Name: Owlpost68 (Signed) · Date: 23 Aug 2021 03:34 PM · For: Chapter 1

I cannot even express how much I love this one shot. Is there any more with these characters? I like that your character came from France and continued that prejudice we see in HP4 about half giants. It also makes sense that Sirius would know French. That seems like the kind of thing Purebloods would do and their family modo is in French "Toujour Pur". I took French in school and it seems right, the translation. It's been a while but I think it was really well done.

Peter's dad is an Unspeakable and works in the Department where the Time-Turners are?!!! Brilliant! This is completely canon for me now and no one can tell me otherwise. I talked to my husband about this and we got into a whole discussion about what Peter was up to in HP3. Did he ever sneak into Hermione's bag and go back in time with her? Anyway. That was a great idea.

I was completely taken in with the Time-Turner breaking and the vortex. I felt like it was just as jarring as it would be actually being a dream. I LOVED the idea they went back before Hogwarts was even built. And the Dragon was great too. 

Just one typo note. There was a spot where you used  "Them" twice. The first should be "They":

"But I suppose even them--"

Overall, this is now one of my absolute favorites. Great job!

Author's Response:

Hi, Heather! Thank you for stopping by! :)

I'm so glad you enjoyed this one-shot, it is one I had a lot of fun with! ;) And no, unfortunately I don't have other stories with them... but a longer story of the adventures of Colette and Davey is definitely on my writing wishilist... maybe one day, who can tell... :P

So glad the French seemed good, too. I took French in middle school as well, but I forgot it all. I think I would be able to read it (it is pretty similar to Italian, which helps) but I definitely can't speak it, and I need a vocabulary (or a lot of google help) if I want to write it... anyway... :P

Ahahah! I didn't really think much of it, it just worked for the plot of this particular story... (actually, my headcanon for Peter is that his dad somehow got on Voldemort's path and that he was killed before Peter was born...) but I like your idea of Peter/Scabbers profiting of Hermione's Time-Turner in PoA... it's an interesting idea... :P

Glad you liked the Time-Turner breaking and them being thrust to before Hogwarts was built... and the dragon/dinosaur... :P fortunately it was just a dream, am I right? :P

Ah, yes, you're right... thanks for the grammar note... ;)

Thank you so much for reviewing! :D

Name: Oregonian (Signed) · Date: 01 May 2021 03:10 PM · For: Chapter 1

Hi, Chiara!

 

I searched through your author page to find the story with the fewest reviews (not many stories here with few reviews!) and landed on this cute piece of fluff from several years back.  It's just charming in its light, whimsical tone, but below the surface it's so well crafted that it deserves re-reading, just to study how you achieved the effect.

 

Each person is introduced with just one or a few sentences that capture their essence perfectly --- Colette, her father, Edith, Dave, and the four Marauders.  Another writer might have devoted more page space to each of them, but that would have sounded more ponderous, slowing the narrative without adding anything of value.

 

I love your phrase concerning the Marauders -- "...this rare, and hopefully bound for extinction, species."  That says it all in just eight words.

 

And throughout the story, there's not a single superfluous word to drag down the narrative.  Example: "Potter is grinning like mad, Pettigrew seems faintly embarrassed, and Lupin sighs and shakes his head." The reactions of three people in one sixteen-word sentence tell us all we need to know about what is about to happen.

 

The description of what Sirius plans to do is whimsical because it is so off-the-wall implausible, and your way of showing Coletter's reaction to it, the single line of unspoken thoughts (Please, Dave... Say no... Say no, say no, say no...) conveys her opinion of it perfectly. 

 

All the rest of the story shows this same sparing use of words that tightens and sharpens the narrative, making the story stand out in bold relief.  

 

I have achieved this same effect on occasions when I had a word-limit, and after realizing, to my dismay, that I had written beyond the word limit, I had to go back, cut out all the unnecessary words, condense two mushy sentences into one crisp sentence, and end up with a much better story where the main points stood out clearly. (I wondered if you wrote this story with a definite word-limit also.)

