FanficTalk Archive
Unleash Your Fandom
Transfered Offsite by Request of the Author.
Originally left on 5-22-2015
Hello! Here for part two of our swap. So sorry for the delay.
Okay, I was an idiot last year and somehow didn't figure out that Ingvar was Salazar's father. Sorry was very tired when reading and that's why I was confused. Now it makes more sense.
This chapter was wonderful. You've really picked the pace up and it works very well.
I like how Ingvar and Godric spoke as equals. They show each other respect and I totally understand Ingvar's motives in not wanting to fight. He's at a very different point in his life to Godric and his family is his priority at the moment.
The whole scene with the snake was handled brilliantly. There's a lot of tension and you keep the characters believable while getting across the ominous atmosphere. I really liked that you didn't make it too obvious how much danger they were in. It's frustrating when characters should have recognised they were in trouble and ignore the warning signs, but this was just the right level of concern to make their reactions accurate.
The cliffhanger at the end! I want to know what happens! You convey Salazar's panic very well and make him very sympathetic as a character.
What I think is most impressive about this story is how much you've built up your own world within Rowling's. You've obviously put a lot of thought into what the wizarding world of the time was like, and it makes the story very original.
I'm looking forward to seeing what happens next. I'm definitely intrigued to see how Godric will respond to the attack, and I'm looking forward to meeting Helga and Rowena.
Wonderful chapter! Thanks for the swap!
Emma xx
Author's Response:
Thanks, and I'm hoping to get chapter three out soon. Thanks again. The others will show up soon. :)
Author's Response:Thank you for the review
Transfered Offsite by Request of the Author.
Originally left on 6-18-2015
Hello! Here from the BvB review battle!
OH MY GOSH HOW DARE YOU END A CHAPTER LIKE THAT! I WAS JUST GETTING SO INTO IT AND THEN YOU END IT AFTER THE WHOLE MINI PANIC ATTACK ABOUT THE SNAKE BEING POISONOUS AND JUST…THIS IS TOO MUCH.
Okay. Sorry. Had to get that outta my system right off the bat here.
So. Really loved this chapter. I love Salazar, and Godric, and Ingvar. I love their interactions with other characters and how they handle conversation with each other. I love the history you put into Godric and Ingvar, with Godric bringing up the past in ways that affect Ingvar in ways he doesn’t realize exist. Your characterization is flawless, as each character reacts the way they should, based on the roles you’ve assigned to them. It really is fantastic.
Other things I loved…the plot, so far. I have a feeling I am starting to have an understanding of what Godric is visiting Ingvar for with the letter and all, though I don’t know the significance of said letter. I’d also hedge my guess, but I think I need a little bit more than what I’ve been given to feel confident in sharing…but really, I like where this is going and I’m so excited to see how you’re going to develop it from here! (Also, cliff hangers are the way to go, despite my displeasure with not knowing what happens next…)
I did find a few things, some nitpicky, some just writer’s preference or wording things. They are listed below, in order they appear I believe…
""...twirling a blade of grass absentmindedly between his fingers as he gaze rested thoughtfully on the small Slytherin cottage."" –he should be his
""Now, he's after me, all because I'm not going to be cowed enough to run off and hide in a hole..."" –This one I’m being nitpicky with commas. Sometimes I feel they’re overused, as here, you really don’t need the one after now, I don’t think. May be a preference thing
“Stepping inside Ingvar began navigating the clutter with a familiar ease, but midway across, he hesitated.”-Nitpicky comma thing again—would lose the comma before but. It may just be a style thing, so definitely not something you had to change, but I think it think it makes the sentence flow better
“It hid things for him, and even allowing his emotions to show, no one else could see.” –Wording thing, that could just be me—here I would get rid of the ‘and’ and replace the comma after show with the word as so the sentence reads “It hid things for him, even allowing his emotions to show as no one else could see.”
This last one, I’m thinking there is a word missing, or something? Not quite sure what you’re trying to say: “We need this cleaned before it's then, and I don't know a spell for that.”
Okay. That’s all. Sorry for being nitpicky and all over the place with little edits. Because really, this chapter was quite fantastic and I enjoyed the read! I enjoyed it so much so that I was unable to narrow down which one quote or part was my favourite, so I’m sharking the three that drew my attention:
""Half the time you deserved it, you do realize."" // ""And the other half I think you just liked smacking me around."" // ""Point taken, lad. I do admit that it was certainly fun at times.""
""...how we all lose things we care about, but when you quit you only lose more...""
“Even after their discussion there was still so much left unspoken.”
Great job! I’ve enjoyed the story so far and can’t wait to see where you take this!
-Mikaela
Author's Response:Thank you for the review
Transfered Offsite by Request of the Author.
Originally left on 6-29-2015
Hi there,
I agree you don't find many stories in the honor of the great Hogwarts' founders. I myself am writing one but quiet different from what you have going on here.
I like the plot: the idea that Slytherin's father was Gryffindor's mentor explains well the relationships those two had. And the fact that the old Slytherin was a bold man gave him lots of muggle enemies so it would be natural for them to discover there's something odd about him.
I look forward to seeing what happens to this family, I hope there wouldn't be tears though... I already like the mother and I've grown a bit on the Slytherins.
All in all, you're doing great job with this story: the pace is just right for it, you give your reader enough information without completely overwhelming them or boring them and you keep them wondering what might happen next wanting to read more. And that's just great.
So I hope I can read the next chapter soon enough, until then enjoy writing :)
DaaOne
Author's Response:Thanks for your review!
Transfered Offsite by Request of the Author.
Originally left on 7-03-2015
Hello!!
I found Godric and Ingvar's exchange really interesting. First of all - it was weird timing that Godric would avoid bringing up the reason for his visit and Ingvar waited the same amount of time to ask about his visit. Even before they brought up the purpose of Godric's visit, their discussion was very interesting. You do a great job bringing in the mentor/student vibe between them. With their conversation focusing on Marcus, I'll be interested to see how he plays into the story.
I can't remember if you talked about Godric's reason for seeking out Ingvar for help but I'm now desperately curious to know what it is that has him going around to garner help/support.
Ingvar's reflecton and hte revelation that his wife is pregnant gives such a needed depth to his reactions and character. Each character in this story has a nice complexity to them which makes me eager to keep reading.
