonable (for both Lily and her life at the time). I was worried that Lily doubting her marriage and her love would seem like an affront to Jily fans. It seems that people are okay with her doubt though. ^_^
I did struggle a bit with how to talk about Petunia and the war. I wanted those two things to be present but not the focus. It sounds like I managed that based on your review. :D
Thank you so much for this review! You've been really helpful and encouraging!
-Rose
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 10/17/2013
Hello!
I'm here with your requested review.
Now, may I have permission to go reader-mode? *Permission granted* Okay.
Wah! I'm tearing up!!! When the marauders were talking about teaching James's son (soon to be named Harry) all those things, tears appeared. This hurts in such a beautiful way and I'm flailing on the ground. Flail, flail, flail. Twitch.
Okay, back to reviewer mode.
I really like the way you're going with this story. All the little one-shots (well, the two that I've read) seem to be leading up to something, so I extremely excited for what's next.
The characters were extremely believable, and was that a little Peter-strangeness I saw? I'm glad you're using him and as their friend too, because he *was* their friend (well, pretended to be), up until the moment they found out (or died in James's case - that still hurts). Sirius was just the right amount of funny for the situation and Remus seemed as level-headed as he is in the books. I really liked to see James this way, vulnerable and scared about something so minuscule as a child.
The dialogue and overall mode of the scene was very constant and clear, which was very nice and easy to read through.
Okay, some CCs.
I would suggest rereading this yourself because I saw one or two grammar mistakes, although spelling is top-notch!
Maybe add a little more description (although this is just to enhance the story, and if you don't want to, it's not necessary).
Overall, astounding work. I really loved this (if you didn't gather from my flailing. You caught James at a perfect moment where he's not scared because of the war but because he's becoming a parent, which would have happened if the war was going on or not, so Kudos for grabbing that idea and soaring with it.
Yes, soaring. I don't know which chapter I liked better, but this story is beautifully captivatingly sad, and I really like it.
Please feel free to re-request. :)
MT
Author's Response: You *always* have permission to go into reader-mode. I love reader-mode. :D
Evil me likes making people cry when they read. It got to me when I was writing that part. I gave myself a fit of the sad feels. *poke* are you still flailing?
You're the first person to notice that the stories are leading somewhere. *ahem* it is. Well, there's a thread (besides fear) that flows through them.
I struggled so much with Peter. I wanted to make him clearly a friend at this point. We all know he turned and that he was rotten inside. I was worried that Sirius was *too* funny/awkward with the conversation. It's great that his level of humor worked out well.
I'll re-read and look for my grammar issues. I tend to find my spelling/typing mistakes (the red squiggly lines help). ^_^ I'll look for places where I can add more description. I notice that I tend to under-describe places and people.
I'm glad that you really liked this part of the story. Now I have a mental image of myself soaring while I write. (Which i actually did last night as I typed out my next chapter on the plane...) Hearing that you like this means so much to me. :D
Thank yo so very much for this wonderful review! I'm sorry it too me so long to respond.
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 10/17/2013
Hey, here with your requested review from the forums!
I choose Voldemort this time because I think he must have been the hardest to write, more so than Snape.
You, however, have executed it perfectly! I wonder if you will ever write anyone badly?
Typical Voldemort though, I like how he values people who stand up against him and offers them the chance to switch, and how he despises Pettigrew for being a traitor even though he is helping him.
Wait did I just admit that I liked Voldemort? Woops!
You really portrayed his warped view of the world and what is acceptable to him, so well done I think you have done a really good job on Voldemort. :)
Cannons
Author's Response: Hi Cannons!! Thank you so much for this review - you give awesome feedback.
I'm glad you picked this part - I was curious to get your insights on how I wrote about Voldemort.
I felt more pressure writing Snape (which is weird). I am really glad you liked how I wrote about Voldemort. I'm really flattered you think I'm *that* good at characterization. ^_^ I will inevitably write someone bad. :) Everyone does.
