Name: Oregonian (Signed) · Date: 25 Apr 2019 07:05 AM · For: Six Days

For the Slytherin EvS Review Battle.

 

Hi, ssslytherinnn.  This sweet but complex story certainly deserves a review.

 

I noticed that you have lots of characters who move in and out of the story line, but you are successful in focusing on the three main characters: Lily, Antoni, and Henriette.  A lot of teenage silliness is happening, but you manage to keep a firm hold on the story line.  A lot of introspection is going on, but it is hung within a framework of vivid action and dialogue, none of which is superfluous and all of which propels the story line forward.

 

You focus well on sensory details -- the food, the heat, the water, the dancing -- enough to paint a clear picture, but not so many details that they overwhelm the story (as one sometimes sees).  The tone of the story is strongly emotional, and the swirl of sensory detail mirrors the swirl going on in Henriette's mind.

 

I like your alternation of quiet scenes, such as the long scene in the bathroom, and frenetic scenes.  It modulates the pace and helps the reader keep track of things.  (After reading the story twice, I made a list of the eleven party-goers to help myself keep track of them.)

 

Your actors were well characterized, even the minor ones, by their action and dialogue.  For example, we see Roxanne's personality by her taking charge in cooking breakfast and in not having patience with the idea of skinny-dipping.

 

You write the scenes with great emotional sensitivity, and your placing this story at a time when all the characters have just graduated and are about to go their separate ways in life heightens the bittersweet yet urgent feelings of the three main characters.  I can see why you say that this story has turned into a love child for you.

 

Very nicely done.  Thank you for writing!

 

Vicki

Name: Rumpelstiltskin (Signed) · Date: 13 Sep 2018 03:26 PM · For: Six Days

Hello! I'm here with your entry review to the Prefect's Celebration Challenge! Be sure to get a hold of me on the Forums to let me know where you'd like your bonus review to go!

 

Your descriptions are rather lovely, and I really enjoyed the way the main character showed how they saw Lily through their eyes. It's beautifully done and full of raw emotion. I also love the way you described the way the main character's love for Lily had grown over the years by comparing them to her ever-increasing spread of freckles (that they love so much). Naturally, having another guy share a room with her causes feelings of jealousy. 

 

It must be super frustrating for Henrietta to watch Lily try to make herself look excessively attractive in order to make her ex jealous. I do feel bad for her -- it seems like she hasn't come out to anyone about her sexual preference, either, which can make matters worse. She's all kinds of bottled up between that and her feelings for Lily, who can't see how Henrietta feels. It must be extremely difficult to have to fear losing her best friend if she were to come clean with their feelings. I can imagine that Lily's gentle nudging about asking a boy out is frustrating and disheartening, too. 

 

Also, it's a shame that Antoni's feelings and advancements towards her caused a disruption in their friendship. And, yeah, he IS trying really hard..way too hard. And being brought together on the dance floor must've been a bit awkward for Henrietta, especially when he pulled her closer. It makes sense that she would have to remove herself from the situation. I do love that he was the one she confessed to about being a lesbian. It both let him down easy and was probably quite cathartic for her to get it out in the open.

 

I also love that Henrietta opted to be the first to drop her towel, to save Lily from having to be the first when they were prepared to go skinny-dipping. And the two of them running into the lake together, in the cold, stark naked (with Henry doing her best to avert her eyes) was awesome. I love the exchange of glances at the end, telling the reader that something is coming. And I adored the resolution -- how Lily kisses her out of the blue and explains that she heard Henrietta admit her feelings about her to Antoni. It's a lovely ending.

 

Thanks so much for entering the challenge! 

 

-Rumpels