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This is really beautiful and says a whole lot about the things we want, and whether we want things as they are or want them if only we could force them to be a certain way. Like a person you know you’d never work with, but in the dreamscape where things can be however you imagine them, it works. And I especially love the line, “I know not what I want - you as you are or me as I imagine.” Like something has to change in order for these two to work. Or there’s something in the other person that makes the narrator feel a certain way, and maybe they just want that feeling more than the person -- they like who they feel they could be with that other person.
<3 Melanie
Ravenclaw
2020 HC Finale - Broom Racing
Ahh, we don’t see enough of George and Angelina’s young family. Angelina seems to have a certain appreciation and respect for her “precious, trying, contrarian children” -- they have some strong personalities, and Angie knows what’s up and what will and won’t work. I kind of love that she’s unabashedly not above bribing them with ice cream. Whatever works, right? And Roxanne is a spark plug, and I also kind of love how Fred is not to be distracted by silly things like ice cream, this is about the principle of the thing, mom.
<3 Melanie
Ravenclaw
2020 HC Finale - Broom Racing
There’s so much personality in this, it’s bitter and searing, and it hints at a lot of complicated dynamics and history even if we don’t know exactly what’s going on. The idea of not being appreciated for who you are, of being a disappointment somehow from even the day you were born, flawed when you were born, and being expected to live up to something -- a person you didn’t even know. It makes you think a lot about whether the act of naming a child after a person can, itself, communicate expectations to them and set them up for feelings of disappointment without those expectations even being verbalized. Rose has some jagged edges here and I love it.
<3 Melanie
Ravenclaw
2020 HC Finale - Broom Racing
I played this game SO MUCH when I was younger.
Okay, this is hysterical. First of all, love the little kids dynamic, the dialogue is perfect, the teasing, and they’re so intrigued by the game while at the same time realizing how utterly weird it is. I love how Arthur enchanted it and the little people keep trying to get out of the cars (but not the wheel, because YES that clicking noise is iconic and even Arthur knows not to mess with it).
But also, omg the satire here. The quip about insurance and how all the kids react to what it is. XD
And yes, Lucy. The game of life ends when you die. That’s it. You keep driving around, trying to get out of the damn car, and then finally you die.
/cynicism
<3 Melanie
Ravenclaw
2020 HC Finale - Broom Racing
Hi Sam!
I really like seeing Ginny depicted with insecurities, won’t lie, because she’s always presented as very strong and sure of herself, but I mean… everyone has insecurities, and it’s okay to have them. It’s unrealistic for someone to be confidence and fierce all the time -- even if the only times their insecurities come out is when they’re totally alone with their thoughts. I have a lot of thoughts about how the prototypical “strong female character” can set up a lot of unfair expectations for girls and women in real life, but we’ll leave those for another day.
Anyway, I like how this sort of took a turn into something I was not expecting or anticipating, which was that Ginny’s nerves are not about her Quidditch talents, but about her ability to navigate a tight-knit group of women socially if she makes it onto this team and accepts their offer.
In the wrong hands I feel this idea could have veered into the dreaded “All my friends are guys, girls just don’t like me for some reason” territory, but it didn’t come off that way here. There is a certain dynamic Ginny has learned to navigate her whole life, and the differences in social interactions are real (even if they’re only real because society created them that way).
I suspect Ginny will fit in more easily than she thinks. Ginny is actually incredibly tactful and always came off as a women-supporting-women character to me (her initial attitude towards Fleur aside).
<3 Melanie
Ravenclaw
2020 HC Finale - Broom Racing
THIS. IS ADORABLE.
It’s funny how once you get in the habit of doing something in one aspect of your life -- a lot of times because of your job -- your brain starts subconsciously trying to apply it to other things. Like Lee just naturally and absently narrating the goings-on around him in his mind, even his own actions (“Jordan takes possession of the Quidditch stands,” ha). I enjoyed the observation about how regular Quidditch matches just aren’t cutting it in the excitement department after all the wild things that have happened since Harry Potter came to school.
