Name: ShazaLupin (Signed) · Date: 01 Apr 2017 04:57 PM · For: 'Train Ride', Seventh Year

Hey there, here for CTF!

 

I already love this and I'm only one chapter in. I'll definitely be coming back to this!

 

I love Amelie, she's such an interesting character and I already want to find out more about her. Just from your descriptions of her, and her language haha.

 

Although nice of them to miss the train, great start to seventh year for them. I like how you made the professor come and get them and give them a porkey, much more reasonable than what Ron and harry did. I can see James wanting to do that though haha. I love the personality that you've given him too. Definitely mischievous, but so charming too, he's definitely had some influence from his mum and her brothers.

Those two are adorable together though, and it's only the first chapter! I dread to see how cute they'll be in upcoming ones, and that kiss! You wrote that so well, defiantly like a first kiss but so cute too. I love the description ‘chocolatey goodness’ as well, definitely speaks of a girl with a crush. I love how well they get on together too, you've set up an interesting premises for what sounds like an eventful seventh year.

It's a great first chapter and I'll definitely be back to check out the rest later

! - Shaza :)

Name: MuggleMaybe (Signed) · Date: 01 Apr 2017 04:20 PM · For: 'Train Ride', Seventh Year

I am here for Hufflepuff for Round 1 of Capture the Flag, but more importantly I ALREADY SHIP THEM.

 

Things I like about this story:

 

I'm interested in Amelie. There are so many cannon characters in the Next Gen era, that it's easy to pick a Wealsy and run with them. I appreciate that you've pushed yourself to write an original character instead. Especially if this was your first foray into fic! The very opening paragraph where you describe what she wears is well done, because it is telling that she isn't wearing her unform, that she likes the Weird Sisters (an old band by this time), and also that she's alone and (apparently) has missed the train on multiple occassions. Already you have me wanting to know more abou this person and her life. 

 

James here is a nice balance between the self-assured version of him I usually see, and a more sensitve version of him that I see less often. How sweet of him to help her find her cat, for example. 

 

I think my very favorite thing in this chapter is how you describe her reactions to him physically. She's noticing him in a new way and feeling weird about that. it's very sweet, and her thoughts about it were believable to me. I definitely found it believab;e that she wasn't sure what to mae of her first kiss. It was also funny and clever to have their kiss compared to a different couple making out. hehe

 

Some ideas for revision

 

Now, i realize this was your first fic and maybe you don't intend to revise it. However, I do this it's very promising, so if you ever did decide to revise, here are some of my thoughts.

 

The biggest thing I noticed was that when you're writing Amelie's inner thoughts, you sometimes use first person and you sometimes use third. Make sure to pick one point of view for the story, and if the inner thoughts use a different point of view, they should be italicized. (This is something I see in LOTS of stories!)

 

My other observation is that you let us get to the kiss VERY quickly! Usually, writers make me wait at least a few chapters for the first kiss, so it was very exciting to read it here! On the other hand, I worry that will make it hard to maintain tension.

 

To be fair, I really can't comment effectively on that without reading more. Hopefully after CTF is done, I'll have time to read the next chapter. 

 

I really enjoyed this. I will need to check out some of your newer stuff soon!