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Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 10/14/2013
Thank you for telling me you've updated this :) because otherwise I would've missed out and that would mean unhappy Nadia :(
I really liked this piece. Thoroughly enjoyed this chapter. You managed once again to take something little and turn it into something magnificent.
For example:
""Only that the werewolf Lupin has been cast out by his friends,"" Snape said relishing the truth behind his words.
Very clever. You took that bit and used it to support your chapter and it was a very subtle nod to canon, very well done.
Your descriptions are vivid as always. It's really tough sometimes to get into the scene and you really suck me into the plot and characters.
Snape's a toughie to write. From his hair to his speech, everything has a ""greasy"" feel about him. But he's also a very intelligent man so, you balance that out very well. His inner thoughts and everything he says are so well done, that not for one moment did I think this was you writing - I was genuinely convinced this was Jo Rowling's work.
Snape loathes Sirius, and you showed that very well. I'm really excited to see how you show Sirius' fear - I hope it's set in Azkaban...
A magnificent chapter to this collection.
Author's Response: Nadia!!! Sorry I didn't get to responding right away. I absolutely loved your review. It's hard not to love a review that says I wrote something magnificent. ^_^
I'm so glad my bits of canon that I sprinkled over this part popped out (in a good way) to you. It's part of my evil plan to... write more FF.
Snape was really hard for me to feel I got right. I've done a lot of greasy Snape but not a lot of well-rounded Snape. It's really giving me the awesome feels to hear that it sounded good. And, um, *blush* like JKR. *still blushing*
*also grinning*
...the next chapter may have Azkaban in it. I'll have it out in a few days and will post when it's up!! I wrote the first line for that chapter already and it's a bit heart wrenching.
Thank you so much for your review!! You've really over-stroked my ego and made me feel quite amazing about this piece that I wasn't too sure about.
-Rose
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 10/14/2013
Gah! I should be answering reviews and writing but how could I do that when I knew this chapter was up?! You are an updating machine!! (Not that I'm complaining ;) honestly, I'm not!!)
This was quite different from the other chapters, but it was equally as good!! You said in the response to my last review that Snape would be more of a challenge to you - well, I think you have well-and-truly conquered that challenge :) You have really characterised Snape well (no surprise there, really! I'm more likely to be surprised if you characterise someone badly ;)) I loved the little gibes he makes about Remus and how the lie about him tasted sweet in his mouth. Although he turned out to be on the right side, he was still a very cruel man!
I loved that Snape had to remind himself to not show emotion when Rabastan stated that the Potters wouldn't be a problem any longer. Snape is always shown to be a bit hard and emotionless but I think when it came to Lily he would have had to really work at not showing his emotions, so that was just brilliant. I also thought it was a good touch that he questioned whether to tell Dumbledore, and that if he did he would risk his own life.
Now, I absolutely loved this line about Sirius 'The arrogant man's one redeemable quality had been his loyalty but even that was rotted out of him.' Poor Sirius - he is one of my absolute favourite characters and I hate that he was blamed for all those years :( but this line is exactly the sort of thing Snape would say about him. And the fact that Snape thought it was Sirius who was to blame for the death of the love of his life would make him hate Sirius even more than he already did!
Oh my Merlin, the ending! So full of emotion, so so sad!! I really felt for Snape here and that's saying something because his indifference at James's dead body made me really cross at him (even though that is exactly how he would have been). I love love loved this line 'felt he had scaled a mountain of terror and loathing. Each step took him closer to either his impossible dream or worst nightmare' it was just brilliant, and it really tied it all in with the quote at the start. When he heard Harry's cry but still no response from Lily... Kind of broke my heart a bit. You brought out the emotion and fear here really well :) great job!
Snape's thoughts about Sirius and exacting revenge at the end were great too. This line just floored me a little :( 'Instead of a fast death to end his pain, Snape would face a lifetime without another chance to see Lily's beautiful face or her mesmerizing eyes to exact his revenge on Black.' So sad :(
This was a fantabulous addition to the short story series :) Now, as I said, Sirius is my favourite character so I am overly excited about the next chapter!! :)
Haronione ♥
Author's Response: I've been sitting on this instead of responding to it because it's so full of awesomeness that I didn't want it to go away. I might be part machine - that's why I have to recharge every night. ^_^
Well, as you get into Epitaph, you might think I've taken some of the characterizations a bit astray... I'll let you get to that when you do... *ahem* I am super thrilled that you like my characterizations in general and how I managed to do Snape. I like to think I'm good at characterization but that's my own ego-driven opinion. Hearing it from other people always means a lot more to me. :D It was easy to imagine Snape enjoying spreading lies about Remus. Snape has always seemed cruel to me - I mean, beyond his treatment of Harry, he's just so unrelenting when it comes to people he doesn't like.
I debated whether his little temper tantrum at Spinner's End would work (or his need to keep the mask on). I wanted him to be close to breaking at the mention of Lily being in danger. It made me a bit happy to write him on the edge after hearing that Voldemort might be on the move. I don't think Snape implicitly trusted Dumbledore at this point. Not from what he showed in his memories to Harry. I am sure that even after he started to trust Dumbledore he realized his role could easily get him killed. In my head he left for each mission with a ""will this be the one that gets me killed"" train of thought.
The Sirius/Snape element in this chapter was really interesting to toy with. I mean, Snape hated Sirius to his dying day. He probably realized that Sirius was a gifted wizard (hence part of the hatred) if not a better looking and more popular version of himself. It does make me sad that Sirius is falsely blamed for Lily and James' deaths for so long. :( And that his name is only cleared after his death (if there was even an official pardoning).
I feel bad for Snape's indifference to James' body. That line struck me out of nowhere while I was writing but then I couldn't leave it alone. I felt miserable including it because it's so morbid and sad. Yes!! I am glad that I managed to tie that mountain line to the quote at the beginning. :D I was accidentally emotional when I wrote the bit about Harry crying. I feel a bit callous but I wasn't thinking ""poor Harry"" when I wrote it. :-/ (I wasn't thinking poor Snape either.)
