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Hi there! I'm here for the FROGS nomination review swap! <3
THIS PIECE IS SO AMAZING, I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO EXPRESS MY FEELINGS. I guess I'm going to start with my absolute favorite line of the whole piece, just because of how clever it is -- "The white sheep of the Black family." This is honestly so smart that I giggled delightedly when I saw it. It's just the perfect usage of a common phrase and a play-on-words, and wow. But this definitely isn't the only line that struck my attention; your writing is honestly so full of wonderful, intelligent lines and phrases.
I really want to tell you how impressed I am by the way you use second person, which is actually the hardest tense to write things in. You managed to make it work perfectly, and so we really, really got into Sirius' head in this piece, and felt all his struggles and his pain right along with him. Also, you wrote his voice perfectly; I don't see how there's any way this piece could sound any more like the tormented voice of a broken teenager. It's just already so perfectly done. I'm so, so impressed by this omg.
One of my favorite themes that you covered was the difference between words and silences (which is also an apt title for this piece). That whole beginning section was just so smart, how you described that words can wound people deeply, but that the silence of those who supposedly loved him hurt him more. I think that's why bystanders to crime/hate are regarded with so much disdain, because they are actively watching what's happening right in front of them without lifting a finger to help. And you covered that perfectly in your "words and silences" section -- I love it so much. The silence of those you wish for desperately to defend you must hurt to an excruciating degree.
I loved the part where James discovers the abuse that Sirius suffers at the hands of his family, and instead of leaving at the "signs of weakness" shown by Sirius, James provides comfort. And so do Remus and Peter, once they discover the truth, as well. What I loved about this was how Sirius did feel marginally better once he had the full support of his friends, and I think that's such an important thing to notice. Friends should always support you to the end, and sometimes it's more than okay to use friends as a crutch, so that they can help you heal. I just loved that about this, regarding his friendship with James.
Another one of my favorite parts was your depiction of his betrayal of Remus. The way you did it was really, really cool, too -- where you describe the mess of emotions he's feeling, and how it leads to him wanting to take revenge on Snape for being who he is. And while I hate Snape, I think this is one of the worst possible things anyone could do, which Sirius realizes by the end. He put one of his best friends in danger of harming/killing someone else, and he nearly killed an enemy this way, as well. Murder is honestly never okay, but it's just on an entirely different level when you manipulate the situation like this. This is, I feel, one of the most overlooked scenes in Sirius' past when people discuss who he is as a person, so I really liked that you included this.
And then you tie this feeling of betrayal into Sirius' imprisonment. Azkaban. The ending was just so painful, and I loved the repetition of phrases from the beginning.
I loved this so much. My one bit of concrit would be that the passage of time is a little choppy, especially since sometimes you directly state the age of Sirius and then move on to your beautiful prose after. Stylistically, I'm not sure if that fits, so I would just find a way to better transition between the years.
But this is so, so good. Omg. <3
~Eva
Author's Response:Hi, Eva!!!
You're making me blush...this is an amazing review. Thanks so much. *hugs*
I'll try to think some on the time issue. I hope you're doing well! Thank you for dropping by!
Here for the FROGs! Congrats on being nominated!! ♥
I can totally see why this was nominated, as well. You really get into Sirius' state of mind so well, and everything about this story illustrated the bleakness of his situation. Notably, you did a wonderful job conveying tone.
What I thought was a really compelling way of storytelling is that there's no actual action in the story, and not even any thoughts he has in the present - it's all the past, until the very end when he compares himself to the broken china on the floor. Like, there's no occasion when the stream of memories is interrupted for him to actively hate his current situation or Dementors or punch the wall or anything, it's like all the fire is out of him and he's just there. He's just a passive recipient of his past memories, these memories just happen to him, and he either doesn't have the will or the ability to do anything about it. That alone is so perfect at showing how broken he is in prison.
The repetition of the beginning at the end is so effective. It really drives home the fact that this whole story has taken place while Sirius is in Azkaban, that this is the loop of images playing through his head as he sits there in his cell. And the fact that it will keep repeating. What a horrible existence. It makes me so sad to think that he suffered this for twelve years.
I also want to mention that I love your choice of POV here. I adore second person POV, and I feel like it's one of those perspectives that only works in specific instances because it's simultaneously so personal and so detached. Which is why I think it works perfectly in this fic, due to the fact that Sirius is in Azkaban reliving these horrible events and memories from his past - the personal aspect - but he's lost part of himself after being stuck there so long with the Dementors, and his sense of self is being reduced to just bad memories.
