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Hello, hello! I'm here for our impromptu review swap. I can say honestly that I've never read a fic like this before, as far as I can remember. We were talking about it in Discord DM but you meant for this to be an experimental character study and I think you've done it beautifully while sticking within the parameters of the prompts you were given for the challenges.
It was disheartening, painful even, to read. I don't say that based on your writing being poor, because it certainly wasn't and on the contrary was very well thought out, but the content itself was heartbreaking. You should be proud of what you've accomplished with this and I hope that you will find similar pride in your more current projects.
I know how hard it is to find joy in doing things I ostensibly enjoy doing. Just like Sirius here, you're not alone. Good luck, and I hope we see more from you in the future.
KAT. Don’t make eye contact with me as I C&P this review only like a month after I meant to. Think of a good excuse for me that’s better than just general executive dysfunction.
Hi Kat! Swinging by for a review! :)
So for starters, I guess I didn’t really know monophobia was a phobia. It makes sense and I’m lowkey stressed for most of this because you did a really great job depicting it. It’s minor, but I also think you did a great job distinguishing it from just general loneliness. You really highlighted the pathology of it if that makes sense.
Sirius is a character that’s always hit or miss for me. Sometimes I feel like people get so excited by the playful playboy style character that they miss key aspects of his character–his dependence on his friends to replace his family especially. I think you’ve done an amazing job capturing this.
THE IMAGERY. You open right up to the line about words being hot knives cutting into your heart and I think I honestly got indigestion. AMAZING WRITING (zero surprise there though). The ice cold burn of agony. The broken china. The way you’ve painted his emotions, all of his emotions really stick out to me.
I feel the adolescent angst in a way that mimics my own and I just would really like to give that boy a hug and tell him it’s all going to be okay (even if it isn’t).
This piece did an exceptional job really highlighting all of the hurt he’s struggling with throughout his entire life. The angst is supreme and I feel like I’m locked up in Azkaban with him. The silence of it is truly unbearable.
Amazing as always,
Paula
Hello hello, I'm here for our swap! I was really intrigued to read this when you mentioned it, and I found it really interesting because I felt like it was a fairly different interpretation from mine, but also one I found believable - and I don't say that often! I am very, very picky when it comes to Sirius characterization and I thought this was a good take :)
I especially liked this part: "Just once. Just once you'll let someone see you broken, and only because you can't find the energy to glue the pieces back together. Just this once, and only because you're tired of fighting. Just once, you promise, and only because it feels good to finally let go." Oof! I thought that was so well-written and really showed off Sirius's mindset so clearly.
I also liked the part where Sirius runs away to James's and it's a little bittersweet, because he can't help but be sort of jealous of James and feel a bit isolated. I thought that was really well done and realistic.
I enjoyed reading this, good work :D and thanks for the swap!
Hi Kat, I’m here for the last of our swaps! I’m intrigued by this story! Sirius Black is already a very complex character, and I’m really interested in what kind of spin you’ll put on him, especially since this takes place in canon.
…And I’m sad. I know the reality of Sirius Black is that he was probably abused by his family, enough to warrant him running away to the Potters, but it’s so very deeply sad to see this happening. I get what you mean about the silence, especially in lots of cases of abuse, it’s often the silence that condemns the victims. No one wants to speak up, and that’s so so detrimental to victims of abuse. Even worse when it’s a child, because most people don’t take children very seriously? And I think that’s a mistake, and the consequences of writing a child off as just lying has so many consequences.
“They won't have the satisfaction of seeing you break.” This line… is so heartbreaking. I’ve said it. My friends have said it. I’ve heard strangers say it. And despite how many times I’ve heard it, it still makes deeply sad. It’s just such a marker of how distrustful people are of their caretakers and how they can’t show even the slightest weakness in front of them because they’re scared of being seen as weak. If anything, children should be able to find that their parents/guardians/caretakers are their safe space.
And the fact that Sirius thinks that James is going to leave him for being weak just breaks the pieces of my heart even more. More than anything, Sirius deserves to have James, and I feel like he should really know better of James? But when you’ve been taught that you can’t trust people from so young, it’s really hard to see that people genuinely can be good to you.
I’m really glad that Sirius has a place where he doesn’t have to put walls up or even pretend that he’s okay. It’s hard to be act okay all the time, and sometimes you just need to fall apart somewhere, right?