Writing the end to this part was really difficult so it means a lot that you really liked it. I was stuck on trying to explain why Snape didn't confront Sirius when he heard the bike (because that seemed like the thing he would do). I wanted to have Snape hear the motorcycle just to give an event based ending to the chapter. I was worried that his reasoning for leaving instead of fighting it out right there wouldn't work - I am so relieved that it did!!
Okay, I will have Sirius up in the next few days. I wrote a heartbreaking first line. I feel more comfortable writing Sirius so it shouldn't be too hard for me to get him down on paper.
Thank you so much for your review!! I kept grinning every time I read this!
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 10/14/2013
I have to tell you that I am SO very glad that I popped by the forums tonight because I saw that you had updated.
Your very descriptive writing creates lovely imagery :) and you did an extremely good job on Severus.
I had to go back and write the beginning to this review after my initial response, because, well, I'll show you:
*Prepare yourself for SQUEE*
Oh my god you've made a chapter on Severus' fears...a beautiful, spectacular chapter!! His emotions are absolutely perfect between losing Lily and betraying his alignment! Then the ending...OH MY GOD THE ENDING! It was so, so very sad!
I think that I may have cried just a bit. Okay, so I cried a bunch but with Harry's crying and the absence of Lily's voice to soothe him and poor Severus I couldn't help it! And then when he confirmed that Lily actually was murdered to figure out how he would live with this knowledge!
I am a mess! This was beautifully tragic!
*Ahem, and so you see...much SQUEE was induced...*
I did really enjoy this chapter. It is my favorite so far!
I am also excited to see Sirius' fears next!
This story's entire premise is just absolutely genius! (So, evidently I am not done with the SQUEE, sorry!)
-Rumpel
Author's Response: Aw, Rumpel! Your review is absolutely amazing and so nice. ^_^ I loved reading through your squee.
I'm really quite humbled by your squee. I'm not sure how to respond to all of your elation. so, I might not make sense.
This was the hardest chapter to write so far. It was my first Snape based chapter (he's only made guest appearances in my other stories). It means a lot to me that it came across as beautiful and tragic. And I'm sorry I made you cry (except that I'm kind of proud that I evoked your emotions enough for tears). I feel so callous because I was so removed from Harry when I wrote that part. :-/
Thank you so much!! This really made my evening when your review.
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 10/13/2013
REVIEW TAG!
I really enjoyed this! I've read quite a few stories about James' fear of becoming a parent, and what I liked particularly about yours was that whilst you didn't dwell exclusively on the war, it was still a major part of their story. However, unlinked what I was scared might happen, it didn't overshadow the main point of their story.
I'm not a parent, but I reckon I'd be pretty terrified at the prospect of having the responsibility of raising a human being, so I could relate to James in that sense. I have a feeling that I would have probably behaved like Peter in that scene, but not because I was a traitor; more like I wouldn't know what to say. It was a strange experience, being able to relate to Peter of all people!
It was interesting to see that Remus was the most emotionally mature here, although out of the four of them, he's probably the best equipped with emotional intelligence. I just found it exceptionally ironic, considering what he was like when He first found out when Tonks was pregnant with Teddy!
This was very fun to read - just the kind of fluff I needed to get started on a Monday morning! If memory serves me right, Voldemort is next, correct? I look forward to seeing what you do with him!
Author's Response: Hi!! I'm so glad you picked this to read.
I tried to make his fear a combination of parenthood and the war but with a majority focus on parenthood. I'm really glad the parenting fear was easy to relate to. My husband and I are planning on kids but are still scared by the prospect. So it's been close to my mind too.
I did try to make Peter less evil-y here so I wouldn't be too weirded out if you related to him. I wanted him to seem a bit likable. ^_^
Ha, I was going for a good dose of irony with Remus. I tend to see him as thinking he has a special/extra exception to some rules (falling in love, getting married, having kids, etc.) because he's a werewolf. I really love him but he's a bit of an idiot when it comes to seeing his own worth sometimes *grumble*.
It makes me really happy that you liked this and that it started off your day right. I have Voldemort and Snape posted now. ^_^ They're slightly less fluffy o.O
Thank you for an awesome review!
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 10/13/2013
Here from the review swap! I couldn't resist stopping by to review the next part of this collection - you did a great job with Lily, and I was looking forward to seeing your work with James. It was definitely worth looking forward to!
Your characterization of James and the other Marauders is very good. Your depiction of the scene was nicely realistic, with James experiencing this moment that hits him like a brick wall. He's got Lily, but this next step of their relationship clearly never occurred to him, and I liked how you showed him working through the problem. It's great that he was able to make that kind of confession to Sirius, knowing that, once, it would have lead to ridicule, but now that they're both older and more experienced, James knows that he can rely on Sirius to help him through it. What was perfect about the characterization of both of them is that you include the jokes and silly remarks even while they're discussing these serious topics - they're still the pranksters of Hogwarts, only the war has changed them, aged them. It feels quite natural, how you've shown them at this stage in their life. It makes this story a treat to read.
In terms of critique, consider going over the ending. There is a typo in the last line, but those two paragraphs don't have the same power behind them as does the rest of the story - part of me isn't sure whether that part is necessary. It's a little rushed. Perhaps expanding on the ending a little would make it fit more smoothly with the rest. It's a cute fluffy moment, very important to the relationship between the Marauders.
Great work on this story! It's a wonderful idea for a story collection, and your characterizations are fantastic!
Author's Response: I am so glad you were able to come back for the second part!
It's great to hear that James and the Marauders worked well. While I did see them as more mature I had to include the silly bits (they're still 20 or so after all). It was a lot of fun to blend in references to mischief at school and their still young personalities. I had been concerned about Peter being too likable but I'm glad that wasn't an issue for you! ""Treat to read"" is quite a high compliment - thank you!!
I'll definitely look at the ending a bit. I wanted to have a bit of happy/resolution for him. I have a few ideas I could add to make it tie-in better with the rest of the chapter.
Thank you so much for a well thought out review. Your CC and positive feedback were very helpful!!
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 10/13/2013
SO, umm, can I just say that I'm REALLY struggling to find criticism for this? Seriously, I can't think of ANYTHING that might improve genius that you've written.
