FanficTalk Archive
Unleash Your Fandom
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Hi, Kat!
I loved this second chapter! The pace of the story starts to pick up in this one, and I was fun to be pulled along with it.
I definitely know where Godric is coming from. Not at all fun to have to ask a question that you pretty much already know you're not going to like the answer to. Even without reading ahead, I was beginning to suspect that the question Godric had come to ask had something to do with the muggles. There's a tension to the entire story so far. I can feel that there's a larger conflict brewing below the surface that's ready to boil over. You're doing a good job of creating that feel.
I like the "coming of age" aspect of Godric's character and his story line. He's not old, but he's no longer the young boy who was Ingvar's pupil. In some ways, he seems to yearn for those simpler times. You can feel his mission weighing on him, so much so that he keeps putting off the inevitable.
Putting it off until Ingvar finally grows impatient and forces the issue. I like the way you used the scrap of parchment to maintain the mystery for just a bit longer. It was a clever way to advance the plot without giving away everything in one shot. Has Godric come to recruit Ingvar for a campaign against the muggles? Is he pitching an early version of the Statute of Secrecy? Is he brining a warning of some sort? We don't know, at least not yet. Whatever it is, you can tell that there was a time in his life when Ingvar would have been ready to sign up. But that time is passed. Godric even tries to use Ingvar's own words against him, but to no avail. It's a poignant scene.
And we don't have to wait very long to find out what's changed about Ingvar's life. It makes perfect sense. He has something more to live for now. He's a family man. He needs to exercise caution, lest he put the ones he loves in jeopardy. I mean, even more jeopardy than he already puts them in by antagonizing the local muggle tax collector. Oh, and before I forget, the part where he walks home in the dark created some nice suspense. I was more than halfway expecting him to get attacked on the walk home.
Ingvar's wife is so casual about the way her son speaks to snakes. It makes me suspect that Ingvar might have the same gift. Of course, Salazar isn't quite careful enough about how he uses that gift. I can't imagine anything good coming from the dark figure in the bushes who overheard his chat with the snake.
Oh, my. It seems that somebody hostile has come to call on the Slytherins. I suspect either the tax collector, the person who overheard Salazar speaking parseltongue, or perhaps an alliance of the two. Regardless bad news for the Slytherin family. It seems that Godric departed after Salazar's birthday, as planned. Perhaps he's still somewhere nearby to save the day. We can only hope.
Excellent second chapter. You avoided the doldrums that hit many authors after their grand introduction. And nice use of a cliff-hanger, as well. Now you know I need to come back and find out what happens to Ingvar and his family.
-Dan
Author's Response:Hi, Dan! Thanks for the lovely review, and for the swap!
I'm glad you caught that about Godric so far because it's definitly a thing I want to explore. Especially considering details I cannot yet disclose. And yeah, Ingvar isn't always the most patient.
I'm glad you liked the second chapter and I'm looking foward to swapping with you again soon!
Hi Kat! I’m back for chapter two of our review swap.
Well, I have even more questions about what is going on after reading this chapter. You have maintained the suspense nicely, but allowing us to see a conversation between Slytherin Sr. and Gryffindor that gives a taste of what is going on, but leaves out most of the specifics. I really want to know what Gryffindor wants Slytherin Sr. to do and what happened in the past that makes Slytherin Sr. not want to do it. I also like how you wrote the relationship between Slytherin Sr. and Gryffindor. It seems that they are fond of each other, even if their relationship is a bit complicated. I particularly liked “When he was younger, that same man had always seemed so invincible…Just like everyone else.” This was nicely put.
I liked the scene you wrote with Slytherin Sr. enjoying the evening and relaxing a bit. It was a good opportunity for you to explore his interior monologue. I also like how you showed us his softer side as well.
I found this phrase a bit awkward: “Even allowing his emotions to show there was no one else to see them.” Maybe there is a typo here?
I loved that you showed us Slytherin Jr. speaking in parsaltongue. It looks like it will get him into trouble too.
Oh, and it does.
Well, I have even more questions after reading this chapter than I did after reading the first one. Keep up the nice work!
Yours,
Noelle
Author's Response:Thanks for the swap, Noelle. :)
I don't think there's a typo there. Would you be able to tell me what part of it is confusing?
Hi Kat! I’m here for the first chapter for our review swap.
I really like the concept of this novel. I think exploring the stories of the founders of Hogwarts is a great idea. You set the scene where we meet Salazar Slytherin nicely. I like the description of the setting and that he is reading in a tree. I also liked the interaction he has with his mother—he seems like he will be an interesting character.