 

The sudden appearance of the enormous creature who wasn't there a moment ago is so typical of dreams. Something or someone instantly appears, or the scene suddenly shifts.  We are terrified, but we cannot move.  The gaping, tooth-filled jaws are about to bite down on us, and our brain forces us to wake up.

 

Usually at this point we are just thankful to find ourselves safe in our own beds at home.  But you cleverly end your story with the Marauders again, this time in real life, not a dream, proposing an innocent game with a 'twist', hopefully not to include a time-turner.   

 

So this was a fun story, very easy to read because of your excellent choices in sentence structure and your pleasing characterizations of Colette and Dave, who are new characters.  (I know that Dave is in canon, but I don't think we know much about him.)

 

Thank you for writing!

 

Vicki

 

 

Author's Response:

Hey, Vicki! Thank you for stopping by! :D

I'm so glad you liked this little one-shot and its light, whimsical tone! :D It's kind of silly, but I did have a lot of fun with it! :D

So glad you enjoyed the quick introductions of the various characters and that you felt I captured their essence well, even if in a short space (yes, I was working on a word limit... this was written for a HC event on HPFF and we have a maximum of 2000 words, so I had to keep it essential... but I guess my writing tends to be essential in any case... :P)

Glad you liked that phrase to describe the Marauders, I am quite proud of that one! :P

Ahahah! That was quite implausible... and Colette is clearly not impressed... :P

Yes, I was really trying to convey the dream-like situation... the dinosaur sudden appear, the inability to move, etc... :P Poor Colette, what a nightmare... :P

But of course the Marauders come over again, this time for real, with another mischievous plan... ;)

So glad you enjoyed reading this! And my introduction/characterization of Colette and Dave! (I've always been fascinated by this Davey Gudgeon who almost lost an eye with the Whomping Willow, so I had to give him some more history, right? :P)

Thank you so much for the lovely review! <3

Name: Stella Blue (Signed) · Date: 02 Dec 2018 04:31 PM · For: Chapter 1

CHIARA HI ♥ I'm so glad there is a story about Davey Gudegon's misguided attempt to touch the Whomping Willow. Not much is ever said about this character in canon but you know he has to be quite a character. So, I'm glad you've told his story here!

 

the Sorting Hat was drunk  -- I know this was an exaggeration and a throwaway line but can you please write this story? :P I mean seriously, what does that hat do to entertain itself for the other 364 days a year? Don't try to tell me it's not getting drunk with Fawkes in Dumbledore's study. Or even just having a nightcap. #puns

 

And Lupin's eyebrows are by now ready to reach the ionosphere. -- XD I love this mental image

 

I feel like I have no right to be surprised by this considering my own characters, but I can't believe they stole a time-turner from the Department of Mysteries! XD Also HOW does Dave not see that the Marauders are up to no good with randomly suggesting this sketchy hopscotch? He should be watching Remus' eyebrows because that will tell him all he needs to know.

 

AHAHAHA this is... 100% not what I expected when I started reading this story. OH MY GOD ARE THOSE DINOSAURS? (Is it a Voldemortyrannosaurus rex? I had to ask) Bahaha and just as I was thinking this was getting really silly, it all turned out to be a dream XD

 

I actually thought this fic was going to be about his Whomping Willow incident and it actually had nothing to do with that, but it's so funny that that incident was not a one-off bad decision, he just does this sort of thing all the time! :'D WHAT IS INVOLVED IN HIDE AND SEEK. I hesitate to ask. *Looks towards Remus' eyebrows*

 

This fic was so much fun and I'm so glad I read it. ALSO, I did it! I have now read ad reviewed everything on your AP. You know what that means? Time for a new chapter of Jimmy sometime soon, right? ;)

 

Love you! Snowball hug!

Author's Response:

Kristin!!! Hello again, my love!!!