So, clearly, I loved your writing style in this. I also think the particular memories you focused on made a lot of sense. I'd expect that Sirius would be dwelling on the werewolf prank for years, and so I'm not surprised to see it still haunting him in Azkaban, especially given the context throughout the story of Sirius feeling like he is alone and then so, so incredibly grateful for his friends sticking by him when they saw him falling apart earlier in the story. The juxtaposition of his friends' nonjudgemental acceptance of him, followed by him telling Snape the secret in a moment where emotion obscured common sense and the eventual fallout, is really effective and makes that werewolf prank hurt even more.
Very well done in writing this fic, and thanks for the swap! Good luck in the FROGS :)
Author's Response:Aw, thanks!
Yeah. I wrote it planning on a kinda stream of consiousness type thing. It's a style I really enjoy. Maybe because I tend to hate writing dialogue, and this keeps me from having to do that....
I'm glad you liked it, and I gotta say. I just love all the reviews deconstructing stuff. I'd like to say I planned it all in the beginning, but I think some of it just kinda happened, and other parts were solified in editing, and this has had A LOT of editing. XD
Thank you for taking the time to go so deep, it really makes my day, and thank you for respending to my status! Your story was just as good, and here's hoping we both have good luck! :D
OH MY FREAKING GOD
Hello, I'm here for our swap! :)
This was PHENOMENAL. I haven't read much of your writing, I don't think (this now strikes me as tragic), so I had absolutely no expectations going into this and I'm kind of grateful for that, because your writing hit me like a ton of beautiful bricks.
I don't know where to begin.
Thinking about Sirius' childhood always makes me really sad. The way they treated him was so wrong on every level, and your betrayal was as horrific as any I've seen. Torturing a twelve year old is just. Ugh. It makes me sick.
I think Sirius' story is the most tragic of all the characters. He wasn't guilty of anything in the first place. But he tries and tries and tries to redeem himself, but he can never quite do it (at least in his own eyes). And his betrayal of Remus is the worst of that, the very worst moment in the entire series in my opinion. I LOVE the way you captured that incident, and how totally wrecked Sirius his by his own actions. I also LOVED his rationale for doing it in the first place. I've never really seen a loyalty to Lily pulled into that, and I think it's really nice to suggest that they were friends by that time, or even that his loyalty to James made him feel Lily's experience so strongly. Or maybe his understanding of being outcast. It's just a really nice show of empathy, and that's super interesting alongside such a ruthless action.
Ok. The language. It's beautiful. I'm admittedly biased in favor of this sort of poetic style, and I think it works perfectly in this piece. It also works really nicely combined with the second person POV, because it lends in such a punch of emotion. It's interesting, because when I went back to pick out my favorite descriptive lines, I didn't find any one particular line that struck me - but the way you weave the words together makes it seem like you're describing everything all the time. The whole of this story is larger than the sum of its parts. I think the strongest thing is cadence, and the variety of sentence lengths used to pull us along until the right moment for impact. You do that really well.
I liked the structure of this, where you walk as through the years by giving his age. It locates me in the story so that I have all the context.
If I have any CC, it would be in regard to the repeating lines toward the end. I felt like there were a lot of things that repeated, and that made it have less impact for me. At first I thought it was accident. I did really like the callbacks to the broken china, though.
All in all, a gorgeous piece of writing! I'm so glad it was nominated - it's SUPER deserved! Loved it!!
Thanks for the swap!
Renee
Author's Response:Thanks, Renee! That first sentence. So much emotion. So many caps. XD
Obviously this just means you have to do more swaps with me! Personally, I'm not sure if I consider him the most tragic or not, but he's right up there. I don't think I even have a character I consider top...hm. But yes. Sirius has a lot of material to work with, and a lot of different sides to his personality to explore. I think a lot of people can connect to the struggle to want to stand out as their own person, and I tried to keep that in mind with him, as it's a big part of what I see as his overall character.
For the CC, so far I think that's a matter of taste. It certainly wasn't on accident, and I'm glad to see a few reviews going into and puzzling out why I did it. Not everyone enjoys this,but I wanted to make it come around at the end, and connect it to other parts of the story. Like how Sirius said "eye for an eye and tooth for a tooth" in regards to Snape, and then ended up being betrayed by Peter, while blaming himself for what he did with Remus and not trusting his friend enough to tell him about switching Secret Keepers. Or how the reasons he didn't speak against the "voices" changed while also staying the same from start to finish, and how the china image happened both at the start, the middle, and the end.
I find it fun to string things together like that, and I really enjoyed being able to do it in this piece. Though I'm pretty sure one or two weren't there before an earlier rewrite, which might be a good thing because it let me think about it more.
Everyone has their own preferences. On the whole people seem to enjoy what I did with that, so I think I'll keep it. Although, if you can think of a way to keep it around but maybe see something that would make it seem a bit smoother, feel free to message me about it!
Good luck to both of us in the FROGS! Thanks for the lovely review!