I'm SO a fan of these philosophical character studies so I don't know how this story seemed to evade me. I really enjoyed reading this. As the character of Lily, James have never fully been established by canon, I usually don't care what writers do with them--but I think THIS is probably what Lily would be like. You have a great talent for incorporating the otherwise forgotten details (i.e. Lily and Petunia's relationship--how it makes her sad. I thought this was a great touch.) Beautiful evocation of feelings. Great writing style. Fantastic characterizations. I won't pretend to find flaws with this otherwise flawless piece. I particularly liked this part:
""It wasn’t uncertainty of James being the right man, a doubt of his love, or her love for that matter. This was a promise that could not be unmade. She did not see her love wavering in the foreseeable future, but what about the unforeseeable future? Would their love stand the test of time or would it wither in 15 years? Had their love grown organically or because of extraneous stress that pushed them together? Lily had said yes and meant it with all her heart but that did not eradicate her anxiety. ""
This really brings in an interesting element of doubt--one I think is very relatable and human. Maybe it is the (overlooming) war and the possibility of death that heightens their affections. Maybe they are a product of the conditions of their environment? Are James and Lily truly in LOVE or is it FEAR? Which is the greater motivator? Very interesting questions and If you wanted, you could go further with them by taking an alternative stance and just BLOW the mind of your readers (never mind, you would get a lot of angry fangirls).
So I think this story is fantastic and definitely my type :). Feel free to rerequest. Maybe in the future I might have something more substantial for you than gushing.
Author's Response: Hi Shez!!
I am absolutely beside myself at your kind words. This is my first work that is more on the philosophical side than just being a narrative. It's incredibly awesome that I've been able to help define how you see James and Lily (I quite often agree that people can take a great deal of liberty with them as characters).
I put a lot of my own fears around getting married into this story (Lily's fear followed a conversation my husband and I had before we got married). I really thought about playing with the idea of whether their love was artificially hurried by the worries of war but I did fear for my safety if I wrote something like that (haha). I am very glad that her fear seemed extremely human and realistic to you. ^_^
It's so very awesome that you liked this (a lot). I'll definitely re-request to get your opinion on my chapter about James!!
Thank you so much - a bit of gushing always does my heart good. :D
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 10/13/2013
Hello again! Here with your RR.
I'm so glad you requested this because I'd been hoping to get around to reading it and this gave me the opportunity!
I really liked the way you expressed fear in this. At least how I read it, the fear of Voldemort is a constant and something Lily has adjusted to, but her nervous fear as she's about to walk down the aisle is a very different type - she knows she's making the right decision, but is afraid at how much will change. And I liked that, because it's not a fear that's specific to the magical world, but one that muggles like us can understand as well. It seemed a very normal fear for her to have, even in the midst of war. And I liked the balance between her thoughts about war and her hope for the future. Even though she is afraid, there's definitely a feeling of hope that runs through this along with the fear.
I love your characterisation of both Lily and James in here. The mention of Petunia was great as well - sad, but realistic. Lily's conversation with her mum was very sweet - although I agree with one of your previous reviews in that a little description about Mrs Evans would be a nice addition!
I really enjoyed reading this. Great take on the idea of fear, and as I've said before, I love the way you've incorporated the Litany Against Fear into fanfic, it's cool.
Author's Response: Hi!!
I thought I'd toss this in your review thread as you seemed interested in the idea previously. ^_^
It's really great to hear that you liked how I put fear into this story. I like your interpretation of the various fears Lily had and that she focused on marriage. I am a bit abashed to say it but the thread of hope throughout this wasn't on purpose. I am glad it worked though (well, I wasn't trying to make it doom and gloom but hope was an accident, lol).
I was nervous writing Lily (and James). I hadn't focused on Lily before and had only written James once before (but in a funny story so it was quite different). I'll definitely look at ways to weave in more info about Mrs. Evans. ^_^
Thank you so much for your review. I'm glad to have someone read this who knows about the Litany against Fear (it definitely adds depth to your reading of this, or will in future chapters). You've given me great feedback and items to think about when I edit. I'll definitely re-request for the next chapter (which I hope you'll like).
-Rose
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 10/13/2013
Hello :)
Here from Review Tag!
First up, I LOVE this idea that you've got going. Fear is one of the most basic emotions, and no matter how brave we are, we all have at least one thing we fear. We have at least that one moment of fear and I love how you picked that up and wrote a story from it.
Second of all, the idea behind this particular chapter was also lovely :) It's quite a realistic fear to have. I mean, to promise you life to someone, no matter how much you love them, makes you think. I liked how you made it clear that it wasn't marrying James that she was afraid of, it was the idea of marriage itself. That was the root problem.
I love Jily and I really enjoyed reading this fic. I'm glad that you didn't undermine the darkness in the world that they lived in. It made this more realistic and gave better background because it is natural that such things will always strike us. Whether we deserve the right to happiness when people are dying all around us, and such. Hence, Lily's thought process really appealed to me and I think you wrote her very well :)
Another character I simply loved was Mrs Evans. The dialogue between her and Lily and her thoughts on marriage were lovely. I also felt that she was very well written. This motherly feel oozed out of that short part of the fic.
I liked the simplistic proposal too. And how there was certainty and hope in their lives even in those times. I do think the encounter with Voldemort would have reminded James about the transient nature of life and might have prompted him to solidify his relationship with Lily as soon as possible. Thought I liked the proposal, a little bit of extravagance wouldn't hurt. Considering that it is James :P however, to each his own. It depends on how you see James. I liked it though :)
Overall, I really enjoyed this. I think you've done a great job :P
Author's Response: Hi!!!
I'm so glad you picked this for your review tag. ^_^ aah, I'm quite happy you like the theme. It seemed like a great story to write during October. This has been a great exercise in analyzing characters.
Lily's fear gave me a bit of worry to write about. I am glad it was clear that it was marriage, not James that made her feel fear. ^_^ I didn't want to pop any Jily bubbles out there.
It's amazing to get such good feedback from a Jily fan. I've never tried to write about them before so it's good to hear I captured them in a satisfying way to a die-hard fan. :D
Mrs. Evans was a joy to write. I kind of go gooey over the motherly love stuff - it's great to hear that it worked well for the story.
I think that the proposal would have been more extravagant if Voldemort hadn't been the catalyst for proposal I think there would have been a more romantic/lush date planned. (In my head James had been planning on proposing but abandoned the plan and did it faster but less romantically).