Anyway, the real star of this little fic, the moment between Cedric and Cho, and how it’s a quiet, understated moment in contrast to the excitement and activity of a Quidditch match, but somehow it’s so much more interesting, and how adorable that Lee is watching them in this way that is vaguely curious, wondering if it’s some post-match drama, but then ultimately cheering for them (Lee ships Cedric/Cho, I love it).
Blargh. This is what fic is for. So cute.
<3 Melanie
Ravenclaw
2020 HC Finale - Broom Racing
Hi Sam!
Weasleys at the Space Needle, haha, the concept is adorable, and I am also low key nervous for the city of Seattle in general.
There’s something so funny and relatable about Fred, who is every child who’s ever gone to something that’s supposed to be really exciting and impressive and is like, “Meh” -- or any adult, tbh, who gets worked up about going to see a sight and then gets there and after five seconds is like, “Ok, I guess we’re done here.”
Also, some things clearly will always be the same for Muggle and magical kids, like the love of rockets and Santa.
<3 Melanie
Ravenclaw
2020 HC Finale - Broom Racing
Hey there!
I'm here to drop off a review for the CDMC - Round 3 event! Congratulations on your nomination for the FROGs!
This was a really interesting little piece. I was amazed at the way the tone of this story progressed. At first, I thought it was about a father leaving his family. Then it became a bit happier and I thought it was a reflection on a man preparing to take his kids on a trip. Then something about the knives and the panic attack made me wonder if he didn't intend to murder his children and partner on this family trip. It was really creepy and intriguing going through so many different feelings. I think this view of it might have been influenced by the fact that I just watched a documentary on murder, so it was kind of in my head as I was reading.
I really liked the ending. It was vague enough to allow one to sort of come up with the scenario they want, but regardless of the scenario chosen, it makes sense that the father would feel super conflicted. Clearly, he's having a lot of anxiety about what he's going to do in the morning. You can see him struggling with the fact that he's been damaged in the past and worrying that he's going to repeat that damage with his own children. I feel like that's really accurate to abuse survivors.
Good job!
~Kaitlin
Hi Sam! I’m here for CMDC Round 3 :D
I’m constantly amazed by how it’s possible to say so much with so little. You start out with this nice picture of a father getting ready to take his family on a trip. That should be a nice thing. And then you unravel the happy picture and turn it on its head—because when you have PTSD that’s how life works. You’re going along, minding your own business, and then suddenly you get the legs kicked out from under you and you’re right back when all the horror happened.
I think it’s so important that this young man is trying to be different. He’s even adopted a different paternal name—Pa rather than Dad. He’s trying to be different and I hope so much that he will be different. Just in the striving and the desire to strive is a good start.
You did a great job making me feel the man’s anxiety. I hope he is able to find peace.
Nice work!
Yours,
Noelle
Hey Sam!
I don't know much I excepted given the warning marked but it wasn't this. I'm so impressed by this piece because it's so heartbreaking. I've noticed this in moth&flame in particular but you're very good at getting the heart of things and playing on emotions of faceless characters like you don't put labels/looks/names to these characters but somehow I find that more powerful and poignant in your writing. It is a talent writer who can really achieve that.
I feel for this guy. He is obviously caring about his own family. I think he is trying very hard to let his past define what he has now. He wants to be different or 'not the same' as what he has experienced before. It seems important to him that things aren't associated with his childhood. I think he has obviously gone crumbling backwards when he has remembered what things use to be like. In such a short amount of words you've really been able to give us a few important details but like it's subtle things but it's also screaming so loud. I don't know if that means any sense :P
congratulations on your nomination for best drabble, it's a must deserved nomination.