It seems in the first chapter you are already setting up the rivalry between Gryffindor and Slytherin. Those are the first two characters we meet and it seems that Gryffindor and Slytherin Sr. have an ambiguous relationship. I am very interested in what it is that Gryffindor has to tell Slytherin Sr. that he is not going to like. I am also wondering about the tension between Slytherin Sr. and Marcus.
I found the sentence “Its two bedrooms were hardly large enough….nailed into the sides of the doorways.” a bit awkward. I had to read it a few times before it completely made sense.
I like how you reinforce the mysterious reason that Gryffindor has visited the Slytherins. I’m looking forward to finding out what it is.
You’ve done a nice job in this chapter delineating your characters and setting the scene.
I saw in your A.N. about you flipping Gryffindor’s and Slytherin’s ages and I am interested to see what you do with that. It’s a nice twist. I also saw the note about the books and the timeframe of the story. I am a bit of a medievalist and I want to reassure you that there were books (or codexes) as far back as the 2nd century. They were, however, completely handmade—hand written on parchment and hand sewn into a binding. I think it makes sense that Slytherin would have a lot of these books, I just want to encourage you to make a bigger deal of them. When Slytherin Jr. gets angry because he dropped his book out of a tree when his mother startles him—that could even be a bigger deal. Imagine if you’d just dropped something that cost thousands of dollars out of a tree! I also think you could explore a bit why Slytherin has all these books. Does he have money? Did he use magic? Did he steal them? Just a thought because I’m a medieval geek. Heading to the next chapter now!
Yours,
Noelle
Author's Response:Hey, Noelle! I'll take a look at that sentence and see if I can adjust it in an edit. I'm glad that the hooks worked to catch attention like I'd intentioned. For the book thing, it's more about there not being many and it being casual. I may come up with reasoning for it later that they had something.
Thank you for the review!
Hi Kat!
Here for our swap :) I'm loving the use of imagery, you're able to paint such a vivid picture and I almost feel like I'm in their world. Well done! I've never really read Founder's era stuff before but this is really interesting. Also I'm really jealous of the adeptness with which you wield your words, I tend to go on and on to try to get my point across, but you manage to do so with such swiftness it's really refreshing!
I love the thought you put into every sentence. I'm so interested to know more about how and why Salazar's dad was Godrics mentor. Will you be going into even more detail about that? I also like how you portray them as more of friends than most of us particularly thought. Personally, I thought they were portrayed more as rivals who admired each other. I can't wait to read more
Author's Response:Thank you so much! Trust me. There's been a lot of work behind getting it polished. It doesn't start like that, so don't be jelous. Just gotta work on stuff and get advice. You should see my earliest fic. Thankfully it's been erased from the web.
I will be touching more on all those things, yes! I originally hadn't even intended on doing that, but the relationship has been pretty fun to write so far. I'm also thinking on a potental oneshot on the subject, though I'm still not sure on the deatils about what all it would entail.
That's the cool thing about the era. we know a little, but most is a mystery. There's some stuff that was clerified on Pottermore, but I've dismissed a lot of it considering JK went back on her canon material in a few instances in ways that made me a bit irritated. :P
Thank you for the swap!
Hi, Kat! I'm hear for our swap.
My first thought is how this is a very different characterization of Salazar Slytherin from most other stories I've read. He's usually written as coming from a wealthy, aristocratic background. Refined, lettered, haughty and arrogant. Your version is more of a common man, albeit still reserved and possibly somewhat aloof. At the same time, you put a new fun little cracks in his stony fascade. The grins he shares with his mother and the way he submits to her gentle prodding made him very human. Not exactly approachable, but understandable.
Godric does seem more in line with the way he's commonly written. There's something about his character, the way he carries himself and the fact that he has the financial resources to make the journey. He's come to seek out Ingvar Slytherin with a purpose in mind. You alude to dark influences at work, which suggests that Godric's goals are weightier than just visiting an old friend.
Ingvar is probably the most interesting character in this chapter. He appears to be much more than just a simple shopkeeper, living in an unremarkable village. I'm inferring that he was a teacher or mentor of some sort to Godric. He also seems unconcerned about making enemies, at least of the muggle variety. Very intriguing. I have this strange idea of Godric coming to recruit him for a Fellowship-of-the-Ring type quest to save the world. It seems very likely that young Salazar will be coming along for the ride. At least I hope so.
Your writing was lovely. It flowed nicely and I liked your choice of wording. Those words paired well with the gritty, rustic scene you were setting.
Nicely done! Looking forward to chapter 2!
-Dan
Author's Response:Hi, Dan!
Yeah, I'm really hoping to swich up some expectations with a few traits. I'm hoping they'll be a few more suprises people will have that will be different from the expectations going in.