Sirius’ jealousy of James and his family hits really hard man. Like it’s so bittersweet, to know that the Potters consider Sirius a son, but Sirius would have a hard time believing it because his parents taught him that he was a good for nothing disappointment.
I feel like there isn’t really a happy moment for Sirius here. It was there when he ran away from his family, but it was so fleeting. His life is just a series of unfortunate events (pun intended 100%) and it feels like nothing will go right for him. And if they are, his shitty mental health comes along, making it just an overall shitty life to live.
It’s all so tragic, especially knowing he lives twelve years of his life in Azkaban. This poor man never gets a break. I guess that’s what fanfiction is for.
You have a real talent for drawing out emotion though. This piece was beautifully written, and I enjoyed reading it! Thanks for writing! xx
Hi Kat, I’m here for our review swap!!
Where to start?? This was phenomenal!! It was so deep, so moving, so heart-wrenching. Watching Sirius grow up the way he did, even in snapshots, is quite haunting and brings home a reality of what it was like for him to be a lion in the snake pit. Order of the Phoenix alludes to this but the reader doesn’t have to think too deeply about it, whereas having it laid out plainly in writing just gets my gut hard.
The way you see him hiding his abuse and then just breaking down to James, after being convinced that James was going to leave and not look back, was extremely powerful! And I think us as the reader feel that relief with Sirius too - that he doesn’t have to hide and can rely on his friends to help keep him strong.
Then of course when he runs away at sixteen, he goes to the Potters. I know I’ve never thought too hard about that one statement, but it really is telling of abuse behind the doors that Sirius had to endure.
Aw man, and the way he tears himself apart of spilling the werewolf secret, he is very conflicted about that. Wanting to scare the heck out of Snape must have been such a great idea at the time, but not when it almost cost him friendship afterwards.
Your writing is so wonderful, Kat! It feels so effortless and I really feel for Sirius because of what he goes through, but I really admire him too!
I really love how the piece ends the same way it starts, it really adds to the whole atmosphere. (Also took me that second time around to see how it fit in with his imprisonment in Azkaban, was that deliberate?)
Loved this! I can’t really express my thoughts in any other way right now...
Kate :)
Author's Response:Hi, Kate!
That was deliberate, yes. Thank you so much for the lovely review!
~Kat.
Just read this and am blown away! This is incredibly powerful and sad. I love the use of the second person POV, it connects the reader to Sirius' emotions so vividly. I particularly liked the bit about the apple falling and dreams resting in the dirt. Really beautifully written, well done.
Author's Response:Thanks for the review!
Hey Kat!
I am here for our swap! I’ll go Fluff CC Fluff :)
I REALLY REALLY enjoyed this story. Sirius black is someone I have always loved for his strength and his loyalty to his friends. This story brought out so many of the reasons why I adore him and find his will to live and his honour so amazing. How he was raised to be pure blood with all their opinions and beliefs and yet he persevered and truly, I can see how difficult it would have been for him and how easy it would have been to end his torture and just be what they wanted him to be. Gryffindor to the core he would never have let that happen and I just loved that about him.
“Age fourteen” I would try to make this into a sentence, the way you transitioned into 12 was a good way. I would probably try to reference there in the first sentence with fourteen being a challenging time for Sirius, how it was a year of feeling he leads two lives, one of which he could never admit to those he loved so much at school. But this is only a suggestion
It is both heartbreaking and completely understandable that Sirius then assumes he will be hated by James for keeping the abuse of his home life away from his friends. How he expects to lose James now because he had pretended his life was the same as anyone else's. James holding him and letting him fall to pieces made me get all misty, and I wish I could have help baby Sirius here. The poor boy.
“Sixteen and you feel the rain, like sheets of cold needles as you run into the night, hauling your school trunk out into the downpour.” I would probably make a sentence with sixteen, probably being a freeing year. Maybe something like ‘Freedom finally came when you were sixteen.’ and then start a new sentence with ‘You feel the rain, like sheets of cold needles as you run into the night, hauling your school trunk out into the downpour.’ But again this is just a suggestion.
I love how you describe how Sirius feels so happy and cared for to be with the Potters but still an outcast in a way because he doesn’t belong here, he is a traitor to his family, but he doesn’t belong to the Potters either and that is glaringly obvious to him no matter how much they try to show him they care. Years of abuse will do that to a person, believe to their core that they don’t belong and that they will never be loved.