Thank you so much for this review. I really appreciated your words of encouragement and thoughts on James. I may try to sneak in a bit about his proposal being an improv and deviation from his first plan.
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 10/13/2013
Hi Rose! I'm here with your requested review!
I'm actually really pleased you requested this review because I saw your blog about this story and it seemed really interesting. I think you've managed to come up with a very original idea here, because I've never read anything like this before. When I saw that it was about fear and Lily, I was sure it would be something to do with the war. Instead you've put a unique spin on the idea and shown a fear that many people experience, completely unrelated to the war and the chaos going on around them. That makes this story really interesting, so I don't think you need to worry about that! It's also the only time that I've read about Lily just before she gets married, which interested me as well.
As far as readability is concerned, I think you've done a good job. You don't seem to have any problems with grammar, flow or pace and I like your writing style. The only thing I'd pick up on is towards the end, when Lily's mum arrives, as you use the name ""Mrs. Evans"" a lot and it sounds quite repetitive. I'd include a bit more variation and maybe even a little description - does she have the same hair as her daughter? The same eyes? Just to help us build a clearer image of her character in our minds.
I also think that the fear you've chosen to write about was portrayed realistically. Getting married is such a big step and big commitment and the nerves beforehand are a common fixture, and I like the fact you've picked up on a common fear and attributed it to Lily, who is also experiencing all the horrors of war. The way that her mum helped her over the fear was really sweet as well.
Another aspect I liked was the detail that you included in this chapter. The fragments of the letter from Petunia were used effectively and I think you captured how hurt Lily was by it very well. The little anecdote about Vernon and James made me laugh as well, because I can definitely imagine that happening! Even though this didn't focus on the war, I liked the fact you didn't forget about it altogether, mentioning the death in the Order and the botched attempted at recruiting James and Lily, both of which helped to anchor the story in to the time.
Overall I think you've got a really great idea here and a very interesting story. I hope this was helpful and feel free to re-request!
Sian :)
Author's Response: Hi Sian!!
I'm pleased you're pleased. :D I mean, I kind of feel like a nag requesting sometimes so it's awesome that you were a bit interested in this anyway. Oh wow, I didn't think this would be an original idea - yay!! I'm really glad her fear wasn't what you expected. I didn't want to be completely predictable (or too oddball either). I'm super excited that this hit your interest on a few levels.
Thank you so much for your feedback on readability. It's always a huge concern of mine because I'm a horrible editor. ^_^ It fills me with good feels that you like my style. I'll go back and vary up the Mrs. Evans usage when I edit this next and weave in more detail about her.
I was a bit worried when I picked this fear for Lily - just because there were more horrifying things going on in her life at the time. I'm really happy that it feels right for her to be afraid of getting married.
The bits about Petunia and the war were items I felt had to be addressed (mainly to justify the fear I ended up focusing on). I'm glad the Vernon and James part was funny. I've thought about writing that out in more detail but I didn't think that it would contribute to the overall storyline.
Thank you so much for this review. You've given me some good ideas to consider when I edit this and some really encouraging feedback. I'll definitely be re-requesting!
-Rose
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 10/12/2013
Hey! Here for my review!!!:D
This is too cute of a chapter so far. Very good story so far and I will be reading on. Honestly everything grammar wise and ect looks great!
Author's Response: Hi!! I am so glad to hear you liked it and that you'll be reading on (that's always the biggest compliment of all). ^_^
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 10/12/2013
Would it be acceptable to leave a review just saying that this was fantabulous and I loved it? Cos I'm not sure what else to say! No? Ok, I'll try to write a decent, coherent review (no promises though ;) haha)
In such a short space you have covered a lot about Voldemort. I loved seeing some of the events that happened in the first war through Voldemorts eyes. And, oh my, you portrayed Voldemort so well!! So twisted and warped!
I loved how he viewed the murders as glorious and beautiful - only a truly twisted person such as Voldemort would see a gruesome death as beautiful. And also to see 'heinous' and 'unspeakable devastation' as high praise for the act, again just shows how warped he is. Brilliant!
The section with Peter was great too. Of course Voldemort would have shown little appreciation to someone wanting to be a spy for him - even though he saw it as a victory - and the disdain he shows Peter was great. This line 'Torturing the truth out of him had been an unexpected delight – Voldemort had not expected so much pain and misery from one so otherwise uninteresting.' Just shows how little he thinks of Peter. Also I loved your brief explanation of why Peter turned to the dark side!
I loved the fear element in this and the fact that Voldemort couldn't name the emotion he was feeling really added to the fantastic portrayal of him. It was great that he was so shocked that he dropped his glass when he finally realised it was fear.
The last paragraph was fantastic!! And what a perfect line to end the chapter on! Loved it!
I really look forward to the Snape chapter!
Haronione ♥
Author's Response: You could just say you loved it and move on... but I'd get less squee out of it :P
The scary thing about writing Voldemort was how not scary it was to write him. I thought I'd have to dig deep for his emotions and they came out but they were just there (which gave me the creeps actually). Twisted and warped is a great way to put how he is (I hadn't thought of that while I was writing it).
I looked at Voldeshorts as being from opposite land. I am so glad his twisted thoughts on the murders fit with his personality. I'm a bit blown away that you classified this part as brilliant. :D
I struggled with Peter's part. I wanted to write that he had been holding out on key information because a small part of him was still loyal to his friends, but it didn't quite fit into the story. I couldn't see Voldemort valuing anyone much (even his loyal death eaters). Peter with his renown for not being a great wizard or too bright can't have been a tremendous catch.
I didn't see Voldemort as being in-tune to his feelings (or really use to having feels at all). I'm so glad the glass dropping worked - I was between it being too cutesy or something for the story.
This chapter was the easiest to tie in with the quote (as it had the strongest tie to Voldemort's fear).
Thank you so much for this review. It really made me feel proud of what I wrote and quite encouraged to work on Snape (who may be more of a challenge for me than Voldemort was)
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 10/12/2013
First of all, I love love love the idea of having short stories/chapters from the view of different characters, I think that this technique allows more detail and description and knowledge of a character than chapters that deal with so many characters at once!