I'll be on your story soon. Thanks for the swap!
The conversation between Ingvar and Godric was intriguing. You never said directly what Godric's concerns were and what Ingvar wanted to avoid. I suspecting the issue, but you kept it mysterious enough that I wasn't really sure until the end of the chapter (at least 95% sure since you still have talked about it directly.)
I understand where Ingvar was coming from. Unfortunately, the evil of ignorance has just visited his family regardless of his attempts to protect him. I also see the beginning of Salazar's hatred of muggles and I predict that in the next chapter that loathing will be cemented.
Great moment between mother and son. I could really see the protective love he had for his mother and soon-to-be sibling. Also, love the introduction to parseltongue. Since it is typically hereditary, is Ingvar also a parselmouth?
Great cliffhanger for the ending. I look forward to the next chapter.
Author's Response:Thanks for dropping by!
The full answer should be 100% confirmed by the end of the next chapter or the start of the one after. Haven't decided yet. Depends on what's the best cliffhanger moment to end with. Everything else should be covered in the future as well.
Thanks for the review!
*unholy pterodactyl screeching*
How you gonna do this to me in the second chapter?!! And leave me with such a cliff-hanger? I gotta know what happens next!
Author's Response:XD
Cliffhangers are how you kee people reading, no?
Loving the set-up! I'm a sucker for positive, close student-mentor relationships, and this delivers nicely.
Also scared for where this is headed, so thanks! ;w;
Author's Response:And thank you for the review. :)
Hi, Kat!
I'm finally here with the second review for your request. And once again, I'm so, so, so sorry for making you wait so long...
No! No! I knew this was coming when you mentioned the shadow disappearing after Salazar spoke Parseltongue, but still... I was not prepared... I'm not prepared... why are people so cruel? I'm kind of afraid to discover how this will end, but I have a feeling only Salazar will get out of this alive, and I don't like it at all. Has Godric left already? Or is he going to come to the rescue? I'll find out when you'll post the next chapter, I imagine.
Looks like my guesses from my previous review were more or less accurate. Magical folks are being persecuted, and that's the reason Godric came back, to ask for Ingvar's help. But Ingvar didn't want to endanger his family... ah, the irony... :( I loved how you wrote the relationship between Godric and Ingvar, btw. So, if I understood correctly, Godric was basically adopted by the Slytherins? That's kind of a funny thought, if you think about the rivalry between the future Hogwarts houses... but I love the way you are building things in this story. Also, I loved your descriptions and Godric's thoughts in the opening scene, where he's admiring the cottage. It was almost as if he'd stepped back in time, like he was seven again and looking around as if stepping foot into a grand castle. I loved this sentence so much! It's almost foreshadowing of what Hogwarts will be, and I love it! Also, I'm wondering... did Ingvar save Godric? And what from exactly? I'm so curious about Godric's childhood and how exactly his bond with the Slytherins formed.
Anyway, this was an incredibly good chapter, so deeply emotional and with such good writing. And now I'm really curious to see what's going to come, so great job at building suspance. And feel free to stop by my review thread again when you have more!
Lots of love, my dear!
Chiara
Author's Response:Hey, Chiara!
It's fine. Sorry for the late reply.
Maybe he will be the only one, but maybe not. Hm. Glad people are catching that about Godric. All will be explained soon.
Thanks for the review! I'll be sure to stop by again.
I didn't even think about the books thing? :/ Instead, I had been wondering about the age difference between Godric and Salazar... for some reason it felt a bit odd... but after all, why not? It's a fascinating take anyway. :)
(Btw, I'm the worst... didn't even say hello... Hi, Kat! Here for your request! Only a month later... as I said, I'm the worst...)
This first chapter was really good. Your descriptions are so good, as always, and you have such a good pacing as well. Great story-telling, it could be a published book, you know?
I'm loving your take on the characters, too. I think it was very clever of you to introduce Salazar as a young boy. I'm obviously biased, but I don't have much sympathy for his character... but seeing him here, at this stage in his life, makes me like him a bit more. I also loved the relationship you introduced between him and his mother, it seems so very sweet. I wonder what Amara thinks about when she drifts off a bit? She's a very likeable character, too.
The idea of Salazar's father having been Godric's mentor is very original and so cool. And I guess it sets the basis nicely for the friendship between the two founders, even if I still have no idea when and how they'll get there. I think you captured Godric's character perfectly, especially the "poking snakes" bit... that's just so Gryffindor-ish? :P
Talking about Ingvar... the fight Godric stepped into was so intense, so well written (just like everything else). Why was Marcus threatening him? My theory, and I might be completely off here, is that the Slytherins are suspected of witchcraft? And maybe that's also what has brought Godric back? Muggles are starting to get more wary of magic, and to persecute wizards? Just ideas, maybe there's something else going on, but this is all I can think about at the moment.