I think he despised Peter for being weak (and being a traitor) but his weakness was most likely his worst trait to Voldemort. (It's okay, I kind of like Voldemort in a hate him way.)
I am really happy that you liked this part of the story! Thank you again for a great review!
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 10/17/2013
Hi there! I'm sorry about the whole review mix up but I had been meaning to review this story for ages anyway since I was so interested since I read Lilly's chapter.
I think that this was a brilliant take on the fear James would have felt being on the cusp of fatherhood. All that responsibility when both him and Lilly are already in danger would have been enough to drive a common man mad.
I adored the way you wrote the dialogue between the James, Sirius, Remus and Peter. Everything flowed so well and you could really sense a life long friendship in there. Absolutely perfect :)
Parts of this were almost haunting, for example: "". he’ll come to me when he’s hurt and scared.” That bit really got me. Often when I read James/Lilly fics, knowing their ultimate fate adds so much heartbreak to the story so it pulled on the heartstrings slightly.
Now excuse me whilst I go read more of this!
Bella x
Author's Response: Hi!! So, I replied to this at work but I guess my response didn't post. I hope I didn't reply to your review on someone else's review (because that would be a tad awkward.)
It's really awesome that you liked how I wrote James. I'm extremely happy you like the fear I picked. It was a fun topic to explore.
Yay - it's great that the Marauders seemed authentic to you. I'm not that experienced writing them. Every time they feel different to me.
Yes! I am really happy that I hit haunting. That was part of my aim.
I am so glad you liked this! I hope you like the other parts if you got a chance to read them!
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 10/16/2013
Hey hey hey!
It's maraudertimes here with your requested review!
Okay so first, this story was really nice. The darkness in Lily's life was just enough to make this scene sad, but it was so beautiful and gorgeous and I love it.
The characters seem very believable. I really liked your version of Lily. Her mother seems like a nice woman and her father is quite funny. Because not many characters weren't in this chapter, I couldn't really check that, but Lily seems amazingly well written.
Now, as per your concerns, it does not feel too rushed in the least. The only thing that seems rushed is the wedding because it's the war and they want to get it over with ASAP, but that's a good thing, because that's probably exactly how it happened.
Now a few CCs. :) I promise not to be too harsh.
I would have liked to see how James eventually got Lily to give him a chance. Just a small recap of it from Lily's POV would have been nice to see. To go from her hating him from what J.K. Rowling tells us to her being in love with him in your story (and what J.K. Rowling tells us eventually happens), it seems a little strange not to have a transition.
Now bridesmaids. I'm just wondering why Lily doesn't have any bridesmaids. I know there's a war, but I can't grasp the concept that James has Remus, Peter and Sirius and Lily has no one. Bridesmaids should have been buzzing around her, checking her hair and makeup, or in the washroom if you wanted Lily to be alone at one point. You've set Lily up as a really nice person and it's strange that she wouldn't have any close girlfriends.
But, other than those two things, I really liked this and I'd really like to read more. Please feel free to re-request! :D
MT:)
Author's Response: Hi MT!
Your review made me all sorts of excited!! It's absolutely wonderful to hear that the characters were believable and the way I covered her fear worked out well.
I got a good chuckle about their wedding being rushed. If they were real people I would have gave them the same advice (maybe it's more their age that doesn't sit well with me). ^_^
I did take a lot for granted when I wrote this. The story does assume that they went through that relationship change stuff well before their marriage. The closest I got to discussing it was Mrs. Evans' allusion to James putting frog guts in Lily's juice. I do like the idea of her thinking through how much they've changed in place of a full blown walk down memory lane.
Would you judge me if I just couldn't pick out who they would be? It was a lazy move to not mention bridesmaids. I figured she'd have them but I didn't want to have them in her scene or bother trying to invent people who would have been there for her. I am confident she had some but they're going to stay a mystery :D I can see how it comes across as a plot hole though.