I found Lilly's sadness at her sister not being present at her wedding quite heartbreaking and I think you captured her fear and uncertainty brilliantly. The feeling of ambiguity when it comes to bride who's got so much too loose is so understandable, especially when she doesn't want to loose James over anyone. I find her thoughts so sweet and clear for someone who's got the war going on around her.
I'm definitely reading the other chapters! Well done! :)
Author's Response: Hi!! Thanks for doing a review swap with me (and for picking this story). I am glad the idea of a multiple POV story works and that you like the theme. I thought it was a good idea to explore during October.
It makes me super happy that you like how I portrayed Lily's fear at her wedding (between Petunia not being there and fear of marriage itself).
I hope you like the other chapters too!!
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 10/12/2013
First of all, I love love love the idea of having short stories/chapters from the view of different characters, I think that this technique allows more detail and description and knowledge of a character than chapters that deal with so many characters at once!
I found Lilly's sadness at her sister not being present at her wedding quite heartbreaking and I think you captured her fear and uncertainty brilliantly. The feeling of ambiguity when it comes to bride who's got so much too loose is so understandable, especially when she doesn't want to loose James over anyone. I find her thoughts so sweet and clear for someone who's got the war going on around her.
I'm definitely reading the other chapters! Well done! :)
Author's Response: Hi!! Thanks for doing a review swap with me (and for picking this story). I am glad the idea of a multiple POV story works and that you like the theme. I thought it was a good idea to explore during October.
It makes me super happy that you like how I portrayed Lily's fear at her wedding (between Petunia not being there and fear of marriage itself).
I hope you like the other chapters too!!
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 10/11/2013
Hey Rose, back again through review tag!
I really loved the emphasis on Lily’s relationship with Petunia in this chapter for a few reasons. The first being simply that it’s often forgotten in fanfiction but the way you highlighted it here was really great as we got to understand more about Lily’s feelings towards on her in such a momentous day. The mentions of Vernon and James made me chuckle! Then the way you would think she should think about her as she is her sister and their strange relationship has always interested me. I almost wish she had come along as it would have been interesting.
Also the emphasis on the dark life such as Order members dying and her thoughts about Voldemort were very appropriate as it highlighted the fact her life wasn’t all that great. The subtle mentions towards her age also added a lot as it showed how much she was going through at such a young age which was really shocking.
The uncertainty about marrying James was great as it was shown in both the flashback with her quiet voice and James’ suddenness in asking and with her mother. It was nice to see how well you carried it through and I thought that her doubts about the marriage were very realistic because it was very rushed when you think about it.
One minor thing, you said Mrs. Evans a lot, I would suggest mixing it up with her mum or Lily’s mum just for some variation.
The talk with her mum was really lovely and heart-warming and I like how you can always go to your mum to sort things out and then just feel so much better. The brief cameo from her dad made me smile and I thought it was a really touching story that I liked a lot. I’ll try and make it back for some more if life allows me too!
-Kiana
Author's Response: Hi Kiana!!
I'm glad you picked this for the review tag!!
When I wrote this I tried to think of everything horrible in Lily's life at the time and wanted to at least touch on those things. I'm so glad the Petunia bit worked well (and that Vernon's small part made you laugh). I want to describe that scene in more detail but it doesn't really add to the main point of this story. Still considering it though.
I was worried that I didn't frame her fear right but it sounds like my message came across how I meant it to be interpretted. Their marriage always did seem rushed to me and I wonder how they would have lasted without dying in the war before they could really take their marriage out for a spin.
Thanks for pointing out the repitition of Mrs. Evans. I'll vary that up when I edit this next.
^_^ I really liked writing the conversation between Lily and her mum. I got a lot of good feels from writing it. It's great to hear that you liked the convo and the brief interlude from her dad (I meant him to be a bit of comedic releif).
The next part is quite a bit different - I hope it comes across your path! (if not I might request ^_^)
Your review was really awesome. Thank you so much for taking the time to review!
-Rose
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 10/11/2013
ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT I SAY. BRILLIANT.
First of all, THANK YOU! I've been waiting for ages to see someone had wrote what Voldemort was thinking as he found out he had to kill Harry. I always thought it would interesting, and yeah - I thought he'd be scared witless.
AND OH MY MERLIN YOU THOUGHT THE SAME AND THIS IS AWESOME.
I loved the previous two chapters, but this one WAS AWESOME. Seriously.
Being inside his head, was frightening really. Really scary, to see how his crooked mind works. But what was even more scarier was to see that fear close up, the fear we've never seen inside of him before.
The quote at the very beginning tied in so well with your last line. The way it weaved in and connected was perfect and so subtle.
Seriously. I love it. This is what I call writing.
Author's Response: This is the best review ever. I've never seen this much squee from one person and I'm quite blown away.
I did think it'd be quite evil to write about Voldemort in his moment of decision to go after the prophecy. I wanted it to be all stabby with his decision to go after it a fear reaction.
I was frightened writing Voldemort. It makes me a bit frightened at myself for being able to ""go there"" and write as him.
Yay! I tried hard to weave the quotes at the beginning of each part with some bit in the chapter. This one was the easiest to tie to the quote.
ah, you've really made my day. ^_^
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 10/11/2013
Wow, this was so much fun to read!
I love that you are providing an in depth character analysis on their fears! It's so interesting!
I cannot wait to see what you are going to write for Snape. He's one of my favorites!
-Rumpel
Author's Response: Hi Rumpel!
I'm glad you found this to be a fun read. It's been a lot of fun dabbling in these characters and their fear.
I'll be sure to post when Snape is posted. I'll be interested in your opinion as a Snape fan.
-Rose
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 10/11/2013
REVIEW TAG!
Oh, I love the concept of this story! I like how the two moments of fear that you've chosen (I peaked at the next chapter ;)) aren't the fears that one would expect with a war going on. They're normal, everyday fears, which is wonderful I think, and it really shows how life just marches on despite puny humans meddling!
I adored this little insight into Lily's head. You don't often see her being unsure, especially in this way, and I liked that. I enjoyed how normal and natural her feelings were - it didn't feel as if they were forced, or contrived in any way. I think this illustrated that even though these are just snapshots, you have a firm grasp of your characters, and this translates really well into your writing.