Anyway, I'm very curious about the reasons that made Godric seek his old mentor's help, and of course I'm looking forward to discovering what you have in store for these characters and this story.
I will come back soon!
Love,
Chiara
Author's Response:Hey, Chiara! Good to see you!
Yeah. I've noticed not many other founders fics have that wide an age gap. I like the dynamic it brings, and I'm glad you do, too.
You'll learn everything else fairly soon.
Thanks for stopping by!
Hi! I’m back with your second requested review!
I’m still curious what the exact favour was that Godric was asking - it didn’t really get clarified much here, except for the fact that it would’ve required Ingvar to put his family at risk, which he, understandably, didn’t want to do. I do feel bad that Godric didn’t get what he was looking for - it’s hard to not be disappointed, even if you have been expecting that rejection. As a note about differentiating characters, I think that, while Ingvar and Salazar both seem to have more defined personalities through the events of this chapter, Godric doesn’t have as much development at this point? It’s kind of understandable because we haven’t gotten as many self-reflective scenes from him yet, but he just doesn’t seem to match the other two’s depth at this point.
The scene with Salazar and his mother is really interesting. We see Salazar’s softer side, and also his Parseltongue abilities! I like that he got justification from the snake for biting his mother, and his comment about “they’re venomous, not poisonous” shows that he’s genuinely interested in snakes beyond just talking to them. And then the figure in the words is most definitely something - if I had to guess, it’s a person who saw Salazar do magic, which is going to lead to trouble soon enough.
… And by soon enough, I mean by the end of this chapter, apparently. (I review as I read if you can’t tell, haha.) I’ve got a feeling this attack - or whatever it is - is at least somewhat related to the figure in the woods. Especially because their wands were snapped, which feels like it was a very targeted attack on the fact that they’re magical. I wonder where Godric was in all of this though - had he just left or is he still there somewhere?
-Taylor
Written for the Magical Menagerie event and January RvG
Author's Response:Hey, Taylor.
Hm. I guess you'll see soon. Godric will have more development and I think there'll be some insight in the next chapter and the chapter after as well.
Thanks for coming by!
Hey Kat! Here with your requested review (sorry about the wait), for the magical menagerie, and for January rvg!
Interesting start to this so far and it’s definitely a unique piece of writing, which I think is really cool! There are definitely not a lot of Founders fics, and I think this take will be really cool. I like the style you’ve got going here for it-it seems kind of old time-y but it’s still easy to read and follow along with!
In terms of the characters, I think they’re separated pretty well now. I didn’t have too much trouble separating Gryffindor from Slytherin and I think as the story goes on, it will become even more clear! I’m definitely interested in seeing what has happened before this, what the whole story Gryffindor needs to share with the Slytherin family. He’s definitely got some of those signature traits we recognize and I loved that scene where he had to duck because he knew what he said was going to make Ingvar throw a book at his head.
I think it will be interesting to see Salazar play more of a role as the story goes on. He seemed to be a pretty minor role in this chapter but obviously we know he’s a pretty major player. Good start here!
-Sarah
Author's Response:Hi, Sarah. I'm glad that you liked it, and thanks for sharing your thoughts. I hope to see you again later! :)
Hey there. Here for your requested review :)
The narration was the first thing that stood out to me, and that thought was with me all throughout the chapter. I think your writing style is beautiful and a bit poetic, I guess, because it sucked me right into the narrative.
Then another aspect is the theme in itself. I have never read a story focusing on the Founders before, and so I'm eager to find out how you'll explore it.
Poor Salazar, thinking that things won't change. I'm almost positive they will lol and I'm assuming the look on Amara's face is a bit of foreshadowing about what's to come.
I'm also a little bit curious about how you'll deal with their age difference, how the girls will fit into the narrative, and the way you'll explore wandlore in this story. I'm guessing in ways it'll be a somewhat rudimental art, but it's a subject that fascinates me, so I want to now more about Salazar's father mentoring Godric and what more they will all learn in their journey.
Can't wait to continue the story, and to find out how all four of the Founders will come/have come to know each other, and how they'll get to the point of coming up with Hogwarts and all that it entails.
Great job, you've got me hooked!
Author's Response:Hi! Good to see you!Thanks for dropping by!