Abbi xx
CMDC round 3
Hi, Sam. This story is full of mystery. I have so many questions around the protagonist's family he grew up in. Did his Pa do something terrible to him or the other members of his family in his younger days? Why does he prepare for carrying the knives for the first family trip? It seemes that he cherishes his family now at least. I hope that he will never do harm to his chldren or his wife.
It's very intriguing since you didn't reveal much to us. Did you stop there before telling the truth intentionally? Even if his Pa (or Dad, I am not sure which is which ) were a bad man, I guess the protagonist will be (I really hope) a good man for his family now. Two fixed blades... sounds so scary with dark mood, you were going to make this story horror, Sam? By reading this one shot over and over again, mystery is happening.
K
Howdy!
So I was certain I reviewed this already - so certain in fact that I linked to the reviews for it. #fail
In any event, I thought this story was incredibly powerful. You do such an amazing job of drafting a character who has experienced both emotional (and I believe physical) trauma and as a result is experiencing emotional trauma and after-effects in the present. I think the fact that you chose the preparation for a family trip rather than the actual trip or other interaction between his wife and/or child makes it have more of an impact because it allows us to get more inside his head and see the actual fears that have been created by the trauma in more detail. What should be an occasion where the biggest concern is leaving on the coffee-maker, he is terrified he's going to hurt someone or that they will hurt him and/or his family.
The ending that connects it all the fears and other emotions to the titular self-assurance that he's not the same as his father and that this trip won't turn out the same way feels like the perfect way to close this out. It's really incredible the way you presented it in just 180-ish words.
Thanks for sharing!
Hi Sam!
So, wow. This is powerful and painful all in less than 200 words, and it’s so so emotional. Your writing is always stunning, but the drabble format really requires a specific skill set and especially knowledge of word economy, which you have absolutely nailed here. This young father being extremely anxious about this first family trip is expertly displayed through his checking of the bags he’s probably already checked twelve times, and his worry about it being a *family* trip with their young child, rather than just a trip as a couple is poignant. And then the sentences about the knives. Oh, the knives. Five knives. For what I assume is probably a camping trip of some sort, that’s just, wow. I don’t even know what words to describe how those lines make me feel, but just know that it’s a lot and it’s powerful. The memory he recalls about the last family trip he was on is extremely heartbreaking and the effects it clearly had on him growing up into an adult and the way it’s manifested with his own family now. The implications are clear but also still subtle enough to almost the reader with more pain than if it was an explicit statement? I don’t know if that really makes sense, but whatever, it’s what I’m going with and you can take it as you will. :P Great job with this drabble, Sam!
~Madi
CMDC Round 3
Hi Sam! Here for CMDC Round 3!
This is so chilling and thought-provoking. On the one hand, I feel so frustrated reading it because I wish I had more information and more context, but on the other hand, I’m sure this was intentional and you wanted the reader to have to fill in the blanks? Because there are all sorts of terrible answers we can imagine here.
The introduction of the knife early on sort of made me tense up, and it served as a sort of misdirection before the actual meaning revealed itself to us. And we’re not sure what he’s protecting his family from, or whether it’s subconscious need to protect himself.
I also like how - in my opinion -- the line “He wasn’t the same” seems susceptible of more than one interpretation. It could mean that he wasn’t the same as his own father, but it could also mean that he wasn’t the same as he used to be when he was younger, when he was victimized.
Melanie
Hi Sam!
Ugh, I'm so glad that you're sharing your original fiction on the archives. Every piece of it that I've read has been so powerful. This one was no different - that ending was like a punch to the stomach.
I loved the way that you opened this story, with something that's seemingly so mundane. The packed bags, the sleeping family, ready to go off on holiday. The fact that it was the protagonist's first holiday as a father seems like it should be something really happy and exciting for him, albeit mixed in with some trepidation (I'm not a parent, but that would be normal enough, right?). The shift from the opening which should have been about something happy and exciting told me really quickly that there wasn't something entirely right about this situation, and it's way beyond the normal fear and anxieties of a parent taking their child on holiday.