I'm looking forward to reading about James in the next chapter, and I'll make sure to pop in and review, once I find the time!
PS: Congratulations on your 10 year archive anniversary!
Author's Response: Hi!!! I'm so glad you like the concept I'm playing with here. It hit me when my husband and I were exchanging mantras from our favorite books and the Litany against Fear came up. This idea came soon after that.
I had a lot of fun playing with every day fears for James and Lily. I didn't want it to be just about the war and that inherit trauma. It's really great to hear that my characterization of Lily came across well and that it worked to just to a snipped from her life.
Thanks so much for reviewing this! I look forward to getting your feedback on the next bit! And thanks for the congrats. I feel like 10 years went by really, really fast.
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 10/10/2013
Rose, as always your work with the Marauders surprises me and takes me away.
You pulled off child Remus so, so well in your other one shot. You pulled off adult Remus brilliantly. He was so perfect, I think it comes naturally as you write him? He's always such a pleasure to read, especially the way you write him. You give him a wise but playful, and mostly kind personality I adore. He's always a pleasure to ""get to know"".
The fear of becoming a parent. Wow. Again, a very intelligent way to take something like parenthood and show the fear in it. I think it's completely believable for James to be scared and for Sirius not being very helpful at all.
It's very curious, the way you portrayed Peter. You showed a better side of him. He was almost likable, and his relationship with the others was very sweet. I almost forgot that he's a traitor.
Sirius was perfect, but James was most realistic to me. Very well done with him.
All in all, this was sweet and all around cute. I really enjoyed this! Voldy's next you say? I'll be sure to have my eyes peeled for the next!
Author's Response: Every time I read this review today, I grinned (which is kind of awkward when you consider that the person who sits next to me at work saw me at it a few times).
re: how I got into Remus so well... my two novel length fics have Remus as a main character in one and the narrator in the other. So... you could say I've spent some time there. :D I am very flattered you like how I write him. :D
I'm so glad parenthood seemed like a good idea to you too. Maybe it's just because I'm at a point in my life where parenthood is the next thing (so it seems very scary to me) but I thought it'd weigh heavily on James' mind too. lol, yeah, I couldn't see Sirius having the emotional depth at this point in time to really help with the deepest fear thing.
oh man, I did debate Peter in this. I've always hated writing him because he tends to come across as always the traitor in FF. I wanted to show him as a friend here just because he had to be somewhat redeemable for the others to like him for so long. I'm also a bit sympathetic towards him in my Voldy chapter too (not completely but there's a bit of nice in how I explain him).
I should be able to post my next chapter tonight or tomorrow. I'm about 3/4 done with it now. I am so glad you liked this chapter and that you're excited for the next one!
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 10/09/2013
Hey! I've been on a roll for reviews today, and I saw your blog about this one so knew I had to stop by :) Congrats on 10 years - I hope I stick around for that long!
Initially, when I'd first read your blog about your whole concept, I'd thought this was going to be horror and super dark. I thought it was really clever of you, how you managed to take something cheerful like a wedding, and shine another light to it, show the fear and uncertainties it holds. Very believable and intelligent.
Thought Petunia was only mentioned, and her ""dialogue"" wasn't really ""dialogue"" per say, it fit her character amazingly. Those few words were so well characterized and just so well rounded they were fabulous. My mind is still a bit blown by that bit because it was stunning how in character it was.
I really enjoyed your version of Lily. It was very well done and written. Definitely liked your portrayal of her, and yeah. Pretty awesome :)
I can't really say much more without being redundant, but this piece was artistically written, and I enjoyed reading it so much. I look forward to reading the next chappie when I have time.. so maybe tomorrow haha, and obviously, the ones to come in the future!
-Nadia (congrats again!)
Author's Response: Hi Nadia!
Thanks so much for doing this swap with me. 10 years has been a long time (though I haven't been on here continuously for 10 years).
Other parts of this will be darker (I mean, I do talk about Voldemort and Snape). I do tend to shine a dark spot on any happy moment in life. Partly because I don't think you can (to quote Slughorn) have the light without the dark. Pretty much this series will be like walking into a cave (in terms of darkness).
I'm really flattered that you liked how I wrote Petunia (in her small role) and Lily. This was my first time writing Lily. I stole a bit from my own experience getting married and being a bride to influence how I thought she'd feel on her wedding day.
I hope you like the next chappie when you get a chance to read through it (it's on James!). I'll have my Voldemort chapter up today/tomorrow too (but that is a tad darker).
Thank you so much for swapping reviews with me and helping to make my HPFF celebration memorable!
-Rose
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 10/09/2013
!!! This chapter was a heap better!
You do dialogue really well, so this chapter compared to the last was easier to read, more natural, and you have conveyed James fear really really clearly.
I like the phrase ""knarl got your tongue?"" - its just perfect for pulling you into the wizarding world. I like the way you have Peter mouthing wordlessly, and Sirius looking helpless.
I guess my only query would be whether a not any guy would ever be caught dead saying the phrase ""Im scared to be.."" out loud - even to his best mates. James says it twice. I reckon they (guys in general) might say ""Im worried.."" or ""I dunno if I'll be any good at.."" but admitting to fear directly is a huge and slightly cringeworthy thing. Then again, maybe James is jsut man enough to admit his fears.
I have images of marauders changing dirty nappies with this chapter, it makes me laugh.
I really think this chapter is a whole heap better than the first one. A big part of that is because you don't have the large chunks of description that you tried to work into Lily's chapter. Your description here is more natural, sliding seamlessly between sections of dialogue. Its also pretty obvious that you are really comfortable with the characterisation of these guys. Perhaps Lil's head talk is something that is a little more difficult to channel?
Either way, Im glad you said in your A/N that you could feel this one flowing more and had a lot more fun writing it. I think that is a good barometer for how well you are writing!
:)
Author's Response: !!! (I kind of love that you started off with exclamation points, I do that quite a bit ^_^)
I am really happy you read on despite rocky feelings about the first bit. (Even better that you liked this part so much more.)