For some reason, I've always been curious about Davey Gudgeon since Remus mentions him in PoA. It's really just that little mention in the books, but yeah, he had to be quite the character, and I had a bit too much fun coming up with this little adventure for him. ;)

Ahahah! Guess I might actually write a story about the Hat getting drunk with Fawkes sometimes... just so I could make it a little present for you... :P Or you could write one, I'm sure it would be awesome! :D

Ahahah! I'm quite proud of that sentence... :P

Ahahah! Yes, I forgot that your characters have a history for stealing from the Department of Mysteries (or at least, Marta does... :P) Ahahah! Dave should really watch Remus' eyebrows more closely... :P

Of course it was a Voldemortyrannosaurus rex! Are you really asking? :P (This story does have a lot in common with your Mary Sue one, now that you mention it... :P)

You don't want to know what's involved with hide and seek... :P

Yes, you have read everything on my AP! And I adore you for that! There is a new chapter of Jimmy waiting for you, though (and hopefully the last two will be up soon as well... I have the drafts already written, I just need to share with/hear from my betas and make the last edits...)

Snowball hug, dearest!

Chiara

Name: justawillowtree (Signed) · Date: 03 Apr 2018 01:45 PM · For: Chapter 1

Hi Chiara! I’m helping out the newsletter crew with their review owed to you for nominating in the past. <3

 

I wasn’t sure what to read on your AP, since I’ve already reviewed most of your recent stories (and you mentioned before that you wanted to edit Two Lilies, I think), so I picked this one! It sounded cute and fluffy and humorous, and it’s exactly what I need on this gloomy spring day. (Why is there half a foot of snow on the ground in spring. Why. It makes me sad just looking at it.)

 

My first thought after reading this is: Whoa, French. I love French, it’s a beautiful language. (Do you know it? I was super impressed after reading this, because you were writing complete sentences.)

 

My second thought is: THIS IS ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS, AND I AM SO GLAD I PICKED IT.

 

Colette is a wonderful narrator. Her backstory is really interesting (though she has a bit of a prejudiced father, I see), and her hilarious exchange in French with Sirius was really fun, too, even though I didn’t understand any of it until I read the author’s note, haha. I loved her descriptions of all the characters, especially the Marauders. This line had me cracking up, haha-- “There are four specimen of this rare, and hopefully bound for extinction, species.”

 

Hahaha.

 

What vivid dreams she has! I was totally not expecting that. She has a really active imagination, if she’s able to come up with the Marauders’ special version of Hopscotch like that. (Which actually sounds really fun! If I were Dave, I would probably want to play it, too, as dangerous as it sounds.) I find it really funny that she thinks Dave is too much of an imbecile to be in Ravenclaw, and that his acceptance of the Marauders’ challenge is pretty much proof of that. When they were zapped back to before Hogwarts’ time, I was so shocked, and also stressed out for them. Because how were they going to get back??

 

Thankfully, it was all a dream. But the ending made me laugh so much! Sirius coming over and actually proposing another children’s game, that will almost surely have a twist to it...

 

This is such a wonderful one-shot, Chiara! <3

 

~Eva

Author's Response:

Hey, Eva, honey!

Ah, I got so, so bad at replying at reviews... but I decided I'd reply to a couple tonight (even if there are a lot of more urgent things I should do... but this has been standing unanswered for 2 months? How is that even possible?!)

Happy that you picked this story, I did have fun writing it. It was for a House Cup on HPFF and the theme was sports and games and I was inspired to write hilarious things. I should try to do that more often, probably... :P

I studied French in middle school... but sadly I've forgotten it all... I mean, I can understand most of it if I read (it's pretty similar to Italian, which helps) and I think I can put together very basic sentences, but I definitely can't speak it.

So glad you like Colette, she is a fun one (I love sassy narrators, don't you?) I did have fun writing her exchange with Sirius, and her description of the Marauders, too. :P And yes, I love that line! :D

That was quite a vivid dream, yeah... I love writing dreams... it would be quite a huge mess if it had all been true, wouldn't it? And yes, she does question poor Dave's intelligence... (and probably she has good reason for it...) :P

So glad you enjoyed the ending! Maybe Colette has prophetic dreams, like your Victoire? It's a possibility...