Thank you so much for this review! It was really helpful and I appreciated your CC. I'll definitely re-request!
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 10/16/2013
Hiya, here with your requested review!
I swear I'm not being awkward by reviewing this chapter instead of the first one but I saw that this one needed some love more!
Personally I find Snape the most intriguing character, he has so many levels and motives. I'm sure he didn't know what side he wanted to be most of the time.
Working as a spy for Dumbledore must have killed him knowing that he was on the same side as the marauders.
I think you got Snape right, his hate for Sirius is tangible, his indifference towards James' death is just what his reaction would be. Then we've got the heart breaking 'stairs scene' before finally seeing Lily dead.
I hate how everyone thinks its Sirius though for all those years after :(
awh, the end was sad :'(
I love how he admits that if he and Sirius had a duel they'd both die.
Author's Response: The good thing about this story is that the chapters are rather independent so you can read them in any order (I mean, they happen chronologically but don't have the same plot thread). I'm especially glad you RR'd this as you're a Snape fan. I don't think Snape saw himself on the same side as the marauders (just kind of in on a common cause).
I'm so glad his hate was realistic and that it worked well. I meant for the stairs to be hard to read. It is sad that Sirius took the blame for years. :( I'm glad that Snape seeing that he and Sirius would kill each was good. :D I worried it would seem iffy for Snape to think that.
Thank you so much for this review!! It was really wonderful!
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 10/16/2013
Hi, there!
To answer the question in your author's note, yes, this was an awesome moment to explore with James.
I can relate to what James is going through to an almost scary extent. I've been there, myself. The anxiety you feel about the unknown is almost always worse than the reality of the thing you're worrying about, and fatherhood is no different. The fear that James feels is perfectly natural and even healthy in a way. It prepares you for some of the difficult times ahead, like the late nights with a sick infant and the unexpected trips to the doctor. The only thing I found myself wishing as I read this was that you'd spent more time dwelling inside James's head. In the first chapter, you did a really wonderful job of exploring Lily's thoughts at length. If you could have gone into the same depth with James, it would have made the chapter that much better.
I thought you did a great job writing James's friends as they tried to help him through it. Poor Sirius was mostly out of his depth, so he goes for a mix of ""you and Lily are awesome"" and trying to lighten the mood with humor. Neither one is really going to solve James's problem, but at least it helps him to cope. Remus was sage-like in his deep and thoughtful approach. Perhaps a little too deep, but combined with the levity of Sirius's tactic, it strikes a good balance. Peter sort of bumbles his way through. I suppose it didn't hurt in the sense that it makes James realize that there are people in the world who are far more hopeless than he is. Taken together, the three friends help James get into a better frame of mind about the monumental upcoming event. He's still not comfortable, per se, but he's more realistic in his expectations and he knows that he's going to have the support to make it through.
I found one small typo:
Finally Sirius’ humor hit the James the right way and they both grinned. -- strike ""the"" between hit and James.
I'm really enjoying these, and I think the next chapter is going to be a really interesting one. Nice job!
Author's Response: Hi!!
I'm really glad to have gotten feedback on this chapter from a father (I just read your response to my review on Waiting Room). A lot of this was a bit outside of my range of experience. I thought about diving into James' thoughts a bit more but he seemed like less of an introspective person to me (I was also reacting to feedback that Lily's chapter spent too much time in her head.
I'm starting to like writing the Marauders more than I did previously. I've written a mature/sage Sirius but not at this time in his life. I was worried about giving Remus all the helpful lines. Part of me likes the irony in having Remus tell James this advice when he flipped out about Tonks being pregnant (though his worry was centered more around his lycanthropy). I did have a hard time with how I should insert Peter. I wanted him to try to be helpful but I just didn't see him having the emotional depth to really help out (I also wanted to avoid the cliche of annoying/traitor Peter).