I'll have to think about James saying he's scared. I do think he and Sirius are beyond macho positioning and ego-stroking. That's why I added the bit about how he would have been teased in school for saying that but they were more adult at this point in time. I might changed the second I'm scared though. It feels too redundant.
I'm glad you liked how I wrote James and his friends. It's always fun to write in wizard-isms too. I tend to have a lot of them in my stories.
Thanks so much for reviewing two chapters at once!! That meant a lot to me.
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 10/09/2013
Hi, Review tag!
This is a great idea - to investigate the fear of marriage itself! I think you made it clear that she wasn't worried about whether or not James was the right guy, so well done on that. I did notice though that the only time you used the word fear was to describe her fear that her relationship with petunia was beyond repair. Until I read your A/N that was what I had assumed the fear to be! (EDIT: on second read I noticed you have mentioned that her fear started on her wedding day, but the rest of the references are euphemisms such as anxiety, or weight in her heart)
I felt that the second half of the chapter was much better written than the first half, starting with the flashback to the proposal - I thought it was really well done. :) I see in the other reviews left someone had said James' speech in that could have been broken up - I presume you have edited this now? It looks like you have broken it up nicely and I wouldn't say now that is a mouthful that would leave him breathless. The flashback is sweet and beautiful.
I did have trouble right from the word go with the passive descriptions of the first half of the chapter. I also think there may have been tense changes ""that IS where lily KNEW she would find Solace.""
Additionally there were a few mismatches within the sentence structure itself. In first line, ""feeling joyous and anxious,"" Lily is feeling two emotions that are usually contrary to each other. If you were to say she were ""feeling both joyous and anxious"" you (as the author) acknowledge that these emotions may appear to be contradictory, and yet they both coexist.
I can see that you have tried to put a lot of description into Lily's internal dialogue with picturesque backdrops and rolling hills, but these sentences are short statements, not flowing prose that sweeps you up into an imaginary world. It feels a little stilted. Also be very careful of the word ""nice"" - if nice is the best you can say about something, it often isn't actually very nice at all!
I thought the conversation with Mrs Evans was much easier to read and ""get into."" I think you have a really great dialogue between mother and daughter that just feels really natural and easy to read! I loved seeing Mr and Mrs Evans enter the story! Thankyou
Author's Response: Hi!! Thanks so much for your feedback. I don't like much of the first three paragraphs. I'm thinking through how I want to reframe the intro to this story. I did avoid re-using the word fear, I didn't want to be overly repetitive. I'm glad you caught the euphemisms though. I think the paradigm of emotions was me related how I felt when I got married. My wedding day was a very tense and anxious day but it was also happy and full of joy. I think it's pretty common for brides to feel a mix of emotions (even ones that are contrary). Ick, I don't like that I used 'nice' to describe the manor (Did I mention that I don't like the intro bit?)
I am really glad that you like the premise behind this part of the overall story and how I focused on marriage rather than the war or whether she picked the right guy. Mr and Mrs Evans were my favorite part to add to this chapter.
Thanks again for this review! You gave me a lot of great CC.
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 10/09/2013
I've been looking forward to reading this chapter :) and I wasn't disappointed - I think I liked this one even more than the first one!!
You really do write James and Sirius well! They are in quite a different situation in this fic than in Impressive Vroom, but I felt they were characterised just a well! Also, in this one you have the added bonus of included Remus and Peter too. They were equally as well characterised. I loved Remus in this, he was just so Remus! Always the one to offer practical advice. I just loved the interaction between them all :)
As for the fear you have decided to write for James? Brilliant! You usually read about the mother being worried about being a parent so it was great to see it from the fathers side. I think this is particularly good for James, considering how young he was when they had Harry. Also, I love that you made James emphatically state that his fears were not due to the war etc (although, of course that would have had an extra impact on becoming a parent) it would have been all too easy to have him worry about having a child during war time. I do think that worry would come after the birth though - but that's a different story and i'm reviewing this one ;)
Ah, my absolute favourite line of this was 'My parents were parents but I'm just me' it's just brilliant! Children (not that James is a child in this, but he is his parents' child) rarely think of their parents as anything but a parent and they do seem to forget that once upon a time they weren't parents. So, I just loved that line :) I also really liked this line from Remus If you start being a dad who is full of fear, you won't have a clear mind or heart to love him' so very true! With my first child I was too busy worrying about everything to really enjoy her, so I love that you have this line in here. Actually, I really loved the whole speech that line is from :)
As i said, you have written the marauders really well here. In this short piece you have really portrayed the strength of their friendship well :) from the advice and support they offer James to the glimpses of their past misdemeanours and friendship. Great job!
As you can probably tell I really enjoyed this and am eager to read the next chapter, whichever character it may be :)
Haronione ♥
Author's Response: Hi!!
I'm quite thrilled you liked the way I morphed James and Sirius in this story. I was so worried about writing Peter - I'm glad he worked out. (I write Remus all the time so he was a bit easier).
Yay, I'm glad you like the fear I picked for James. I've always imagined that parenting might be a touch scarier for men. In my head it was a combination of age and sheer level of responsibility/. I agree that they'd focus more on the war and its dangers after Harry was born (and that it was a slight concern before his birth too).
^_^ I think the Potters were old enough that James never saw them as young people (kind of like Harry never considered that Dumbledore had been young once too). Remus' line about fear was my tie-in to the quote at the beginning. It's a worry I have about being a parent (that I'll be too wrapped up in doing it right rather than just doing it). I loved giving Remus that speech. In my head I was hoping he remembered that advice when he had Teddy.
I had a lot of fun writing in bits about the Marauders (I kind of want to write about James setting fire to the locker room.)
I'll have the next chapter up today/tomorrow. I wrote a large part of it yesterday. (Spoiler - it's Voldemort!)
I'm so glad you like this story. Thank you for such a wonderful review. I always look forward to reading your reviews!
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 10/07/2013
Hi toomanycurls, me again :)
I really enjoyed this little glimpse into Lily and James's relationship, and Lily's thoughts on their wedding day. I think it's very realistic that she would have had some worries on her wedding day, especially with the way things were when they got married.I felt the way you wrote her thought process of her different worries and fears flowed really well. The fact that she feared the future and the impact the war had already had on their relationship was really good; of course she would worry about how it would shape their future and their love for each other.