So happy you enjoyed reading this, love! <3

Name: Aphoride (Signed) · Date: 19 Dec 2017 02:33 PM · For: Chapter 1

Hey Chiara! :) So apparently I hadn't been to your page in a while as when I hopped onto it, I didn't recognise this story - and so I just had to stop by. Also, I've never seen a story even involving Davey Gudgeon before, so I couldn't resist :P 

 

I love the way you start this - it reminds me so much of a play, with how it runs through the characters at the beginning, giving short descriptions of each one, before the actual story starts. It's not my favourite trope, I admit, but you use it so well here, and it really actually fits with Colette's voice. Colette is such a great character - I love how she seems to have a bit of a crush on James, really dislikes Sirius and his insistence on talking to her, how everyone thinks he's so handsome, how he sucks Davey into his games and tricks and things which are always that bit dangerous. It's interesting and refreshing to see a character who has no romantic hidden feelings for Sirius and thinks he's a jerk at the same time :P Plus it gives her a really strong voice: protective of Davey, disdainful of Sirius and the kind of background he comes from, irritated and admiring of James. 

 

I really wasn't expecting the twist in this, haha - I was thinking oh no, what are they going to do now? She's gonna actually kill Sirius if/when they get back, how do they get out of this - and then you throw that curveball! Though it's probably better for her and poor Davey... 

 

I loved the touch of the French, by the way, and the mentions of how 'esteemed pureblood families are obsessed with French', haha - it's actually part of my headcanon for a bunch of them too, so it fits in nicely :P 

 

Your writing in this is so good! You write action so well - you have such a good pace, and the short, sharp sentences needed for it, for Colette's hostility towards Sirius, for the younger, lighter voice, and the whole action sequence with them and the time turner and the games, works so well with your writing. Your dialogue, as always, is so so strong as well. 

 

This was a lovely one-shot and a great read! :) 

 

Aph xx

Author's Response:

Laura! Hello, my dear! So happy you decided to stop by and take a peek at this! :)

Glad you enjoyed the initial introductions. :) It's not something I normally do, but I thought it worked with the humorous tone of the story, and I'm glad you enjoyed it even if it isn't something you particularly like in general. Also, I'm so happy you liked Colette as a character! :)

Ahahah! Yes, in most stories everyone tends to be in love with Sirius, but for some reason it's something that I've never written... don't ask me why... I never really wrote someone in love with James, either, except Lily, and Colette's slight attraction for James isn't something that was there in my first writing of this story, but for some reason I thought it would be something nice to add. I'm happy you liked it. :)

Ahahah! Definitely better to be dreaming it all! ;) I bet she would kill Sirius if it had been real and they somehow escaped... I think she would kill Sirius anyway, actually! :P

Oh, so glad you liked the French bits, and that you share my headcanon about pureblood society and French. :D

Ah, so glad you thought I wrote action well and that the pace and the style in general was good! Thank you so much!

Thanks again for the wonderful review!

Much love,

Chiara

Name: victoria_anne (Signed) · Date: 20 May 2017 03:44 AM · For: Chapter 1

Seriously, Chi, where have you been hiding all these stories?!?!

I love how Dave is described. Seriously so cute and funny. I can't believe someone with the nickname Daredevil Dave isn't in Gryffindor!

This: There are four specimen of this rare, and hopefully bound for extinction, species. Hilarious! And I love the little exchange in French :P

This was so hilarious Chi. Where do you come up with all of these amazing ideas? The time turner hopscotch is such a terrifying idea, and I hate to think of what happens when Dave plays hide and seek...

Thou art so talented, little Chi <3

 

Author's Response:

Hey B! :D

I haven't been hiding them... this and The Flobberworm Race were written for the House Cup on HPFF and were posted as chapters in a site-wide collab... but I think I already told you on Skype... but my pc is full of half projects and ideas, maybe one day I'll show you... :P

So glad you liked Dave! :D One of my fantasies is to write a longer story featuring him and Colette. Yeah, I see your point, but I guess he is reckless in a scientific way... like, he wants to experiment things, and that's very Ravenclaw. (Okay, I just made up this explaination, but I quite like it).

Ahahah! Yeah, I love that line, too! :P Glad you liked the French bits as well!

So glad you liked this! I actually don't know where the idea came from, but I'm happy you liked it! And I really don't want to know what happens when he plays hide and seek...

Thank you so much for the lovely review, little B!