Hello again Kat, here for two of two reviews (and more Menagerie fun, whoopie!) :)
First -- apologies for typos in my last review and any that may pop up here (oops) Okay so this got dark real fast. Like, REAL FAST. But not right away, so thanks for not dropping that on me, lol. I quite like the relationship you've illustrated more strongly here between Godric & Ingvar. The mentor-mentee dynamic is still there, but Ingvar now recognizes Godric as a young man in his own right, so there's a new level of respect involved. That conversation though -- such a painful thing to discuss, yet not completely openly because they can't for fear of being overheard. You've done a great job in the middle scene where Ingvar is alone with his thoughts walking home from the shop late in the evening -- the description works without being too elaborate for what is simply a man deep in his thoughts on his way home. And then we come to discover that his wife is pregnant with their second child, and he becomes even more conflicted now because he wants to help his fellow witches and wizards, but he doesn't want to risk his family and his unborn child. AND THEN SALAZAR SPEAKS TO A SNAKE OMG!! But then it gets DARK and SAD. KAT WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS.
*Ahem* Anyway, please get the next chapter posted soon because now I am invested in the Slytherin family's well-being. And also, where is Godric during this attack??? I have lots of questions.
~MadiMalfoy x
Author's Response:Hey again, Madi!!!
No problem. I'd be a hypocrite for judging typeos. I've had more than a few of my own in reviews, I'm sure. I'd be doomed without spellcheck.
Dark and sad is my specialty. I'm pretty sure you've read a few other stories of mine that has plenty of that. Are you truely suprised? ;P
The next chapter should come within a week or two. I have two tests and a paper coming up so that plus a lot of school readings have pushed it back. It's proving a rather long chapter, and I'm almost done but still need to also get it betaed and edited before putting the chapter up. I hope to see you there, and thanks for coming by again!
Hey Kat, here for one of two reviews (which also counts for the Menagerie yay!)! :)
Okay so I will say that I do believe this is the first Founders fic I've read (at least in the last two years -- my memory before then as far as fic reading goes is definitely very spotty) so congrats to you on that! Secondly, your main concerns were that this is a much revised version of the original, and that you wanted to make sure the characters were easily distinguishable from each other. On that note, my thoughts!
I think you've done a great job so far of illustrating the basic backgrounds for Salazar Slytherin and Godric Gryffindor. Salazar is clearly still a youth -- spending his time outdoors with his nose in a book when he's not helping his mother with chores. I also like how you've written his mother so far. She's a soft character, with clear love for her son. And then you move right into Godric's perspective -- the only thing that could be slightly confusing here is that the timeframe is not clear right away, so until you introduce Invar Slytherin and then see the teenaged Salazar at the end, it's a bit up in the air. But I think the way it's written does actually make sense, I just am sometimes bad at time (and math :P ). The foreshadowing here is excellent also -- the tiny mentions of the early days of witch hunts & accusations of sorcery are done with a good lightness of touch. But also the dark times that Godric is in town for is also intruiging and definitely hooked me!
The only suggestion I may have is to possibly give Salazar a bit more to do in the inital scene to give him more personality? The bookish teenager is great but I'd love to see a bit more depth with him -- please feel free to disregard this if he gets darker/more developed as the story goes on and he ages. Overall, great job with this opening chapter! Onto the next one! :)
~MadiMalfoy x
Author's Response:Hi, Madi!
Yeah. Pretty much everything is in chronological order, but I can see how it could be confusing. I'm not sure how I would fix that without outright saying "At the same time, elsewhere in the area" which feels a bit strange. :P
Salazar will definitly get more developed soon. Chapter three and four will give some good insights, I think. These first two really focus on Ingvar and Godric, but Sal will certainly get more in the spotlight soon.
Thank you for the review!
Hi Kat! I’m here with your requested review. :)
I honestly don’t think I’ve ever read a Founders fic before, so this will definitely be an interesting read. We obviously know some things about them, and some of their characterisation is determined by the Houses that they lend their names to, but much of it is a blank slate. I do like the start of this story - it sounds a bit like the start of a fairytale with the whole ’omniscient narrator’ thing, which feels fitting for a story that happened so many years ago.
Okay, so diving into the things you specifically mentioned wanting looked at - I think, thus far, it’s pretty easy to differentiate the characters. Salazar and Godric are very different at the moment, so keeping them separate is easy enough.
Haha, intentionally taunting Slytherin just to get a rise out of him and then having to duck when something’s thrown at his head is such a classic stupid Gryffindor move. Godric’s certainly a good reflection of his house, that’s for sure. (As a Gryffindor myself, I feel authorised to call us all a little recklessly idiotic at times, lol.)
I do like that you’ve established an air of mystery in this first chapter as well, with Godric sitting on some sort of news that he has to break to Ishvar (that’s apparently not good news, based on his nerves). I’m curious what information he’s holding onto, and how the older Slytherin’s going to react to it.
