Name: Oregonian (Signed) · Date: 12 May 2019 12:48 PM · For: Chapter 1

Hi, Amortentia,

 

This story has a lot of positive elements.  The Forest  of Dean in autumn is described in just a few sentences separated into two little sections so that it is not just one big block of description, but these few sentences create a pretty complete impression.  

 

The justified break-up with Ron again is only a few sentences, but it makes Hermione's little trip into the autumn woods reasonable and understandable, especially when one remembers that she can Apparate home in the blink of an eye whenever she wants to.

 

The arrival of Antonin Dolohov was a surprise.  Of course I expected that he would want to harm Hermione, so again it was a surprise when, after a few teasing remarks about carving her up like a Hallowe'en pumpkin, he turns out to be less than murderous and more sympathetic, or should we say that he observes her feelings without taking them into consideration, because, after all, he has kidnapped Hermione for his own possesive purposes.

 

The story ends suddenly, without the readers knowing if she will escape or not, so it feels unfinished, but we are certainly left with a cliffhanger.  Kudos for your several plot twists and for your use of the Russian phrases of endearment, which when translated further show Dolohov's unexpected affection for Hermione.

 

Thank you for writing!

 

Vicki

Name: MadiMalfoy (Signed) · Date: 14 Jan 2019 09:51 PM · For: Chapter 1

Heya! I'm finally here with your entry review for the Prefect's Fall Writing Challenge, and I profusely apologize for the lateness!

 

Right off the bat you've got a beautiful description of the fall leaves and colors we all seem to enjoy, but then it gets sad as we open up on a visibly upset Hermione who recently split from Ron. It's sad that she'll be missing out on what seems to be a pretty lengendary party every year just because she refuses to interact with Ron after catching him cheating on her. Her decision to clear her head in the Forest of Dean though is great -- it harkens back to her childhood camping adventures with her parents, and also the search for the Horcruxes too. And then when she's finally ready for some peace and quiet and time to herself, she gets captured by none other than the fugitive Death Eater Antonin Dolohov! I liked the Russian dialogue bits in there too -- his name is very Russian sounding so it ties in nicely there. Hermione kicking herself for not being more on her guard so soon after the war and then strategizing the best way to escape was well done. Overall, there were just a few awkard bits of phrasing throughout but otherwise you did a good job with this in terms of the challenge requirements and taking a creative twist on things as well. :) 

~MadiMalfoy x

Author's Response:

Thank You for the review. I completly understand it taking awhile with so many for you to handle for the challenge. I will look back and try and find the awkard phrasing and consider editing.