Name: ReillyJade (Signed) · Date: 21 Feb 2019 07:20 PM · For: The Grief of Elphias Doge

Hi there! I'm stopping by for BvB! :)

 

Oh, this was so haunting. I think you flawlessly captured the complex emotions that result from the sudden loss of a loved one. At the beginning, Elphias was somewhat meandering in a trance, before then coming home and having everything hit him like a ton of bricks. I think we all have, unfortunately, experienced that surrealism when someone close to us dies, and I thought your depiction of that was very strong. 

 

In my experience, grief is such a challenging thing to write, as it manifests differently for everyone. That being said, I think Elphias's made a lot of sense. Given their history (not only their romance, but their lifelong friendship), the wistfulness with which he reflects on their time together seems so painfully realistic. As he flips through the photo album, he experiences both happy and sad moments, but they all have that underlying longing, and a little bit of regret as well. Him slamming the photo album shut at the end was a nice touch. Elphias came across to me as someone who wants to hold his feelings in whenever possible, so I think it made sense for him to try to "shut them away," so to speak, once they started getting a bit too real for his liking.

 

Considering this was such a short story, it still packed a powerful punch. You gave us a complete picture of what Elphias and Albus's relationship was like, with all its ups and downs, and I applaud you for doing that in such few words.

 

Well done!

 

Cheers,

Reilly

 

 

 

 

Name: Margaret (Signed) · Date: 05 Jun 2018 09:50 AM · For: The Grief of Elphias Doge

I really like the sound of this story. Doge is a character we know little about and he seems like an interesting one - he has lived so long for a start.

 

The first two paragraphs where it hasn't really sunk in yet seem very believable. It's an emotion that isn't portrayed all that often in stories and I think it is very likely to be the initial reaction to a death. Even when the person is old, as Albus was and lived a life like Albus where he put himself in a lot of danger, it's still hard to imagine somebody you've known for years is finally gone.

 

I think the part where he suddenly falls down seems a bit of a sudden change from the previous numbness. He goes from being numb to feeling unbearable pain in an instant and while that probably isn't that unlikely, it might help if you showed a bit more of his thoughts as he is walking home, conjuring the fire and feeding Elliot (I'd also like to know what Elliot is - a cat?).

 

That is sad about Elphias not having had a love affair in the previous hundred years. Not that people can't be happily single - plenty are - but I get a sense of loss here, as if he would have liked to have a long-term relationship. It sounds like he has never fully gotten over his relationship with Albus.

 

I love the reference to Albus' self-lothing after his sister's death.

 

I LOVE the line about Albus looking a dignified and wizened leader and Elphias a doddering old sap. You really get a sense of their personalities and the parts they play in the Order.

 

I also really like the couple of lines of dialogue here. And it seems completely in character for Albus to focus on Elphias's successes. I bet he realised Elphias FELT like a "doddering old sap."

 

I really like the way you characterise Elphias and how you show the relationship between Albus and Elphias. I do think there are parts that would benefit from being expanded on, like when he looks at their first picture from Hogwarts. Is it an official year photograph? When was it taken? At the beginning of the year? Towards the end? I sort of feel Elphias would pore over each photo in detail, savouring every recollection. 

Author's Response:

Thanks for the feedback, it is much appreciated!

I struggled with trying to get the sudden shift in response to flow - agonised over it in fact - and it's good to know I was right to be troubled by it. There are a few things I think I could've done differently, which I will now keep in mind. As for Eliot, in my imagining he is a black and white moggie purchased from Mrs Figg.

I should definitely have paid more attention to the details of the photos, because I think you are right to asume he would have tried to soak up as much as possible. When I was conceiving of it, I thought of the first photo as an end-of-year official picture. They'd by then have declared themselves "best friends for life".

Your challenge was really important in getting me kick-started on my writing, so I can't thank you enough!