About the whole ‘not having books’ thing - because I will admit, it was one of the first things I noticed when reading, and then saw that you’d addressed it in your author’s note as well - perhaps you can address the inconsistency in the story somehow? I could certainly believe that wizards had somehow invented books before Muggles did, because they’ve got spells for duplicating things and wouldn’t necessarily need a printing press as a result. Obviously this is just a suggestion and you’re free to ignore it, but including a note along those lines somewhere in the story that justifies the inconsistency could lend to making the story feel more accurate for the time period?
All in all, I thought this was a really interesting first chapter, with just the right amount of intrigue for what’s to come.
-Taylor
Written for the Magical Menagerie event and January RvG
Author's Response:Hi, Taylor! Thanks for the review!
Transfered Offsite by Request of the Author.
Originally left on 4-01-2015
Another interesting chapter laying some good groundwork for what is to come. Good imagery and description. I particularly like the scene with the snake. A few typos again;
‘per say’. Should be ‘per se’,
‘tonesoundeing hollo’ this typo needs sorting out.
‘emergin.’ I think this should be emerging.
Author's Response:
Thanks again, even with the countless times I've edited this, I swear every time I fix something a new issue pops up in its place...very irritating. I fixed it, the edits just need validation.
Transfered Offsite by Request of the Author.
Originally left on 4-09-2015
Enjoyable to read . I was happy to see you continue with the second chapter and cannot wait for the rest. I like the creativity in your development of the characters. Hope to be reading third chapter soon.
Author's Response:
Thanks! I'm glad you liked it. :)
Transfered Offsite by Request of the Author.
Originally left on 4-10-2015
Okay, back again!
I don't have a ton to add to my last review, unfortunately (or fortunately? Depends on how you look at it.).
I did notice a HUGE difference in the characterization. Salazar definitely came to life for me here, and it was beautiful to see. I love how you've made him rather kind and compassionate instead of just cold and aloof. It makes him much more human, and obviously he couldn't be completely evil if the founders started a school with him. It's nice to see the softer side.
That said, I'm really excited to see his development into the Slytherin we're more familiar with. I think we're getting to the root of his prejudice against Muggles, but I'm really looking forward to seeing the cunning, ambition and resourcefulness he wanted in his students.
I think Godric is still falling a bit flat, but you haven't spent nearly as much time focusing on him, so that makes sense. I also think that once we really know his motives, what he wants from Ingvar and who he's working for, it will really bring him to life. That said, I sort of like the mystery.
Once again, I think the plot is fantastic. I am so excited to read what comes next, and to figure out how it all fits together. It's a very captivating story.
I did notice a few typos, mostly near the beginning, but nothing too major.
I'm excited to read the rest! I'm sorry this review is so short!:/
Author's Response:
Thank you, working on chaper three now. Hit a little snag during an action scene, which when doubled with homework ate up a big chunk of time. Don't worry, the mystery will be solved fully next chapter or the one after. Depends on legth and where it feels most natural to leave off at. But it's coming, as well as Godric's characterization. Trust me, there's going to be plenty of time for that...ominous sounding, isn't it?
Transfered Offsite by Request of the Author.
Originally left on 4-21-2015
Okay, well obviously I had to come back and read the next chapter of this story. I was promised action, and there was certainly some action here at the end of this. Yikes!
Your voice continues to be well-developed. I love the atmosphere you draw--when the scene is peaceful, I feel the peace. I can visualize it fully. When the scene is frightening or tense, I feel the fear and the tension. That's quite well done.
I loved that you included the Slytherin locket! What a fun touch. It's one of the fun things in these fics, when there's a sort of shout out to things we know. They're even more enjoyable in stories that are set this far in the past, when there are fewer familiar elements for us to expect. It always comes as a nice surprise.
Oh my gosh, this cliffhanger! Is Amara going to be okay? I mean, she's pregnant. I hope the baby survives this rough treatment. I hope they all survive! How horrible that, as worried as Ingvar was, all his fears should come to pass so soon. And even worse, if anything happens to his family, Salazar will probably blame himself! But it's not his fault--he was only using parseltongue to try to protect his mother. Poor baby!
I'm really curious to learn more about Salazar--I am a Slytherin after all. I suppose if something happens to his family at the hands of Muggles, his future purist stance wouldn't be surprising. Not at all justified, of course, but not surprising.
Where is Godric in all this? I can only hope he comes riding in to save the day. Yikes yikes yikes. This is a very precarious ending place and I am nervous.
Also, is Godric a Muggleborn? Is that why Ingvar took him in?