This view of how he betrayed Remus, and how it was never the same again with him made my heart squeeze, and the following events of the marauders all makes so much more sense to me now, the reason they trusted Peter was because they couldn’t fully trust Sirius after he betrayed their trust, the reason Remus believed that Sirius killed Peter and betrayed the Potters was because of his experience with him having betrayed his trust in school. It’s all such a horribly sad story of unfortunate circumstances and mistakes that couldn’t be rectified. Trust is such a difficult thing to earn and yet so easy to break.
I absolutely LOVED this story, and I cannot believe I have yet to read it till now. <3
Amazing! Good job hun, honestly, this story deserves an award!
xoxo
LB
Author's Response:Hi, thank you for the swap! (Also, did I get to all what we agreed on? I think I did but if not please pm me so I can get on that!)
Thank you for the suggestions. I'll try to find ways to include them. Thank you for the absolutely amazing review!
~Kat.
Hi Kat! I’m here for our swap.
I really enjoyed this story. Your writing is beautiful and I love all of the images that you used in this piece. I also really liked the symmetry of it—that it begins by talking about how words can hurt as much as physical violence and ends with the same reflection. I also thought that the refrain of how emotions are weaknesses throughout the story was very effective and heartbreaking.
The first scene with Sirius’s horrible family is so wrenching and brutal. And that poor Regulus was watching the whole thing, soaking it up and unable to do anything—it’s simply tragic. I don’t know if the Toujours Pur was canon—but I thought it was the perfect motto for the black family. And the comment about how Sirius is marring Narcissa’s perfect skin made my own skin crawl.
You don’t shy away from showing us all the horrors of this awful family and it is such a relief when Sirius is able to escape from home. The scene where James realizes the abuse that Sirius has endured and then accepts and comforts him was well done and moving. It was cathartic to see Sirius accepting comfort and understanding that his friend doesn’t think less of him.
It’s heart wrenching that, even after Sirius escapes from home and finds a refuge with the Potters, he still feels alone because he will never have loving parents like James has. It’s such a loss that can never really be made up for.
You write about how Sirius views Snape very well. His anger comes across clearly and his reasoning makes complete sense. And the fallout from the decision to put Snape in the way of a werewolf is handled deftly. It makes a lot of sense that Remus would be the one most hurt by Sirius’s attempted prank. Remus would have been one of the ones to pay most of the price of it and you lay that out harshly and clearly. And I like how you tied that betrayal to how Remus thinks that Sirius had betrayed the Potters (or, at least, Sirius thinks that Remus thinks that).
I really adored this line: “So you fall like the apple of Eden down into the pit, and there you lay in the darkness, dreams resting in the dirt alongside your huddled form as memories turn to nightmares.”
I do feel really bad for Sirius at the end of this—alone and in prison—his own personal hell.
The last two paragraphs of this are brilliant.
I really enjoyed this story! Thank you for pointing it out to me and thank you for the swap!
Yours,
Noelle
Author's Response:Hi, Noelle!
Toujours Pur is the canon motto for the Blacks, and it is pretty spot on. I really tried to play with the imagry in this piece and I'm happy to hear it had the intended effects at the right places. I also really wanted to nail home his depression and the effect his early life had on him.
I really do need to write some more happy Sirius stories sometime, too. Maybe I'll get on that as my next oneshot. Thank you for the lovely review and the swap!
~Kat.
Hello there, I'm here for the menagerie and for rvg :)
I really enjoyed this story, I thought you did an excellent job of getting inside Sirius's head. I liked your choice to start quite young. A lot of stories about Sirius start with his first year at Hogwarts, so I thought it was unique and interesting that you started younger than that. Also in a lot of stories Sirius's family only starts abusing him because he got sorted into Gryffindor, and I liked that you imagined his background differently than usual. He certainly grew up with all these impossible expectations on him, I think it's quite likely that he was (through no fault of his own) failing to live up to them well before going to Hogwarts.
The scene where James finds out about the abuse broke my heart; the way that Sirius interpreted the anger in his face as anger/disgust at him for not being strong enough, rather than as anger directed at his family, was realistic but so sad.
This part just about broke me: "Just once. Just once you'll let someone see you broken, and only because you can't find the energy to glue the pieces back together. Just this once, and only because you're tired of fighting. Just once, you promise, and only because it feels good to finally let go."
Another thing that I thought was really realistic was how Sirius didn't feel like he fit in and truly belonged with James's family, no matter how kind and welcoming they were to him. Of course he would have that mindset after being rejected so cruelly by his own family.