Seeing Salazar speak to (or at least understand) the snake was very cool. I enjoyed the moment between mother and son but am worried that he snake bite will turn into something worse.
dude! Did muggles just attack them!??! O.O when are you writing more?
-Rose
Author's Response:Thanks for your review!
Transfered Offsite by Request of the Author.
Originally left on 7-08-2015
Hey there, here for our multichaptered review swap!
I liked Godric and Ingvar in this chapter, its interesting how the relationship between Godric,Ingvar and Salazar intertwines.
I also love how well the characters are portrayed, Godric being as Gryffindor as they come (a man to my heart, ghehehe)
The pace is also picking up, which was welcome. I'm still waiting on Helena/Helga though, can't wait to see how they all come into this. I also appreciate the lack of typos.
You're doing pretty good so far I reckon. Too bad there are only 2 chapters of this story as of now.
Waiting on your review!
Alec
Author's Response:Thanks for your review!
Transfered Offsite by Request of the Author.
Originally left on 7-09-2015
Hey, Kat! Back for BvB!
Oooh, there were a lot of things I really liked about this chapter! I wish there was a third chapter up so I could get deeper into it - I'll have to keep my eye out for it in the future.
It was heavily implied last chapter, but now it seems pretty clear that Salazar really is younger than Godric, both in age and in experience. Where Godric has been out in the world, Salazar has been largely protected from it, particularly from any violence <i>within</i> the wizarding community, which I can see becoming very important in how his perspective of the world is shaped. The tension between his father and the Muggle world also makes me understand his tension toward Muggleborns a little better; while we can see that danger and violence can come from all quarters, he isn't necessarily able to, in a large part due to Ingvar's isolationism.
And that's without the ending, of course, which would breed anger and resentment in pretty much everyone. I can't believe you ended on that cliffhanger, though! I'm <i>assuming</i> that what he saw were people - Muggles, likely? - and it was horrible to read, particularly when I realized that their wands were broken. That's a pretty effective way to stop most wizards from retaliating. And if either of Salazar's parents died or his mother lost the baby (which is fairly likely, IMO - <i>a lot</i> of pregnancies end in miscarriage in the first trimester, often before a woman even knows she's pregnant), I can see this spurring him both to leave home and to hate Muggles.
This was so interesting, and I can't wait to see if my guesses are right!
A little CC:
Salazar's mother mentioned only being <i>"a few weeks pregnant, not months.""</i> That didn't make sense to me on a couple levels. First, pregnancy isn't generally measured in months - it's measured in weeks, so I don't think it's likely that Amara would ever think of herself as being ""a few months pregnant."" Women generally don't realize that they're pregnant just a few weeks in in the first place, and they certainly don't eschew walking outside to get some herbs even much further into the pregnancy. Magic might be able to explain away some of that, but overall, it just came off as odd to me, and I think a couple small changes would make it much more plausible.
Overall, though, excellent job! I can't wait for the next update!
Author's Response:Thanks for your review!
Transfered Offsite by Request of the Author.
Originally left on 8-14-2015
Hi Kat! I'm here for our swap from yesterday, and for the BvB Review Fest. :D
You write Founders era like no one I've ever seen before, and that's a good thing! I love all of the bits of backstory that you put in this chapter--just enough to leave me wanting more and only being able to guess at what happened. For instance, Salazar's sickness when he was younger intrigues me, and the relationship between Godric and Ingvar is something that I want to see more of! I want to know all about him, and he's Salazar's father!
Ooh, and I really want to know what was in the letter, too. Is Godric already planning to start Hogwarts with Rowena and Helga, and he's just trying to get Ingvar in on the plan? But Ingvar's so reluctant and I'm looking forward to seeing Godric's further relationship with Salazar as he inevitably accepts Godric's invitation to found Hogwarts.
Ooh, this line was so lovely: <i>Gone were the people, jostling each other about in their mad rush, and the hectic tangle of voices crashing over each other faded far away. It was a time of peace, of reflection, a time he sorely needed.</i> Some really beautiful imagery there of the people in the crowds. And I can totally sympathize with Ingvar on the enjoying-night-better-than-day thing.
A few things that I caught (very minor):
<i>Low you always used to knock me upside the head for example. </i>~I think you meant ""How"" at the beginning.
<i>Godric, why did you came back?</i>~This is supposed to be ""come back."" Small typos, like I said!
Salazar's interaction with the snake was really interesting! I like how you wove in that part of his character, although it's a shame that the snake bit his mother. And I really enjoyed the passing down of Slytherin's locket--it's a cool kind of origin, that the locket is one of Salazar's treasured objects because it was given to him by his father.
It looks like that shadow in the woods <i>wasn't</i> a deer after all! Oh no! What's going to happen to the Slytherin family?! I hope that you can update soon, because I remember really enjoying your chapter three when I beta'd it, but I can't quite remember what happens in it.
This was a really great, information-filled chapter!
♥Mallory
Author's Response:
Thanks, and sorry for the wait. Just reviewed yours after...ages. *hides*
Anyway, this review really made me smile, and makes me feel really guilty that I can never manage to write ones so long. I'm really happy that you liked it. :)
Hi Kat, I’m here with your requested review!
I notice that you still cleverly hide exactly what it is that Godric is worried about and Ingvar won’t take part in. Clearly a building war, or at least an ongoing series of skirmishes, but what I don’t know is whether it’s between wizards and Muggles, or whether it’s between different groups of Muggles as was very common in that region during this period in history. And I’m curious why Godric thinks they need Ingvar specifically. Either he knows people on both sides and has a chance of stopping it, or it’s because of Ingvar’s unparalleled skill in magic, meaning this is muggle/wizard wars. I’m leaning towards the second because solving things diplomatically doesn’t really strike me as Godric’s modus operandi. I think
he’s more of a sword guy. I’ll be curious to see how my powers of deduction hold up as I read on :P
It seems that Salazar’s mother, at least, is aware of Salazar’s ability to speak with snakes. Kinda makes me wonder if this is a trait that runs in the family – does Amara or Ingvar possess this ability as well? Is it the fact that he talked to a snake, or the fact that he did magic, that worries Amara about someone overhearing? Whoever (or whatever) overheard them must have been very fast indeed if they scrambled out of a nearby shrub and only appeared to Salazar as blurred movement. Either that or they were using magic too, in which case they have no grounds to judge Salazar :P
The final scene in the chapter is one I kind of expected, but that didn’t make it any easier to read - how awful for Salazar and his mother. At this point it’s not clear whether this happened due to Marcus the tax collector, or to someone seeing Salazar performing magic, but you’ve given pretty good hints toward each. And, for all I know, it could even be both. Marcus the tax collector could have been hiding in the shrub.