CC: There were a few little things here and there, not what I consider real mistakes, like plot issues or anything. Just little snags:
<i>He'd forgotten how peaceful the spicy scent of the herbs Amera collected every morning were, wafting through the air as they hung down from the low ceiling rafters by the hearth, and of the bright flowers she sat out in the rickety table on the far side of the main room, sat just the right position to be highlighted by the sunrays streaming through the window right above. </i>
--I love the picture you're painting - it's so charming and really sets the scene. It gives us a beautifully clear sense of what Godric has missed about this place, and why it feels like home (which, of course, makes it all the more upsetting when the peace is broken). However, the sentence runs on a bit. I think it would be stronger with a break, maybe between describing the herbs and describing the flowers.
--Also, Amara's name is spell Amera here
--It should probably be ""how peaceful the spicy <i>scents</i> of the herbs were,"" or ""how peaceful the spicy scent of the herbs <i>was</i>.""
<i>"but when you quite you lose a lot more. </i>
--I think ""quite"" probably ought to be ""quit"".
<i>There are others out there, Ingvar, other children. Shouldn't that have a chance too?""</i>
--<i>"Shouldn't that have a chance too""</i> might ought to be ""Shouldn't <i>they</i> have a chance too?""
<i>"She had eggs, with you were coming too close to.""</i>
--Maybe, ""She had eggs, <i>which</i> you were coming to close to,"" or, ""She had eggs, and you were coming too close to them.""
I'm glad I came back to read this second chapter. I'd definitely be interested in checking out more of the story in the future. Thanks for the swap!
--Penny
Author's Response:
Thanks for the review, and for pointing out those pesky errors! I'm halfway done with chapter three now, so you're just going to have to hang tight a bit longer.
Transfered Offsite by Request of the Author.
Originally left on 5-03-2015
Hello! I'm here for our review swap!
I love your description. The beginning of the chapter, especially, was gorgeous. I could vividly picture in my mind Ingvar's cottage, and I want to live there now. It sounds so welcoming.
This Marcus seems like a Founders-era version of Voldemort, except not as competent. I'm interested to see how this will play out. If he's described as a power-hungry fool he shouldn't be as bad as Voldemort, but the whole business about having a name so scary anyone who hears it goes and hides makes me feel that either he's overhyped or he's smarter than he seems.
I'm really curious about what the news Godric had to bear, and why exactly he came back. Who do they need to fight, and what's already upon them? Please post another chapter!
That incident with the snake (and the deer) is very suspicious. I can accept that the snake isn't venomous, which is fine. But the deer... if it doesn't look like a normal deer, it's probably not one. Werewolves in their wolf form don't look like normal wolves, so I'm not sure what this deer-thing is. I'm pretty sure an Animagus would look like a deer. (And were-deer sounds stupid.)
Oh no. That ending. No. WHY? If those are Muggles who did this then I can sort of see why Salazar became anti-Muggle later in life (with a new wand, presumably). And while we know he survives, there's no guarantees about Ingvar or Amaris. Please, don't kill them.
I found a typo:
<i>There comes a time where we all lose something or someone, but when you quite you lose a lot more. You were the one who told me that...but maybe you've forgotten</i> - but when you quit
This was an amazing chapter! I really want to know what happens next! This is a really good cliffhanger; please don't keep me waiting (I beg, on my knees!)
~Olivia
P.S. I'm sorry if I ask for Chapter 3 too much. I just <i>really</i> want it.
Author's Response:
Thank you, and I'll be sure to fix that typeo. Although, it's Amara and it actually explained that the rustling was a man, that's why Salazar blamed himself. He knew someone saw him talk to the snake.
Also, I see Marcus more like Malfoy senior, though not quite as calculating and much more open about his manipulating and bullying of others. I just realized that I made their names close too...I just now noticed that. I can't promise anything about who does or doesn't die...sorry, trying to wrestle chapter three into corporating as we speak. Stubborn little thing.
Transfered Offsite by Request of the Author.
Originally left on 5-11-2015
Guess who's back? Back again. Tammi's back (with a very overused Eminem lyric) guess who's back, guess who's back - and we're going to end that right there. :P
Oh god! for a minute I read that as two decades later and I was thinking ""Godric! You silly sausage! It obviously wasn't that urgent was it?"" But it was my tired eyes that misread :P
But I want to know what it is! :P I'm so impatient. JUST TELL HIM ALREADY GODRIC! SO I CAN KNOW TOO! :P
These are some great descriptions, it really helps me imagine it all so vividly because of your beautiful words.
I really love Ingvar! He's brilliant! He could totally take this tax man on! And win!
I just want to hug Ingvar! (I seriously love him so much!)
It's the tax man!! I hope he hasn't overheard anything that can get Ingvar in trouble!