I really liked that you added the proposal into this. It was as if James had had the proposal all planned out and was going to be totally romantic with it but then couldn't help proposing after their run-in with Voldemort.
I did notice a couple of small errors in this. This line didn't read right to me 'Lily's mind drifted to the Voldemort's to recruit them to his side.' I think it should read 'Lily's mind drifted to Voldemort's attempt to recruit them to his side' Also, this line 'Mrs. Evans pulled sat down next to her youngest child.' The 'pulled' shouldn't be there.
Speaking of Mrs. Evans though, I really liked the interaction between her and Lily. I thought she was characterised well, I could imagine her being very loving and supportive - as you have portrayed her here.
Overall, this was a great opening to your short story collection and I look forward to reading the rest of the characters and their fears :)
Haronione ♥
Author's Response: Hi Haronione!!
I am quite flattered that you decided to come read this (especially without a request or tag). ^_^ I can't tell you how awesome that made me feel
I'm so glad the narrative of her fears worked well. I didn't want to make it just about the war or just about other issues in her life. I was worried that it would seem like a slight against the James/Lily ship (which it wasn't). I kind of had to write the proposal in there. Maybe it's because I was writing this while watching Love Actually. It just seemed to fit in. Part of it was to show when Lily started to feel fear about getting married and part of it was just to let some sappy romantic stuff flow out there.
(As you can see I decided to stick with Mrs. Evans ^_^) I'm glad you liked how I did Mrs. Evans. I took what I knew of Lily and kind of reverse engineered her mom (and dad). She clearly came from a loving family and I wanted to capture that. i'm very glad that came through like I was aiming for.
Oh man, thanks so much for catching my typos/error. I'll get that edited soon.
I should have the James chapter up in the next day or so. ^_^
Thank you so much for this wonderful review!!
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 10/07/2013
This is a lovely look at Lily's thoughts on the day of her wedding. At first, I thought the ""fear"" aspect of the story would have to do with the war, but it was a pleasant surprise to find that, instead, it was about the marriage. And Lily is right to fear it, not because she's so young, but because of what's going on around her. This wedding to James is as much an act of defiance against Voldemort as was Lily's last stand to save Harry - she's a Muggleborn marrying a pureblood, and it's a union of love, as you were careful to show. That moment between her and James was brief, but it left its impact on the story. James was so incredibly James in that scene - restless, ever willing to take risks, and once he makes a choice, he stays true to it. I love to see when authors can bring a character to life in just a couple of lines, and that's exactly what you did with James, keeping him perfectly to canon.
It was also a treat to see Lily with her parents. I don't know why, but they so rarely make appearances in stories about Lily, and it's kind of sad because Lily needs a positive force in her life, especially once Petunia and Snape both turn against her. They reminded me a little of Hermione's parents - very average (right down to the words they speak), yet caring, wanting their magical daughter to be happy. They don't pay attention to the magic, as Petunia always does, but rather to Lily as a person.
There were a couple of things in this story that do need smoothing out. For instance, the line ""Lily’s mind drifted to the Voldemort’s to recruit them to his side"" has a word or two missing (did you mean ""Voldemort's efforts""?). I'm also uncertain about the dialogue - James's proposal is rather wordy. If someone actually spoke like that, they'd be left breathless, yet James's actions and behaviour at that moment sounds very deliberate. Perhaps adding more narration/description there to break up that speech would make it clearer how he's speaking - does his voice shake? Is he nervous or excited? It would be great if that scene between Lily and James could be longer - it's an important moment, otherwise Lily wouldn't having that flashback. (Sorry, I'm a greedy reader. :P)
This portrayal of Lily as a whole is well-done, offering a snapshot of a moment one generally doesn't see in fanfiction. I look forward to seeing what you do with the other characters from this era!
Author's Response: This review is incredible. I'm really glad you liked the slight twist of not focusing on the war as her moment of fear. I'm kind of dying of squee - this was my first time trying to capture Lily and James and it makes me so happy to hear that I managed it!!
The Evans were a lot of fun to write. There's close to nothing about them so it was a bit liberating to mold them from nothing (well, taking what we can see from the output of their family). I kind of wish I could say I was intentional with Mrs. Evans focusing on Lily rather than her magic, but it is a lovely parallel to draw between how Petunia treats Lily versus the rest of her family. ^_^
Oh my gosh thank you for pointing out those mistakes. (I am the worse proofreader, ever, so having people kind enough to point that out is extremely helpful). I'll also take a look at chunking out James' proposal. When I wrote it I was a bit 'fingers to the keyboard' trying to get the idea out.
I should have the James chapter up soon (tonight/tomorrow). His chapter is flowing a lot better for me. I felt this one was a stretch to write. It means a lot to me to hear that it's well-done. Thank so much for this review. ^_^
Transferred from offsite at request of the author
Originally left on 10/07/2013
Hey there!
James and Lily are one of my most favorite characters from the HP world. Their love for each other even though the war was raging on was amazing and touching at the same time. It must have been really hard to get married and be happy with all those worries of war surrounding you and I think you've caught the situation in words nicely. =]
You've written everything through Lily's eyes perfectly. She was totally canon here and I liked it. The advises given by Mrs Evans were so- motherish! My mom did the same thing when my sister got married. :P
The main common plot throughout your short story collection is the thread of fear which bound all the wizarding world during the war. I just thought that the part in this one containing Lily's moments of fear was rushed and short. You described Petunia's wedding and Lily's feelings for her briefly and told about her fears quickly. You can write more about the moments of fear to make it more effective. I'd advise you to cut the Petunia part if you're keen to keep your word count in limit. If not, you should describe her fears and worries of war more.
Hope I wasn't harsh! This was really a nice read.
Keep writing!
Ashwini
Author's Response: Hi! I'm glad to get feedback from a James/Lily fan. This is my first time writing Lily so it's great to hear my characterizations worked.
Your comment made me realize that I needed to adjust the title. It's now called A Moment of Fear. Each short story looks at a moment rather than a series of fears. I do agree that I could stretch out her thoughts about Petunia and Voldemort. I'll take a crack at that when I edit.
Your review wasn't harsh, it gave the exact feedback I needed. :) Thank you very much!
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