Your exploration of the willow tree incident was well done and well-handled. I liked that he kind of knew he wasn't thinking straight but that wasn't enough to make him stop.
And then ugh, the ending! Of course you had to go and end it in Azkaban :( It's such a sad ending to a really heavy piece, but it worked so well.
Great work! TTFN!
-Kayla
Author's Response:Thanks for stopping by, Kayla!
Hey there!
I"m here for the Magical Menagerie Review Event as well as the Gryffindor Red vs Gold Review Battle for January 2019! It's been ages since I've been by you author's page, so I thought I'd come by and catch up on some of your work! I always love how you write Sirius, so this seemed appealing.
This was so dark. I think I need some hot cocoa and tissues to pick me up after the whole deal. I almost don't even know where to start. I mean, poor Sirius. It's awful to imagine him being tortured and abused so badly. It's fairly canon compliant, so it was likely to happen, but it's hard to read it in such a detailed way.
I thought it was really cool how you called him the white sheep instead of the black sheep. That was a nice play on the family name as well as the fact that they're all dark wizards.
Yikes! That scene with his uncle torturing him is really rough. Poor baby Sirius should never have been subjected to that. I can't imagine any family doing that to a child. I mean I know it happens, but still.
I think the saddest part of this was Sirius thinking that his friends would abandon him if they thought he was weak. I know where that fear comes from, but it's so irrational. They love him and even when he messes up badly, they all find a way to forgive him. I'm glad that he at least has that bit of comfort.
This was really well written, but that's no surprise. Your writing is always good! I'm glad to see you back around the forums.
~Kaitlin
Author's Response:Kaitlin! It's good to see you again. Glad you stopped by. :)
Hot cocoa is good in any situation, so I'm all for that. Thanks for coming by, and hopefully I'll stay on this time. I haven't been able to be on much right now because school. Sad I'm missing the FROGS event, but hopefully I'm be regular once I get some of the stuff done.
Hi! Here for RvG and the Magical Menagerie.
This was such a powerful story! I haven't read that many Sirius stories recently, but I thought that the way that you told this was brilliant. Your choice of second person narrative voice was really effective - I think it helped us to connect with Sirius and understand his emotions in a way that's very difficult to do, because most of us are lucky enough not to have experienced what he had to deal with in his short lifetime.
Your description and imagery in this was so beautiful and impressive. I loved the way that you managed to paint such vivid pictures of Sirius and the ending especially worked really well - the link to Icarus, someone who flew too close to the sun, and then the idea that he would be cursed to be frozen in ice forever, away from the fire and passion that encapsulates so much of his personality. I thought the fire/ice contrast at the end of the piece was really worked into the idea that Sirius was in Azkaban as he was experiencing this, imprisoned in the cold and cursed to remain with these desperate thoughts and memories.
I thought the fear that you focused on worked so well for Sirius, too. The idea that he's afraid to be alone fits so well with his character and everything that he's been through - even though he tried to protect himself and be strong enough to deal with everything that was happening at home without telling people, he still needed his friends, and you capture how important they are to him. I really loved the scene when he'd betrayed Remus and tried to prank Snape, and the fear that you managed to thread into that - fear and pain that he was going to be abandoned by his friends and it was all his fault.
You captured Sirius's character so well here, and this was such a powerful one-shot. I really enjoyed reading it!
Sian :)
Author's Response:Hello again, Sian!
I'm so glad someone commented on the Icurus line because honestly that and the ending parts you mentioned were some of my favorite parts I wrote in this.
I'm also glad you think I did him justice. That's always a nice thing to hear.
Thanks again for stopping by!
Transfered Offsite by Request of the Author.
Originally left on 10/21/2015
Hello! :) I'll pull out my fancy reviewing template, so that it'll be easier to make sense of my rambles! (But I'm exhausted, so be warned that I'll probably ramble anyway.) But we'll start here in saying that I loved it :D
Right, onwards!