Lingering questions: How did Godric sleep through all of this commotion? He was on the floor, and I can’t imagine capturing the whole Slytherin family and taking them outside was quiet, but he’s not mentioned at the end.
This chapter’s POVs seem a lot more evenly distributed than the previous one, and as such I think it flows better.
And, since you mentioned separating the characters in your areas of concern last time, I’ll address it again – I like the further look into the three POV characters’ minds (Amara I still feel like I know less, but she’s not a POV character) and after this chapter I feel as if I know the characters better, and once again there is no difficulty in distinguishing them from one another – they’re all quite different. Even Salazar and Ingvar, whom you’ve pointed out have some similarities, I can already see where they are not alike, which is that Ingvar was not willing to go into battle/war/the unnamed conflict because he wants to protect his family, and it has nothing to do with his feelings about the other side but about the people he
loves. This is a huge event in Salazar’s life and I think it’s going to have far reaching effects as to his character in the future and his motivations. Though, to be fair, I suppose I can’t predict Ingvar’s reaction if he survives whatever happened to him here… Either way, this will bring out some very different sides of these characters, I’m sure.
Great work on this chapter.
Author's Response:Hi, Stella! As always, your review is amazing. *hugs*
Godric is typically at least thought of that way. We'll see. Could be one of the other. Could be both.
It was actually his father that warned Salazar.
You'll see what's up with Godric shortly. Promise.
Glad to see I fixed that issue. Hopefully Amara will have a bit more insight into her character within the next chapter, and it definitly is a big event, I'd say.
Thanks again for the lovely review!
Hi Kat. I really loved this first chapter - I don't think I've ever read a Founders story and I agree - they lack canon story.
Your writing is awesome - I was immeadiately immersed into an old world with horses, swords and villages. I find it interesting that Salazar is much younger than Godric and that he knows his family - that really creates an interesting dynamic. I also liked the contrast you made between them - how Godric is cocky and outgoing, while Salazar is quiet and thoughtful.
I think we got an excellent insight into Godric - and I hope to see more from Salazar's POV soon. I can only assume the next chapter will be about the girls? Yay!
Overall, a great beginning to your story!
- Beth
Author's Response:Hi, Beth!
Thanks for the review! They won't be here quite yet, but Rowena and Helga will show up soon. Don't worry. :)
....i seriously can't wait to find out why godric came back?!?! the suspense and mystery are killing me :I
somehow, i think that there's more to this marcus than ingvar is letting on? to be honest, i expected marcus to be dealt with with magic but i understand they're careful not to use it in front of muggles? this is before the statute of secrecy so i'm looking forward to seeing how the living alongside muggles is dealt with *_*
i loved the bit when salazar talks to the snakey :D it was kinda cute - both his concern for his mother and the reason for the snake attack :)
with the way this chapter ends i suspect salazar was right and it wasn't a deer that saw them...but was it marcus? or someone else? :o
another interesting chapter! i like how you're weaving the mystery in and drawing it out but obviously i'm also looking forward to finding out what happens :)
kris
Author's Response:Thanks, Kris!
Might be. May not be. It is before the Statuete of Secrecy, you're right. I'm sure you'll see soon enough.
Might not be a dear. Again, I'm sure you'll find out. Thanks for reading, and hope the reveal is worth the wait for you. :P
Oh Hello! I thought I would check out some stories of yours after the review you left me, and this story caught my interest :)
Okay, so I thought this chapter was really good; it definitely sparked my interest and got me eager to know more. You didn’t overwhelm me with information about the Slytherins and Godric, as might have been tempting, but eased me in more slowly while still managing to keep me engaged. I really want to know what the bad news is now, though! Got a bad feeling about what’s coming next :P
I love your character portrayals so far, especially Ingvar! He shares a lot of traits associated with Slytherin house, like shrewdness and resourcefulness, so it’s quite clear he’s his father. I think the idea that Salazar’s father was Godric’s mentor is really original, and gives more depth to their relationship, because they’ve known each other for even longer than canon has suggested. I’m curious about when he was being mentored- will we see more of Godric’s early years? Why did he have to leave? What does Ingvar do for a living, and why is he mentioned to always be on the move?
I think you don’t need to worry too much about the historical accuracy of not having books- people didn’t even have surnames until the late 1000s so... ¯_(ツ)_/¯
Anyways, I enjoyed this first chapter, it was a good read. Hope you’ll update soon :)
Author's Response:Hi, thanks for the review! Chapter two is actually waiting to be Validated now, so hopefully it will be very soon.
And that's very true about the name thing.
Hey Kat! I'm here with your request. I remember this story from before - in fact I even see my old review from HPFF has been transferred over here already haha, but since you mentioned in your request that this is being rewritten, I'll give it a read with fresh eyes!
The tone you set right from the beginning is great, with the omniscient narrator telling the reader right from the beginning that this is not a happy story. It also really makes the reader feel like this is a Story, you know, as opposed to the stories where they just jump right in, this beginning piece kind of makes me feel like I'm opening a heavy gilded book cover or something. (That might have made more sense in my head, lol. Regardless, I like the beginning :P )
I really like the interaction between Godric and Ingvar Slytherin in the shop. You've done a wonderful job with their characterization even in this short section, Godric always toeing the line to see how far he can push Ingvar, who is less annoyed than he pretends to be but is too dignified to show any amusement at Godric's nonsense, and puts him in his place. I would love to read more about these two, particularly as you mentioned Ingvar was a mentor of sorts to Godric? and that has to have been so interesting. And probably very amusing when Godric was quite young and Ingvar had absolutely no patience with him, I can see it :P Anyway, I like this friendship/mentorship as a way to explain how Godric and Salazar first became friends (even though at this point, they're not yet)
It's interesting that you have this small prologue sort of thing from Salazar's perspective in which nothing is particularly noteworthy - but I guess that's the point of it, right? XD I mean, the end of that section where he says nothing would ever change kind of indicates that it's all about to change, and then (assuming around the same timeframe, possibly later that day) Godric comes into the house with news about something. Given my familiarity with Founders Era I have a pretty good guess as to what Godric is worried about, but I like that you don't say, you just leave the mystery pending to keep the reader wanting to read on.