Oh no! Who's attacking them? NO! INGVAR IS HURT!! ;( Oh no! Godric needs to come in and save the day!
Wow, yet another wonderful challenge! I can't wait for more! I am favouriting this story! It is by far my favourite Founders fic! :D
Author's Response:
Wow, this is awesome! I'm not sure how our old snake would react to a random person running up to hug him, but feel free to try! XD
I'm having trouble with chapter three, but no matter how long it takes it will go up, I''ll make sure of it!
Transfered Offsite by Request of the Author.
Originally left on 5-14-2015
I really like reading Ingvar's and Godric's relationship here. It's really natural and it feels like they've known each other for a long time, which they have. Great job at capturing that and making the bond between them feel very strong. I also like how you've characterized Ingvar here and how he likes to spend time in the dark because it masks his emotions. I think we can all relate to that in some ways. It also shows a little Salazaar - how perhaps the boy grew from being the son of a man who was balanced to the person we know him as.
Nice pacing with the action too. It is all to childlike for Salazaar to not think first about using magic before he does it. It's only after that he realizes the danger he may cause. Danger we see first hand at the end when the family was attacked. I feel like this event is going to shape Salazaar into who will be.
The choppiness was much better this chapter. The description and narrative flowed really well. The only thing I was left wondering about was where Godric had gotten to. I am guessing he has left, but I don't think you mentioned it (unless I missed that). It made the end seem a little disjointed because I was looking for him and couldn't figure out why he wasn't there. You did mention he was staying for the birthday party though...
Good work with this chapter though. I like how the action and tension keep building. It definitely shows that this story will be interesting with lots of twists and turns.
Author's Response:
Thanks for the review and feedback, I edited the last chapter for that, by the way. About maybe 400-500 words were added after that???
And I love writing for those two, kinda sad they won't be together the entire story. It's fun to do their banter. Then again, Salazar is his son, so there's likely going to be plenty of snark from him. Ingvar is a fun character to write, and he's my first OC since the first story I wrote, which was horrible. I'm surprised I did him this well, honestly.
And it will certainly play a part, a big part, but there will be OTHER parts. Don't worry, you'll see.
Oh, Godric is there. I'll tell you that much, but no more than that. I can't give away all my plans.
Transfered Offsite by Request of the Author.
Originally left on 5-21-2015
I enjoyed the flow of this chapter and how the events panned out well.
Some areas could do with a little work perhaps (a small expansion) but it isn't a necessity just a luxury perhaps. Overall I really enjoyed this chapter and loved that it ended in a way I would not have expected.
Author's Response:
Hey, thanks for the swap! Would you mind PMing me exactly what you feel needs to be expanded on?
Transfered Offsite by Request of the Author.
Originally left on 5-21-2015
Hey there!
I'm here for our review swap. I'm sorry I'm a bit late, but better late than never I suppose.
I really liked this chapter. The idea that muffles are hunting witches and wizards seems to be realistic and is something we've even witnessed in real life history. It also makes sense that Godric would come back for Ingvar since he seems like a particularly powerful wizard.
Ingvar's reluctance to fight seems well warranted. With a new baby on the way, a wife, and a son, I could understand why he wouldn't want to risk putting them in danger, although judging by the ending it seems that danger is going to find him regardless.
I knew the rustling in the forest was going to be something ominous. I was worried that some sort of retribution was coming and I was sad to see that I was right. I'm not sure what's going to happen to Salazar's family yet, but I have a feeling it's going to be very ugly. It makes me wonder if this incident here is what causes Salazar to hate muggle sand muggleborn so much later in life.
All in all, I think this is a very strong start to your story. The characterization is solid. The plot is believable. And most importantly it's left me with a lot of questions about what's to come.
The only critique I have is that there's no third chapter for me to go read right away, but I'll be back when there is to see what happens. Good work!
~Kaitlin
Author's Response:
Thanks! Yeah, I've gotten half of chapter three done, and I know what I want to do, the problem is putting it out. It doesn't feel right, and I have a nagging suspicion that the characters are trying to tell me something there.
It's very annoying...
And yeah, it's actually not the time of the famous witch hunts, but I find it very hard to believe that it wouldn't happen before then. People still think the Harry Potter books promote witchcraft today, there's no way they'd handle actual magic even half as well as some still handle the books during such a superstitious time period. It just wouldn't happen. Heck, it might still happen today, we all know some real life Dursleys in our lives. It's just impossible not to expect that.
And maybe, definitely seems the start, I'd say...but it might not be the only thing. A big one, yes. The only? Well...we'll see.
I'm really happy to see that you enjoyed this, and I'm going to try and bribe my muse into cooperation. :)
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