Plot/Arc: This was definitely a heavy piece, so excuse me if I'm a little scattered. Your introduction was a terrific way to transition from how words can cause terrible harm, to how lack thereof can cause even more harm, and then directly into the major storyline. Furthermore, I think you've done an excellent job on paralleling Sirius' experience from his terrible childhood to his personality, which I'll address more in the ""Characterization"" category. It was terribly sad to see Sirius' abusive home life, and how nobody would help him. I also think that it does send out a strong message on how abuse can't be stopped by ignoring it. That's why I was so glad to see James' reaction to Sirius' situation; he embraces him not only physically, but emotionally, as a brother, as well. I think that may have been a great contributing factor in helping Sirius finally being capable of escaping his mother's wrath -- he had someone to turn to. The part concerning Severus I *really* want to cover in the next section, so we'll skip that, here. Of course, then his friendship that kept him together -- that gave him strength to overcome -- completely crumbles and it's disastrous :(. Your conclusion tied perfectly into your introduction, and I think it was an amazing way to end (and Rumpel's heart shattered like Sirius and the china).
Characterization: Sirius is shown in a very dark light, and it's done fantastically. I really think you nailed his personality, and his hatred for people like his family, like Snape, because of what he had endured for a large, impressionable portion of his life. His absolute rage he felt for Snape seems to have been a vicarious way to inflict pain on his family, the ones who had caused him so much pain. Snape became the perfect proxy because of who he was and what he valued, and Sirius needed the outlet for hatred, to exact payback of what he had to go through. I think you've portrayed that very nicely, and have given an excellent reason why Sirius would tell Snape how to get into the Shrieking Shack during the full moon. He was so blinded by rage, wanting to fulfil his need for vengeance, that he neglected to realize the repercussion it would have on his friendship with Remus. I also really appreciated the idea that friendship was the glue that held Sirius together. This was a fantastic take on Sirius.
Style: I think you've done a great job with second-person perspective. It took me a couple tries to get the hang of it, but I do believe that you've captured it nicely. I also think that this style help emphasize the horrors that Sirius had to endure during his life.
Detail: The first thing I noticed was the connection with the theme of ""words"" in this, and how you used some powerfully descriptive words that appropriately tie into the theme. I thought I'd mention it, because I found it quite clever.
Flow: Mostly, it worked. Because of the style that this was written in, the flow was meant to be a tad bumpier than in, say, something written from third-person. However, here are a couple suggestions that might make it work slightly better (and do keep in mind that these are just suggestions, and are meant to be taken lightly ;) ). ""Worse than words is the silence."" - You can probably eliminate the article ""the"". ""..sowing needle last she visited..."" -There's just a couple typos here: ""sowing"" to ""sewing"" and I do believe you're missing either an article before ""last"" or a word (such as ""time"" or the like after). ""Toujours Pur always pure."" -This may work a little better if you put a comma between French and English (""Toujours Pur, always pure"").
CCs (with love): Are included in the other categories :). ♥
Notes/Other: Ouch! Yep. Those were my feels. Why is that all of you HPFF writers try to break my heart? Oh yeah, and this line, ""
The white sheep of the Black family, an anomaly they can't control."" is amazing -- I thought I'd let you know :D. Also, I think that this is nicely written and constructed excellently.
Fantastic job, I truly did enjoy this (through my tears). You definitely have some excellent writing skills, so thank you for sharing this with me.
-Rumpel
Author's Response:Thanks for the review. :)
Transfered Offsite by Request of the Author.
Originally left on 10/22/2015
Hey Kat! This is Songs here for our review swap.
So you wondered whether you had overdone things? Maybe the writing was a little too flowery in spots, but overall it was really good. I admit I was confused at first, because for some reason I thought it was in first person, and I thought ""Sirius doesn't talk like this at all."" But then I realized that it was in second person, so that changed things.
I love (well, not LOVE, but you know what I mean) seeing this different side of Sirius. All we see of him in canon is this clever, awesome dude who was a prankster and obviously awesome (though he did jerkish things) in the past. But so much of the time, the happiest people are the most miserable inside (I think there's a Robin William's quote to that effect). We never get to see what makes a person who they are, and really we don't want to see most of the time. So good job tackling that.
Also, thanks for explaining why he hates Snape so much. That always bothered me. I mean, in canon the kid didn't even do that much but be awkward and unpleasant and look into the Dark Arts! Giving Sirius a backstory makes me feel a little better about that.
I caught a typo: ""strinking from the grass."" I'm not sure what you meant there. Also, what did Sirius do to Snape that made him afraid that the Mauraders would disown him? All I saw was that he wanted Snape to disappear, and then he was afraid his friends would leave him again.
I can totally see how these thoughts would be preying on Sirius's mind, especially during his stay in Azkaban. I can actually see this one-shot as a record of his Dementor-affected thoughts while in prison.