The only thing that strikes me as kind of weird about the transition between the two sections is only that I'm not sure what POV to expect as the story goes on. The fact that you specifically made this narrator omniscient with knowledge of how the story eventually pans out in the beginning kind of suggests that the story will be told from a lot of different points of view. But, the majority of this chapter, and all of the action of the chapter is from Godric's POV, and at the end of the story it kind of feels like that's where the story will stay, and almost makes the Salazar section feel a bit out of place? And I think that feeling is only because the Salazar section is really short whereas the one from Godric's POV is twice as much and far more detailed. I do like what you have here, I just can't tell what to expect from the storytelling side of it quite yet, if that makes sense. And I suppose I might just be getting ahead of myself, because the answer to this will be clear by the next chapter. But, idk, I think it might benefit from the narrator popping in at the end again? Maybe, if you plan to introduce the other founders in the next chapter, give a hint about that at the end of this chapter?
Some typos/small fixes:
instead of a more plane looking sword -- should say plain
In anger, embarrassment, or more likely a mix of. -- this I think is maybe missing the word "both" at the end
It was almost nightfall Godric and Ingvar finally came in -- This one is missing a word, maybe 'it was almost nightfall when Godric...'
her face brook out in a grin -- broke, not brook
Regarding the other things you mentioned in your request - I had absolutely no problem differentiating the characters. You've done very well giving a distinct voice to each of them so far, so no worries there, just keep doing what you're doing because it works :) It's true that I don't feel as if I know Amara very well yet, and I know very little about Salazar, but given that it is only the first chapter and most of the chapter focused on Ingvar and Godric anyway, that's to be expected. Of the characters you focused on, you did a great job with them.
I think this is a great introductory chapter and am glad to see this story appearing on the archive again! Keep up the great work :)
Author's Response:Hey, Stella!
I was hoping to try for that. Glad to see I pullled off the start without it being too forced.
Yeah, I had a lot of fun with that scene. I really enjoyed the interaction and it's always nice to have a chance to write witty back and forth. I may write a oneshot one day back when Godric was younger and living with Ingvar. Probably not now, but someday.
Yeah, it won't just stay in Godric's POV. It'll shift around for different characters. I've edited the beginning section to stay in Salazar's POV after the inital introduction. I also fixed the typos, so thanks for pointing them out.
Thanks for coming by and giving such a great review!
Transfered Offsite by Request of the Author.
Originally left on 04/01/2015.
Well, this is so interesting. I really like how you
are creating the detailed backstories for these
characters. They certainly deserve some exploration
and development and you are making a great job of it.
It is well written, with a mature readable style.
I just noticed one or two things;‘Gryffindor from Wild Moore’, should that be moor?
‘After a hard a hard two week's ride’, I think this
is a typo or paste error. You probably need to take
one of those ‘a hards’ out.‘So he kept waking’. I Think that should be
‘walking’The only possible historical discrepancy I noticed,
and obviously it is a slightly different world, but
would there be a bookshop at this period?A feeling of ‘ad nauseam’ seems a bit odd, as that is
normally a quote, when I think you mean that he feels
nauseous.Looking forward to the next chapter!
Author's Response:
Oh, thanks! I missed those, and that wasn't the right word I meant to use at all! I got the meaning swapped with something else...really surprised no one else noticed that...
Also, I noticed you like Sirius stories, and I have a few. Feel free to check them out while I'm working on Chapter Three. :)
Transfered Offsite by Request of the Author.
Originally left on 04/05/2015.
Hi! Sorry this took me a few days, the forums didn't tell me you had replied to my thread!
I absolutely love the way you started this! I really love when narrators talk to the reader, I think it's a really great technique for drawing in the audience. It also makes it a little reminiscent of a fairy tale, and I don't think you can ever go wrong with that.
I did enjoy the language you used throughout, it fits very well with the era and helps set the tone of the story. However, there are some places it feels a bit forced. I think this comes from the use of too many commas and ellipses, and putting similarly structured sentences too close together. For example, you have several paragraphs very similar to this.
<i>Although...it could be his sword that caught their attention, he mused. It always did attract unwanted eyes, even with it's relatively plain design. Inhabitants of a small town such as Florin could probably hardly afford daggers for protection, so many just weren't used to someone carrying such a big weapon around, he supposed.</i>
""He mused,"" and ""He supposed,"" are very similar, and make the sentence structure very similar, which makes it a bit boring to read. There's a few where you've added parts to the beginning in a similar fashion. I would try to keep track of that, and mix it up a little more. I also think that a lot of your sentences work perfectly well (if not better) without the phrases tacked onto the beginning or end.
I'm not sure what your editing process looks like, so forgive me if this is something you already do, but reading things out loud (especially to another person! or an inanimate object. whatever.) really helps to catch those sort of awkward sentences.
As for characterization, I feel like we haven't gotten much just yet. The characters just don't seem to jump off the page, which is definitely part of what makes them believable. I am a big believer in using a lot of detail to help create characters and atmosphere. You've done well with the atmosphere, but you could do a bit more with the characters. For example, when Salazar is startled in the tree, we certainly get the impression that he was immersed in the books, but even adding a sentence like ""he was ripped from the world he had escaped to by his mother's voice..."" would get that across better, and it gives us a better idea of Salazar's character. When we meet Amara, we sort of get a sense of her from her description, but we could get even more from her body language, what her clothes looked like (was she covered in flour because she was baking? or dirt from working in a field? etc.)
When I first start writing characters, I try to remember that just about every action they take can help to characterize them better. Obviously some are more important and more obvious than others, but it's the details that really drive it home.
I think your plot has been set up very well. I'm really interested to see why Godric has come back and why he needs to talk to Ingvar. I'm also anxious for more back story! You've done a really splendid job of exposing just enough to keep the reader interested, so very good work there!
I'm also super interested to see how Salazar and Godric become such good friends. I haven't read a lot of founders era, but I don't think I've ever heard of one with such a large age difference between them. Very unique.
