Name: sibilant (Signed) · Date: 14 Jul 2019 03:56 AM · For: Chapter 2: Gesture

Hey Jenn! Continuing on with reviewing entries for the #Squad challenge :)

 

I really enjoyed learning more about the characters in this second chapter. I found your depiction of Peter's grief to be especially interesting; he seemed to get over Anabelle extremely quickly, which surprised me? But I guess that's one benefit of having a group of people around you that are there to support you.

 

My favorite momets were all the moments with Peter and Claire. I really love their friendship, the light-hearted teasing--and I wonder if Claire can fill some kind of gap for Peter now that Anabelle is gone, perhaps as a daughter-like figure? I'd love to explore the particular intricacies of that dynamic more.

 

I think a lot of my comments from the previous chapter still stand--especially with the characterization. As we get deeper into the story. I wonder more and mother about the characters' motivations and their goals--because that's what'll ultimately drive the story, right? And I'd love to see more of that rather than be told that.

 

But aside from that, this was a great chapter, and a great entry as a whole! For a first foray into original fiction, this is really impressive. Thank you for entering my challenge! <3

Name: sibilant (Signed) · Date: 14 Jul 2019 03:50 AM · For: Chapter One: Maymester

Hey Jenn! I am finally (very belatedly) reviewing entries for the #Squad challenge! (I'm forever_dreaming; I just recently changed my username).

 

I was really excited to see that this was original fiction; I admire your bravery in sharing original fiction! I really liked the premise of this fic. As a nerd and a perpetual student myself, academic settings hit very close to home for me, and I feel like there's a lot to explore in terms of the different dynamics that exist in these settings. I loved the interactions between the students and Peter, and I especially loved Peter's relationship with Kenzie.

 

I did find it sometimes hard to follow what was happening in the scenes; it was a little hard for me to tell who was speaking, but more importantly, I found it hard to identify why people were speaking when they were, and how the various scenes were connected. The scenes, in isolation, definitely hint are really interesting relationships and characters, but I felt like the scenes cut too fast, and I didn't get to digest enough about the characters. And in terms of the characters themselves--they seem fascinating! I'd love to learn more about their relationships and understand how each character plays in the larger group. I think one part of an effective "squad"/ensemble ast is that each member brings something to the larger dynamic. I felt like this chapter focused a lot on individual interpersonal relationships rather than the fabric of the squad as a whole.

 

But as a whole, it was a really intriguing start to the story, and I'm especially interested in exploring some of the emotional depth you introduced with Peter's grief.

Name: victoria_anne (Signed) · Date: 14 Aug 2018 07:16 PM · For: Chapter One: Maymester

Hello! I'm here from the forums with your requested review!

 

This is a bittersweet story that I liked reading. Peter is an easy character to sympathise with, having lost his wife into his old age, and is just trying to get by. I like that he has many people, like Kenzie, all looking out for him. I like his interactions with his students, too. He's cheeky, but also has a no-nonsense attitude.

 

I think this was a great attempt at original fiction, especially since I know you've been struggling with it quite a bit. A few things, like who is speaking, is a little unclear at times, and a few more words of character description wouldn't go amiss either. I also think Michael's description needs to come earlier, when we first meet him, because he appeared out of the blue and I was confused until I reached his description. But apart from that, I really enjoyed this! Thanks for sharing, I know how scary it is! You should be very proud of yourself :)

Name: Rynna Aurelia (Signed) · Date: 11 Aug 2018 09:22 PM · For: Chapter 2: Gesture

'Kay, this is a great continuation of the previous chapter. You clear up a few of the dynamics, which is great, particularly with Kenzie, whom I'm really starting to like. Also, you really start to give the reader a feel for the plot, which is moving along at a nice, lovely, slow pace. It's a great setup for your premise, and leaves a reader eager for more.

However, I do have a few caveats. You're starting to dance the line between showing and telling pretty finely. There are a few great moments you have excellent build-up to, but then instead of letting the characters do their thing, you merely have: and so-and-so said this, or did that. To really bring the emotional investment, don't be afraid to to just give us the dialogue, or describe the actions. You're explaining everyone's motivations and actions in such a way the reader isn't allowed to draw their own conclusions. It's a hard thing for any author to do, but you can't afraid to draw something out, instead of summarizing. You have a great writing style; use it! Embrace it! Don't be afraid to show it off to us all!

All in all, an excellent follow-up. Keep up the good work!

-Lady Ausra

Name: Rynna Aurelia (Signed) · Date: 11 Aug 2018 09:04 PM · For: Chapter One: Maymester

A great opening for your first attempt at original fiction! I loved how you wrote the characters' dynamics between each other, establishing roles, and the setting as well. Great job hinting at the grief Peter's going through with the loss of his wife Annabelle, I'm feeling for him already (Also, nerd chem teacher for the WIN).

But, I would recommend, as great an opener as this is, that you try and establish a bit more of the characters' backstories, or at least focus the tidbits you mention. You drop these tantalizing hints of interesting characters, and I'm all invested in learning more about them and how they relate to our MC here, but then you hope to another bit of the scene, or another character makes their entrance.

It's like entering Candyland, by the end of the scene. There's all these great things around me, but I'm dizzy, and can't quite focus. Also, the plot gets lost, just a bit, in the shuffle.

But overall, it's a great job for your first attempt at original fiction, and I'm looking forward to more!

-Lady Ausra