The mention of the knife that he was folding immediately put me on edge. I don't know if it was your intention, but the first sentence which introduced the knife made me scared that he was planning on using it against his family. I'm so pleased that wasn't the case, but the reality was horribly dark, anyway.
I felt so sorry for the protagonist when he was counting the knives and trying to work out whether that seemed like enough - obviously enough to protect his family from harm, rather than anything more sinister. That was an immediate indication of the sort of heartbreak and trauma that he must have been through, but the way that you moved on from that gave us more of an idea. There's obviously a lot of trauma buried deep here, and the fact that family holidays bring up such terrible memories for him shows how hard this must be. Of course there's excitement there to take his family away, but it also evokes a lot of pain.
The ending - I felt so badly for him. I really wanted to give him a massive hug while the panic rose. You captured the anxiety and the visceral reaction so well. The repetition of 'He wasn't the same' was so effective, too. I loved the way that we could see he'd drawn distinctions between himself and his father, and that he wanted to be a different person, but that the repetition of that phrase was a desperate attempt to convince himself that he wasn't the same person as his father. This was such a heartbreaking and poignant piece of writing!
Sian :)
Hey, Sam! I'm here for the CDC reviewing event (round 3)
Woah -- the implications of this are dark and you completely blown the lid off emotional trauma as portrayed via drabble, of all things. At first, when I read the first paragraph, I could only see the surface of exactly what it meant to him to have a perfect family trip. Without context, it's almost as if he's just excited to take his child and wife on their first trip, but once I got into the rest of it, it's painfully clear that his anxiety isn't driven by sheer excitement, but by the need for it to be different of his own experience.
Along the same note, because of his trauma, this need to protect his family is coming through with incredible strength. It's to the point where he is obsessing over the details of their protection, because it HAS to be different than what happened to him. By the nature of the trauma, he even goes as far as to differentiate himself as a father through what he's called, and all of this (even before we get to where he is breaking down on the floor) have huge red flags that indicate that whatever it was that had happened to him was tramatic enough to severely impact his life. It was enough to impact his life into adulthood, when he could physically separate himself from his experience because he cannot mentally.
And that final line, But he wasn't the same. broke the sound barrier for double-entendre. While he's clearly drawing a line of difference between himself and his own father, there's also implications it also meaning that he wasn't the same in general, as a person, because of what had happened to him and the whole thing feels like a punch to the stomach.
This is incredible and frightening, and just a magnificent feat to have shown in so few words.
-Rumpels
Hey, Sam! I feel like I only ever visit your page during the end-of-year gift-giving season, but I'm back!
I think I have seen WAY too much Criminal Minds, but I was thinking that this was heading the way of a murder-suicide. The first couple of lines made me think that, but then the next few didnt, but then he talks about the KNIVES and I was like :O I KNEW IT WAS GOING TO BE THIS. I'm glad it wasn't, though!
I didn't really feel this character's PTSD, and quite connect with him emotionally. I feel like I would've if this piece was longer, maybe? Do you have any plans to expand it from a drabble?
I DID feel the tension in this, however! That may be because I'd brought a few of my own pre-conceived ideas about what to expect from this, but I was quite tense in a few lines.
Great little bit of microfiction, with some awesome suspense!
x 800
Hey Sam!
Sneaking in one more last minute review for the House Cup Finale 2019! OK. This really is the last one. I swear.
I am constantly amazed by the variety of things that you write. You go from sweet missing family moments in the Potter universe to a very dark John Silver fic with a completely different style...and you do it so flawlessly. Teach me your ways.
I love the repetition of the word Thump throughout this piece. I think it was really haunting and added a lot of emphasis to the things that were happening throughout the fic.
I definitely felt the weight of his choices from the very beginning of the story. I knew that as it progressed his luck would turn...that he would lose the things he'd earned through trickery and callousness. It was still riveting watching everything spiral downwards.