Overall, I think you've done a very good job starting us out. :)
Author's Response:
Thank you, the second chapter puts more detail on characters, I think. I feel like the first chapter is more of an introduction. There's definitely going to be more fleshing out, especially with Godric and Salazar. That's coming in chapter three.
Amara and Ingvar, of course, won't be around the entire story, so I won't have as much time to expand on them, but I'm trying. They'll also probably going to be expanded upon more via second hand information, not from them but from Godric and Salazar and a few others in passing. That way I can attempt to avoid information dumps, which cluttered things. I find it much more effective to give information out slowly, little by little.
I didn't notice the awkward sentence structure, so thanks for letting me know. I've probably edited both of the chapters as a whole at least thirty times by now. And no, that is in no way an exaggeration...my OCD just tends to show most when it comes to writing. Which, for once, is a good thing...besides the time it eats up, of course.
I do use a lot of commas and eclipses, a little habit I can't seem to shake off.And yes, it always bugs me for some reason when they put all the Founders with so close age wise. I don't know, it just seems too coincidental.
We already know they all came from different corners of the British Isles, so it would be hard to believe them being childhood friends like many paint them as. Of course, it also seems unlikely that they just met up at a tavern because they've all heard of how skilled the others were and decided to build a school.
I feel like there has to be some larger chain of events, something darker and more by situational bonding, something has to have happened to all of them to make their bond as strong as it was before the conflict, as we were led to believe. I think it would be like dominos, one thing leading to the next and the next along a string of events until everything falls into place.
Well, I've rambled. Probably didn't need to know all that but writing it gave me some new ideas as well. Thanks for the feedback. :)
Transfered Offsite by Request of the Author.
Originally left on 04/06/2015.
Review tag!
I love your introduction here! It sounds exactly like a prologue at the beginning of a novel, or a fairy tale. Another thing I love is how you directly foreshadow things, such as promising that this won't be a happy story.
I love your characterization of Salazar Slytherin here. I have to admit before I start rambling that I haven't read very many Founders-era fics, but generally the ones I've seen feature the same Salazar: cold, cunning, and very ambitious (which is the way I picture him in my head as well). Your characterization is very different, and I love it. Your characterization of Godric is another thing I like. I love his attitude and his thoughts. His multiple thoughts about being lost and asking for directions made me laugh.
I thought it was very interesting how you related Salazar and Godric to each other. I've never thought about Godric having a mentor before, and obviously I've never thought that that mentor would be Salazar Slytherin's father. I love how you've added in that age difference, as before I just thought that all four founders were the same age.
This man Marcus makes me curious. From the way you've described him I feel like he's a man with a lot of power, either magically or as someone who wields a lot of influence. From the argument/standoff he had with Ingvar I feel like he's going to return, and I look forward to it.
I love the relationship between Ingvar and Godric. Obviously this is before the rift between Godric and Salazar, and before the establishment of Hogwarts, so things are going to go downhill, but it's nice to see a happy, jovial relationship between a Gryffindor and a Slytherin, before the deep-set rivalry in Harry's time.
I love how you ended the chapter. That last paragraph really makes me want to read on and find out what bad news Godric is bringing, and find out just how bad these dark times are. And what exactly is going on the next night? This way an excellent way to end an excellent chapter! I know you said it started slowly, but I think the relationships needed to be established (which you did very well)! I will definitely come back to this.
~Olivia
Author's Response:
Thanks, I feel bad that my review for the game was so short now! XD
Thanks for all of that, it really made my day! I'm writing the third chapter now, was going to start earlier but life decided to demolish my spring break plans.
Just a tip, try to remember that warning at the start and don't hate me later on. I promise, everything I have planned is for the benefit of plot.
Yeah, I started their characters out by basic personality types from Myers Briggs 16 Personalities. Godric is an ENTP, Salazar an INTJ, Rowena is an INFJ and Helga a ENFJ. They fit the values and known traits, so I started from there and fleshed them out.
I have to say, I didn't think of the mentor idea myself until I wrote it. I just feel the way most people connect the Founders to each other has a lot of gaps and problems, so I just want to fix that and break down all the stereotypes. They're really fascinating characters to work with...if extremely stubborn when they don't like how I'm writing them.
Anyway, thanks again, I'll try to meet everyone's expectations. ;)
Transfered Offsite by Request of the Author.
Originally left on 04/07/2015.
Hi,
I won't get into Middle English words here - I assume you either rewrite the story with them, or leave them out completely as a readability choice.
Like others have said before, I love the beginning as well. It totally draws me into the story and has this lovely fairytale-esque feel about it. Very good job on that. It's good to take a description from the books and include it in a fanfic, to make sure it keeps the same tone of voice (as long as it's not so much you're entering plagiarism territory), and you are doing this perfectly here. I won't deny that especially the mention of it not being a happy story intrigued me..
Great job as well on your description of the weather of the town, the children playing and Salazar. I could picture this scene very well in my head, and that's not often the case with fanfiction for me. It's a total delight when a writer does succeed in it though.
While the description of Amara was good and vivid, it's a bit strange for Salazar to tell the reader about his mother's name in such a way; it seems like he's talking about a friend or even a girl he has a crush on. Maybe you did that on purpose to underline Salazar's unhealthy relationship with his mother; in that case, just ignore my comment. I don't think there were any secular/fiction books in that time period, or that non-scholars and non-monks - children, even! - could read, but then again, Salazar is a wizard. Nonetheless it would have been good if you explained this a little, why Salazar was different from the other children because he could read. It still needs to be believable though. The Founders were brilliant, geniuses of their age alright, but they need to remain, above all, human. Also, I wonder if wizards in that time period produced books in other ways than Muggles did, seeing as book printing wasn't invented yet and books that were completely hand-written must have been way too precious for a child to handle, especially this casually.
I love how you described Godric as this vagabond. It suits his personality so well. However, I would like to have read a bit more about where he came from. I know that you probably wanted to create some mystery surrounding Godric, but a few sentences could have sufficed for now to hint at his background without revealing all too much.
I don't think maps were considered 'simple' at the time Godric lived in. Like books, they were probably precious, rare and only a few could read and interpret them. Maybe it's different for wizards but again I would have liked to have seen an explanation. I would also have liked to read a bit more description of Godric's view of Florin besides the chimneys. I don't think they were already called chimneys at that time, but I could be wrong. Also, since Godric seemed to have visited the city before, you could have made him think about that briefly, address the emotions and feelings of nostalgia that Godric gets when reaching the city.