Hi Kat! I'm here with your requested review from my HPFT thread about a month ago. :)
Your only real concern was the flow of this story as you'd previously done some editing and such on it before posting it to the archives, so I'll focus on that. First though, I did catch a few spelling errors here and there-- primarily it was "your" instead of "you're" and one instance of "heal" instead of "heel". Other than those, your grammar and spelling were spot on! Goodness knows I'd struggle a lot trying to keep all of my you-isms correct.
This is a point of view I'm not super familiar with, but you've done a fantastic job utilizing it here! By writing this from second person POV with Sirius as the character it's meant to emulate, we as the readers get an inside look at Sirius's mind and also the way other people perceive him. The snippets we get from his childhood into his early adult life (because we all know he died young RIP) work extremely well with this POV and keep the flow of the story strong. You draw in the Marauders and also his internal struggle so seamlessly, and that is what really makes this story work. Ending it on such a despairing note allows the readers to extend past this point in his life--Azkaban imprisonment--and hope that his thoughts get brighter once he escapes and finds Harry and the Order of the Phoenix. The endpoint was chosen very well and fits with your style of writing and the theme of this story.
Overall, I think you did a great job with this POV, tense, and the themes you received for the challenges this was entered in. Great job on this piece, your characterization of Sirius will definitely stick with me. Please feel free to pop on over to my thread again for reviews in the future. :)
~MadiMalfoy x
Author's Response:Hey Madi!
Thanks for pointing out those errors. I'll edit those out soon. I think it was easier to keep this in second person because I did a origional short story kinda like this for a friend involving depression, and that kinda inspired this after when I first wrote it. I'm glad to see everything else works, because I spent a bit of time on edits. Sometimes I feel bad, because I can only imagine of one of our lovely validator's starts to approve just to see another edit pop up about five minutes later because I caught something else. XD
I'll definitly pop in again. Thank you for your time and feedback!
Hi! I apologize for the delay of this review, but I'm here now. Let's get to it!
Our fics have a lot in common, but then when you're writing a “Sirius stuck in Azkaban reflecting on his life while the Dementors suck away at his soul” piece, there are bound to be similarities, right? :) I'm sure that many authors have explored this same subject. I wonder what we would encounter if we sat down and put all of them together in a big collection. Probably a lot of tears and agony, I'd guess.
The way you framed the story for each challenge was great. Sirius’ phobia of being alone came through loud and clear, with the recurring echoes of the conflicting theme of wanting to escape the ties to his family. I love how your two focal points of this fic clash with each other. It makes for a strong emotional ride. Sirius needs people, but wants nothing to do with the people that he is closest to. When he leaves them, he has all kinds of niggling fears about not being accepted anywhere else. It puts his character’s show of bravado into clear perspective. Like he's saying, “No, I'm good. I can handle whatever you throw at me. I'm strong enough to deal with my secrets alone, and I don't really NEED anyone to comfort me.”
But we know he does. Part of the way you portrayed his fear was in his constant reluctance to let people see his weaknesses. It's that very human trait in all of us: thinking that other people will reject us if they see us at our worst. This makes your Sirius highly relatable. I'm sure we've all been there. The hug from James was a poignant moment.
The small light you give him when he realizes that his friends are really true friends is a much needed lift. It comes at just the right time, that glimmer of hope for him, and a much needed anticipation for the reader that things may not be all that bad. This gives him the strength he needs to make that final break with his family, and he takes it.
The way he lashes out at Snape when his friend is in jeopardy, I think you made his reasoning for this very understandable. It hints at wanting to protect his friend, but we all know how wrong it was, on the grander scale. The poor guy just wasn't thinking rationally. It's when his emotions get him into big trouble, and he pays for it. I especially like how you put his relationship with Remus into jeopardy after he told Snape about the secret. It.puts him into a tailspin of doubt, his focal point of failure, and gosh, it affects them for a long, long while. Sirius realizes that he's hurt the people closest to him, and they have every reason to reject him now.
That's a fantastic moment for him to obsess over when he's alone and at his worst. I can see how he would think on it over again and again, convincing himself that he's not worthy, that he's never going to escape who he was born to be, and that everything he tried to do that was good in the world failed because of some wicked fate that he could never escape what he was meant to be.
I like how your writing has that obsessive repetition of words, the way someone would just think and think in circles. It's like he's pacing in his cell, the mental version of being trapped. You pull that off so well. Also, the circular nature of the fic lets us get that feeling that he's going to torture himself over and over with all of these thoughts. He's going to relive these moments over and over and be bitter and alone and afraid. And the worst part will be that he thinks he deserves all of this.
Really well done here. I think you've nailed this.
Pix
Author's Response:Hey, Pix. My. What a long review.
