Name: Renacera (Signed) · Date: 06 Mar 2018 12:18 AM · For: Chapter 1

Hi Jayna!

As promised, I had to come by and review this for you after I validated it earlier today. This is such an important story right now, and I really think you handled the subject well. The ending was absolutely heart-wrenching.

So, down to the specifics:

Your characterization of both the narrator and Zoya was wonderful. The scene where Zoya cries after the birth of their son is so sad and meaningful. The difficulties facing immigrants and those eligible (or not eligible) for DACA are so wide-reaching, and I really don't think most Americans understand them. Your characters were so well-written that readers will easily sympathized and/or empathized with. That's so important. Humanizing immigrants and people "different" from someone is such a big step toward making that person understand that the "us vs. them" mentality is a complete fallacy.

The plot of this is also really great. There are so many problems with the treatment of immigrants in the U.S., and this story really highlighted a lot of them in troubling but important ways. The hate crimes committed against the family in the church were gut-wrenching. I wish there had been more delving into the emotions that the narrator felt when he awoke.

I only have two points of constructive criticism, since this story is already so wonderful.
The first is about the timeline in the story, particularly in relation to the opening scene. Since that scene is in present tense and implies that the family (including Aamir) is in a room together, I at first thought that that scene was the present moment, the rest being memories of their journey. But then by the end, Aamir isn't with them anymore, so the scene at the beginning was obviously the past. But that beginning scene was in present tense and the end of the story is in past tense.
The second piece of CC I have is concerning the narrator having his beard and turban cut off while he sleeps--why wouldn't he wake up through that? (The same applies to Zoya and her hijab.)

Honestly, this story was great. This topic is so important right now and I'm so glad you wrote about it. I hope people read this and consider changing any prejudices they may hold, or else continue to advocate for immigrant rights and protections. Thank you for writing.

Best,
Emily

Author's Response:

I really appreciate you taking the time to leave a review, so thanks for that! <3

I'm glad that you thought they were humanized! That was really one of the main things I wanted to do with this story and to hear that it helps break down that "us vs. them" mentality is honestly so validating. 

As for the church scene, that was something I really wanted to hit home and hit readers in the feels, so I'm glad that you found it gut-wrenching. As for delving into emotions more, if/when I revise this, I think that adding more there is something I would like to do, and the reason why it was kind of glossed over was that there was a word limit for the contest I originally wrote this for, and that was something that didn't make the cut. On the other hand, I do want to keep the story moving and since I don't really know how to address those emotions, it might be stronger just leaving it as it is. Anyway, I don't really know what I want to do if I revise this, but I appreciate the insight none the less. 

Oh yeah, you are totally right the timeline makes no sense. I will definitely go back and change that when I get the chance. Thank you for pointing that out, I don't know how I missed it. 

That's just a fallacy I don't really know how to address. Theoretically they are heavy sleepers? 

This is something that doesn't necessarily hit as close to home as it does for some people (I am indeed a Hindu not a Muslim, which is ironic considering the rivalry), but I agree that this is something that has to seriously addressed right now. I can't believe I live in a country with a proposed Muslim ban, and I really do also hope that people consider changing their prejudices after reading this. If you are looking for a small way to advocate against hate, one thing I would consider is wearing a hijab for world hijab day. I've done it for 2 years now and while it doesn't do much but show acceptance and solidarity, it makes me feel better like I am making a difference. :)

Thank you for reading and also for all you do as a validator. <3

-Jayna