I thought the ending was particularly strong. The line about the shanty melody was very striking and really made me feel for him...even if he was deserving of his end. I do have to wonder though...is the love lost at sea a different woman from the wife who can never forgive him? Did he lose his mistress, but his wife found out and never forgave him his infidelity? DiD he lose a child at sea? I have so many unanswered questions and I'd love to see more in this verse.
Good work!
~Kaitlin
Hey Sam!
Sneaking in one more last minute review for the House Cup Finale 2019! I keep saying that, but the clock is a ticking.
Ooh. This is such a cool piece. I love sentient object narration. It never fails to amaze me the way people make inanimate objects come to life. At first, I thought you were talking about a knife or sword...because it has a blade, but I realized as this continued that this would work well for a wand as well. The way the tool feels the feelings of both the owner and the stranger really made me think of the wandlore in Harry Potter. Cool duality there.
I have to wonder why the owner is handing over such a prized tool. It sounds as if he's never let it go, so it's very intriguing why he should suddenly do so now. Maybe he has been coerced or charmed into doing so?
The ending definitely makes me think of an alternate universe where either Grindelwald or Voldemort managed to get ahold of the Elder Wand. That hunger for more power is very striking and makes me nervous about them possessing this tool, whether it be a sword or a wand. I have the distinct impression that it will turn deadly in their hands.
Good work!
~Kaitlin
Hey Sam!
Sneaking in one more last minute review for the House Cup Finale 2019!
Again, you really capture the dynamics of kids and family so well. You really grasp what kids arguing sounds like. I can imagine them pushing and poking and shoving each other, generally just getting on each other's nerves and the tension slowly building throughout the day. Then Roxanne's threat to finish it which warns that the children are both nearing their limit for bickering...it's all so authentic to the way my friend's children sound when they're annoyed with each other.
Angelina handles it the best way ever...trying to bribe them with ice cream. And it almost works too. It certainly distracts Roxanne, but of course, Freddie doesn't want any. It can never be that simple, can it?
I really, really adore Roxanne's distinction at the end. Of course, she wasn't yelling. She was shouting. I love how in her mind there is a difference...and technically, she's got Angelina on semantics. I definitely had a good giggle reading that bit. I can totally envision some of my friends' children being just as sassy.
What's more impressive is the way you capture this all in just a few words. It feels like a complete scene and it's only a handful of sentences long.
Good work!
~Kaitlin
Hello again Sam!
You know the drill! I'm back for the House Cup Finale 2019!
Wow. This piece went in quite the different direction from all the previous pieces. It's so sad and dark and melancholy and so many things.
I love the way you talk about the naming process. It's interesting to think of her grandmother as having been named after a flower for all of these positive qualities, but then for her to think her being named after her grandmother was because they wished she was someone else. Why not view it as they named her after her grandmother because she too is strong and all these other lovely qualities?
The ending is super ominous, but in a way, I guess it makes her deserving of the name of a flower too. She could be just like nightshade or oleander, beautiful, but deadly. A contradiction. I wonder if the threat is more to protect herself and her insecurities or if she's really deadly like she implies.
This does make me really curious about what has affected the main character's opinion of herself. Is it just her own insecurities or is there something more to it?
Great work on this! Going to try and sneak in a few more chapters before the deadline.
~Kaitlin
Hey Sam, my dearest,
Back for some more of this last-minute review madness for the House Cup finale 2019!
These one-shots have all been so nice. Just lots of cool missing moments from different points in time. In this case, a cute look at all of the Next Gen Weasley children. I really enjoyed the way you wrote their dynamic. It was super balanced and it was nice to see that each kid got a little bit of dialogue or a moment in the story. Very equitable of you.
It's great to see that Arthur has a collection of Muggle board games. I imagine him sitting out in the garage and just staring at the board and examining the pieces. It's perfect.