I love those. XD
They do have a bit in common, and I agree. Heartbreak would be a fair guess. Maybe we could try mapping it out sometime. :P
I really wish I could comment on your comment as long as you commented on my story, but I don't know what to say. It was so thorough and lovely, and I promise, I'm grinning really hard right now. Seeing reviews like this really makes me happy. I just wish my review was as long and nice as this one. Someday. Someday in the future you're going to wake up to a essay length review on something. Watch for it.
Thanks, Pix. :D
Hi there! I'm here for our swap! :)
This was a haunting, painful fic unlike any I've ever read. Your word choice is spot-on, and you've got a knack for descriptive language that really creates some stunning visuals. I was partcularly fond of the paragraph about Sirius' first run-in with the Cruciatus. You described it so well that, for better or worse, I perfectly picture it happening, I could hear the screams, and I could feel Sirius' agony coming through my screen.
I know from experience how tricky it can be to write in the second-person POV. It's a style that seldom works and is very easy to mishandle, but you definitely made it work here. Considering Sirius is alone in Azkaban, it makes sense that his own thoughts would be talking to him, taunting him. And it toally fits the overall theme of the story, too: his thoughts (the words) hurt, but so does the silence (the fact that he literally has no one else.)
The ending to this is wonderful. I love when stories circle back to the beginning.
Overall, a very dark, gripping story! Well done!
Cheers,
Reilly
Author's Response:Hi Reilly!
Second person was pretty hard, but it was fun to write in. Well. Maybe not FUN considering the subject matter, but the style itself was something that I enjoy testing out. Especially when adding present tense, which is something I've noticed a lot of people shy from as well.
Thanks for the flattery. I look foward to swapping again! XD
Hey, Kat. I'm here with your requested review.
Okay, so this is not the best reading for Christmas Eve... (?) Meaning, too heartbreaking for the festive time... But it was really so amazing, so powerful! Stunning writing, really!
You asked about the use of second person and how your story flowed. Well, it's perfect. It worked so well the way you did it, with the short sentences, a stream of consciousness that I couldn't help but follow word by word till the very end. I could really feel Sirius' pain throughout the piece, the emotions were so raw and strong and real, the abuse he was so subjected to when he was only a child so cruel and heartbreaking.
Some things that particularly touched me were Regulus standing silent and James' hug. Also, Remus' reaction after the Willow's incident and what might have happened... it's horrible to think about it (I have a particular obsession with Remus, in case you didn't know).
I loved the closing, and how it recalls the beginning (I always love circularity in stories). Your description of Azkaban, even if it's only given in flashes, is so spot on and really communicates the horror of that existence. Everything about this story is so well constructed and evocative and real.
Great job on everything!
With love,
Chiara
Author's Response:Thanks for the review! :D
Hello! Let me start off by saying how wonderful it is to see you jump straight back into the forums and be so active :)
I really really loved this. I think you've done an amazing job. I love how the similes you used relate to the other Black family members. The mix between using short sentences and long work so well and pack so much punch to the pain Sirius has gone through. It was so sad to read that Sirius was hiding so much under the laughter at Hogwarts.
The part where James finds out is my favourite. It was such a powerful moment in their friendship, it only made them stronger, and you wrote it so well, I'm really impressed.
Actually, I've decided Sirius telling Snape about the Shrieking Shack is actually my favourite part. This story gets better! The language turned really dark and you used strong amazing words to show that, coming back to refering to Snape as a snake. And this! Just a monster masquerading in human skin. I love it so much! There's actually so many more lines I could pull out but then this review would just be me repeating the story back to you.
Argh and that ending! Incredible! You've moved me. Really captured the inner conflict that Sirius lives with and it ends so powerfully that I can forgive you for it being a sad ending.
Great work!
Author's Response:Hello once more. I'm glad to see you think me worthy of forgiveness. Although you really should have expected that. Angst was what I was known for on HPFF. Was two years soon enough to forget? I've written maybe one fic that excludes that. I have a trend I'm following. Gotta keep up that reputation.
Anyway, thanks for popping in!
Hey!
First of all, this is amazingly dark and powerfully upsetting--the parallels drawn to how both words (Sirius' unfortunate experience with his awful parents) and silence (the way no one -- his brother, his cousins -- does anything (says anything) to help him) and how the two can be equally damaging is moving. The nod to Gryffindor with people trying to take away Sirius' fire was also appreciated--it created a strong image of who Sirius is and what he's fighting against. It's heartbreaking to see that he hides his pain behind the jokes and smiles so that his friends won't see. I really like the theory intertwined here that Sirius transposes his anger at his family onto Snape and that the Whomping Willow incident was spurred by Snape lashing out at one of his friends (which, by extension, may have very well been lashing out at Sirius, himself). And as Sirius slowly succumbs to his madness, you capture his essence extremely well.
Excellent job!
-Rumpels
Author's Response:Hey, Rumpels! Thank you for the review!
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