Name: 800 words of heaven (Signed) · Date: 31 Mar 2018 01:11 AM · For: The Gathering Storm

*Transferred from HPFF*

 

Heya! I'm here for our review swap!

 

Oh em gee, why didn't I find this story earlier? I'm only a few paragraphs and I'm already in love. I love love LOVE your descriptions! I am actually ridiculously envious of them, because they are just so cool and amazing. One that especially stands out so far is that of Aurora's scar. Amazing. It was like you were describing a river or canyon. Too cool.

 

a hangover effect of being born in a country that wonderfully mixed emotional restraint with self-loathing. There's just something so British about this line, as well as a little bit sad.

 

Or, I don’t know, dabbling in black market floo powder. I hope Theo remains his wonderful self throughout the story. I hope he is in the rest of the story. He's a treasure so far.

 

OMG of course Dr Theodore Morgan has a white twirling moustache. I wouldn't expect any less.

 

I'm sort of sad that we won't be seeing the Far East in this story. Maybe in Aurora's recollections however? I'd love to read about the way magic would work there.

 

a make-believe swashbuckling pirate playing in caves This sounds like an amazing job description, just saying.

 

a mass grave of insects on the window sill, party amongst stubbed cigarettes and balls of used chewing gum. Eww, gross.

 

I am unsure if Theo is actually just an oblivious old dude, or a little but cagey. The mood of this story - especially Aurora's tenseness - has me jumping at shadows.

 

WILL THEY REALLY BE OKAY!??!? I DON'T THINK SO.

 

Thanks for the swap! I'll be back soon for the next chapter :)

Name: Alopex (Signed) · Date: 15 Aug 2017 06:01 PM · For: The Gathering Storm

I was excited I got to snag this story, because the summary alone (a lady buccaneer? Curse breaking?) made it sound like there was a character I would definitely choose to read about if I was picking a library book. The first bit of the chapter only served further to convince me that Aurora is a cool and adventurous character. It’s a little too bad that we are mainly going to see her in England. I would love to read more about her adventures in China! The glimpses we got in this chapter were intriguing. Theo seems like he could be an interesting fellow as well, even though he’s not quite as likeable since we’re seeing him through Aurora’s eyes and she is a bit irritated with him.

One thing I did notice was that in a couple of your longer passages of dialogue (for example, when Theo and Aurora were talking about the Death Eaters and You-Know-Who’s army), it became difficult to keep track of who was speaking by the time I neared the end, due to a lack of dialogue tags. Using too many does become repetitive, of course, but tossing at least one into the center of the exchanges might not be a bad idea.

You specifically mentioned in your request you felt the story might drag and be too long. I didn’t really find that, myself, at least not in the first chapter. It is on the longer side for a typical fanfiction chapter, but I didn’t mind because it was engaging. I do think you have a tendency to ramble on a bit in descriptive passages (for example, using more than one comparison for what Aurora’s scar looks like), but I think you’ve done a decent job of editing them down to keep the story on track. Stylistically, some writers include more description, and that’s not always bad. I often enjoy it. I can see how it might bog you down in an action scene, but for this chapter, it didn’t seem a problem, not even in the action. Rather, you were able to set a mood and paint a picture for your readers. I liked how the weather and dreary train reinforced a certain sense of foreboding that Aurora was feeling inside herself—and this set up the ending of the chapter quite well. I hope we see some more action like this later on!