Finally, what does momophobia mean? I looked it up and apparently it means fear of Asians? That doesn't fit with this story. Including a definition in the summary would be helpful.
Anyway, good job! It was really depressing. I will not look at Sirius the same way again.
~Songs
Author's Response:Thanks for the review. :)
Transfered Offsite by Request of the Author.
Originally left on 10/22/2015
First off, Sirius is my favorite character, so I'm excited to be reading about him!! :D
Writing in second person is so difficult (I know, I've tried), but yours just seems to flow so effortlessly. Sirius being depressing is just so...depressing :( but we have to face the reality sometime I guess. *sigh*
White sheep of the Black family! I love this one!
The way you brought our Sirius' vulnerability, slowly building him up, the events that led to his bittnerness and cynicism about life. That was well done.
Ooh, I liked how you gave a back story to why Remus and Sirius doubted each other.
Towards the end I was just hanging on to each word. it was almost like you had transported me into the dark cells of Azkaban (The fact that I am sitting in a dark room with lights off only aided that :P )
Its awesome! I couldn't spot any grammar/spelling errors in it. I think I was too captivated by the flow to notice!
Good luck on your challenge! Hope you win :) :hug:
Author's Response:Thanks for the review. :)
Transfered Offsite by Request of the Author.
Originally left on 10/25/2015
Hey there - dropping by for our review swap! :)
Okay, so I'm going to say at the beginning that this doesn't exactly match up with my headcanon for Sirius, just to qualify things a bit ;)
But, that being said, I loved your take on it, how you dealt with the issues you gave Sirius in it - they were so tactfully done, you know? And I loved how it gave Sirius this kind of violent, dangerous, damaged side to him, as well as making him a lot more vulnerable than I've seen him before. It was a lovely combination of things, and such a fascinating character deconstruction, too :)
Your writing in this is so great, too - it's so clean and so fluid, which I love, and the way you jump about is something which is so hard to make flow, you know? And you do it so, so well. Your description was so lovely, too, especially the way you described Sirius' emotions - there was something so real and so true about it, and the way you wrote it gave the whole thing this heavy, solemn kind of feeling which is so right for it.
I really liked all of the details in this, too: things like how Regulus was so often described as hiding behind others, in shadows, how Snape seemed to be so snakelike and dangerous, how Remus was so scarred and the parallels you drew between them. It was so great, and so full, if that makes sense :P
This really is a lovely, lovely, admittedly heartbreaking, one-shot :)
Aph xx
Author's Response:Thanks for the review. :)
Transfered Offsite by Request of the Author.
Originally left on 10/26/2015
Hello, It is I, The Basilisk, come here for a review.
Thisss really made my sad cold heart all the more sad. I felt bad for poor Sirius, especially as I understand the pain of being alone, of being imprisoned, of feeling worthless - being a ""monster"" in a Chamber for many years has acquainted me with these emotions all too well.
But enough about me. I loved this one-shot. Your characterisation of Sirius was very good. HIs bitterness, frustration, despair, and all the emotions in general, came through the narrative very well. I felt his pain and would've cried for him if I had the ability to. You my dear could make a Basilisk like me weep with your beautifully woven words and darknes driven descriptions, and for that, I salute you.
I loved the concept of progressing through Sirius' life here. Giving a glimpse into different important instances, and how he felt through them. I loved the section when he shares his pain with James and realises the beauty of friendship. The ending bit was the saddest though. He was alone again, bitter again, helpless once again, lost without friendship.
This is a depressing tale indeed, but one very well written. I really liked reading it, and I think you did a great job with the writing style. Loved it.
Hiss Hiss,
The Basilisk
Author's Response:Thanks for the review. :)
Transfered Offsite by Request of the Author.
Originally left on 10/27/2015
This is for the Blue vs. Bronze review battle!
First of all, I love your prose here. It struck me as soon as I began to read this chapter. It's extremely pretty language and I can perfectly visualize exactly what you're communicating.
Your description of Sirius being abused was really well done. I can really feel for Sirius here, what he's suffering and going through when no one in his family cares enough to stand up for him, or mention the bloodstain on the carpet in the sitting-room. *hugs Sirius*
Sirius's reaction to James finding out about his home life and his scars was really well done. I can almost see the fear, that James would be just like his family and would hit him, blame him, and then his surprise when James proved himself to possess basic human decency and hugged Sirius.
