Name: dirtydeedsdonedirtcheap (Signed) · Date: 19 Jun 2017 05:10 PM · For: Transition

Hey hey! Here to review your challenge entry. 

“I’m sorry I called you useless,” said Mafalda finally.

“You didn’t,” replied Flora surprised.

“I didn’t say that out loud, no.”

The above made me snort. 

I have to be honest I was a bit confused while reading the story. I thought the characterization of Malfada was done really well. You made her quite the well rounded character. She's a bit annoying though. A bit of a know it all. I don't think I'd get along with her if I knew her. There's just something about her that makes you dislike her, which I think you were going for that in your authors note so job well done. 

The transitions could have been handled better I think that's why I was confused. It was a lot of new information to take in and you went from the bike, to the sorting, to the forest, etc. etc etc. 

Concerning the section about the car--because this is my main focus here with the challenge--I felt like you could have offered me more. It just felt like the story ended and that was that. Like something was missing. I would have liked to read more about her trying to drive the car or a deeper look into her trying to teach them how to drive the car. 

Thank you for entering my challenge! The winners will be announced in a few days!

Author's Response:

Hi! First of all, thank you for the challenge, I really enjoyed writing my entry.

I know the little snippets that made up the story were quite separate without a smooth transition between them, I’m sorry that confused you. That’s a mistake I keep making, I have too many information in a too small space. Maybe I’ll come back to the story and work more on this aspect.

Thank you for saying something positive (I got the characterization right, yeay ;) and yes, I’m also annoyed by Mafalda, that’s why she was so much fun to write about) even though you did not like the main scene about the car. I guess my story was more focused on Mafalda’s plan to open a store with Muggle objects.

As for the ending I was first thinking that I would decide for what happens to her (how Snape handles discovering her, and if Bellatrix also discovers her), but then I decided to leave it open.

 

Thank you again for the review and for the whole challenge!

Name: Felpata_Lupin (Signed) · Date: 18 Jun 2017 12:16 PM · For: Transition

Hi, Vilja. I'm here with your requested review. Sorry it took so long...

This was interesting, I find Mafalda's origins very intriguing, I really like the idea of the daughter of two Squibs being magical and ending up in Slytherin. I really enjoyed the first scene in the playground, when her father realizes she's a witch. I also really liked the descriptions in that first scene.

I was a little bit confused about dates and ages, but I think I figured it out, maybe? Did Mafalda for some reason start Hogwarts when she was older than eleven? Like, she should've started in Harry's fourth year and started in his sixth instead? Why would that happen? I'm curious. (And if I misunderstood it all, I'm sorry).

Mafalda is kind of annoying, actually, but I love that she actually has some Ravenclaw in her, you can clearly see the traits of both houses. She also seems the kind of person who would let their curiosity get them into trouble... I wonder if that did happen to her...

I read the review Abbi left you, and I have to agree that the story feels a bit incomplete, like we get a lot of information about Mafalda and everything going on around her, but we don't really know what to do with that information... if that makes sense? I think I told you something similar about another of your stories... obviously, this is only my feeling and you are totally free to disagree with me.

One thing I really liked (in this story as well as in other of your works) is your attention to details and making everything fit in canon. It really shows how much effort you put in your plotting and I really admire that.

So sorry again for the long wait, it really was a crazy period for me...

Much love,
Chiara

Author's Response:

Hi Chiara, Thank you for the review (a good review is never late, it always makes me happy), and I also apologize for the late response.

I’m glad you found the story interesting, to be honest I first though of the idea that the child of the accountant Squib in the Weasley family would be magical, then I researched the issue, and found that Rowling had the same idea even though she did not include it in the books.

You are right in the ages, Mafalda was twelve when she showed magic, I included this in the end notes, as I was also suspecting that this might be confusing. The reason for this is that I wanted a story that takes place during HBP, and I needed Mafalda to be first year – I did not want to alter her birth year given by Rowling, so I decided she would be someone who shows magic later in life than usual (according to Rowling that’s possible).

You are probably right that I (here and generally) have an information issue, I want to tell too many things in too little space.

Oh, and I’m so glad you appreciate my effort to make my stories fit in canon, I indeed work a lot on that.

Thank you again for stopping by, you comments were very helpful!