I love that the kids decided to play the Game of Life. It's very fitting since they know pretty much nothing about the Muggle world. Hugo exemplifies that perfectly in his comment about going down to the village to spend the Muggle money. I just imagine him opening up a wallet full of like brightly colored monopoly money and trying to hand it to the cashier.
I think Louis' comment about it being a stupid game is particularly fitting when considering the game ends with retirement. Definitely not how life works in the real world.
Another lovely chapter! I'll be back for more ASAP.
~Kaitlin
Hey Sam!
I'm here to drop you a review for the House Cup Finale 2019! Would it really be a review event if it wasn't a couple hours to the deadline and me madly flailing around trying to review some of your stories? I think not, so here I am to fulfill that obligation.
OMG. I relate to this story so much. The version of Ginny that you've written...I swear that's exactly how I feel. I grew up playing classically "boy" sports like football and racing motocross and I work in a male dominated industry....so I just never spent a lot of time around women. It's exactly like Ginny in this. And I could see why she'd feel that way. I mean she grows up with all brothers and then she goes to war and is around a lot more guys than women. It seems a natural inference that she would never really learn how to interact with women.
One thing I'm sure of though is that the women on the Holyhead Harpies will respect her for the same reason that men respect her. If she's the strongest version of herself that she can be, I'm sure they'll find a place for her. I mean, obviously they wouldn't invite her to try out if they didn't think she was going to fit.
I do like that you showed a moment of vulnerability and doubt for her. Often, I find her character is written as unfailingly fierce 100% of the time and while I think it's cool to write fierce women, I think it's inhuman and one note to not give them any moments of doubt or concern. You balanced that really nicely here.
Good work on this chapter! If you don't know by now, I'll be over to the next one in just a moment.
~Kaitlin
Hey Sam!
I'm back further review for house cut finale 2019!
Ooh a Quidditch story! I really enjoyed that you decided to tell this from the perspective of a jaded Lee Jordan. I can see how a regular game wouldn't be very exciting after everything that's happened in the last few years. Especially when you consider this isn't even a very exciting game. I mean it sounds like Ravenclaw completely flattened Hufflepuff.
I really enjoyed Lee's internal monologue. It's amusing to see him imagining different scenarios between the various players. I hope he didn't say any of it out loud as I doubt Professor McGonagall would approve of him drifting off on the job. She seems to take Quidditch very seriously regardless of how exciting a game is or not.
When Cedric and Cho first walked onto the field I wasn't sure what was going to happen. I like that you decided to tell this moment through Lee's eyes. It gives the whole thing a different perspective. It gives a nice image of how nervous Cedric was to ask Cho out. Since we only ever see him through Harry's eyes, he always seems so confident, but here you show him as more of a real person.
Nice job on this. I'll be over to the next chapter soon.
~Kaitlin
Hey Sam!
I'm here for the house cup finale 2019! It's been too long since I've caught up on your writing, so here I am. Sian tells me You wanted me to stop reviewing so you don't have to do more this evening. I wish I could acquiesce but what sort of Gryffindor would I be if I did?
This one-shot is really cute. I love seeing Freddie as a child and I picture him exactly as energetic as you've portrayed him. I can just imagine him running around pretending to be a rocket. I think that's something a lot of kids do.
Poor Victoire trying to keep him calm and from embarrassing her at her internship is also perfect. She used an impressive piece of logic there to convince him to get on the elevator. It's true that rockets have to be wheeled around until they get shot out of the canon or whatever shoots off rockets.
I suppose once someone is accustomed to flying on a broom stick a tall building probably doesn't seem that impressive. I mean there's no wind whirring through his hair and all the buildings are just holding still. Victoire tried though.
It's cute that as Victoire tries to get him to go home, he sees Santa Claus and gets excited. I mean, what kid can resist Santa? Poor Victoire I can feel her exasperation at this new development. Hopefully, after Freddie got his picture with Santa he calmed down a bit more.
Good work on this! I'm off to check out the next chapter now.
~Kaitlin
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