I like how you made Godric wonder about his old mentor and made him make the connection with Salazar here. By making Godric comment about Salazar's strange name, it already evokes a curiosity in the reader for what's behind it - could it be jealousy or is Godric the judgemental type? I also like how you made Godric describe himself as 'standing out like a troll'. That was very vivid, and in line with how I pictured him.
One thing however: in my imagination, Godric's sword was a very unique thing, and very precious (I don't think it was plain, since it was made of silver and engraved with rubies and Gryffindor's name, and Ragnuk cared enough about it to want it back). Though it is maybe true to your version of Godric's character to be somewhat careless and reckless even with his most prized possessions, carrying such a thing loosely if he isn't going to war or slaying dragons or something does detract a bit from the weapon's mystique status. Everyone could steal it, if they would want to! Most people, Muggles and wizards alike, would probably have been not only frightened or weary upon seeing it, but also awestruck and greedy. You could have elaborated on the sword some more: about the history with Ragnuk, it's special qualities and the reason why Godric carries it around so carelessly.
I simply love Godric's inner dialogue about this Corial character, although again, I don't think maps were that normal and interchangeable yet.
Like others mentioned before, if I'm not mistaken the book trade came later, so a bookshop probably isn't too realistic - again, an explanation here is warranted. I really like how you introduced Ingvar and Marcus by the discussion that Godric overhears. It created a lot of suspense. However, in the sentence ""<i>he leaned nonchalantly back on the counter...</i>" I'm not sure who it is, I guess Ingvar, but you could have specified that to avoid confusion.
Again, if I'm not mistaken the clock wasn't commonplace in Europe in the tenth century so 'the seconds ticked by' probably isn't something that Godric would have thought.
I do think this story lacked a bit of magic; despite the short mentioning of Godric's wand, there isn't much mentioning of magical creatures, early versions of spells, magical artifacts and all such things. I think it would greatly benefit the story if you included them some more. My own opinion is the more magic you include the better a Harry Potter fanfiction gets, unless it's a Muggle AU.
I love how you described the relationship between Godric and Ingvar in such a short space. We already get to know a lot about their personalities that way. You give all your characters an unique voice, which is very good. To me, all of them are believable and seem to be true to their book characters here, even though we know so little about them. That's what fanfiction is for, fleshing out the plotlines that we only knew very vague snippets of, and I applaud you for choosing such an extremely difficult era to write a story in.
Author's Response:
Thanks, and trust me, a lot is going to be explained, but to explain some things for people:
-The sword he has now is not the same as 'his' sword that we know, he'll get that later.
-I figured the book thing out, but slightly late to change it. Let's just say I read much more fantasy than I should, and if all those authors take creative libraries in their published work to put books and book shops in during this time...sorry, I'm going to pull the same card.
-There shall be an explanation for the map.
-Florin isn't as important, so better not to muddle things up with more details than needed, or it could get boring if they're not used to the correct effect, which I don't want to end up doing.
I don't think it will let me type much more. Thanks for the review, and for everything else you'll have to wait and see!
Transfered Offsite by Request of the Author.
Originally left on 04/18/2015.
Hey there!
Let me apologize for how long it's taken me to get to reviewing your story. And boy, am I angry with myself for not having got to it sooner because that was one incredibly intriguing and amazing chapter! I adore Founder's stories. I think they're underrated and there aren't very many good ones out there. From what I've read so far, I don't think yours falls into that category at all! I really liked the way you stared the story off with that bit of prologue. It caught my attention right away. So many times have authors used lines from the Sorting Hat within Founder's stories, but rarely do they ever tie into the characters so soon!
Getting to see a younger Slytherin was interesting, I think. I never thought of him as the bookish type but I can definitely see it. I think the interaction between Slytherin and his mother was a bit... awkward. Maybe he's just a very silent fellow but it didn't seem like a mother-son talk. But maybe that was the point haha! But what I'm trying to say is that I <i>do</i> like Salazar's character! I think he's very intriguing and even though he hasn't done much yet, you can tell that he's observant! I can totally feel that there's a lot that he will be able to do.
The mentor-mentee relationship between Ingvar and Godric was amazing. I loved the way they interacted with one another! I think it's so unique of you to introduce Godric into Salazar's life by giving him a basis for a relationship with Salazar's father first. I can't say it's something I've ever seen before and I'm very intrigued by it! I love character relationships and I think you've done such a good job with building Ingvar and Godric's! I'm really looking forward to reading more about them!
I enjoyed this first chapter a lot. I see a lot of potential for it and you've set it up very nicely. I can tell that this is the calm before the story and I am looking forward to watching it unfold. Great work!
Cheers,
Marissa
Author's Response:
Thank you, I feel so bad that I'm getting all this feedback, yet it's taking me ages to finish chapter three. I recently just started rewriting the entire thing, but I swear if I have to force myself with every fiber of my being to get it done, I'm not dropping off this story!
That said, I'm really happy you liked the first chapter, and it's mostly Salazar's character...he's a bit quite in the beginning. Gets a little more outspoken after Godric gets a hold of him.. I'm going to enjoy writing that. XD
Transfered Offsite by Request of the Author.
Originally left on 04/21/2015.
Hey there! Penny (Penelope Inkwell) here for our review swap, :D
So, you've got a nice beginning here. You mention in your chapter preview that you feel it's a bit slow, but that things take a sharp turn towards exciting ends in the next chapter. That's probably a good thing to tell readers ahead of time, given that it's listed as an Action/Adventure fic, so that they know the action is coming. However, I must say that while it wasn't full of action, I didn't find the chapter at all boring. It seemed like good set up. If you're worried about it, or if you notice a more-than-usual fall off of readers between chapters 1 and 2, you could always have a brief prologue with a more direct hint at the trouble to come, but I think this chapter is quite well-written as is.
I love the way you begin, breaking the fourth wall! It sounds very much like a story-teller, which fits a fic like this--set in a long-ago time--wonderfully. I particularly like how you had the four founders' homes listed in a way that rhymed. It set up that old story, oral tradition feel, and also made it feel a bit magical, like a spell.