I love the rationale you've given to Sirius's treatment of Snape, that he represented everything Sirius hated, and the cruel treatment he had suffered at the hands of those he was related to - I don't think they deserve the word family. It adds a layer of depth to his character. Good job!
One thing, though - in that same paragraph you talk about how during sixth year Lily was still defending Snape adamantly. I thought that she'd stopped and basically cut all ties with him after he called her a Mudblood at the end of fifth year?
I noticed what I think is a typo - <i>The Ministry doesn't see him as Remus, the boy, they just see him as monster.</i> - they just see him as a monster?
Your ending was really well-written and you made me so sad with Sirius's complete and utter despondency over being stuck in Azkaban and everything that's happened to him. The Dementors' influence can really be felt here.
I think your use of second-person point of view to tell this story was an excellent choice. I really loved this and I'll be back to review some more of your stuff when I have time!
~Olivia
Author's Response:Thanks for the review. :)
Transfered Offsite by Request of the Author.
Originally left on 10/28/2015
Hey! Here for our swap! Sorry i am so late, I was really busy yesterday :(.
Let's start off with the beginning - in this, Sirius was not the typical Sirius that JK Rowling wrote about. We saw a damaged, vulnerable Sirius. I liked how you showed that people are not always what they seem on the outside. I don't know whether you going for that but it was a nice message if it was. Writing in second person is really difficult to make the story flow nicely but when it's pulled off, I love it! ;)
I'm glad you explained why he hates Snape. I always thought that they hadn't done anything to become enemies, but you've given me a nice backstory now and it all makes sense!
I do like your writing style - each word seems to be a perfect fit. Though this isn't the style I usually like to read, I really enjoyed it anyway. I was terribly sad to read this since I have always liked Sirius a lot in the HP, he is portrayed as very brave and strong. I love this line -""the white sheep of the Black family"" because usually the black sheep is the member of the family who is disregarded without meaning. I like how you switched it round :).
All in all a great read.
:)
Author's Response:Thanks for the review. :)
Transfered Offsite by Request of the Author.
Originally left on 11/07/2015
Oh, my...
This is absolutely stunning! And yes, depressing too... But with such a theme it was iinevitale... But I really feel like crying now...
The way you wrote Sirius' childhood was just perfect. I especially loved the references to silence, to Regulus and Andromeda watching from a corner, too scared to intervene, even if they did care for him.
I also loved the words' theme. When you talked about the word ""laughter"" and then ""friendship"". Amidst all the tragedy of the story, those few lines made me smile.
The Cruciatus Curse bit really broke me. It was one of the worst passages in all the story.
And then it broke me Severus' bit, Remus' disappointment, their suddenly shattered friendship. And of course Remus has all reasons to feel that way.
Thinking about the possible outcome is just so horrifying... (sorry, I have a thing for Remus...)
And finally Azkaban. The seclusion, the loneliness, the memories... I just want to hug him tight and tell him it'll be alright (even if we know it won't... Not really...
Oh, my... You broke my heart in a thousand tiny pieces here... :'(
Anyway, this was really a great story, so powerful and so beautifully written!
All my love!
Chiara
Author's Response:Thanks for the review. :)
Transfered Offsite by Request of the Author.
Originally left on 11/18/2015
Hi!
So I am finally getting around to reading and reviewing all of the spectacular challenge entries I have received.
I really enjoyed this and thought you did a wonderful job of not only using the proverb you were given, but also the way that you basically tell Sirius' life story in a One-shot is awesome! I enjoyed the different scenes that we all know, but you also include your own scenes that really give his sense of feeling and a depth that hides behind the surface. Yes, it maybe a bit depressing, but it is more than that... It is moving to read Sirius as the rising and falling star as he was.
Good Luck in the Challenge! :)
-Jenn
Author's Response:Thanks for the review. :)
Transfered Offsite by Request of the Author.
Originally left on 12/11/2015
Hello! Thanks for the swap! The link you posted wouldn't open for me for some reason, so I assumed this was the story you wanted reviewed? If not, let me know!
I really liked this! I think you thought out his character and his history really well, and I found the entire story very touching. I think my favorite line (or at least one that stuck out to me) was: <i>When the others find out there's no judgment in their eyes, no accusations for your weakness.</i>
I hate thinking that he thought he was weak, and I like that his friends didn't see him at all in that way. You touched here so well on the deeper friendships between them, other than the fun they had together.