Thanks for pointing out that typo. It's less funny than ""the Voldemort"" but it still made me laugh a bit. I'll get to fixing that.
I'm really glad that you like this series so far. The next chapter was quite a bit different to write. I hope you enjoy it!!!
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 10/15/2013
Hi, there! You've given me so many lovely reviews from your thread and I saw your blog post about this story and decided to take a look. I think the idea is brilliant. While plot-driven stories are fun, I also really love stories that explore interesting aspects of the characters and their lives. Plucking a small moment of fear out of each character's story is a great way to study what really makes them tick.
My hat is off to you for the moment you picked for Lily. I think of her as such an intelligent, perceptive and pragmatic individual. Only the most hopeless of romantics could face their wedding day without feeling some of the type of doubt that plagues Lily in this story, and she is anything but a hopeless romantic. She's a thinker, an analyzer... some would say an over-thinker and an over-analyzer. She's also a planner. So for her to be worrying about whether her love for James would stand the test of 5 or 10 or 30 years felt like a perfectly natural thought process. And now I feel sad because she and James didn't even get 5 years together to see whether they grew tired of one another. :(
Your writing was beautiful. The descriptive details you chose and the little things that you emphasized to set the mood were very well done. The chapter had a terrific flow to it, and the progression of Lily's thoughts felt natural and unhurried. I only saw one typo in the entire chapter:
Lily’s mind drifted to the Voldemort's attempt to recruit them to his side. -- I don't think you meant to say ""the Voldemort"" here.
It was a small part of the whole, but I really liked the way you wrote Lily's parents. Her mother was very wise and her father gave us just a bit of comic relief to lighten the mood. Very nice additions.
I thought you did an awesome job with this and I'm looking forward to reading more!
Author's Response: Hi!! I am so glad you decided to stop by and review this story! Would it blow your mind to know there is a tiny plot thread throughout all the separate stories? Other than fear that is. I won't spoil it but I'm definitely trying to string together a larger story in addition the smaller moments I talk about.
^_^ I'm really glad you like the moment I picked for Lily. It was hard to decide where to start. The war was a good candidate as was being pregnant but I settle on marriage. Before this I hadn't written much about Lily so I'm really glad that her though processes came out in this short story. It is quite sad that they had grand plans for their entire life but only got a few years of it to enjoy. I kind of mention that a few times throughout just to add a bit of bitterness (because I'm mean like that).
wow, it's really flattering to hear that it was beautiful and flowed really well.
LMAO - I didn't meant to write ""the Voldemort"" but not I'm laughing so hard about it. I've tried to tell my husband about it a few times but just keep laughing. for some reason it's not as funny to him.
The Evans were fun to write and I'm glad I hit the comedic relief role with Mr. Evans. It felt like a bit of a cliche to have the wise mother come in for marital advice but it's probably not too uncommon.
Thank you so much for this really excellent review. You've really managed to make me laugh (okay, I was laughing at myself) and feel all sorts of awesome about this part of the story.
Thank you so much!!
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 10/15/2013
So I really liked the conversation b/w James and the gang , as well as their distinct personalities! They really made the scene pop. Again, the theme of fearis magnificently juxtaposed with love, and the way you manage to balance the stark contrasrt iin mood really shows your skill as a writer. I have trouble finding this balance bw danger and humor you've managed to achieve. This chapter was bit fluffy for my liking but that's a personal preference. The writing is as solid as the last chapter ( w a few minor grammatical errors which I'm sure you'll catch going through it once). It's your characterizations that make the story shine :). Feel free to rerequest!
Author's Response: Hi Shez! Thank you do much for the awesome feedback. I'll go through and check out tthe grammar stuff I have. I didn't mean to make this too fluffy. It's certainly the softest part of the series. The next two parts are quite dark. It means a lot to hear that the characterizations stood out as a strength for you!!! I'll definitely put another request in!!
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