I don't know how old Salazar will be throughout the story, but I think casting him as a boy to begin was a nice choice. He seems shy and bookish, which makes him a sympathetic character, even if he does (to our knowledge) grow a bit villainous later. We didn't learn much about him, but that just makes him more mysterious and, thusly, makes me more curious.
Godric sounds very much as I would imagine him--the embodiment of a Gryffindor. A bit impatient, likes a joke, plenty of swagger in his step, a giant among men, and a warrior. You've obviously got an interesting setup, if Salazar Slytherin's father is somehow his mentor!
Your writing is just really solid. You add plenty of description, so that I can see the scene clearly. You let us into the character's heads enough that I get a sense of them. Your first two paragraphs, in particular, really brought that magical sense of storytelling in, and I loved it.
Also, I think you've made good language choices. The characters speak formally enough to give the sense that the story's a bit old, but it's not full of thees and thous and difficult spellings that make it hard to follow, like some Founder's Fics I've run across.
CC: I noticed 2 small things. In the first paragraph, you describe the warm ""afternoon air"", but then in the next sentence you inform us that it is evening. That's just a little detail that caught me as I was trying to picture the scene.
The other thing I noticed was at the beginning of Godric's section. It says, <i> He imagined that he likely seemed all the world as lost as he truly was,</i>. I think the sentence is missing a ""to"", as in ""He imagined that he likely seemed <i>to</i> all the world as lost as he truly was.""
I enjoyed this chapter, You have a really nice writing style, and it certainly made me curious about where this story is going: what Salazar and Godric's initial relationship will be like, what this problem is that's on the horizon, and when we'll meet the other founders. You've done very nice work here--it's a good chapter and a promising idea.Thanks for the swap!
--Penny
Author's Response:
Thank you for the review, and for pointing out those errors! They drive me nuts! I'm so happy that this is going so well, and kinda sad I'm keeping people waiting. I really love reviews like this. Thank you so much for taking the time to give such awesome feedback! :D
Transfered Offsite by Request of the Author.
Originally left on 05/01/2015.
Here for the swap! :)
First of all, I must say that you have a great potential as a writer. Your writing style is unique and your descriptions are pretty well too. I hope you keep practicing and you can definitely get a lot better!
This is the first Founders fic I am reading since like forever. I have read a few one shots but this is probably the first multi chaptered fic. Well, I'm not familiar at all what the old England was like so I don't relate to Founders era all that much, but your story is pretty understandable and easier to understand for me than the other few fics.
This definitely wasn't the Salazar Slytherin we all imagine and I would like to congratulate you for that. You're breaking stereotypes here and I think you should continue doing that. :D
Great story overall!
Ashwini
Author's Response:
Happy to see what I went for worked, getting rid of the stereotypes was one reason I started this, and you should definitely read more of these. I find this era fascinating.
Thank you for the review. :)
Transfered Offsite by Request of the Author.
Originally left on 05/06/2015.
Hey! It’s Lizzie here for our review swap!!
I’m gonna start out by saying that one of the reasons I jumped on this instead of your more recently updated stories is because I LOVE Founders fics, and there are so few of them out there! So I’m really excited to see what you’ve got!
I really LOVE that you’ve established a level of interaction between the narrator and the reader. You could argue that you were ""breaking the third wall” as they say. It can be really difficult to do something like that without it seeming too awkward or too out of place, but you’ve done it just flawlessly, and I applaud that!
The way you’ve written both Salazar and Godric are SO true to what I’d expect them to be, and yet so different from the little boxes people tend to put them in. It’s quite funny to see how the traits that represent each of the houses are embodied in the founders themselves. You’ve done a really good job of characterizing them and presenting two of the founders in such a way that you can see what they’ll become, but without any of bias one might place so early on.
Salazar is a sweet young boy, not an evil slimy villain. Godric is confident, yet cocky and is clearly flawed. Maybe he’s not the hero we think he is. Both of these things sort of break away from the images I think pretty much everyone has formed of what the founders would be like because of the people in their houses in the series. It’s nice to see that you’ve made it much more complex than that!
It also makes me want to read more!
I do hope you’ll be writing and publishing more of this, because as a first chapter, this is a WONDERFUL start and I see lots of potential here!! Easily one of my favorite beginnings to a Founders fic I’ve seen yet!
Keep writing!!
Oh, and if you ever need someone to lend a hand going over stuff before you publish (you said you will be doing extensive editing!) I’d be more than willing to help out if you’d like! *winks*
LL
Author's Response:
It's actually breaking the fourth wall, not the third, but I got the message. XD
One of the reasons I wrote this actually was because how much I couldn't stand the normal stereotypes. Either Godric was a courageous Knight or a total blockhead, Helga is weak and a pushover, Rowena is vain, and Salazar is completely evil. It just doesn't add up. That's why I decided to explore these four myself.And I'd actually really like that, I might PM you in a bit about it. In the meantime, I'm going to continue to try and strangle chapter three into listening.
Transfered Offsite by Request of the Author.
Originally left on 05/06/2015.
Hey! AditiDraco95 from the forums here for the review swap (which we decided on yesterday). Sorry for the delay!
This was most certainly a very interesting chapter. I love your plot - uncovering the history of the Founders is indeed very interesting and so far I'm liking the way you're going about this.
Your characterisation of little Salazar was awesome - I did not expect him to be buried in a book but I still liked this version of him so I'm excited to see his personality unfold further. I also like your characterisation of Godric so far, I wonder what age difference Salazar and Godric have here or whether they're the same age. The idea that Salazar's father was Godric's mentor is a unique one and I'm curious to see how this scenario plays out further.
You ended the chapter on an intriguing note - what news does Godric have to deliver? I am definitely left wanting to read more and I will as soon as I get some time! This is going in my reading list =)
Your descriptions and narrative style was very engaging and made for a good read. It has that old-worldly charm in it and I can visualise the scenes. Your writing is indeed very precise and just brilliant. I am liking the story so far and I think you've a great first chapter here to set up the scene. Good job!
Hope to be back again for the next chapter soon and looking forward to your review on my story =)
Cheers,
AditiDraco95
Author's Response:
Hey, thanks for reading. I actually mentioned their ages, it was during Godric's musings. Godric is twenty-five and Salazar is almost fifteen
I've always loved the fantasy genre, and how many writers incorporate this trick, which is how I got that idea. I'm pretty proud of how it turned out, and it's very interesting to write!