I have two very small suggestions:
First, should the family motto be in italics? I'm honestly not sure about this one, so ignore me if that isn't the case.
I was confused when you said ""your late uncle"". After thinking about it, I understand that his uncle is dead in the present, but alive in the memory. But I thought he was dead <i>in</i> the memory, which had me trying to figure out why he was a ghost. That's such a little detail, but the rest of the paragraph is lovely (well, horrible, but you know what I mean), so I'd hate to have any confusion distracting from it.
Second person and present are both really hard! When I write in either of them I always slip back. There were a few times where it felt strained, but overall I think you did a good job with it.
Thanks again for the swap!
-Georgia
Author's Response:Thanks for the review. :)
Transfered Offsite by Request of the Author.
Originally left on 12/12/2015
Hello there! Here for our swap! Sorry its super late!!
First of all, your description KILLS ME! Like there were so many lines where just i absolutely almost died!! Like these lines: “Yet Regulus' lips remain unmoving, as if sealed shut by your great aunt's sewing needle last she visited.” and “you're nothing more than a blemish on your cousin Narcissa's perfect skin. The white sheep of the Black family, an anomaly they can't control. “ they’re amazing and so beautiful and have rendered me speechless.
And i also think you nailed the characterisation of James like the whole painting him as mischievous but really really perceptive. AND OMG A PLATONIC HUG. THAT HUG GAVE ME SO MANY FEELS. and of course james feels anger like white hot rage its amazing honestly that scene is described and written so well.
The description of his future after Hogwarts made me tear up a bit because well, he was so bright and motivated but then the war. Im glad you didn’t describe James and Lily’s death scene I think I would have started sobbing immediately. But I also think that maybe that would’ve added to the emotional sense of the fic? but its amazing as is, so not necessary.
Also, some parts of his internal monologue got a bit boring to read so maybe a little more dialogue to split it up? But like it was beautiful and created a really nice atmosphere for the story so I also think its great without more dialogue?
Anyway thank you for the swap!
Author's Response:Thanks for the review. :)
Transfered Offsite by Request of the Author.
Originally left on 12/12/2015
Hello! I'm here for the review swap. Sorry this took me so long, it's been a hectic day.
This has actually made me cry. I have tears in my eyes as I write this. It was just so powerful, so emotional. I could feel every little bit of Sirius's emotional pain.
What really got me was the part where he begins to talk about how school and home were different worlds. That he hides his pain in school behind a confident mask, a big smile, loud laughs. How everyone at school thinks Sirius Black is this happy-go-lucky guy. The charming flirt of the Marauders. What could possibly be wrong in his life?
I think that's something far too many people can relate to. I know I can. Separating your life into separate worlds, always hiding behind a mask.
Really powerful stuff here! Thank you so much for sharing, this really was incredible!
Stefanie
Author's Response:Thanks for the review. :)
Transfered Offsite by Request of the Author.
Originally left on 12/14/2015
Hello! I am finally here from work, yay!
This has made me feel so sad :( I just want to make everything better for Sirius and I want to hug him so tightly and never let go! *squishes him*
Your beautifully written description was so powerful in this and it added all of the tragic pain to this one shot. I felt like it was me going through this pain and hurt. You've done a superb job!
I just wanted to cry through this entire thing, and I want you to write a happier Sirius one where he is happy and feels happiness because he's just so broken in this, and I want him to be fixed!
That line at the end was the most powerful one of this entire one shot. This was just. there are no words to describe the beautiful heartbreakingness of this story. You are so amazing at writing.
Author's Response:Thanks for the review. :)
Transfered Offsite by Request of the Author.
Originally left on 12/28/2015
Hi, here from the forums.
Sorry for the hideous delay in replying. Christmas has really messed with my usual punctuality.
I really enjoyed this. I think you brought a real authenticity to the character of Sirius. I always thought of Sirius sort of as a teenager that never really grew up, the war and then Azkaban stealing that bridge into adulthood. His self-loathing, mixed with his cutting, thoughtful and incisive ability to reflect bitterly on things is really brought to the fore here.
I enjoy one-shots for the most part and I like how you were able to make this so emotive.
Occasionally, I think the musings and thoughts of Sirius drift a little into cliched terminology, but then again, so do the recollections and thoughts of most humans. So maybe it gives an unexpected level of authenticity.
But that said, I thought this read superbly.
Certainly you have nothing to worry about with your writing.
All the best,
NPE
Author's Response:Thanks for the review. :)
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