I'll be looking forward to it, see you soon! XD
Transfered Offsite by Request of the Author.
Originally left on 05/09/2015.
Hey! Here for our swap :)
So I rarely...okay, <i>never</i> read Founders fics, but I'm really glad that I picked this one!
Now, normally, I would say the whole fairy tale like thing, but I think that it really works well for a Founders era fic and you pull it off really well. It never interrupts the story and the little bits where you pull back and address the reader as the narrator make me feel like I'm reading an adventure/fairy tale.
As for the characters themselves, I love them. We only got a brief glimpse of Salazar, but I can totally see him growing up into the kind of person who would hide a giant monster in a school for children and then peace out before telling any of the others about it. His mother's comment about him being like his father ""back when"" definitely makes me interested in what his dad is like and if it's anything like the Salazar the books talk about.
Godric is absolutely spot on. He is so much like the Gryffindor House we know and live. He's impulsive and out spoken and definitely brave if what he thinks Ingvar is like is true. He seems like the type of guy who would buy a round for the whole bar one minute and then pick a fight the next. He's so much like yoru typical action hero, it's fantastic! You've done a fantastic job with him!
I'm so glad that I got to read this story! Thanks again for doing the swap, I can't wait to read your review!
-Claire
Author's Response:
Thanks Claire! I'm so happy you enjoyed it, which makes me feel even worse about chapter three taking so long!
Although, I wonder why you say that about Salazar, as no one else has said so until now, and I'm curious. It seems everyone is seeing different things in that short clip from his character. It's actually really interesting how that's turning out.
I agree about Godric in some traits, but he won't be nearly as predictable as you may think. Just let that sink in and wonder what I mean by that. As I'm the one writing, there are quite a few things I can say you're yet to see.
Anyway, ominous note aside, thanks for the review!
Transfered Offsite by Request of the Author.
Originally left on 05/11/2015.
Heya! I'm here for our review swap! Exciting times! :D
I really love the beginning of this, it really sets up the chapter and the beginning of the story and it's great at hooking me in. :D
I really love seeing the snippets of the founders, and how they were. I absolutely adore finding out the pieces of information you effortlessly placed in. Such as Salazar loving to read in a tree, how he's like his father. How Godric can't seem to follow a map and how Salazard father was his old mentor. ( I especially loved that part)
I absolutely loved Godric and Ingvar's greeting to each other, it's evident how well they know each other, that they can read looks so well.
I'm so intrigued by what Godric is there for, and I can't wait to see how Salazar and Godric reuniting will go?
I'm so glad that you agreed to this review swap, this is such a jem of a story! You wrote this chapter beautifully and it was such a joy to read! I am definitely going to have to carry on reading this story! :D
Author's Response:
Thanks for reading! I'm happy to see that you enjoyed this, and I'm determined to finish, so you'll have more. I have far too much planned to drop this one!
Transfered Offsite by Request of the Author.
Originally left on 05/11/2015.
hey there, I'm here for our swap!
oh founders era, how mysterious. I will admit I don't actually think I've ever read much founders before purely because history doesn't interest me that much, not even the history of hogwarts (I'm so bad, I know) however I will say this opening chapter is very intriguing and sets up what I'm sure will be a great story.
in particular, I like how you open with the narrator -- almost like a play. use of that narrative style isn't something I've ever found in other fanfiction but it is oddly appropriate her. I feel as if for a more historic story, a more historic 'storytelling' narrative is required. and you work it really well; having a third person omniscient narrator allows you to uncover all these exciting tidbits and foreshadow the things to come, effectively drawing the readers in.
I really love your characterisation of salazar. like I said, I haven't read any other interpretations but I'm still presuming this is quite unusual. it draws a sense of empathy from me too which is great because I love moral ambiguity -- should we love him, should we hate him? who knows!
Overall I really enjoyed this first chapter. I think your wielding of the story thus far is incredible and that you'll continue to uncover amazing things as you go. I can't wait to see it develop!
Thanks for the swap!
- Jess, xo
Author's Response:
Thanks, did I review your second chapter yet? If not I'll check and will tonight! Thanks for the review, and can't wait to see what you think of chapter two!
Transfered Offsite by Request of the Author.
Originally left on 05/12/2015.
Hi, I'm here for our review swap.
I am going to save all the stories submitted for my challenge until August, so I scrolled down to find something else to read. The Founders are rarely touched upon, like you mentioned in your author's note, so I was interested to see what you do with them.
Seeing young Salazar was great. Taking the time to develop the characters prior to the founding of Hogwarts really allows the reader to get to know your version of them. Having young Salazar be attentive, studious, and a bit of a loner was a very unique choice. Seeing him as a regular young boy rather than as the corrupt older man he became will allow you to have a lot of growth for him in the future. The one thing I'd comment on is that books would be extremely valuable and relatively rare at this time, since we are quite a ways away from the development of the printing press. (Unless, of course, you intended his family to be very wealthy in which case the obsession with books would fit better historically.)
Godric Gryffindor going on an adventure fits in very well with the traits associated with his house (brave, daring, etc). His difficulty finding places and his frustrations with sub-par maps makes perfect sense for this time period and shows his impatience well. The fact that you tied him to the Slytherin family through his old mentor was brilliant. If the majority of the witches and wizards of this time were taught at home or mentored by another, it would obviously be harder for them to hear of each other (short of massive feats) so this helps tie the two male founders together nicely.
One comment I would make is that, from the sounds of things, Salazar was older than the other founders. (Based on his statue and the appearance descriptions JKR gave.) I can accept if that is changed for creative licence though.
I'm interested to see how far you take this.
Author's Response:
A lot of people have already pointed out that book thing...problem is it's already there, so kinda hard to undo. Yeah, creative liberties. I'm just saying I've seen it in published stories, so I'm going t us that excuse here! XD
Yeah, fleshing them out is what I'm aiming for. I've always been curious as to what they were like before they were technically founders, so...I decided to write it. :)
Yeah, don't get too caught up in the way they represent their houses. Keep in mind I'm trying to add more depth to them. They might surprise you with something unexpected. They're already becoming quite adapt at that with me.
Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and take creative license with that too. XD
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